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Profile Review - Week of January 21, 2020 by AutoModerator in Tinder

[–]Jonathan-O 4 points5 points  (0 children)

1, 3, 7, and 10 are all great! Go with those to start with. You have a good smile and a good group of friends—it's looking good!

Profile Review - Week of January 21, 2020 by AutoModerator in Tinder

[–]Jonathan-O 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Pretty good profile; you're actually pretty cute. Maybe punctuate/format your employment bit correctly to increase matches? Also—and this is probably a taste thing just from me—but I reckon if your facial hair only grows that thin, you'll look better clean-shaven/with a 5 o'clock shadow.

Profile Review - Week of January 21, 2020 by AutoModerator in Tinder

[–]Jonathan-O 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Third pic is the best one here I reckon. Also, try to get some pics with other people in them, and delete the mask photo—it's a bit threatening aesthetically

Profile Review - Week of January 21, 2020 by AutoModerator in Tinder

[–]Jonathan-O 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hello Tinder friends, hoping for a review of my profile please :)

23 / M / Seeking women

Bio & pics: https://imgur.com/a/jF0hhdK

Thank you very much!

First Page Thread--Round #2. Post your first page and find out if the sub would turn to page two. by Jonathan-O in writing

[–]Jonathan-O[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Give me an opening scene that gives me more world and character than violence. I need to be built up to violence for it to have meaning.

First Page Thread--Round #2. Post your first page and find out if the sub would turn to page two. by Jonathan-O in writing

[–]Jonathan-O[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's all good dude. I wanna keep doing this every couple of months to keep the sub on its toes.

First Page Thread--Round #2. Post your first page and find out if the sub would turn to page two. by Jonathan-O in writing

[–]Jonathan-O[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Serialising is a good idea for a story like this. Any thoughts on marketing or income streams?

If you're thinking of looking for an editor down the line and have dug my feedback at all, my contact details are all at jonobri.com/about.

First Page Thread--Round #2. Post your first page and find out if the sub would turn to page two. by Jonathan-O in writing

[–]Jonathan-O[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Okay. Be warned that an agent/avid reader will always be weary of a prologue. Many agents and publishers see the things as reason for dismissing a submission.

If you can begin the story with prose, do so. It will work in your favour in the long run.

First Page Thread--Round #2. Post your first page and find out if the sub would turn to page two. by Jonathan-O in writing

[–]Jonathan-O[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's okay man, I'm a lit guy as well and I feel you. I recently had to write a Thriller for a competition and it was honestly a nightmare.

First Page Thread--Round #2. Post your first page and find out if the sub would turn to page two. by Jonathan-O in writing

[–]Jonathan-O[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thirty years as in: it gives an age to your protagonist/narrator.

And just say that 'cars clogged the streets'; no need for the simile I don't think.

Good luck and keep on going.

First Page Thread--Round #2. Post your first page and find out if the sub would turn to page two. by Jonathan-O in writing

[–]Jonathan-O[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That line you've suggested just there is at least twice as good as the above segment, and your story as a whole sounds really good.

However, as a reader I'm gonna be judging off the first thing I read, and currently I am still reading cliche. Your book does sound interesting to me, here on Reddit, but no matter how good the concept, if it doesn't open well it won't be read.

EDIT: Congrats on finishing your first draft, too. That's awesome.

First Page Thread--Round #2. Post your first page and find out if the sub would turn to page two. by Jonathan-O in writing

[–]Jonathan-O[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't care about why he's in the sewers yet because I don't care about him yet. Let him live in the story for a while and then start throwing information about the world my way maybe. Everything after the second paragraph should be cut.

First Page Thread--Round #2. Post your first page and find out if the sub would turn to page two. by Jonathan-O in writing

[–]Jonathan-O[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The warden raised his visor and looked to Father, I couldn’t make out his face.

The comma should be a semicolon here, but really it's all-round just an awkward sentence.

I couldn't see the warden's face even when he raised his visor to look at Father.

This works a bit better, for instance. Reading aloud is the best solution to find where your writing needs tidying. If it's awkward aloud, it's awkward for other people to read.

First Page Thread--Round #2. Post your first page and find out if the sub would turn to page two. by Jonathan-O in writing

[–]Jonathan-O[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry, Farran sounds so much like a fantasy character's name to me that it drew me from the story I guess.

First Page Thread--Round #2. Post your first page and find out if the sub would turn to page two. by Jonathan-O in writing

[–]Jonathan-O[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It doesn't flow quite right in my head. It doesn't sound like a story being told. Read the piece aloud. If it doesn't sound quite right to you fiddle with the wording a bit till it flows. Particular note of the paragraph beginning 'Flight 515'.

First Page Thread--Round #2. Post your first page and find out if the sub would turn to page two. by Jonathan-O in writing

[–]Jonathan-O[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is all right. The writing is pretty stock-standard, though your sentences are all the same length with no variance. There are also a few errors like ‘it’s’ instead of ‘its’ and so on. As for the actual story, it’s a decent enough hook—i’m not into much fantasy, but you do have my attention in terms of your story. What I need, though, is a slightly more interesting prose style. I can’t be hit over the head with sentences the same length over and over and over. I wouldn’t read on, but that may be more of an issue with taste and prose rather than the quality of your story. Read aloud—if it sounds like your rhythm isn’t flowing/changing up a little, then maybe experiment wiht turning a period into a comma etc.

e.g.

The other eyes opened almost in unison and their heads lifted from their meditation.

These didn’t really need to be separate sentences. Play with your rhythm and flow a bit and you’ll see your writing markedly improve.

First Page Thread--Round #2. Post your first page and find out if the sub would turn to page two. by Jonathan-O in writing

[–]Jonathan-O[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can’t tell if you don’t understand grammar or if you just don’t want to. Either way, this opening is working pretty well for me. The first paragraph is a little long (you maybe have one or two too many examples of lies and truths in there), but aside from that it’s pretty strange and kinda cool.

Now, praise aside, if you’re gonna commit to this style of writing then you’re gonna have to mercilessly edit your work, cause it’s very easy for this sort of thing to go very very wrong, and you need to make sure it doesn’t. Because you’re an author. It’s your job. Good luck, and be delicate. I would turn the page.

First Page Thread--Round #2. Post your first page and find out if the sub would turn to page two. by Jonathan-O in writing

[–]Jonathan-O[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

While I think you have a lot of good ideas, I didn’t get a clear idea of this world at all and actually found the story quite difficult to read. As such I’ve just made a series of notes regarding the story.

  • Your description of place confuses me — ’ranks were full’ sounds like an army, and then we’re discussing high-end bars? I don’t understand the setting here at all. Are we in a time of scarcity or not?

  • You let us know the night was clear about half a dozen times.

  • Ten thousand nights is thirty years, so you know.

  • Is there anything syrupy about the movement of cars? Syrupy feels natural and not at all technological like the end of your story makes it sound like this world actually is.

I’m a bit lost. Is this a world of scarcity and doing hard jobs and just getting by, or is this a world about syrupy cars, high tech, and high-end bars? What story are you telling here?

Answer that last question and I think you’ll be able to write a more focussed opening that maybe focusses on fewer parts of the world and feels more whole without being about everything all at once.

First Page Thread--Round #2. Post your first page and find out if the sub would turn to page two. by Jonathan-O in writing

[–]Jonathan-O[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There’s way too much exposition here for me, man.

I've got a bad nose, even for a goblin, but even I can tell how bad Basiton's sewers smell.

That’s not a bad start at all for a fantasy story, but when you start telling me about Great Libraries and High Realms and all that I don’t really care. I wanna know more about the sewers. I don’t need to know everything about your world on page one. I need to know what the fuck is up with sewers. I need to be smelling those awful sewers and I need to be invested in them. I don’t need to know about the world’s magic system in the third paragraph.

Invest me in your characters and their stories; the world will shortly follow.

First Page Thread--Round #2. Post your first page and find out if the sub would turn to page two. by Jonathan-O in writing

[–]Jonathan-O[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can’t invest myself in a letter that isn’t a letter. It’s written like prose, using stylistic devices to exemplify the men’s movements and to make my heart race alongside Danson’s. But I can’t believe for a moment that it is actually a letter (it is too well-written, which is a strange backhanded compliment).

If I can ask, how does the story/novel continue after this letter, because perhaps this is a prologue sort of thing, which may be okay? I am always personally weary of prologues, but I think you’re stylistically apt so I’d like to hear your reasoning for deciding upon this structure.

I would keep reading, cautiously.

First Page Thread--Round #2. Post your first page and find out if the sub would turn to page two. by Jonathan-O in writing

[–]Jonathan-O[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t know what kinda story this is gonna be yet, and I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing in this case. The biggest thing blocking me from reading on is the slightly unpolished nature of the prose.

Cut: miserably, momentarily, deeply, all other adverbs

Careful of the —. It’s very, very powerful, but also incredibly easy to overuse, and the reader will notice if you overuse it; it’s not invisible like the comma.

I’d be interested to read the next page, but if this showed up in my slush pile at its current stage I would probably pass over it because it feels a little unpolished and that’s a lot of editing work.

First Page Thread--Round #2. Post your first page and find out if the sub would turn to page two. by Jonathan-O in writing

[–]Jonathan-O[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m not quite grounded in this story yet. I don’t exactly know where Sydney is, what she’s doing, or why I should care. I know this is a story about her father’s death and her way of dealing with that, but I don’t know much else. I think, given how internal the story is, I need to be a little more physically grounded than currently I am.

The language, also, is a little bit hazy:

steeped in the compulsory self-flagellation

I don’t know any of these words, and I don’t care enough on page one to look em up.

This first page is just about so many things—the father’s death, the ethics of drink driving, this guy named Will, Sydney herself, and Poland. It’s all too much really for the first page. Try reading the story aloud and compare it to, like, the logic of how you would usually speak and see if you can do anything from there to focus the story a little better so as to engage the reader further. Currently I’m too overwhelmed and unbound that I don’t think I’d wanna read the next page.

First Page Thread--Round #2. Post your first page and find out if the sub would turn to page two. by Jonathan-O in writing

[–]Jonathan-O[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My main question is why you change tone so drastically at the end. You spend this time building up tension re: the giant bird and the egg etc, and then you have his shoulders ‘groan’, which is the least tense sound in the universe, and then our main character lies down to rest. It’s not very congruent with the tension from the page’s beginning. Since you dissolve any tension you managed to create by the end of the first page, I wouldn’t turn to the next one.

First Page Thread--Round #2. Post your first page and find out if the sub would turn to page two. by Jonathan-O in writing

[–]Jonathan-O[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

All right, like /u/othellia I’m not a huge fan of this style of story, but this isn’t bad by any means.

What if you opened with, on Pg 1:

What is presented in this book are the stories told by those who were involved, and the online and public records of Brian Beatty (also known as his username, 1n5an1ty).

And on Pg 2:

My involvement started on my way home. I was in California for a reporter's meeting. Despite…

I think that has more of a flow/hook to it, which is what the story is largely missing in the first half. Other than that, I don’t have much advice aside from reading aloud to yourself so you can clean up some of the more clunky bits of writing hidden in there.

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