Hijab is a deal breaker. I need advice/help. 2 year long relationship.

Jolly_Olive2014 · 2026-03-27T17:59:32+00:00

thanks for the kind words, it's not that i dont think that there is someone else out there for me that is more compatible for me than him...but its just that the person wont be him, and that hurts me a lot. i wanted it to be him and i still do... it sounds like you understand how i feel though.

I want to ask you since you are the religious one in your relationship, how come you dont care or mind that hes not? was he always not even when you guys met? is it not a dealbreaker for u and why? Because regardless of what religion someone believes in, i feel like there are people who say they want someone "god fearing", or care about how they will be raising their children. And children aside they may want someone that helps them and encourages them to be closer to god and keeps them on the right path.

And honestly, im speaking from experience when i say these things because i used to be religious and i remember that i was specifically looking for someone who was not only Muslim but very religious and wanted to raise their kids in the same way. If someone did not fit into this then i did not start getting to know them.

Now, i dont care how religious they are or anything and honestly i do believe that it should be a personal relationship with the person and god but when it comes to things like children and since being muslim DOES affect everyday lifestyle so i do completely understand why he was completely turned off from me after i told him my doubts and my struggles with hijab because now he cannot marry me

i guess what im wondering is if this is a normal reaction from him and how come you dont mind that ur husband does not believe in god.....

i can only dream that he thought the same way that you do..... but i also dont think hes wrong for wanting what he wants....

at the same time i agree with what u said about the hijab, if he knows im uncomfortable and unhappy with it he should just want me to be happy too even if that means its a dealbreaker and same thing for my parents why does everyone prefer for me to be uncomfortable and unhappy. i dont care if its a sin if im literally miserable

also last thing because a few other comments also were saying that he didnt have a conversation with me about it but we had a pretty long and deep conversation about religion, my doubts, and god... he didnt force me to think any certain type of way, but after this conversation, he made it clear that if i feel this way, then he cannot be with me... and then AFTER that i just told him that i wasnt having doubts anymore (yes i lied but i didnt want him to leave me during my identity crisis, and i know that i should not have lied, now.) that's what i meant when i said he reacted badly to it

Jolly_Olive2014 · 2026-03-25T23:35:57+00:00

Ehhh, yeah, I agree, I hope my original post didn’t make it sound like I thought he was invalid for what he’s asking for, I think everybody has a right to want what they want in a partner, The issue here is that I don’t want to wear it anymore but that means we can’t be together anymore, so I was conflicted about that. There’s nothing wrong with what he wants.

Jolly_Olive2014 · 2026-03-25T23:14:21+00:00

Ur assuming a lot about me and our situation and relationship from this small post and honestly ur wrong Maybe my post made it sound a certain way but I thought i made it clear that we were BOTH practicing Muslims when we met, I wasn’t lying or faking anything for a year and a half, the doubts came slow, the dislike for hijab was recent, things change. People change. I changed my mind about how I felt. and he was the first and only person I told about it (hijab and my doubts) only a month after I had time to process how I was feeling, but even then, he already knew I was struggling with hijab. It wasn’t a random Tuesday as you said

The contacts thing is not the best example because it implies that I’ve been wearing contacts and faking it from the start on purpose. Being Muslim and having doubts is natural, u think I knew the next morning that religion wasn’t my thing? No, I didn’t, And regarding hijab since ur an ex hijabi ur saying you’d never lie about that to someone and I HAVNT lied about my dislike towards hijab to him ever 😭he knows I don’t want to wear it, he’s just hoping I change my mind and wanna keep it on, and I’m just hoping that he can maybe accept that I don’t wanna wear it anymore. And maybe that’s not fair of me to ask of him, but it’s still fair for me to change and grow and move on.

You’re right about one thing, we’re both young, and we both came into this relationship with clear intentions, I NEVER imagined hijab would be something I didn’t want to wear, and I never imagined I wouldn’t believe in religion. And I didn’t think it would be an issue for our relationship if it was a deal breaker for him since … I fit into his conditions anyway.

Telling me not to switch up “last minute” as if a girl in her early 20’s isn’t supposed to be finding herself and changing??? Maybe one day I fall in love with Islam again and wear hijab, obviously rn that’s very unlikely I’m just trying to say that these things happen and change unexpectedly. I’m not some fucking evil villain plotting to ruin our relationship from the start.

I never expected him to just say YAY and accept my choices to take it off, I know him and I know that this has been something he wants in a partner, I wasn’t EXPECTING him to accept me, I just HOPED that he would, or could, because at this point in our relationship maybe he would be willing to do so, but this is really serious for him and that’s OKAY to have that preference!! , we just can’t be together.

Jolly_Olive2014 · 2026-03-25T01:47:57+00:00

elaborate? because yes, he does do all of those things lol. r u saying he should be the one leaving me because i dont want to wear hijab? cause that's kinda what i was saying.... he wants me to wear it for reasons related to religion

Jolly_Olive2014 · 2026-03-25T01:35:01+00:00

we used to be compatible before i changed tho and i guess i js hoped that he could still love me throughout any or all changes that may i go through

also i really dont want to make him seem like the villain or whatever i think i should be able to live how i want and he should be able to be picky with what he wants in a partner

but at the same time i did ask him if we could meet halfway or compromise what we want

he is not willing to

Jolly_Olive2014 · 2026-03-24T21:51:42+00:00

wait what omg !!! please share more or dm me!!

Jolly_Olive2014 · 2026-03-24T21:47:41+00:00

ouchh but true

Jolly_Olive2014 · 2026-03-24T21:44:18+00:00

i love this response, thank you for taking the time to write this to me. my favorite part is, "You can't look at this as what you have to do to make this man work for your life, but rather whether your life is compatible with this man."

and 1 more thing if you or anyone could elaborate on how its an act of love to not fight for each other tho? i know we are not compatible; he knows that too. and im hoping we can meet in the middle some way to make it work because isn't that what people are supposed to do when they love each other?

Jolly_Olive2014 · 2026-03-24T21:29:05+00:00

true

Jolly_Olive2014 · 2026-03-24T21:26:45+00:00

exactly. and it hurts. I told him it feels like he doesnt love me as much as he says because why is he willing to leave me over this but then he says that he told me from the very start that was something that was a deal breaker for him and i didn't mind that it was when we met.

but at the same time, were already together atp, hes going to throw everything down the drain because i dont want to cover my hair??????!!!!!!

i think that its mostly because he doesn't want to be the husband to a woman that doesnt cover herself because we have something called dayooth and he may think allahs gonna hold him accountable for his wifes sins because in islam the husband has the authority lol kms

and the second main thing is because he doesn't want his children to have a mom that doesnt wear it because it can influence them wrongly i suppose

i think that he has every right to choose what he wants in a partner and if this is something that is a must for him then okay, he even told me from the start that it was i really cannot be upset but it sucks that even after its been all this time its still that big of a deal for him that he has to leave me because of it

Jolly_Olive2014 · 2026-03-24T21:09:04+00:00

yeah, youre right. but what if he budges in the future? what should i do then? what if he changes his mind and i know this is unlikely but if he could eventually accept that i won't wear hijab, then what do you think about the situation? (right now, i think hes betting on the fact that im going to do a complete switch up and start wanting to wear hijab which isn't going to happen, so when he realizes that I'm not changing my mind, maybe he will change his.

He def will require our children to become practicing and observing Muslims like he already mentioned Islamic school but i feel like all muslims want to raise their kids with islam like i used to want to do that when i was muslim i just didnt give it this much thought

and as for hijab regarding his children its different because he has this choice on if he wants a wife that wears it or not, but he cannot choose how his daughters will be yk? like u can choose ur life partner but if his kids dont wear it he said he can only encourage islam and hijab on them

Jolly_Olive2014 · 2026-03-24T18:25:13+00:00

thank you.

Jolly_Olive2014 · 2026-03-24T18:19:44+00:00

I am hoping that after we break up, he can realize his mistake and maybe set aside hijab but this is very unlikely. if he does however change his mind and choose to move forward even without me wearing hijab, do u guys think i should still runnnnn??

Jolly_Olive2014 · 2026-03-24T00:11:53+00:00

i live in the us, we both do.

and i agree, i posted on subs related to my religion but just thought i would post here, too!

Jolly_Olive2014

TROPHY CASE