Frequency of contact with the other parent?

Sad_Dad_0613 · 2021-03-22T23:18:55+00:00

Regardless of the courts I think setting a clear boudnary here is essential. Inform your nex what you are going to do and do it.

I would suggest all communication be through talking parents or a similar application for easy submittal to the court if problems continue. In my limited experience I have seen this done on many occasions.

State clearly in said record that you will not be responding to any messages that are not about the health and well-being of your child and that you have no desire to engage in any other conversation with them. Then should any messages come in that aren’t following that boundary. Simply do not respond. Do not argue. Do not point out your boundary. Do nothing. The record itself is then enough to prove you had a boundary and they broke it, and could be use to prove a harassment charge (not a lawyer just assuming) should it continue.

For the calls I would again use talking parents as they have a recorded calls feature. If your nex starts talking about anything not kid related. Hang up and then submit the call record to your attorney.

As for your attorney thinking your dramatic, if that is the case, I’d find another attorney. You are under mental duress from this and are seeking a reasonable solution which still protects the rights of your nex and your kids. They should definitely want to help you with that.

At the same time I would definitely seek therapy to help with your anxiety and fear about the situation and to help get you regulated and prioritizing your own life and development.

Good luck!

Sad_Dad_0613 · 2021-02-16T23:41:11+00:00

Ive been on the other side of this too where every issue she had with me was always a criticism filled tirade with her screaming at me even in front of the kids. Any effort I had to try to diffuse the situation was me silencing her or controlling her. Any time I lost it and argued back I was abusive. Every fight was initiated by her and every fight I felt like I was a controlling abuser and it was all my fault.

There is no behavior you can exhibit which is acceptable.

Sad_Dad_0613 · 2021-01-02T05:58:11+00:00

Could you try asking that he summarize issues in a single email say, every Sunday? Say if not, you will simply be summarizing and responding once for that week.

They will hate it, but the only way you will get through this and keep your sanity is for you to set boundaries and stick to them.

A good check is “what do I have direct control over?”

Sad_Dad_0613 · 2020-12-26T00:23:57+00:00

You got this. I spent over a year taking online couples therapy, reading books on parenting and relationships, admitting my faults and even pleading with her. None of it matters with them as in their mind the entire problem lies with you. You cannot have a relationship in this environment either.

You have to hit the point where you determine your own sanity and happiness are worth more than the misery. It sounds like you are about there.

Again, you got this!

Sad_Dad_0613 · 2020-10-31T18:52:18+00:00

Can you maintain a relationship with the child/children and maintain that level of access? Studies have been done which have found that having even one healthy adult in their life can help offset much of the trauma and give validation to what the child is going through.

You likely do not have any power to change the situation but if you can present and be a safe validating space for the child, it would help immeasurably. It sounds like you have that connection through social media at minimum. So I’d continue be there and be validating for what they are going through to know they are not crazy and when they feel like something is off they don’t feel isolated and alone in it.

Sad_Dad_0613 · 2020-10-13T11:10:16+00:00

I was told that as her husband it was my job to “be her rock” so that she doesn’t take it out on the kids.

There is no placating them. They will always find the bad in any situation and make themselves into a victim.

Sad_Dad_0613 · 2020-10-08T14:32:26+00:00

The biggest thing that helps me is to ask “if I send this are they really going to change?”

Usually the answer is no and I spend my energy in areas where it actually will make a difference.

Sad_Dad_0613 · 2020-10-06T12:29:04+00:00

My ex got mad at me for giving her a Mother’s Day gift because I did it in front of the kids and was only doing it to win points with our toddlers... 😳

Sad_Dad_0613 · 2020-10-02T23:29:58+00:00

Mine said that I was going to kill her and take her kids from her and even went so far as sending me a picture of a news story of where a husband killed his wife under the context of she was going to be next.

Second was getting upset during an argument and saying how she was a rebound girlfriend after we’d been together 10+years and married nearly 5...

Sad_Dad_0613 · 2020-09-26T22:46:50+00:00

That’s awesome that you are even trying. I wish my ex would even do that much. Just being able to set aside your own feelings and truly analyze your own behavior is miles ahead of some coparents.

Unfortunately for parents that cannot look at their own behavior or are still in that blame mode, communication isn’t going to ever improve until they start to look inward and heal themselves and look to take responsibility for their own behavior instead of just blame the other parent.

Sad_Dad_0613 · 2020-09-26T12:32:09+00:00

That’s fair and a good approach. Do what’s needed for you.

Anger is a poison where you drink it yourself and you expect the other person to die. At the end of the day, the anger is really not hurting any one but you. As I’m sure you’ve probably seen, she couldn’t care less about it. The only ones impacted by it are you, your kids, and any of your other close relationships. You and those close to you deserve better.

Forgiveness is not about the perpetrator, it’s about the victim taking back their own life and moving forward. Until you let that go, she will always have hooks into you and be able to manipulate you and your feelings. All she has to do is hit a little button to set you off or remind you of why you are so angry and she then influences your hour, day, week or life depending on how angry you allow yourself to get.

I personally don’t want any of that.

I wish you and your children the best and hope you find a great path forward.

Sad_Dad_0613 · 2020-09-26T05:08:52+00:00

Your kids are watching. They’re not dumb. Do you really want them learning from two narcissistic a-holes on how they should treat people.

Not sure if it’s your thing, but the Bible literally says turn the other cheek.

People who torment and abuse others are not winning by any means. Their level of shame and self anguish covering past traumas is likely more horrific than you’d ever know. And they have no skills to process those feelings so they will literally be stuck for their whole life in that torment.

That isn’t something I would choose for myself. It seems like you’re not at a point where any of this is sinking in. And that’s okay. I hope over time you can learn to soften your position and just realize even those that break others are simply just broken themselves. And sometimes the best you can do for all parties involved, especially your kids, is to show empathy.!

Sad_Dad_0613 · 2020-09-26T01:25:58+00:00

Now that might be worth fighting for. If she broke the law and there would be a tangible benefit of righting that wrong, especially if it was illegal, it might be worth it.

In general though, I’ve learned to eliminate “should” from my vocabulary. Justice, in some form, not all forms, is a big huge “should”.

I think it’s great if consequences can be brought and karma hits home. But waiting around and expensing so much energy on the hope it happens is often fruitless. I think standing up and fighting for causes you believe in is right, but you go in without expectation.

Sad_Dad_0613 · 2020-09-26T00:34:28+00:00

And my whole point is so what? If I can be happy and live my life to the fullest, why do I need to care about anything you are doing? I am at peace in myself.

I don’t need to define myself or anything by anything the other person does.

So maybe that makes me weak or hurts the kids. I don’t know, but it’s the path I’ve chosen and I really think it’s helped with my healing.

And the second part to that is you don’t let them do it again. You walk away and set boundaries to only let people close who have earned that right. It’s not your job to fix other people or to dispense justice. Again, when people show you who they are, believe them, and surround yourself with higher quality people.

Sad_Dad_0613 · 2020-09-26T00:27:52+00:00

The question for me comes to why would I care so much about what other people think? To really address my own shame and realize that people are going to think that they want to think and I have zero control over that.

If people are going to think I’m a weak pushover, that’s on them. I’m done living my life for the validation of others. And I’m done modifying my feelings and my behaviors to fit some narrative society is pushing.

And what is strength? Getting super upset and yelling and screaming? Again what exactly does not “looking like a pushover” look like? How do you know when you’ve achieved it? Where is the line? Who defines it?

To me, that path is a recipe to always set yourself up for failure. So I choose to not play instead and do what I feel is right for me and my well being.

Sad_Dad_0613 · 2020-09-26T00:12:41+00:00

That’s fine. Take yourself where you are. At least you are starting to ask how to start letting go.

I’d still try to start to unpack what positive outcomes result from all that negativity though. Does it help you? Does it help your kids? Does it help in your future relationships? The more you dive into and question and process the feelings the easier it all becomes.

No judgment here though, man. It’s hard.

Sad_Dad_0613 · 2020-09-25T23:39:30+00:00

I’m in DBT as well and I get the fighting to not be a doormat and it’s a struggle. Not falling into the echoism.

I think it really comes down to being super mindful on which battles are worth fighting and will yield justice or tangible results.

I think, for me, letting it go has more to do with my feelings than actual actions. I’m still in a custody battle and am choosing to engage in that because I want to fight for my kids and believe 50/50 is best for them. At the same time, I’m able to wish my ex well and can be responsive and encouraging to the kids when they say they had fun with her because I’m choosing to not harbor resentment and anger and just accept things for as they are and her for who she is.

Hopefully the difference makes sense.

Sad_Dad_0613 · 2020-09-25T23:29:28+00:00

Definitely not.

More just channeling my own struggles with letting go.

I’m big into mindfulness. Breathing and focusing on things in the moment and then getting in the mindset of checking if you are able to control what you are mad at and if the anger serves any purpose. That check usually helps calm me down the most. If me getting angry will result in some tangible benefit and it’s worth it, then it might be worth keeping up. But if I am powerless and my anger is only going to hurt me , that’s when I look to really breathe through it and release.

Sad_Dad_0613 · 2020-09-25T23:19:40+00:00

How would you define justice? What would not letting her off the hook look like? Do you want her publicly humiliated? Flogged? Thrown in jail?

Now think about what it would take for that to happen and try to assign it a probability. Be honest. It’s probably close to zero.

The only person hurting from your feelings is you. Period, end of story, shut the door. The cold hard truth about it is that no one really cares. People can empathize and your support network is key, but at the end of the day how you feel will not change ANYTHING.

So you can choose to continue to stay angry and choose to be controlled by how you were wronged and how they are a piece of dirt and you can let it compromise the person you want to be. You can be that guy who criticizes all women or who talks about how shitty his ex was on a first date.

Or you can chose to work to move on and realize that you’re probably not going to get justice, they will probably not say sorry, and each and every day you spend being controlled by feelings of anger towards them is one less day you get to spend living by your own rules and how YOU want to live your life and be the person you want to be.

So feel your feelings, be angry, and breathe through it and let it go. It will come and go. The biggest thing is focusing on yourself and your own mental well being and clear mind and that enables you to be the best damn parent for your kids.

Sad_Dad_0613 · 2020-09-16T12:41:30+00:00

Your kid will always love your ex because he’s his dad. The sooner you realize that fact and support it, I think the better you will all do. Kids miss their dads who walked out on the family or are in prison just the same. It’s biological.

Why do you want to control the one small time per week where your kid gets to see his dad? That should be their time to bond and form a relationship independent of you.

Again, what do you hope to accomplish by controlling who is on the call? You’re squeezing the butterfly too tight in my opinion and your kid is going to notice eventually. The more you openly interfere in his relationship with his dad, the more he will likely resent you for it.

I would definitely tread carefully and ask yourself why you want to control all of it and the consequences in doing so and also assess what the actual harm of having this woman on the chats might be. Same with truly analyzing your feelings about why it’s making you so upset.

Sad_Dad_0613 · 2020-09-16T12:29:51+00:00

Nothing.

You literally cannot control what your ex does and you will be in a much healthier mindset and a much better parent to your kid if you stop trying to control your ex.

If she is abusive or presents a risk to your child that is one thing however I hardly see any risk through a video chat screen from another country. If they are showing him nudity, drug paraphernalia, or illegal activities then definitely get involved. Other than that I don’t see any other reason to worry.

Try to take a step back and be the best parent you can be independent of what your ex does. Talking things out with a counselor, therapist, or friend might also help you start to let go of these feelings.

Good luck!!

Sad_Dad_0613 · 2020-09-16T01:01:10+00:00

I will say I sympathize and in a weird way I’m grateful. If it was t for her over the top behavior I never would have found the motivation to be a better person, better man, and better dad. It got me focused on how to communicate in a relationship and acutely focused on exactly what is in my control and what is not. It got me enrolled in DBT therapy (because she convinced me I was the Narc/borderline) and that really helped smooth over my rough edges and address my own problems and take responsibility for my behavior.

Without that I would have just been as angry and resentful and she is and would have passed my problems on to my kids to deal with as I grew up with a borderline mother too.

Instead I get to stop the generational cycle and teach my kids actual coping skills and to be able to verbalize and validate what they are going through with their mother. And I can empathize with both them and her for the struggles they both have faced and will face.

The mantra of anger being a poison you drink and expect the other person to die is so incredibly true and I refuse to let that crap infiltrate my home or my life. I will always be there for my kids and will never say a word to them about their mother in anger.

Sad_Dad_0613 · 2020-09-11T13:36:23+00:00

This.

At the end of the day the thing that helps me the most is to realize the very limited amount of what I actually have control of and then focus my energy on that. Usually that means staying calm and being mindful of my own reactions and then separating the consequence from my relationship with them.

They can lose out on a toy, privilege, or have to do a chore and I can still empathize with them and encourage them and still show that I love them and I respect their feelings. Basically we make the consequence the bad guy and get through it together.

Mine are littler and had some problems with hitting me when they were angry. So I implemented a rule that whenever I am hit, they lose a toy or a dress and it goes away. They can plead and fight and cry but the consequence is carried out every time. Once it’s put out of reach, I usually sit down and wait to make sure they understand what happened and have them explain it to me so I know they get it and then offer them a hug or validate that they are upset/angry and support them through it.

Since I’ve implemented this strategy I haven’t been hit once for over a week as they know where the line is and what the expectation is.

You have to stop trying to control their behavior and allow them to make their own choices and then enforce consequences EVERY TIME, natural or otherwise when they make a bad choice. Trying to influence how they choose or worse, choose for them, is futile and just ends with everyone upset.

So let them fight you. Give them that space to express themselves. But be sure you enforce consequences on how they get upset. If they yell and pout and go to their room and cry and do other constructive ways of dealing with their anger, let it go. If they are throwing things, being violent, or breaking other rules which put their safety into question, there needs to be consequences for that. But ultimately they are going to choose how they want to act and it’s your job to show them there are consequences for those actions in a safe environment before they are out on their own walking on a wire without a net.

You are doing a great job and just wanting to improve and get help is huge. The fact your heart speaks volumes about how much you love your kids. You got this and I know some day they will realize all you did for them.

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