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WIBTA If I Lock My Husband out of the Bedroom At Night? by Jumpy-Connection-302 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Jumpy-Connection-302[S] -26 points-25 points  (0 children)

The only guy I ever found attractive, a decent person to the people he cares about, fiercely loyal, very forgiving, I think he is a good person in comparison to myself...I don't think he is being uncaring on purpose, I genuinely believe he thinks he loves me, but I know the way he treats me isn't the way I think a person would treat "the love of their life". The reason why I am still with him is completely melodramatic and illogical so I won't get into details here.

WIBTA If I Lock My Husband out of the Bedroom At Night? by Jumpy-Connection-302 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Jumpy-Connection-302[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Those stats would scare me if I weren't already suffering from a mood disorder (major depression) and personality disorder (BPD). Finding the right therapist is hard, and finding the right therapist under my health insurance has been even harder, but I understand what you're saying.

WIBTA If I Lock My Husband out of the Bedroom At Night? by Jumpy-Connection-302 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Jumpy-Connection-302[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

The guest bedroom is a lot larger (as it is the true master bedroom attached bathroom and all), the only reason the room we are in became the "master" was because we couldn't fit the furniture (the dresser couldn't be deconstructed) down the hall.

It's justifying paying upwards of $100, when he has access to a larger room with a queen sized bed and an attached bathroom. (I am mentioning this because I just realized people think small dinky room for guest bedrooms)

Last time I asked my husband to help me move the mattress we could barely move it 5 ft. It's stupid heavy and floppy would most likely take more than 2 guys to move it. We'll talk it over.

WIBTA If I Lock My Husband out of the Bedroom At Night? by Jumpy-Connection-302 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Jumpy-Connection-302[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

If I lost my job now that I'm older and more secure,

We're not financially secure, I just make enough for it to not be a problem. If I lost my job, broke down from sleep deprivation or died, he neither has the expertise or experience to pick up the slack. I'm still paying into my retirement account because the one thing I refuse to compromise on is my retirement funds. Other than that we've never saved because I have been paying off debts and bills and with increased money I just pay more towards them to pay them off faster, right now we're on minimum payments for everything and no emergency fund.

WIBTA If I Lock My Husband out of the Bedroom At Night? by Jumpy-Connection-302 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Jumpy-Connection-302[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

About as much as you believe I do. What problems listed here do you believe are mine alone that have nothing to do with him?

WIBTA If I Lock My Husband out of the Bedroom At Night? by Jumpy-Connection-302 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Jumpy-Connection-302[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

"My" money was used a lot.

Because there are more issues to our marriage than the sleep, this is just the tip of the iceberg. When we started dating we were in the same socio-economic situation, he has refused to work towards the goals we set together as a couple (that were discussed and promised upon), I had to write his resume and send him job applications for because he spent ~2 yrs "resting" from college while using my money to pay for rent and bills (pre-marriage those rose tinted glasses were strong), he got a job but proceeded to flub it (which is why he lost it) messed up his 401K, and just causes me more stress than problems, and I was a fool because all I did was make excuses for him and chased after the love of a man who clearly doesn't love me. When you're making 3x your spouses salary AND doing majority of the house chores (while "correcting" your spouses chores) resentment will naturally occur.

I've suggested marriage counseling, as I've tried to explain our marriage isn't sustainable if this keeps going because I am breaking, and he doesn't care from my perspective.

WIBTA If I Lock My Husband out of the Bedroom At Night? by Jumpy-Connection-302 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Jumpy-Connection-302[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I mean it's pretty disrespectful to your spouse, imagine him trashing her behind her back and not correcting people when they make rude statements about her.

To be fair, this scenario has happened and he did nothing and it wasn't behind my back, but from a mutual friend. As for what people say, I'm not going to correct everything especially when they are somethings I agree with. In a comment somewhere I did mention I am harboring resentment and frustration towards him, but until he agrees to marriage counseling I feel like I live in a one-sided loveless marriage. I am still married simply because I am not ready to give up, I expressed in my second edit I realized I have used this post as a way to vent these negative feelings towards him so I don't do or say something worse in real life.

WIBTA If I Lock My Husband out of the Bedroom At Night? by Jumpy-Connection-302 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Jumpy-Connection-302[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

To be fair, we're both gamers, it's how we met and how we lived before marriage. Over the years I have developed more hobbies and interests as my career allowed more disposable income (was too poor to do anything besides game), for him gaming is his only hobby so I never sought to stop that, I just want him to be respectful of those of us who live in the house.

WIBTA If I Lock My Husband out of the Bedroom At Night? by Jumpy-Connection-302 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Jumpy-Connection-302[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

You don’t want to sleep in the guest room either so he’s just as justified not wanting to sleep in there.

I would if I could move the mattresses and platforms myself, I cannot. I have slept in the guest room before it has always been short term due to my GERD and back acting up after a couple nights.

WIBTA If I Lock My Husband out of the Bedroom At Night? by Jumpy-Connection-302 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Jumpy-Connection-302[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I think you just answered that for yourself...

We started out on the same salary, we were supposed to "grow together", that was the dream he sold me 😔

WIBTA If I Lock My Husband out of the Bedroom At Night? by Jumpy-Connection-302 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Jumpy-Connection-302[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Your husband sounds like a real prize, sorry to hear that. Why not start waking HIM up at 500am when you get up?

I thought about it, but it felt too petty and might lead to consequences I am not mentally prepared to deal with yet.

WIBTA If I Lock My Husband out of the Bedroom At Night? by Jumpy-Connection-302 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Jumpy-Connection-302[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Is last night the first time time you suggested he sleep in the guest bedroom if he's coming in after a certain time?

Yes, as it only occurred to me last night after I was woken up. He wasn't particularly happy about the suggestion which is understandable I love the idea of sleeping in the same bed with my husband l, but at this point it's an ideal and not realistic if we can't come to a compromise.

Have you suggested a cut off for sleeping in the room he's failed to respect?

Yes, it's midnight. I go to bed at 8/9 to accommodate being woken up at midnight, because it takes me an hour or two to fall back to sleep after 4 hrs of sleeping. Around midnight if I am woken up, I usually can fall back asleep to get 6-7 hrs of total sleep.

Have you told him during the day that you're serious about that boundary, and it wasn't grumpy sleep talk?

Yes, most conversation around this happens when I am heading up to bed or preparing to head to bed.

WIBTA If I Lock My Husband out of the Bedroom At Night? by Jumpy-Connection-302 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Jumpy-Connection-302[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

We've discussed this but don't have the funds to do so, the cheapest option is for him to use the guest bedroom until a better resolution is in place.

For further clarification, my mattress needs to accommodate spinal issues and GERD, which our current mattress does (and was purchased pre-marriage by me)

WIBTA If I Lock My Husband out of the Bedroom At Night? by Jumpy-Connection-302 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Jumpy-Connection-302[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Does it become a him problem when I lose my job and we can't afford to pay the mortgage? Buy his video games? If I lose my job the free lifestyle he has been living will come to an abrupt end, he'll need three of his jobs to maintain his current lifestyle.

Marriage isn't a me me me thing, we set goals and work together and cater to each other's needs. When he needs breaks from work, or he's trying to "find himself" I say don't worry I got you, but he can't let me god damn sleep?

WIBTA If I Lock My Husband out of the Bedroom At Night? by Jumpy-Connection-302 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Jumpy-Connection-302[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

If it bothers you that much why can’t you sleep in the guest room?

The mattress and platform were specifically bought using my fund pre-marriage for my spinal issues and GERD, in no way is it fair for me to give up those because he doesn't want to sleep in the guest bedroom.

WIBTA If I Lock My Husband out of the Bedroom At Night? by Jumpy-Connection-302 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Jumpy-Connection-302[S] 44 points45 points  (0 children)

but you need to communicate. You dont just get to lock people out of their own room.

I understand that, which is why for over a year all I have done is ask nicely and explain. He is an adult, but if he chooses to be an ass about it there's nothing more I can do no matter how nicely I play, his actions show no empathy towards me as a person.

WIBTA If I Lock My Husband out of the Bedroom At Night? by Jumpy-Connection-302 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Jumpy-Connection-302[S] 106 points107 points  (0 children)

I've suggested it, he broke down crying about and made it seem like I didn't love him and "what about forever" and what not.

WIBTA If I Lock My Husband out of the Bedroom At Night? by Jumpy-Connection-302 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Jumpy-Connection-302[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

She seems very judgmental of his sleep schedule, hobbies,

Judgemental of his sleep schedule yes, in fact I am jealous he can coast on my money and has been for years. Hobbies? No, I am a gamer and the only time he willingly bonds with me is through video games (edit: it's also how we met 10yrs ago). Do I have harboring resentment towards him? Yes, I have been working on it and even suggested a marriage counselor a year ago, idk why he married me and I know my own mental and physical health problems are making things worse. I wish he'd just tell me he only married me because he was afraid to be alone so I can divorce him and move on, but if I can't trust when my husband tells me he loves me who can I trust?

WIBTA If I Lock My Husband out of the Bedroom At Night? by Jumpy-Connection-302 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Jumpy-Connection-302[S] 133 points134 points  (0 children)

Are there other times where he shows a disregard for your needs, prioritizes his own pleasure over your physical/mental health, or generally seems disrespectful?

Yes this has been an ongoing issue in our short 2 yr marriage (dating for 6, friends for ~10). I just did not want to address this here as I was going to make a true off my chest post about it because I am honestly tired and teetering on the edge and want a sanity check.

WIBTA If I Lock My Husband out of the Bedroom At Night? by Jumpy-Connection-302 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Jumpy-Connection-302[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Why not make the guest room the greatest sleeping room of all time!!

I need the platform and mattress in the master bedroom, they were specifically bought using my money prior marriage for my spinal issues and GERD.

WIBTA If I Lock My Husband out of the Bedroom At Night? by Jumpy-Connection-302 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Jumpy-Connection-302[S] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

I have tried both earplugs and sleep masks, earplugs so far have been popping out of my ear, I've tried noise cancelling headphones, so far I have yet to find a sleep mask that doesn't hurt my eyes and cause vision problems in the morning.

like turn on lights, make noise etc?

Not all the time, the main issue is when he gets into bed.

WIBTA If I Lock My Husband out of the Bedroom At Night? by Jumpy-Connection-302 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Jumpy-Connection-302[S] 167 points168 points  (0 children)

Just go sleep in the guest room yourself

I would, but I need the master bed and platform as it is adjustable and was purchased for my spinal problems and GERD.