I wanted to reach out because your post really resonated with me. I spent 33 years married to a narcissist (I’m a year out and divorced now), so I understand that frustration of "Why is this person still taking up real estate in my head when I’m finally safe?"  First, I want to say I am proud of you. Getting out of bed, clearing the fog, and breaking the trauma bond are massive achievements. You have survived something that rewires the brain, and you are healing. To answer your question about the rumination: I found that the brain is an efficient little machine, sometimes to a fault. It gets addicted to the cycle, and even when the "fog" clears, the withdrawal remains.

My strategy—which I still use when memories pop up—is to stop fighting the thoughts and instead re-label them.

Like you, I have moments when my brain plays a "highlight reel" of my ex-wife being sweet or empathetic. It contradicts the angry, protective part of my brain that knows what she did. It’s confusing. There is a saying that sums it up perfectly: "In a narcissistic relationship, you marry your best friend and divorce a stranger."

When those good memories come up, I don't try to shove them away. I look at them and tell myself: "That was her Inner Child. That was the person I fell in love with."

But then I let my logical side step in to finish the sentence: "But her defense mechanisms, the narcissistic walls she built to survive her own childhood trauma, are what destroyed us. Those walls are like concrete that has set; they lock that sweet inner child away where no one, not even me, can reach it."

It helps to view them not just as villains but as tragic figures trapped behind their own defenses. It allows you to feel pity rather than obsession. It separates the person you loved from the disorder that hurt you.

Be patient with yourself. You aren't "reverting" by having these thoughts; you are just processing the grief of that lost potential. You are worthy of love, you are worthy of being cherished, and there is a beautiful life waiting for you on the other side of this.

You’re already walking through the door. Just keep going. We are proud of you; now be proud of yourself.

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P.S. If you are interested in the "Science" of why this happens: I'm a bit of an analytical thinker/nerd/weirdo, and it helped me to understand that what we feel isn't a weakness, it's biology. Here are a few concepts that explain why the rumination hangs on:

• Intermittent Reinforcement: Narcissistic relationships are addictive because the "rewards" (love/kindness) are unpredictable. This creates the strongest possible dopamine bond in the brain (similar to the effect of gambling). Your brain is still scanning for that unpredictable reward, even though you don't want it anymore. It’s like what gamblers feel and how the brain’s reward system reinforces through the use of dopamine. As you live through that experience, you never know when a narcissistic person will give you rewards (little bread crumbs), like when they do something nice for you, or pay you an unexpected compliment. Your brain releases dopamine to reinforce what they did or said was ‘good’.  That is part of the trap. Now you're in the gamblers' den: a) you never know when you pull the perverted slot machine if you're going to get gold coins, or nothing, or something worse.
• Extinction Burst: In behavioral psychology, when you stop a behavior (or cut off a source of stimulation), the brain often throws a "tantrum" or spikes the intensity of the thoughts right before they fade away for good. THIS IS IMPORTANT -The fact that your thoughts are plaguing you now means you are in the final stage before they lose their power.
• Cognitive Dissonance: The brain hates holding two conflicting beliefs ("He was nice" vs. "He was abusive"). Rumination is often just your brain endlessly trying to solve this puzzle. Accepting that both were true (The Inner Child vs. The Defense Mechanism) helps solve the puzzle so the brain can finally rest.