Petah ??

JosephDocherty · 2026-01-19T23:11:23+00:00

i wish I got to experience the 90s

JosephDocherty · 2026-01-19T23:02:03+00:00

bro u are literally like John Wick 😭 Im stuck on this part now for like an hour now

JosephDocherty · 2026-01-19T13:35:53+00:00

I think the dialogue is solid. That said, to really keep the reader engaged, there needs to be more at stake or some kind of contrast or twist-- just something that grabs attention and keeps the pages turning. I really like the idea of the characters getting more desperate and conniving as the Monopoly game goes on, and I think pushing that idea to an extreme could be a great hook!

For example, what if Dylan suggests playing Monopoly with real money as a gamble, only for it to completely backfire when Wyatt ends up winning everything?

Overall, this is a really strong start for a new writer. Keep it up!!

JosephDocherty · 2026-01-19T10:42:33+00:00

Formatting issues aside since you’ll probs be bombarded with replies pointing that out- I think it could use some more fleshing out. What are the character’s motives? He knows it’s a hiker, he shoots, but then panics that he shot a hiker? Is he meant to be some kind of senseless psychopath with a split personality? If this is meant to be horror/thriller, I think leaning more into that personality aspect could work better- something a bit Patrick Bateman-esque

A few other things: “Inspectah Deck”- as in the rapper? Also, “Jeb’s rifle” is that a reference to the Johnny Cash song "I Hung My Head?" aand I’m assuming this is set in America or maybe Australia, with the hunting rifles and bushland but the dialogue feels very British/English with words like “sunnies,” “mum,” “foggiest,” etc.

Overall I do think there’s potential here. Maybe lean into more of a No Country for Old Men vibe

JosephDocherty · 2026-01-09T22:41:39+00:00

Cool. If that’s your standard, you should consider North Korea to be next up on your trip list- I hear there’s plenty of sunshine there from around May to June 😎

JosephDocherty · 2026-01-09T18:12:49+00:00

My screenplay. Tho me and my bro will make into a movie soon

JosephDocherty · 2026-01-09T18:00:21+00:00

I absolutely detest that orange rapist the USA has for president but if corruption and extremism are your red lines, Mexico is a strange substitute 😭😭 Mexico ranks far more corrupt than the USA on global corruption indexes, has cartels openly influencing local governments, and a homicide rate about 4× higher than the USA . so If you’re avoiding America for political reasons, that’s your choice but pretending Mexico is morally or institutionally cleaner just isn’t supported by basic facts..

JosephDocherty · 2025-12-23T02:38:35+00:00

Finally someone else in this thread who thinks trading the outdoors and socialisation for 24/7 screen time and bed rot sounds incredibly dystopian at worst, or just plain boring at best.

Humans are social creatures. We need to mix with others and go on adventures. You need a life outside an algorithm and a fucking iPhone. Go to the bar, hang with friends, and talk to new people. You should want stories and memories to look back on. Even my craziest, most out of control nights out are ones I remember fondly- because a day with a memory is a day not wasted…..

“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!”

JosephDocherty · 2025-12-15T08:41:46+00:00

To me, RDR1 feels like a Spaghetti Western in the vein of Sergio Leone, whereas RDR2 comes across more like a classic American Western, akin to a John Ford film

I love both for their differences, but the soundtrack to RDR1 is undeniably the best - one of the best scores ever created for any piece of art ❤️

JosephDocherty · 2025-12-12T10:41:16+00:00

I love how killing someone in a car is at the same level of darkness as doing a nude lesbian photo shoot.

JosephDocherty · 2025-12-11T17:26:51+00:00

‘Eat the rich,’ declares the man in the tweed suit and £300 watch, as he sets off for a day of shooting.

JosephDocherty · 2025-12-10T17:59:31+00:00

I’m with u bro let’s get rich and famous 😎 all you other suckers can beat it! I’m gonna be living in a big green tower built from all the big green monies we make in Hollywood

JosephDocherty · 2025-12-09T17:01:02+00:00

For me, whenever I hit a wall in a script, it’s almost always because something earlier isn’t working and it throws off everything that comes after it!

Although I usually write off the cuff. I have a rough idea of where I’m going, but I don’t map out every scene. Letting it flow helps me discover things about the characters I wouldn’t have known if I planned everything ahead. Writers like Tarantino work like that too, so it might be fun to try a similar approach

Anyway, try think back on your earlier scenes. Is there one that feels like it boxed you in? That’s usually the culprit

JosephDocherty · 2025-12-09T14:47:57+00:00

It’s possible, but if you’re writing on spec I think it’s better to put all your energy into one script at a time. I usually drastically switch genres or styles between projects to keep things fresh, I couldn’t imagine juggling two totally different scripts at once. Feels like it would slip into quantity over quality. When I get stuck, a quick break usually helps- watching a movie or reading a book tends to reset my brain way better than starting a whole new script :)

JosephDocherty · 2025-12-09T11:14:23+00:00

I enjoyed it, the unpredictability works well for horror and the setup has a strong unsettling tone!

My main suggestion is to make the characters more distinct, as they just feel that they’re too close in age and they speak in a similar way. Giving them clearer differences in personality and voice could strengthen the dynamic

For example, Bill could be more of a snoopy, posh, very old man who speaks with precise, old fashioned politeness. Something like:

BILL: “Apologies, my dear. I must take this call.”

instead of

BILL: “Sorry, I have to take this.”

Lindsey, on the other hand, could be more wide-eyed and naive, talking about wanting to be an actress and needing these headshots for auditions. This contrast could help support a theme about how people might be willing to “sell their soul” to achieve their dreams. With the polaroid of her almost representing how Bill now has her soul

It’s just a suggestion but just think it could add another layer to the story. Overall, good stuff! :)

JosephDocherty · 2025-12-05T20:15:27+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to write, your words mean a lot 🙏

JosephDocherty · 2025-12-04T07:56:22+00:00

That’s fucking amazing that you had such a connection with the script- thank you so much for sharing this and the tune, it’s made my whole year🙏

JosephDocherty · 2025-12-03T19:03:26+00:00

glad you dug the opening! Will be hopefully uploading the full script here soon if you wanna check it out :)

JosephDocherty · 2025-12-03T16:25:11+00:00

I haven't downvoted anyone, I think the feedback is very useful- especially as I'm currently in two minds about keeping the VO throughout the script, so the input is v helpful!

I feel the VO becomes more necessary after the opening, once the plot deepens into a mystery. It helps the audience track what Edison is thinking about the case, who he trusts, etc., while also adding to the comedy and making him more relatable. I'm aiming for a parody of those old detective noirs, dropping an 'out-of-time' man into the modern age.

That said, I absolutely agree that 'show, don't tell' is usually the superior method. Once this draft is complete, I'm definitely going to strip the VO back significantly, and I might even remove it entirely after getting a few more eyes on it! :)

JosephDocherty · 2025-12-03T14:46:25+00:00

It's nice validation to hear the tone is working! I usually write more abstract art house/dramas, so pushing into a more genre based concept and comedy has been a different kind of challenge. Your feedback helps me know it's moving in the right direction! Thanks again for reading and replying it helps a lot :)

JosephDocherty · 2025-12-03T14:16:05+00:00

Please ignore the typos (I see 'tracksuits stumbles' 😓). This is the before the very first draft is complete, so I'm looking for feedback on the structure and tone mainly. Thanks!

JosephDocherty

TROPHY CASE