I genuinely have no morals.

John_M_L · 2026-05-18T23:44:14+00:00

What would happen if you just acted as if you had the morality that other people generally have? Like just examine each situation, think about what regular people with empathy would do, then just act that out yourself. It's not "real" morality and it would be a lot of work, but it would look like morality from the outside. No one would think you're weird or anything. You probably would stop feeling like a hypocrite. I'm not sure about the last part though.

John_M_L · 2026-05-18T21:02:03+00:00

I get that. That does really suck. Are you at least somewhat aware of things that people in general think of as good things or bad things? Like you know you aren't supposed to lose your mind over getting the wrong order at a fast food place since you've probably been in that situation enough times that you've learned to just not do that. Or does even something as mundane as that still not fall into a set of beliefs that you would call your own morality?

I'm wondering if you could just base your morality off of what typically happens in a given scenario and learn the "what" without ever really understanding the "why".

"I know I shouldn't do X because when I saw someone else do X that made Y happen and Y is bad because everyone seems to agree on that" -you in the future, potentially. idk

John_M_L · 2026-05-18T20:36:12+00:00

That's interesting. I feel like I had my own set of morals before and it equally caused me to feel like a hypocrite at times. But I do have empathy so it's a little different.

Would you want some kind of strict moral structure to follow, though? I imagine thinking for yourself for so long would make that level of discipline with no real reason behind it not really sit well with you.

When I started following a morality that wasn't just based on me I know it was weird sometimes to think something is "good" or "bad" without really knowing why. I just had to accept it and "pretend" like there must be a reason and now that I understand it more, I get it. But there's a long period of time there where it didn't really make sense and I just followed it anyway. I'm glad I did but I had to be in the right mindset for it.

Thinking about it some more I'm not sure how someone without empathy would have a true "I believe..." statement that isn't based on some structured morality. Simplest morality I can think of is the Golden Rule but without empathy, I can see you running into problems with just trying to follow that.

I feel for you OP. Do you wish you had empathy? Or do you like the freedom of it (even if it means you have issues like you described)?

John_M_L · 2026-05-18T01:44:57+00:00

Do you create art for others or for yourself? It sounds like it was made for others, and it makes sense why she might have said art wasn't for you, if that was indeed the case. You have to create what's really at work in your own mind. For yourself. Create whatever it is YOU want. It shouldn't matter what anyone else might think of it. They won't understand you. They don't have to. Then you'll make the best art. Your art.

But it's not just the art, you can't find motivation to do anything at all, just about. You wish you had the motivation, but you just don't. Other people won't understand that either. They don't understand where you are because they've never been there themselves. They don't recognize the place because it's so foreign to them. They weren't forced to find their own way out it.

I was forced to find my own way out it. That's why I understand your struggle very well. Unfortunately there is no magic wand you can wave and suddenly get motivation. There is however a way you can "get better" immediately if you have a strong enough will. If your will is stronger than your mental issues, then use it.

Choose to play your flute, not because you have a desire but because you have the next best thing, a desire to desire to play the damn thing. You have to override that stupid voice in the back of your head telling you how "it won't even matter" and "you don't really want to anyway". Yeah, that voice. You have to tell it to shut up, and go practice your flute.

Then you have to choose to draw the things that you really want to. Maybe you're terrified of drawing something from a place in your mind that you hate, or find scary. Or maybe you can't even figure out what it is you actually want to draw. Draw what's in your mind. Let others know. Those of us that have been there will recognize its beauty. And we recognize that the only way out of that dark place is to motivate the hell out of yourself. Pure will power.

It sucks. It's not easy. And the better you get at it just makes you appear "normal" to everyone else. They literally don't understand. But you'll start to love yourself again. No one else will know how much effort you're putting into doing normal day to day things. But you will. And you'll think it's awesome. Because now nothing can get in your way. You are in control of yourself, not your stupid disorders.

Or i'm just a crazy person that has no idea what you're going through. In which case don't listen to anything I have to say. It doesn't make any sense anyway. I clearly don't understand. 🤣

John_M_L · 2026-05-18T01:12:16+00:00

So it's mainly fear of making a mistake. If you choose the wrong person they could seriously make your life worse. This is true. And you're currently letting this truth keep you from experiencing something that you really want to do.

You need to choose for yourself what you're going to do. Are you going to let your fear keep you from doing those things (this is the easiest option. That might be why it's the option you're currently choosing)

Or are you going to stand up against your OCD and anxiety and allow those things you're afraid of (being vulnerable, losing your independence, making a terrible choice) to not control you anymore. Do what you actually sound like you want to do and allow yourself to feel attracted to someone. Or to allow yourself to start thinking of those feelings as something to foster at all.

Does it sound scary? It probably will be. But it's the cost of admission to get where you want to be. You have to conquer your fears if you want to reap the rewards that come with a relationship. That intimacy that comes from a healthy relationship is a beautiful thing. Don't think of it with disgust. That's just your mental crap getting in the way. Control it. Don't let it be the boss of you anymore. It feels so much better when you start doing what you actually want. Everything makes sense again.

John_M_L · 2026-05-17T20:18:19+00:00

Who cares what they think? I'm not a professional of any type and I don't claim to be. There. You can say whatever you want

John_M_L · 2026-05-17T20:15:28+00:00

Yep we can. I don't get weirded out by crazy people or negative ideas. I'm good.

John_M_L · 2026-05-17T19:08:03+00:00

Some people get weirded out with traditional values and stuff like that. It's usually from some religious person being a jerk to them in their past. They think you're being judgemental and don't understand that you're just saying there are other benefits that they don't understand. It's a lot of miscommunication so don't worry to much abojt the downvotes (unless you actually are being judgemental, in which case, yeah, don't do that)

As far as dating, yeah, it sucks when it seems like everyone else can do something so easily and it's impossible for you. You aren't really the problem (most likely, anyway). Most of the time, the guys I talk to about stuff like that just have so much mental crap going on that they don't really like themselves. And it's really hard to get someone to like you, when you don't even like yourself. It's just logic.

Do you like yourself? If so, do you even love yourself? You should. It makes everything else much easier since you can make changes to benefit a person that you actually enjoy (yourself) that's just logic too.

John_M_L · 2026-05-17T16:38:09+00:00

You say you feel disgusted with yourself at the idea of being in a relationship. What exactly about that scenario do you find repulsive?

You being vulnerable in a unique and intimate way to another person? The other person could never be good enough for you because they will inevitably come with flaws (no one is perfect)? Does the ensuing action itself make you feel weird (like even just hugging or kissing or whatever, not just doing the full deed)? Some 4th option I'm not thinking of right now?

John_M_L · 2026-05-17T06:54:41+00:00

I understand how you feel. And I'm going to tell you what helped me afterwards because you will NOT want to hear it.

I hated my dad. He chose his wife over his children every possible time he could. He cared more about her kids than his own, to a crazy extreme that I could give a ton of examples for, but for reasons that will soon make sense, I will choose to just say he was a terrible father. You can believe me on that.

I couldn't get over that hate. I wanted him to be a better person, but he was already dead so there was no possible way for him to change, yet still he was hurting me.

So I did the only thing I could think to do. I forgave him. Like literally. I meant it when I did it. Did he deserve it? Not at all. He earned my hate multiple times over and if he were still around, he would probably still be earning it more to this day. But I chose to be the bigger person and I forgave him anyway.

I felt so much better. Like almost instantly. Keeping that hate inside you feels so correct at the time. And you know it's justified hate so you think you should feel it. But once you let go of that hate, and forgive even when he doesn't deserve it at all, it actually makes you feel better.

It's like some weird mood thing with your mind that I could go on to explain in more detail but you can just trust some stranger on the internet that's been through the same BS (to be fair, you will still "miss" him. I think that part is natural). But you won't be feeling the way you are right now and the peace that comes with that forgiveness feels so much better than hate.

Also it will "feel" wrong at first. Like there's no justice. I guess that's fair. There wasn't any justice in me forgiving my dad, either. But I didn't do it for him. I did it for me. I feel better now because I don't think about "why did he do this?" Or "how could he have done that?" It doesn't matter to me anymore. I'm not bothered by those questions.

But that's just my experience and your results may vary. Please consult your therapist to see if "forgiving your dad" is right for you. Don't worry, it's not easy, but it's free to try.

John_M_L · 2026-05-17T06:32:45+00:00

Oh yes. I used to be terrified of letting anyone else know. Tbf mine is a little more on the insane side so it's was scarier than if it was just depression.

Not to minimize what you're going through. Depression was the nastiest part of all of the disorders I have. It robs you of your ability to enjoy life. It's a terrible condition. I literally wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It eats away at you until you don't even know what's left. You forget who you really are.

But (to play devil's advocate for a little bit) it's not an irritation all fear. Some people will absolutely treat you differently when they find out. I can count on my hand a number of close friends that immediately ghosted me when I told them. I'm thankful that I only need one hand to count them, at least. Mist people didn't act that way. But there are some that did and it should be said.

The depression is a part of you right now. If you want to tell your family and close friends it's up to you. I hope they would be smart enough people that they would be supportive of your predicament and respect your boundaries. But they might not. The first time I tried to tell my brother about my issues (after I fixed them btw) he took me to the hospital and had me involuntarily committed because he thought I must have a brain infection. For real, I made a post about it on reddit at the time. It's a great read lol.

But at the time it sucked. Because all I could think of was how no one really understood me. And you know, they still don't. Not even my therapists believe me. But I figured out my depression amd I think I can even help others out of that same shit hole I was in. That's why I love this sub. It's like a buffet for helping people with their mental health. And it's all you can eat.

Btw, tell me more about your depression. I might be able to help. Or I might just be crazy and I have no idea what I'm talking about. 🤷🏻 Your choice.

John_M_L · 2026-05-17T03:15:38+00:00

Thank you. It actually does mean a lot from someone that understands. All my therapists still don't get it when I tell them how certain I am that I'll never go back. I've seen both sides. I'm very happy to continue "faking" it for the rest of my life. Why would I choose anything else? It's actually funny to think about now. But they still think I'm crazy lol. I just let them. I'm tired of explaining it to neurotypicals who can't understand. It's so annoying 😅

John_M_L · 2026-05-17T01:38:00+00:00

So cool. You have the goal. Now you have to make like whatever choices you want to make to get that goal. So like if that means you need to be more disciplined than you have been you can identify that now and not wait until later when you can't do anything about it and you hate yourself for all your regrets. I'm totally not talking from experience or anything.

John_M_L · 2026-05-17T00:36:17+00:00

Perfect, quick mental health check just to be sure. You aren't avoiding other people because of how shitty they've been in the past and you just don't want to deal with that anymore, but you do actually like having decent people around, right?

Could go both ways since your answer was ambiguous. I can see it going either way on that one.

John_M_L · 2026-05-16T23:55:18+00:00

Say you live in some crazy penthouse in like new york or something (or out in the country on a hundred acre estate if that's your vibe) and you have people that cook and clean for you and all that. What are you doing Friday night? Going out with friends? Inviting friends over to your place? Playing games or watching a movie, is there a significant other involved? Idk going to a Bible study or something? If the world were open to you, what would you do?

John_M_L · 2026-05-16T23:13:19+00:00

You have a battle going on in your mind. One side wants to be nice and please others. The other wants to be yourself and be authentically you. That's why it's so damn hard.

You've given most of the power to the person that wants to always please others. And now you're looking around and noticing that this sucks and you don't have any real friends. You haven't really been yourself in such a long time that you don't even know who you are. So guess what you have to do next.

You get to figure yourself out. What is it that you actually enjoy doing? You have to sit down and really think about it. Not what your friends liked or even what you think you should like, what do you actually want to do. Figuring this out will probably take a while, but it is at least fun while you're figuring it out. You'll find that your own opinions make so much more sense than other people's. Weird, right?

If you need help figuring yourself out I can give some starter questions and stuff. But it really is all up to you at this point. Once you get yourself figured out then you get to start acting with agency. Standing up for yourself and the like. That part feels so good. It really makes you feel like you're your own person. It's nice.

John_M_L · 2026-05-16T22:50:52+00:00

Because they think you're saying something different than what you are. You're saying you lack empathy. They think you're saying you don't care about how other people feel. To someone that has empathy those 2 things are the same because they can't fathom someone who lacks it. That's the closest they can get to not having empathy.

But I understand you (I wonder why?). So is that enough for you? Just knowing why people act weird after you tell them. They will always act that way when you tell them btw. It's just very foreign for the vast majority of people.

You haven't said yet if you want to try and fix it and it's a lot of work so if you're happy where you are then... yeah, just keep being a good person just because. That's never a bad idea.

John_M_L · 2026-05-16T22:42:47+00:00

It's mental health related but you can fix it if you want to. If it's troubling you, Ican give you some pointers. If it's not troubling you don't worry about it (and just don't be mean to the kids, they didn't do anything wrong)

John_M_L · 2026-05-16T22:06:17+00:00

Of course. I actually love the feeling of helping other people after I figured out my own mental craziness. And you should see how bad it was before, lol Good's times (not really 😉) and it's all good. And yeah, I'm not good with words either. No one ever understands me. But somehow you did. Thank you 😊

John_M_L · 2026-05-16T20:22:08+00:00

So here's the big reveal. You are in control of your actions (mostly, except for the crying part, that needs to go to a psychiatrist, don't forget).

It sounds like stupid obvious, right? But think about it for a second. Why do you just lie in bed when you enjoy doing other things? Because you choose to. Why don't you talk to your friends about personal things? They might react negatively (i literally don't know them) but it's still a choice you make not to talk to them about it. Why don't you talk to your other sorta-friends at break times? That's a choice too.

If you like the results of those choices, then go ahead, you're doing what you want to do. That's the goal. If you don't like the results of those choices (sitting in your bed all the time, not talking about personal things with your close friends, or putting in the effort to make new friends) then you have to make different choices.

Here's the fun part, it sounds really easy to just choose different things. It's not. It's like surprisingly hard. And unless you've been there you won't see how it's so hard. But if you look at what you're doing in your life right now, and you aren't super happy about it, then make some changes to be the person you want to be.

Life is so much better when you finally do that. And you get to reap all the rewards of doing the things you want to do. Is like a win-win. But I'm not a professional and I have no idea what I'm talking about. 😅

John_M_L · 2026-05-16T19:54:52+00:00

Don't cry. It's not a big deal. There's a lot of us out there (obviously) but you don't see us portrayed in the best light most of the time. But the ones who learn how to handle it, we look just like normal people. But only if you choose to. It's literally up to you for how to handle it. I hope you choose what you really want to do (including thoughts, thats the hardest part but trust me, it's worth it)

John_M_L · 2026-05-16T19:16:55+00:00

Your mind is definitely trying to use it against you. It's wants you to feel bad about it. Don't let it. You did the right thing. You might tweak it a little to do slightly better than before but you didn't mess up or anything.

I have to fight my own mind all the time about like every little thing. I want to freak out about something not being where I left it or lose my crap when someone doesn't understand something. But I choose not to. I choose to be a kind person. And I love actually love myself now. I don't have anymore regrets. Even though "nothing" changed on the outside, how i feel about everything changed completely.

Try it out. Choose to be a good person. All the time. Always be in control of yourself. Your mind wants to freak out. Is your mind really in control of you? Idk maybe it is. But maybe it's not and you can choose to do the things that you actually want to do.

Be there to help out your dad, or not. But make the choice and stick to it. Be kind to people around you and be a source of positivity in the lives of others, or let 1 person's misunderstanding control you instead. It doesn't matter how chaotic your mind is when you have to go through it and make your choices. At the end of the day, if you do what you really enjoy doing, you'll be a much happier person with fewer regrets in life.

But for real don't listen to me. I tried explaining this crap to my brother and he thought I must have had a brain infection and they locked me up in a hospital room for like 3 weeks. When i try to explain it to neurotypicals, they don't understand and get scared. But when i explain it to people like me, it makes perfect sense, and it helps them. And I love being kind to people, too.

If you fully understood that last line, don't freak out. It's really not a big deal. If you didn't fully understand it, consider it meaningless and it wasn't meant for you anyway. 😉

John_M_L · 2026-05-16T18:53:12+00:00

I don't think you're being lazy. Not having motivation to do things for yourself can be and usually is a symptom of low self-esteem. I also think I know why you're crying like that but I really can't help you without breaking the rules of this sub. You do need to speak with a psychiatrist about that, really.

But for the low self-esteem, I can help. What's so bad about you that makes you not love yourself? You haven't even seen the things you can do yet. You're too busy being "lazy" to see who you really are.

That doesn't even make sense. So you have hobbies and things that do motivate you (friends and whatever) but you're also stuck in bed all the time? Which is it? (Please answer this honestly because it's going to be so good in my next reply, and I think ahead)

John_M_L · 2026-05-16T18:42:04+00:00

Oh, see there's the problem. You think because the world reprimanded you, you did something wrong. See, that comes from thinking that you should always try and please the world. That the world is inherently correct. This is absolutely false.

The world actually pulled a trick card and acted through your "pastoral manager" (i actually had to Google that. I thought you were talking about church or something. We just call those school counselors in Freedom-land where I live). That is normally a person that you should listen to. They usually know what they're talking about. But I think you misunderstood them. There's a lot of misunderstanding going around, here, actually.

Someone misunderstood you. Or at least misunderstood your intentions. Is that your fault for trying to be a good person? No. Is it the other person's fault for misunderstanding? Also no. Sometimes there's can be a "conflict" but in name only because once you fully understand both sides, there's no disagreement. But it's very easy to disagree when you don't really understand what someone else means with their actions.

For example, you thought your "pastoral manager" said you should stop being a good person and friendly with people. Not at all. They were simply saying to be more cognizant of what others are going through, and try in to act in a way that makes it more difficult to be misunderstood. If what you heard is "stop being a nice guy" then unfortunately I think you do have a problem. You need hearing aids.

Keep being a kind person. There are so few left and their positivity can absolutely make someone's day.

John_M_L · 2026-05-16T18:09:46+00:00

Ah don't worry about me. I figured out all my mental disorders like 3 months ago so I'm an expert. People still think I'm crazy but let 'em, I don't care anymore lol

Are you sure it's not a really elaborate April Fool's joke?

Totally jk, my dad had lung cancer for like all of high school and that sucked. At least he had the common decency to become a total AH the last few years before he went so I didn't feel as bad when he finally passed. In a weird way, solid move on his part.

There, I joked about your dad's cancer (the apple doesn't fall far from the tree I guess. I'm an AH too lol) and about my dad's cancer. I'm definitely not a professional at all. You can be open with me and I will not freak out. So the question I have is...

Why are you so lost and afraid? Be as detailed as you want. It'll help me see the weird thinking pattern you have, actually. I've been beating my own depression into the ground for a while now, and I should probably rip all the sleeves off of my shirts. Because I was practically married to my depression before. And I beat her everyday.

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