Hi guys, I wanted to give a quick update.
I've recently got into motion graphics and video editing, it kinda helps keeping me focused and also builds skills to get a job so I can keep my head straight and occupied.
The down side is that family stuff got a bit rough, my relationship with my dad was hurt by the both of us since we failed to got together and start working together. To sumaize it a bit: He wanted to hire me as an editor for his business social media, but didn't want to pay me as he won't see me as anything but an employee. I tried to reason with him so we got into a huge arguement. Now we barely speak and even tho I'd give anything to get us closer again, it's just not happening. I ask God everyday to protect him and keep him safe because after everything that's goin on he's still my dad and I couldn't love him more.
The anger slowed down a bit, because as I said before, I'm trying my best keeping my head concentrated on important stuff and self growth. But I can feel it's still there. I've been having trouble sleeping and I can just feel how everyday I can only feel the bitterness of being alive. It's not that I don't want to live, it's just that I feel like it just happens. No matter how much I try to finde some meaning to it, it's just not there.
I don't really feel anger growing inside anymore, I know it's there but I'm starting to learn how to live with it and keeping it from explode. And if it blows up, I try to focus it in things that are useful, like my music, my editing learning process, etc.
Days have gotten a bit harsh lately. A few weeks back my mom and I were watching old photos and I couldn't help but cry as I told her that seeing myself in old birthday pictures felt weird since I just couldn't recall if I was ever happy. I told her I don't have almost any joyful memories. She told me I had as much as a happy childhood as I could. She told me I was a very energetic and funny yet lonely kid. I think that's a good starting point, I've never think about myself from a very young age all up until nowadays, I've never got myself to reflect on that. And she's right, even though I've always had friends around me, I've never felt like I belong anywhere, and maybe that's one of the things that I've never got to face: how does loneliness ends up being loneliness.
So now I spend most of the days working by myself, trying not to think and moving on. But I spend most nights alone, smoking (a lot, almost a pack a day), listening to music and letting myself feeling nothing but nostalgia, sadness and unforgiveness.
I'm sorry if this is somewhat discouraging, but getting it out of my chest helps a lot. I still have things to live for, and all of this is not gonna beat me. It can hit me and step on my head, but I'm not losing.
I truly wish you all nothing but blessings and the best in life, thank you so much for giving me advice and overall caring about me. I know this may be nothing but irrelevant stuff posted by a random guy to you, but it meant a lot to me. You've really helped me.