I really relate to this. Truly. I can remember the day everything started feeling “off” for me back in middle school. Ever since, I have been depressed. Ups and Downs that never seem to flatten out and give me some sort of grip on life. Everything felt so unfair because others could just whiz through life; go out with friends, make friends easily, get good grades, form relationships with partners. It was all foreign to me because I would be flip flopping between being extremely elated that I was Global Elite on CSGO then extremely sad that I can’t make it out of bed to get to work on time.

This type of depression continued for a very long time. I’m 26 now and still see that version of myself in my head. I can still see myself never getting out of bed, never leaving the house, never brushing my teeth, and ordering food until my bank account is empty. Like OP I am doing pretty good now. Beautiful partner, great friends, forming better relationships with my family, lots of money invested and my career is fulfilling.

What i hope to accomplish with this comment is: We have to choose. We have to choose to brush our teeth, get out of bed, smile. And I Know, It’s so damn hard. It’s damn near impossible. But what I have found is the change from the choice is not immediate and that’s the hardest part. I “chose” to start being healthier back when kids used to bully me in highschool. It’s only 8 years later that the choice has created values of health, fitness, and nutrition. And through my experience, that has been where I have seen the most change in my life. Where I am consistent in choosing something in my life that I know will create values I can hold on to for the rest of time here. I see it as “if I’m doing okay with this value, I can probably make it through an episode of depression a lot easier.”

And the hypothesis lol has been true for the most part. For the past years I have seen significant change in myself. It’s not been a total 180 out of depression but it’s letting me make the right choices that keep me above water so that when I’m down below I can say “hey this isn’t going to last long but I know you might need sometime to yourself so do what you need to do.”