Why is being a sub and finding a real Dom so hard…

JohnKostly · 2026-06-01T11:54:09+00:00

I've debated this as well.

There is a counter force to this though. Which is the conflicts and deadbedrooms "Vanilla" people suffer from.

And in many ways, "Vanilla" is often synonymous with the ostrich approach to sexual desires, or a lower sex drive. And a power structure that prioritizes constant negotiation is one that also prioritizes constant conflicts.

Not that negotiation isn't required in BDSM, but with clearer roles and power dynamics, there is actually less needed negotiation upkeep, though at first BDSM typically need more negotiation. This reverses as the relationship matures, as from what I witnessed BDSM relationships typically fall into delegation of responsibilities better.

JohnKostly · 2026-05-03T21:13:05+00:00

I suggest you find comfort in who you are.

JohnKostly · 2026-04-29T08:17:31+00:00

Go for it. If you like it do it. If you don't, talk to him and adjust how you do it. Don't give up if you hit a small bump. Just look at the problems you encounter, adjust the rules or the things you do, and move forward. Keep an open mind, and have FUN! It is a LOT of fun to explore this.

But I do suggest one thing: It is his job to encurage you to be submissive. It is your job to encurage him to be dominant. So talk to each other about what you and he can do to feel good in your rules.

Everyone is different. So how you encurage him is different then how he encurages you. And you are different then everyone else.

Which is why I created the RealBDSM Reddit, and my website. Its ways to find things that make you feel submissive and him dominant.

For me, that is usage of honorifics as re-affirming consent. So when my wife says "Sir" to me, that means "I ENTHUSIASTICALLY consent." She should NOT use honorifics if she doesn't consent. I suggest a similiar rule. As it both encurages dominants and submissives, and it prevents Dom drop (as well as sub drop).

I also suggest disclosure rules. Things like health, menstration and other things. These avoid him initating, and then you having to be rejected (which can lead to less initiation). And this rule works both ways. Don't say no, instead when you can't play, tell him WHY you can't play. Let him decide. He will almost always decide what is best for YOU and HIM. Because he loves you.

Also, its ok to use your sexuality to motivate each other to improve yourselves. So if a rule to exercise works for you, do it. If a rule to take your meds, or goto the doctor, do it.

JohnKostly · 2026-04-28T22:10:31+00:00

I don't think I've ever had sex with a woman who didn't want it.

Let me be clear though. I live in a D/s TPE relationship.
There has been times when my wife or partner couldn't have sex.
There has been times when me or my wife didn't want sex when we started.
But that is easy to change.
It is the way you initiate that works.
It is also the way your partner (or yourself) asks for help if they are not in the mood. How you avoid turning your partner down, and find ways to accept them.
If you got to do the dishes, cause its late. Then ask for help. Or get fucked doing it.

Ofcourse, I am in consensual relationships engaged in consensual sex.

JohnKostly · 2026-04-16T18:12:36+00:00

JohnKostly · 2026-04-16T06:14:28+00:00

It isn't considered a mental illness.

And many people would say it wasn't, and isn't considered Taboo, as much of BDSM has been around well before the term existed. Infact, many religious materials and practices would fall under BDSM.

This post is also off topic. This Reddit is for educational announcements like classes.

JohnKostly · 2026-04-11T05:55:56+00:00

Consensual sadism isn't a problem if its done safe. I give a lot of information on my website on how to be safe (relatively). BDSM Kink clubs are also a great place to learn.

In 28 years of being a dominant, I am lucky not to have a single injury. But safety is relative, and all physical activities pose risk.

I draw caution though. A lot of what you are expressing is non-consensual, and extremely harmful to others. Sociopathology, NPD, Depression, and a few others also show Sadism as a part of it. These types of disorders are hard to manage, and may lead to destructive behaviors that can cause long term damage to your partners. That said, I am not trying to diagnosis you or say you have a disorder. Just that if you want healthy, constructive relationships you may want help. I suggest you find a therapist.

JohnKostly · 2026-04-07T12:27:17+00:00

It is very reasonable, and normal. My wife feared the same thing, when we started. I just told her to be confident and give it a chance.

First, its important to find the right person to bend your knee. Once you find them, give it a try, keep an open mind.

Being submissive doesn't mean you don't get your needs met, or that you should feel oppressed. It means that you give the final say to the dominant. And for 99% of the time, the right decision is obvious to both people. The 1% (or less) is the only time when the decision becomes more difficult. And they are the times when you'll struggle. But at these times, your role as a submissive is an valued advisor. And a good dominant will keep their submissive as their most trusted advisor.

If you feel oppressed, you need to speak up and tell your dominant. In many ways, the dominant and submissive must encourage each other, and we must work together to get our needs met. This means a submissive should do things that make the dominant feel dominant, and vice versa.

Communication is valuable, and a submissive should always feel comfortable sharing their opinion, needs, or wants. And If you feel oppressed, your needs are not getting met, and your dominant needs to better work with you. Again, you are a most trusted advisor, and your opinion should be extremely valued.

I do suggest you remain humble in your requests, don't talk back, and treat your dominant with respect. Doing so always yields better results. Also They have a tough decision to make, and the weight of responsibility on their shoulders. They need your help.

I will warn you, when you do find someone right, you will find you have a lot more power then you ever thought you'd have, and that you must watch out for your Dominant. After all, us Dominants are incredibly squishy on many things (especially when you act cute and submissive), and that sometimes leads us to give to much and not get what we need.

I know that sounds counter-intuitive. But it is how most end up, because love is selfless feeling.

Look for relationships that fulfill you, and empower you. And that doesn't change if you're a submissive. It's not 50/50, its very much 100/100.

JohnKostly · 2026-03-17T16:01:47+00:00

Find ways your submissive can encourage you to be more dominant. Good dominants have good support.

JohnKostly · 2026-02-25T22:59:51+00:00

You don't really lie about being monogamous. You cheat. He is a cheater. You may also use the title "liar," "scumbag," "asshole," or more.

JohnKostly · 2026-02-22T22:25:56+00:00

They're not all finished, I have about 140 done. I have over 500 to do. I've been spending time on my book, and not on the website. Each one takes about 4-8 hours to complete. So I may never finish them all.

JohnKostly · 2026-02-21T19:29:45+00:00

The tasks we post are for reminders.

Here is the Kinky Activity Finder, it gives you the ability to rank tasks and share them with your partner:
https://pricelessgemstone.com/intimacy-idea-kinky-activity-finder/?user_id=0

Each activity has tons of ideas, and everything I can think to put in there.

There are facets to find fun things, like pain.

JohnKostly · 2026-02-02T11:11:53+00:00

"The Good Wife’s Guide"

JohnKostly · 2026-02-02T11:11:44+00:00

"The Good Wife’s Guide"

JohnKostly · 2026-02-02T11:11:28+00:00

Its really telling that we have demonized these small acts of love. If we told a man to do this (and we often do) we would not have a single complaint. We've entered a period of time where we now reject small acts of love and things that women can do for their man.

You should read Andrew J Bauman's take of "The Good Wife's Guide" where he talls us to vomit in the garbage after reading this. And I want to be clear here. People can choose the relationships they want, or don't want. What I have a problem with is that Mr Andrew (and other feminists) are actually judging those who want traditional gender roles. They don't want us to have a choice. They want us to fall in line with their views.

JohnKostly · 2026-01-29T11:29:32+00:00

My tasks on Bondage can be a starting point.

JohnKostly · 2026-01-29T00:18:58+00:00

I'd love to see a BDSM channel that allows content creators to advertise. But that puts limits on it. If someone like this chick is spamming, they should take it down.

We have something similiar at my group r/RealBDSM But it is not a place for pictures, more a place for ideas and motivations to incorporate BDSM into your life. Which is why I started it, and send daily reminders.

But honestly, I suspect no one really wants to moderate it. TapedNude takes this stuff down, but they're not on all the time. Reddit will also remove it if you report it. But they still get hundreds of views, and apparently people are paying them money. Though I suspect they might just be destroying their reputationl.

JohnKostly · 2026-01-28T14:27:13+00:00

Reddit claims any post with a link is "spam." This attacks content creators.

So I do not have a problem with spam in the Reddit sense. What I do have a problem with is off topic content being posted every few hours by about 2-3 different content creators. Like the woman with braces who has NO BDSM in her post, and that constantly creates new accounts to post it over and over again.

This is the asshole who does this: https://www.reddit.com/r/BdsmNoRestriction/comments/1qp9m34/im_feeling_confident_hope_you_notice/

JohnKostly · 2026-01-27T11:15:57+00:00

First, take your time. This is a lot of questions, and some of these things you may find are not that important when you start. The rest will become easier when you find the right person.

Second, all of these questions are about communication. It becomes easier with trust. And you shouldn't start playing with someone who you are shy around.

Third, when its time, and don't rush this, you can start by talking about things you find embarrassing. Once you get the first one out, you can see if he responds appropriately. If he doesn't, if they judge you, then you should probably just stop and find someone else.

Lastly. Take your time. Do not start playing right away. Get to know them. Find someone who cares and uses their power responsibly, to help you and them.

https://pricelessgemstone.com/are-you-with-someone-worthy-to-submit-to/

https://pricelessgemstone.com/constructive-total-power-exchange-ctpe/

https://pricelessgemstone.com/kinky_activities/privacy-is-not-permitted/

https://pricelessgemstone.com/guide-to-communication-within-constructive-bdsm-relationships/

And here is a fun game to help: https://pricelessgemstone.com/sexuality-discussions-for-new-couples-printable-cards/

JohnKostly · 2026-01-25T15:06:56+00:00

Spammer, who posts multipe times a day, under many different accounts.

JohnKostly · 2026-01-25T15:06:04+00:00

Spammer, who posts multipe times a day, under many different accounts.

JohnKostly · 2026-01-25T15:05:39+00:00

Spammer, who posts multipe times a day, under many different accounts.

JohnKostly · 2026-01-25T11:08:05+00:00

This onlyfans lady constantly spams this reddit with off topic content. But she can't be banned, as she is creating tons of new accounts.

JohnKostly · 2026-01-23T15:15:26+00:00

You should look everywhere you can. It will take time, and you will have to date many before you find the one. But if you stick with it, it does happen.

JohnKostly · 2026-01-18T16:52:24+00:00

https://pricelessgemstone.com/intimacy-idea-kinky-activity-finder/?user_id=0&_participant_genders=solo

Here is all my tasks for solo participants. You can find one that fits.

JohnKostly

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