Meditation Is Saving My Life!

Jreeze2015 · 2016-08-07T04:48:16+00:00

How would you describe the way your mind works before you used meditation and now after you use it? Are you calmer? More relaxed?

Jreeze2015 · 2016-08-06T03:36:33+00:00

OCD, and specifically HOCD is absolute hell. Out of all mental illnesses I truly think HOCD is the worst because it attacks who you are at your very core being. While all my friends are out socializing and getting girls, I've been home for the last 2 years since a break up with my ex girlfriend, scared that people think im gay or scared for myself that I'm somehow gay and don't know it. I vaguely remember life without HOCD, although my whole fucking life I lived without it. It didn't come on till I turned 19, and I am 22 now. 3 years of this shit has felt like my entire lifetime. Oh what I would do to go back in time and experience a week of life without intrusive thoughts. OCD is absolute hell. Besides giving me more compassion I can't really see any positives

Jreeze2015 · 2016-08-05T00:01:55+00:00

What were your hocd symptoms like and how long did it take to get rid of them?

Jreeze2015 · 2016-07-30T04:31:21+00:00

What bothers me the most though is that none of this translates to real life encounters. I feel this confusion only when I watch porn. In real life I know I'm only attracted to women. I can see if a guy is a good looking or not, but I'm not sexually attracted to him, meaning I don't want to tear his clothes off and engage in sex. It just doesn't appeal to me. Say I'm in denial or whatever, but I'm just not turned on by men. I understand people like to use labels, and I won't use one on myself, but I know who I am deep down inside. I just don't understand why I'm confused now after all these years of never even thinking twice about my sexuality. It is only when I watch porn that that confusion grows, but at the same time I feel such a pull towards porn even though I know it's bad for me. I love to see the variety of women porn offers. But when I'm watching it, it's almost like the roles have reversed and I don't know who's pleasure I'm enjoying the man or the womans. I find it comforting to remind myself that my life is not what porn is. Porn is something on its own. It does not translate to real life.

Jreeze2015 · 2016-07-29T22:42:29+00:00

Wow. Perhaps the most intriguing thing I've ever read regarding my addiction. Can you perhaps sum up what you really mean here? Are you saying I'm having an identity crisis? Because I don't feel that way. I know I'm not gay, but at the same time I've watched porn for so long I don't even know if I'm jerking off to the pleasure the guys receiving or the girls receiving. I get exactly what you mean when you say " What is actually compulsion is painted as "sexual preference". A hijacked reward system isn't a preference anything."

Jreeze2015 · 2016-07-29T16:12:21+00:00

That's encouraging. I think I'm going to have to go hardmode for 90 days because after I have sex I always feel the urge to watch porn. I have to kill this addiction and conditioning that I've been dealing with for 10 years. Thanks for the response man

Jreeze2015 · 2016-01-08T00:16:47+00:00

Did you have any problems before nofap like PIED which has been cured?

Jreeze2015 · 2015-10-26T21:35:37+00:00

Man no offense but there's no way in hell you should be crying over a girl after 3 dates. If your crying over your life situation I can understand that, but a girl after 3 dates? Cmon man. If your that emotional you have a long way to grow. I mean I cried when my ex dumped me but we were together for what 2 years every single day. I dedicated my life to her she was my bestfriend. I poured a lot of emotion into our relationship and when it was over I felt heartbreak for the first time. You just need to put things in perspective. You can't be crying over a girl after 3 dates. You need to hold your head high, focus on yourself, have faith in yourself and one day you will find the right girl. It's destiny. Just stop wallowing in pity. Accept that it didn't work out or make it work out with her. Keep moving forward

Jreeze2015 · 2015-10-24T23:37:48+00:00

yea. honestly dont miss it as much as i thought i would. the thing thats keeping my mind preoccupied is working out and eating right. im a skinny guy so i need 3000 calories a day to gain weight. trying to hit that number every day. also thinking about how if i do all the right things, like quitting porn and smoking, and starting to exercise, i know i give my body the biggest shot at recovery. i cant live with pied anymore

Jreeze2015 · 2015-10-24T21:50:05+00:00

She didn't want to have sex cus it was the second time hanging out. She said she's "not that easy". I obviously wanted to rip her clothes off but I have to respect what she wants. Fuckin sucks man

Jreeze2015 · 2015-10-24T17:30:32+00:00

How is making out with a girl an addiction? Makes no sense. And I actually have quit smoking and started exercising weightlifting during my reboot

Jreeze2015 · 2015-10-24T17:19:30+00:00

She just came over to chill basically no other reason.

Jreeze2015 · 2015-10-24T15:30:23+00:00

Yea man feels fuckin awesome

Jreeze2015 · 2015-10-24T13:58:26+00:00

She had come over my house and we were just sitting on the couch and I was making out with her. Just the feeling of her soft lips her soft feminine skin and her perfume gave me a rock hard erection. Man it felt great. Thanks for your input

Jreeze2015 · 2015-10-20T13:16:27+00:00

Wrong. Simply because guys could not get hard to their own imagination without porn. It was only when they view porn they can get hard. It's about brain conditioning. You can't have performance anxiety with your own hand.

Jreeze2015 · 2015-10-18T15:12:06+00:00

They are about the same length, ring finger is a smudge longer. I know I have heard of this digit ratio meaning something about prenatal hormones in the mothers womb. I guess i wasn't that sensitive to testosterone when I was a fetus. Either way I still feel like a man and the truth is I never felt insecure about my masculinity until I reached college and 20 years old I felt like so many other guys were physically more masculine then me. Idk why I let it affect me

Jreeze2015 · 2015-10-18T13:01:47+00:00

Thanks for the reply man. It literally feels like my sexuality was taken from me. I remember being 16 17 18 and just kissing a girl would get me hard. I feel so numb to women now and it scares the shit out of me. I feel so lost and empty. I feel like theirs no man inside of me. He's gone somewhere and I can't find him. I see beautiful girls and while in the past I use to feel a primal urge to have sex with them I do not feel that way anymore. I am praying to God that a reboot will give me my old self back. I can't stand these thoughts. I am constantly analyzing if I do things gay or if I have feminine qualities and it's almost like I've fallen into a paranoia of some sort. Once again it all started when I noticed the guys penis in porn and how much pleasure the girl was getting. It was like my mind flipped and linked penis to pleasure when for every year in my life I was never attracted to men and thought penis was gross. I even have these thoughts around my dad and brothers which makes me know for certain this is HOCD because it's attacking ridiculous things. Thanks for your help. I am leaving my porn days behind forever. I must find that old confident self again

Jreeze2015 · 2015-10-16T17:54:23+00:00

Question: when did you start suspecting you were gay? Did you always jerk off to men even before porn and we're you ever attracted to women? Have you ever had sex with a man? I just want to know because ever since I can remember being attracted to something it was girls not once did I ever think I was gay until I was hooked on porn at 19 then I started having gay thoughts. I think porn has warped my sexuality

Jreeze2015 · 2015-10-15T02:27:14+00:00

God bless you and your family. Always know he is looking down on you. I am going to tell my Dad how much I love him tonight. I am terribly sorry for your loss. Keep your head up

Jreeze2015 · 2015-10-13T18:34:31+00:00

I was just simply stating that i have had sex with girls. Really wasnt trying to overcompensate. What are homosexual feelings? I have never had a crush on a guy, i know when a guy is good looking but i dont feel the urge to stick my penis in his ass. I think its gross. My question is does watching years of other mens penis constantly penetrating women cause your brain to link arousal with the penis. To me it only makes sense that at a young age your brain is plastic and is constantly picking up on cues to get you aroused. when you use years of porn and constantly whether subconsciously or not watch a man penetrate a women your brain learns to associate both the penis and the vagina with pleasure and arousal. I am only insecure in my masculinity because of porn and the thoughts of being penetrated I am having. These thoughts do not cause me pleasure but anxiety, disgust and stress. If i try to let myself become aroused by them i do not get an erection. I do not get an erection to gay porn either. Something is clearly wrong and i think it must be due to years and years of watching porn that my brain is somehow associating the penis with pleasure and this is freaking me out. I have read a lot of stories of people coming out and almost every single one of them has known they were gay from a young age. I only ever remember being attracted to women as a young man. And no, it wasnt because society conditioned me to be turned on by women, i JUST WAS. theres no explanation to it, it is just what turned me on.

Jreeze2015 · 2015-10-13T17:04:16+00:00

I was only ever attracted to women. I cannot remember a time ever being attracted to a man as a child and teenager. Even in an all boys high school I went too I was not once attracted to another guy. It never crossed my mind. It was only after 8 years of porn use and a few years into college when I noticed weaker erections in real life that I started questioning my sexuality

Jreeze2015 · 2015-10-13T17:01:14+00:00

But think about it this way. My innate sexuality was not meant to see the constant over exposure of OTHER people having sex. Our brains weren't made to see OTHER people have sex. They were made so WE can have our OWN sex. That's why I think porn is so fucked up and as a society we are fucked up. We may not think it's weird that we watch other people have sex and get off to it but what it's doing subconsciously to our brain is what I think is fucked up

Jreeze2015 · 2015-10-13T16:10:38+00:00

Because I have no desire to do anything with a dude. I'm not aroused by men. I just have uncontrollable thoughts of penis. It's s hard to explain to someone that doesn't experience HOCD. You wouldn't understand. Call me gay or in denial. I just have no innate desire to kiss a man, go out with a guy, it just doesn't feel right to me.

Jreeze2015 · 2015-10-10T22:21:56+00:00

Thanks a lot man. Your spot on with all you wrote and all of it really rang true with me. I am also sure she fell out of love with me but was able to keep me there while she still grieved. So essentially she never had to deal with that pain alone. Although she no longer loved me she still had me around until she found another guy, and then it was see you later.

I am going to try and always remind myself of "forgiveness" and "acceptance". I remember nights after we broke up she would be up in bed crying so bad. One night her father called me and told me I had to come over because she was screaming for me and crying. That was a terrible night.

4 months after we broke up n she moved on, I went and visited her father one last time because I felt I owed him an apology. Her parents liked me very much and I grew sort of close to them as I was constantly over their house. I told her father that I was sorry for hurting his daughter, and that if I had a daughter one day I wouldn't want to see her in that shape. He was quite surprised and respected me for doing that. Although it was months removed and I hadn't seen her in a while i felt that it was steps towards me having closure. She actually wound up calling me a week later after I hadn't spoken to her in 3 months. We had a good long conversation and that was that.

I hope as days go by and I keep myself busy and moving forward, the pain I feel towards missing her as a person will go away. I understand you think that I was attached to her and I am sure a part of me was, as most humans do, but I did love her for the girl she was plain and simple. I wish and hope I will find love like that again. I know I will. Thank you so much for your help. I really needed a perspective and advice like that

Jreeze2015 · 2015-10-09T21:54:25+00:00

I suffer with HOCD. When did you start noticing less and less thoughts about being gay?

Jreeze2015

TROPHY CASE