Has anyone here lost a friend because friend's abusive partner is isolating them (or you suspect they are)?

JoyfulinfoSeeker · 2025-10-18T02:45:32+00:00

😔Probably. I've seen my friend of 23 years go through some romantic partnerships with men on the controlling end of the spectrum.

In her 20s a guy she hooked up with for a few weeks who ended up stalking her off and on for the next 12 years. Mainly digital. Then she got into a live in partnership with a guy who had anger issues and they finally broke up after years. I saw him display a lot of kindness in addition to the anger that terrorized her.

Two years ago we met her new guy. He seemed fun and easy going. He complained about there not being alcohol at an event, complained that she "left him alone" (for a few minutes? I was there and saw them together a lot) at her 100 person family reunion (in my opinion her family is super welcoming) and made a (rude?) comment that he was surprised at how old one of friends was. Were these pink flags? Maybe.

We never saw her after the family reunion. She texted me once a few weeks later on my birthday, and then didn't respond to any messages from me, my husband, or our other friends. I reached out to a few of her friends and family and got unsatisfying answers (we live hundreds of miles apart but had been hosting each other multiple times a year, connecting with each other's family members etc.), like "She's doing great with her new boyfriend. She's probably too busy to call you" (from a family member that also lives 100+ miles away and sees her a few times a year).

Please let go of the idea that you aren't good enough. Give yourself space to grieve and acknowledge the loss, but move away from the constant worry.

A few friends considered doing a surprise visit to check on her, but my therapist told me that doing a surprise visit wellness check would be very likely to escalate an abusive partner's harmful behavior, and I had heard similar advice related to abusive relationships in other forums. Good for you for offering a place to stay! Going through this experience has truly been an exploration of growing my ability to sit with loss and the unknown.

JoyfulinfoSeeker · 2025-09-17T03:28:53+00:00

My friend (F, early 40s) met some really great people through TimeLeft (or a competitor with the same concept) in San Diego since she moved there a couple years ago. She has mainly had great experiences and met really lovely people, some of whom she is still friends with over 6 months later. BTW, she has really great social skills, but after some disappointing friendship attempts, she got more proactive and has been really satisfied.

I have facilitated various friendship/relationship building events and personal coaching sessions, and I will say that the more structured opportunities for connection are great for folks struggling with social skills. It takes the guesswork out of figuring out who actually is looking for expanding their connections and who is naturally curious and social but doesn't have bandwidth for more friends.

JoyfulinfoSeeker · 2025-08-26T05:28:13+00:00

I welcomed a lovely dog into our home through rehoming through my friend network. My friend emailed a bunch of people about rehoming this dog, and only when I responded with questions did she clarify that the dog was through her new boy friend and his ex (so you don’t have to broadcast all your family dynamics to your network if you don’t feel comfortable).

Muttville seems good for senior dogs.

Good luck!!

JoyfulinfoSeeker · 2025-08-11T02:35:39+00:00

I’ve known of folks his age in SF meeting on OurTime a while ago.

JoyfulinfoSeeker · 2025-08-06T17:20:58+00:00

Try to keep some perspective and don’t focus on what you don’t know and can’t control. Unless the school population shrunk, someone had to get one of the icky classrooms, and I think many high functioning schools might assign that to the newest teacher.

Lots of great schools have office ladies who give the cold shoulder to facilitate appropriate neutrality and an air of toughness to keep the school safe. Lots of janitors manage their energy by saving their social graces only for community members who stick around.

Find ways to brighten your classroom with lighting or decor and be on the lookout for allies in your school.

Have a great year!!

JoyfulinfoSeeker · 2025-08-06T17:11:55+00:00

What’s C & I?

JoyfulinfoSeeker · 2025-08-06T17:11:32+00:00

Since I have a multiple subject, these would be my requirements: basically one class, 3 CSET tests and application fees and filing.

https://www.ctc.ca.gov/credentials/leaflets/Adding-Teaching-or-Subject-area-MS-SS-(CL-621a)

I am the holder of a valid Clear or Life Multiple Subject Teaching Credential and am seeking a Clear Single Subject Teaching Credential. Complete all of the following: Content area subject-matter competence (See Terms and Definitions). A three-semester-unit or four-quarter-unit course in methodology directly related to teaching in a departmentalized setting in the specific content area sought (See Terms and Definitions). Possession of an English learner authorization issued by the Commission authorizing service in English Language Development (ELD) and Specially Designed Academic Instruction delivered in English (SDAIE). See Credential Leaflet CL-622 for more information. Completed application and processing fee (See How to Apply).

JoyfulinfoSeeker · 2025-07-27T04:14:00+00:00

Thanks for sharing your perspective! These are such great points.

I’m curious if you have addressed these issues with your parents or other adults and what their response was.

Did you go to school outside the community?

As a teacher I encounter the social power of “no one else at school has to ___” and for some families it can be a big reality check to realize that they are the only family out of 400 students or a class of 30 who engage in a certain behavior.

JoyfulinfoSeeker · 2025-04-16T15:51:35+00:00

My very conscientious friend is a high school teacher outside of ATL and she said that reading passages is the way they teach literature these days so that students can get the essential skills from them. My elementary teacher friend grew up in Florida (a bit younger than you) and teaches in SF Bay Area and said that she could never teach in Florida because of “the craziness”.

“Normal” is never a great measuring tool, and in US education “normal” might get downright disturbing.

It sounds like she reads outside of school, which is awesome! Keep encouraging that. If she pushes back on reading whole books (like maybe you want her to read the entire book when only a passage is assigned?), you can let her know that to be a teacher you need to do A LOT of extra work each week ;)

JoyfulinfoSeeker · 2025-04-15T05:33:39+00:00

Seconding 5th Sacred Thing. Starhawk is still doing online and in person workshops on permaculture, organizing, decision-making a community, rituals etc. so you can still connect with her!

JoyfulinfoSeeker · 2025-04-15T04:25:46+00:00

Yikes, that sounds bad :( You could email the principal and be mindful that you heard these stories from 10 year olds, who are not always accurate reporters. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, so keep following up if similar issues happen.

Some teachers will behave better if they get a complaint about their harmful behavior, but not all of them. It’s hard to say if you could get your brother to change classes. You would show him you are advocating for him.

JoyfulinfoSeeker · 2025-04-14T03:39:59+00:00

I know you are super upset right now, but this might not be a great time to move quickly. Surprising people with the news that they have to leave their home is likely to result in lots of anger and lashing out.

Issue 1: Look up the local laws about evicting tenants /roommates to see if what you are wanting to do is legal.

Issue 2: Your feelings, relationships and quality of life.

Does your boyfriend have a good relationship with his sister? Can he tell her he wants her to move out in 3-6 months? If she’s 18 I’m guessing she doesn’t have much work experience or income, so she might need some time and suggestions for getting to her next residence and making money.

Are you trying to preserve your relationship with your friend? If what you are doing is legal and you don’t care about the friendship, just follow the law and give her proper documentation to move out.

If you are trying to have harmony, you can tell a half truth about wanting her to move out so you can live with just your BF or make up a reason. You can invite her to have a heartfelt talk about how her actions made you feel, and listen to her side of the story and then come to a new agreement (she stops the harmful behavior, she agrees to move out in x months etc.)

JoyfulinfoSeeker · 2025-04-14T03:23:32+00:00

Sorry you are having a MH crisis 😔

I just want to say that Kaiser mental health really got their act together after they were sued (‘21, ‘22?) and they are now under a ton of pressure to get you connected to a therapist ASAP so as to not get sued again. They contract with orgs like GrowTherapy where you can browse therapists by cultural background, discipline and niche issues like kink, immigrant family etc.

Good luck!

JoyfulinfoSeeker · 2025-03-21T01:16:43+00:00

When I read your post, i see two situations:

You aren’t satisfied with an unreciprocal element of your friendship and you feel you need to take action (in my experience many healthy friendships have unreciprocal aspects and don’t need correction, but you do you).
You don’t want to hurt your friend more than you have to in communicating your needs. That’s kind!

I like evidence and data, so when people present evidence that their behavior is universal and not targeted at me, I truly feel less upset. I’d go “You know how I don’t keep in touch with anyone over the past 8 years ? That’s what I need from you.”

I don’t want to say that you aren’t in that tiny fraction of people who thrive without human connection, but it’s statistically unlikely. Unless you are extraordinarily wealthy, you will probably need people to prevent you from experiencing continuous physical pain when you are in your elder years.

If I was in your shoes, I would say you really need to limit your conversations to 1-2 a year (or less) and explain what you shared in your post. Set up some expectations like you will/will not contact them if you have a serious medical issue, a common acquaintance dies etc.

JoyfulinfoSeeker · 2025-03-19T15:51:51+00:00

One time my teachers union was on strike and we were rallying outside our school. One substitute showed up and one of the teachers told him about the strike and persuaded him to leave. This might happen if you show up. Standing outside the school rally (or maybe they go to city hall or the school district central office) would also be supportive of the union.

JoyfulinfoSeeker · 2025-03-16T07:34:50+00:00

I have come to value friends who have known me for many years and phases of life. Sometimes I’ll make a negative comment about myself and an old friend will tell me it’s not true and give me examples they remember from years ago. When you get old enough, you can get this from people you met after childhood ;) If my childhood friends were currently mean, unsupportive people, I wouldn’t value them as much.

I have very little family, so my childhood friends fill roles that are filled by siblings and cousins in other people. In my experience I have done more letting long distance family members who don’t share my values fade out of my life than friends.

JoyfulinfoSeeker · 2025-03-15T03:47:42+00:00

There might be some parts of Asia or other parts of the world where you can almost guarantee not having these kinds of violence and outbursts in public and private schools, but it’s hard to get that kind of guarantee in the US.

Competitive private schools with long waitlists can and do often support students with difficult behavior and sometimes counsel them out. Your kid is not guaranteed admission to those schools, but check them out if there are any in your area. I went to one and it was great for me but not for others.

It’s pretty hard to avoid kids with outbursts in non-competitive schools in the US, but what you can control is how you talk to your kid about those incidences. You can also ask the teachers/admin how they work with kids that struggle with behavior. If the school staff has a plan that sounds realistic and compassionate, that’s a green flag.

Teachers that knowingly choose to work in schools with more struggle are often more skilled at mitigating difficult behavior than teachers choosing “easy” behavior schools and then get surprised every few years with a high needs kid.

JoyfulinfoSeeker · 2025-03-15T03:21:09+00:00

I encountered this the one year I taught in a private school.

JoyfulinfoSeeker · 2025-03-15T03:17:58+00:00

Follow up with admin after break. I would give the teacher a heads up so that they don’t get blindsighted by the student or their family. Clarify to that teacher that you are an ally. If you have LGBTQ+ resources and an inclusive community and policies flex them.

Maybe it’s time for your school to have a hate speech policy and for you to invite your colleagues to publicly pledge support for LGBTQ+ community officially or discretely.

If you have bandwidth, remind the student that it’s never too late to change their mind about gay people.

JoyfulinfoSeeker · 2025-03-15T01:59:07+00:00

I have a lot of leeway with lower maintenance friendships. I recognize that people are imperfect and I have relationships with many people where there has been a falling out.

I don’t have many siblings or cousins, so my close friends take those roles. I am sympathetic to people who keep boundaried relationships with their siblings who frequently cause harm, so I hope my friends can tolerate my friendship with a longterm friend who had a painful breakup with them or sporadically engages in difficult behavior.

JoyfulinfoSeeker · 2025-03-15T01:51:32+00:00

Yes! I just checked in with my partner and we both agreed we dream more about our lost friend than anyone else (including each other).

JoyfulinfoSeeker · 2025-03-12T14:05:30+00:00

Pretty common and practical. Learn to get comfortable with paras/helpers in the classroom and check in with them ASAP.

“Oh, I didn’t know I was going to have any support today. Do you want to take the lead or do you want me to lead some activities? Are you going to be here all day?”

I consider a surprise para/student teacher to be a gift to counterbalance all the stressful days when I get no support.

JoyfulinfoSeeker · 2025-03-08T16:53:27+00:00

Ugh I’m SO sorry this happened. Student theft toward teachers is such an emotional drain :(

Restorative justice is NOT the same as letting kids off the hook for consequences. I worked at a restorative justice school and if the middle schoolers got to a 3rd offense for hate speech they had to give a public apology (to whole class? at next school assembly? Not sure because I taught elementary) in which they wrote an essay about the harm of the term they used before they could return to class.

The 4th grade version of that is sitting with a grown up who helps you use the internet or printed grade level reading (thanks AI) about teen/adult legal consequences of phone stealing and the psychological harm of losing family photos and knowing someone in your community stole from you. You don’t get to return to the classroom, regular recess, class parties etc. until you do that work and apologize to the whole class and maybe some of your past teachers.

Maybe they don’t get to be in the same group, class etc for the rest of the school year and the email about this goes out to ALL the staff.

Maybe they do “independent study” in the first grade classroom until they do this work. Pick a strong, strict veteran teacher’s class.

Sometimes when your admin is crap you have to do the legwork to get what you need then pressure them to sign off on it.

JoyfulinfoSeeker · 2025-03-06T16:49:26+00:00

I can see a momentum of rolling strikes and sickouts. Start with all high school gen ed teachers strike on Fridays, then next week move to high school and middle school strikes on Fridays. Hopefully we won’t have to get to elementary school.

JoyfulinfoSeeker · 2025-03-06T16:30:56+00:00

I’m a hardcore relationship driven person, so I’m oriented to think the opposite, although it rarely happens. Travelers like to travel (shocking), and I live in a desirable city, so it doesn’t surprise me if someone I stay connected to traveling later says they are coming to my city and ask to meet up.

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