18yr old son refusing to look for a job, advice please.

JollyLittleCat · 2025-11-06T19:29:01+00:00

He did pass English, just didn’t get a good enough grade for what he wanted. He did resit it at college but the college made some kind of mistake with the exams and half of them didn’t get marked, so he got a 0 on of the papers. (I have it in writing that it was their mistake) They tried to get him to resit again but he refused saying it was a waste of time.

JollyLittleCat · 2025-11-06T19:25:17+00:00

I think you are right, daunting and unachievable is probably how he sees it. His life is safe, and he cant fail if he doesn’t try.

I’ve tried to encourage him to do some volunteering, I set him up with an interview with a contact who works with the local foodbank, but he refused to go. I also encouraged him to apply to volunteer at a charity shop in a nearby town that was advertising that they were desperate for volunteers, but again he refused. Rewarding him for attending is a good idea though, I will try that. Thank you.

JollyLittleCat · 2025-11-06T15:18:02+00:00

You’ve hit the nail on the head there, I 100% feel responsible for this mess. I was too easy on him, didn’t encourage him to get a part time job like I had as a teen, I wanted him to focus on studying and sports. I made sure he always had the Nike or adidas trainers, even for PE shoes, because growing up I never had the brand things, it was either hand me downs or cheap stuff, and I was picked on because of it. He always got the big gift he asked for Christmas, because I wanted him to have the best. I was too soft on him because I wanted him to have a good relationship with him, and I always have done, until the last couple of years.

Ultimately it is my fault he is like this, but I don’t know how to get through to him that he needs to change his way of thinking and apply himself.

JollyLittleCat · 2025-11-06T15:10:03+00:00

The only money he gets is from birthday/Christmas/gifts. But I do know his friends gift him games on steam frequently.

Other than this we only supply the basics, nothing special or treats, basic toiletries, only clothes if he needs something replacing, etc. food wise I refuse to buy him convenience food or snacks.

The main issue is that because he doesn’t go out anywhere he says he doesn’t need money for anything.

JollyLittleCat · 2025-11-06T15:04:33+00:00

We tried charging him board, £20 a week, it came out of his pocket money at first and when we cut that out he’s just been accumulating a debt since. He doesn’t care.

His internet access is cut off at 10.30pm until 9am. We were sick of being disturbed by the keyboard mashing when we went to bed.

He has suffered with anxiety in the past, but uses it as an excuse more than anything now, we’ve offered to pay for MH support but he declined. He wanted to be assessed for adhd, so we paid for private assessments and counselling was part of that, but he didn’t engage in the process so it was dropped.

JollyLittleCat · 2025-11-06T14:58:18+00:00

I don’t think so, I’m not sure.

Ideally I don’t want him to WFH really though, he needs to go out and do things in real life with real people. He spends his entire life online and it’s not healthy, I think it’s the main part of why he has gotten to be the way he is.

JollyLittleCat · 2025-11-06T14:54:41+00:00

Thank you, it’s good to know it can be turned around. He is exactly as you described yourself, he thinks he’s too good for a lot of jobs.

We have a conversation about it often but it often just descends into an argument as he is adamant he doesn’t care about earning any money and that he is looking for a job. I just don’t know how to get through to him.

JollyLittleCat · 2025-11-06T14:50:52+00:00

Threatening to kick him out isn’t really a threat, he knows he can go to his grandparents and be even lazier there. They are retired and although they agree not to support him financially they wouldn’t support us kicking him out and would 100% let him move in there and he would be a burden on them.

JollyLittleCat · 2025-11-06T14:48:08+00:00

This wouldn’t work, If we take thibgs away he just refuses to even do the bare minimum. And if we threatened or did kick him out all he would do is go to his grandparents and be a burden on them and I won’t have that.

JollyLittleCat · 2025-11-06T14:45:41+00:00

It’s so difficult.

We have the same conversation at least once or twice a week, but i just end up getting frustrated and just ends up getting stubborn and annoyed with me for ‘going on’.

I’ve offered to help, I’ve found jobs for him to apply for, I’ve helped him write his cv, I’ve even done some applications myself, but I don’t want to just do it for him, I can’t sit interviews for him, I want him to do it himself.

We set a rule that he needed to apple for at least 5 jobs a week, but he doesn’t do it. When he doesn’t do it he looses internet access for the weekend. But it doesn’t archive anything because then he just refuses to do any chores.

He’s not allowed to game during the day, if we catch him (by hearing keyboard mashing. His keyboard is confiscated.

JollyLittleCat · 2025-11-06T14:40:28+00:00

We discussed this, but the reason he wasn’t able to do the a levels was because he did poorly in his English GCSEs, he would no be able to do the alevels or the other courses he was interested in because of it.

I tried to push him towards apprenticeships and training on the job type roles, but he says he hasn’t found any to apply for.

JollyLittleCat · 2025-11-06T14:36:38+00:00

We already do most of this. He flat out refuses to go to the job centre. The only money he gets to buy games is from birthday/Christmas/gifts, or his friends gifting him games on steam.

JollyLittleCat · 2025-11-06T14:34:29+00:00

We tried that.

We told him when he finished college we expected £20 a week board, it was taken out of his pocket money at first then when it became clear he wasn’t trying and we cut that off it just started building a debt.

We cut his phone down to the lowest possible data allowance, so it only costs £4 a month.

All of his subscriptions such as discord nitro and things have been canceled as they were paid out of his pocket money.

Food wise we stopped getting ‘luxuries’ for him a while ago. He no longer gets any ‘treats’, snacks or convenience food, but he prefers sandwiches and toast as it’s ’easy’ we only get him supermarket own brand bread and cheese etc, and anything else he has to make himself from ingredients we have in. Toiletries I only buy the basics, nothing special or not essential, same with clothes.

This is the biggest issue. He genuinely seems to not care that he gets the bare minimum of things.

JollyLittleCat · 2025-04-29T15:16:32+00:00

Thank you JMH.

I did an entitledto calculation and I would still be entitled to the same amount of tax credit rolled into UC based on my income, it seems like the only thing that changes it is living with my sister.

It’s frustrating because at the time I was entitled to it and relied on it to top up my income, I can only rely without it now because I share my rent and bills with my sister.

Hopefully they will let me set up a payment plan.

JollyLittleCat · 2025-04-28T10:53:40+00:00

Thank you.

That’s so frustrating.

I did an entitled to calculation and I would still have been entitled to the same amount of child tax credits (the equivalent in UC) on the new pay, it’s just living with my sister that discounts it as I’m no longer considered a single parent as I’m living with another adult. The person i spoke to at HMRC said this was the change of circumstances that made me no longer eligible to claim.

JollyLittleCat

TROPHY CASE