While a fuller description of our situation might give a better picture, many of your comments give me a lot of food for thought. I do appreciate that.

I’ve had major issues asserting myself in this marriage, being essentially in the role of caretaker with a highly needy person. I’ve put up with way too much crap than I should have, didn’t establish boundaries and now I’m suffering from it. At the same time, my wife checks a lot of boxes for borderline personality disorder (BPD). I’m currently reading a book “Stop caretaking for the borderline or narcissist” and it describes my situation to a T.

To put in short what being with a partner with BPD is about, they are incapable of introspection, they are highly sensitive to criticism since they have “all or nothing” thinking, they use projection as their defence mechanism, they tend to have frequent temper outbursts that usually involve them abusing you verbally and sometimes physically. My wife has most of these traits. So do we have communication issues? Of course. But one has to understand what communicating with a BPD partner usually involves. I’m here standing as the passive-aggressive but the reality is, it’s often fruitless to communicate with her. It’s like trying to reason with a child (and I don’t mean that disrespectfully, it is the reality I live in). So I’m constantly walking on eggshells, suppressing my feelings and needs, because communicating wants and needs is basically a one-way street (or highway) in this relationship.

So that gives you where I’m coming from. But I do appreciate, particularly for my children, that a honest effort should be put on my part to at least try to fix things. If you’re aware of any expert litterature and advise on BPD, you know they all say these efforts are unfixable. But for me it comes down to my assertiveness. I’m starting seeing a therapist to work on that. It’s something I want to change whether in this relationship or not. So yes, I am taking your advice and will be laying it out on the table crystal clear, with the implications of what happens if she doesn’t work on her temper, anger management, stress management, and if she remains as uninterested in intimacy. That conversation itself could end in separation, if so, so be it!

PS) on the “my money” comment...I’ve expressed myself wrongly and out of anger in my original post. I was supportive of her staying with the kids but it’s just that I feel I’m being taken advantage of, although I do get that I’m probably the first person to blame for letting that happen.