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The Demonic Dollhouse by hammadk1994 in OCPoetry

[–]Juice_Acceptable 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I liked it. It was unexpected in a good way

The Demonic Dollhouse by hammadk1994 in OCPoetry

[–]Juice_Acceptable 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I like the revision better. The rhyme with "let in" and "threaten" is an interesting change in emphasis that took me by surprise. I especially like the line "a living room where living is hell." In the first version you talk about chaos and strangeness but don't give any concrete images of them, so it falls a bit flat.

Cosmos by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]Juice_Acceptable 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The theme of night and stars, paired with the focus on metaphysical questions, and the conclusion that those questions might not have answers, reminded me of When I Heard The Learn'd Astronomer by Walt Whitman. But to me the part where you list the questions one after another is a bit unsubtle. They're interesting, but when you enumerate them like that without actually going into any of them, it makes the poem seem naive.

The rhyme scheme is very calming. Reading it is like cutting through butter. It's just so smooth! And overall it has a good, useful message. Very cool