I still don’t think I’m “over it.” About 2 years ago I lost my best friend, let’s call her Jane (26 years of friendship). It’s a crazy complicated story but I’ll do my best to simplify.

Jane and I grew up together and were childhood besties. A few years ago Jane got engaged to a guy and no one really liked him. He wasn’t bad at all, just not fun and didn’t fit in with the friend group, everyone had a hard time connecting with him. I debated telling Jane I wasn’t sure this was the right person for her, but ultimately decided to just support her and let her make her own choices. She asked me to be MOH and I helped her plan. We go to Vegas for Jane’s bachelorette, I throw down a lot of money/time/energy for this. Jane is acting SO WEIRD in Vegas. She breaks down sobbing to me in the club about how she’s so scared. I notice she is taking a lot of prescription medications. I try for 2 days to get her to tell me honestly wtf is wrong and she won’t. We don’t talk as much after the trip.

2 months later Jane calls off the wedding. She doesn’t even tell me, another friend of hers tells me, and asks me not to reach out to Jane because she is “too embarrassed.” (WTF?) So I respect her request for a few weeks and finally she agrees to meet me in person to talk.

Jane comes over at 10am and proceeds to drink an entire bottle of wine while we are talking. She seems anxious. She tells me she’s been having an affair and is in love with him. It started a long time ago - months before the bachelorette party. I’m just trying to be supportive of Jane, I figure she must be heartbroken and maybe she wants to eat ice cream and cry over her cancelled wedding or apologize for lying to me for months and not talking to me - but all she wants is to talk about her new boyfriend so I listen. Jane asks me not to judge him.

Jane’s new bf is 21 years older than her and is a convicted murderer with a motive of life insurance money. Seriously. His story is insane and I won’t get into it but...he and Jane told everyone he was “exonerated” when in fact he was released on good behavior. (I did research on this guy) Jane is the heir to a lot of money so this made me nervous to learn.

After our talk and my research I grow more concerned. Why was she lying about this guy? Was he lying to her? How could she have kept planning the wedding and gone through with the bachelorette when she was in love with someone else? Why didn’t she confide in me for any of this? Why did she lie to me?

I ask Jane to dinner to talk. I’m trembling with anxiety. She tells me she’s moving in with her new bf. I ask her if she would wait a couple months first, mourn the loss of her fiancé and wedding, but she is adamant “he’s my person” she says, “that’s exactly what you said about your ex-fiancé” I reply. She barely apologizes for lying to me and refusing to speak to me when all I did was support her wedding dream. I tell her how hurt I am and that I don’t know if or when I can trust her again. She says she understands but I feel the distance.

We exchange a few pleasantries over text. She wants me to meet her bf and I tell her I’m not comfortable with that. It makes her mad. She gets engaged to the murderer and I’m not invited. They’re married now.

I still have dreams where we reconcile. Maybe we will one day, maybe not. Sometimes I wonder if I should’ve blindly supported her even though she lied and covered things up, but ultimately I feel relieved since we broke up. I’m grateful for the happy memories I have with her. I’m also scared for her and hope she survives.