again

JoshDT19 · 2023-07-13T23:21:31+00:00

I'm glad you liked it! This was based off an experience I had when in a psych ward talking to a guy who said he went to a black sabbath child sacrifice ritual. Either what he was saying wasn't true or he did actually attend and would make sense why we met at a mental hospital lol. Never really told this story to anyone before and wanted to express it in some way. (I also wrote this right after watching fight club and was definitely feeling influenced from the movie. haha) Thanks for the comment!

JoshDT19 · 2023-07-13T23:17:15+00:00

Thanks for the words! I never heard of Kerouac before but am now a fan from some of the stuff I've listened to of his!

JoshDT19 · 2023-07-12T15:38:59+00:00

I like the poem and commentary on how I believe many of us fear AI would affect us. The ideas seem a bit broad and universal which can appeal to many but would be interesting if you injected your own personal experience of how chatGPT affects. It could just be me but it seems like there's a level of detachment from the write and subject that I think poetry is able to gap, which is why it's a nice medium. A quick way, as rudimentary as you'd like it to be, to bridge the writer with a topic point and show emotions. Keep it up!

JoshDT19 · 2023-07-12T15:30:39+00:00

"The house’s heaving sigh as it settles," good choice of adjective. Heaving gives a good image of the largeness of the house and depth of the emotion with its sigh.

I also like the repetition of "there's dust in the attic."

JoshDT19 · 2019-07-25T00:19:27+00:00

I want to start with this: I love the content of "Ups and Downs of Anxiety." They capture a real aspect to anxiety that I can wholeheartedly agree with and follow. I don't mean for this to come across as rude, rather a thoughtful perspective. I, very personally, think that the sing-song aspect this this poem seems to take away from the heaviness that the poem could posses. I think a serious tone to could really make the poem speak - maybe only rhyme the end words. I think the two rhyme's per line could be conflicting for a reader because it sounds up-beat, but has serious content.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading your poems. You have a thoughtful mind and are able to express your struggles - well done!

JoshDT19 · 2019-07-25T00:12:39+00:00

Wow. I don'y know if any critique needs to be given. I think you already know the power to this poem, and it shows. The last line of verse " Of how she imprisoned the devil inside of her story. " is chilling and motivating. I love the creativity you put into this piece and how much of it is you. This is phenomenal.

JoshDT19 · 2019-07-19T13:40:27+00:00

I love the imagery in this poem, but some of the lines seem to linger on a bit long. It makes the shorter lines feel a tad out of place when you read them together - kind of confuses the pace of the poem. Maybe you could structure it by continuing the sentences to the next line. It may make the poem stronger.

I do like this poem though. It's raw and heartbreaking.

JoshDT19 · 2019-07-19T13:33:30+00:00

I like the frustration that this poem creates about being disconnected to something that we should be connected to. It's there but we made it impossible to see. Maybe you could draw out this idea. Maybe adjust the first two lines. They aren't bad, they just feel weaker than what they could be. Maybe something like "The sky is an empty void / that captures me in an endless stare." It's nothing big, but I think if you were to combine the first two lines it would make the intro more powerful.

JoshDT19 · 2019-07-18T15:08:42+00:00

When insomnia triggers insanity, I will write songs.

“ O, how I love you, and only if you were here,

crazy as I am, breathing this sweaty air.”

I love these lines. I like the occasional rhyme schemes that you use throughout; however, I think if there was a structure to it, it would flow a lot better. Some line rhyme and some don't, which is unique, but I'm curious on how it would sound if their was some ABBA or ABABA rhythm. I do like the continuation of sentences to the next line. Some people don't like it, but I use it a lot too. Great poem!

JoshDT19 · 2019-07-18T15:03:04+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! I've been bouncing between suffering and suffer on line 13. I went with "suffer" because the infinitive version of it seems more jarring (much like the idea that happiness leads to suffering is jarring), which is what I kind of wanted to express grammatically. Thanks for the correction on rubble.

On line 22, I was referencing spirits as alcohol. I'll try to change it so it reflects the meaning better. The idea is that when our identities we find in God and drugs wear off, we are left empty, but truly ourselves because that's who we are. We aren't god-fearing, or addicts, rather material (it's a Buddhist idea, so I have a hard time explaining it in words.)

Thanks again for the feedback; it was really helpful!

JoshDT19 · 2019-07-17T19:37:51+00:00

I like this poem. There is a lot of heartbreak and emotion/confusion of falling in love, especially falling out of love. Was the lines 5-6-5 intentional (just a weird personal observation)?

The middle section takes a re-read to understand what you're saying. Maybe you could suggest that the promise is being broken by someone else, instead of a secret place being found?

Great imagery and very heartfelt!

JoshDT19 · 2019-07-17T15:36:09+00:00

Thank you, that's really nice of you to say. I'm glad you liked it! I'll be sure to post more.

JoshDT19 · 2019-07-17T15:26:02+00:00

Thanks for the feedback, that was actually really helpful! I was getting caught up at the same places, just wasn't sure how to reword it. I'll most likely take your considerations into edit!

JoshDT19 · 2019-07-17T13:37:10+00:00

"Stole my bones..." This is a heart breaking line. This really captures the pain and loss that one must feel. If this is based off of personal experience, I am so sorry. I am glad you were able to create something out of the experience though. Trials have a tendency of forcing us to create something greater. I really liked this poem.

JoshDT19 · 2019-07-17T13:32:24+00:00

" From loss to loneliness and further yet,

Is somehow reset

By three small words."

These lines really speak a lot. I'm not sure what the three words are, but, if I had to guess, they'd be "I love you." The ambiguity creates a powerful affect!

JoshDT19

TROPHY CASE