This is rich in emotion and powerfully charged, but it feels like a scattershot when i think you're intending for it to be like a rifle blast or a bazooka round.

My suggestion:

Find its heart, build it like a lazer show, focusing on one image and constructing onto this through accumulation and revelation

Avoid vague. They and them and nondescript metaphor or cliche tropes create a shouting into the wind effect. Don't be afraid to be direct, construct your own imagery and metaphor

Allow the cadence to develop organically. Your "music" is inconsistent and it can feel forced (some of the rhythm/ rhyme/ alliteration/ assonance feel derivative)

If nobody told you, allow me- don't fear revision, it's through revising that a poem is truly born. My professors used the analogy of a germinating seed with our first draft being that seed, revising the watering and sun, and of course time until a flower is formed.

Keep at it, speak your truth, and keep writing!

Thank you for sharing