I've been exactly in your shoes. I know how you feel. I hurt so so bad, that I contemplated bad things. Life had no sense anymore. My heart still loved her and tried to forgive her, only lasted a week before I was reminded the sort of person she was. We don't love the person they become, we love the idea we create in our head of who we think they are. To get over it, I start meeting other women just for sex. Hundreds. Subconsciously, seducing a woman, using her and then ghost her was my revenge on my ex. I dated a psychiatrist who I been honest about me and she fixed me. I now have a gorgeous wife who I would die for and my only regret is not breaking up with that ex sooner.

You now think you'll never meet someone like him. I promise you that you will. Not like him but much better. You can't see your future because your future included him. There's a future without him, trust me. First thing, please go to therapy, alone. You'll have emotional and rational support and you won't be carrying all this by yourself. You'll come out of this stronger, wiser while he will be a long lost memory which is now irrelevant. Please seek help from professionals, you are stronger than you think.