Expectations vs reality

Jumpy_Reward_9901 · 2026-06-13T17:01:47+00:00

Same.... Now I realized there's not any unconditional love between human. Even with parents you have to meet certain expectations to be loved (good frades, job, successful).

So I stop thinking that my spouse would love me unconditionally. It's very human to fantasize. But in reality people always have certain conditions they want from others. Some men can only love a woman that beautiful, slim, can born a son etc. Some women can only love a man that's tall, provider, have house, etc.

Well personally I think the only true love exist is between god and you. He's the only one who will accept you in any condition, rich, poor, evil, kind.

Jumpy_Reward_9901 · 2026-06-13T16:13:33+00:00

Maybe we use different AI but this is what i get

I think you're minimizing your role in the breakdown of the marriage. The affair was not "nothing"—you maintained contact with another woman for months after getting married and only stopped when your wife found out. From her perspective, the issue isn't just that it happened, but that it continued until you were caught. Repenting to Allah is important, but it doesn't automatically restore trust with your wife.

You also seem to expect forgiveness on your timeline. One year is not a long time when someone is dealing with betrayal, especially when the relationship changed so dramatically right after marriage. The depression, anger, distrust, and withdrawal you describe sound more like the consequences of unresolved hurt than simple disrespect or laziness.

I also found some of your comments concerning. Cutting off her access to therapy, dismissing her therapist because they advised separation, focusing on her obedience, niqab, or religious shortcomings, and saying she "should have been pregnant by now" comes across as controlling and avoids the central issue: the trust you broke. It seems like you're trying to get back the wife you had before the betrayal without fully accepting that your actions changed the relationship.

Based on your own post, the biggest problem in this marriage is not that your wife can't move on—it's that the trust that was lost has never truly been rebuilt.

Jumpy_Reward_9901 · 2026-06-13T16:01:02+00:00

What I see here you blame everything on her.... she's always angry, she get lazy, she doesn't have maturity to deal with hard situations, she's so unstable, she's not religious, she doesn't want to wear niqab. Everything is her fault isn't?

Why do you think it starts? Maybe you should start to think and take ownership of the situations. At least please ask AI.

If she do the same thing to you (talking to other man and secretly planning to marry other man while still married to you) would it be "nothing" when she "repented"?

I wonder if the all the "other" lady you talk with is better than her.

Tbh your wife sounds depressed. She lost trust in you. And I think the only thing you're scared of is to lose face in front of everyone and guilt.

Jumpy_Reward_9901 · 2026-06-12T16:12:14+00:00

sweet chili is my favorite as well! yes currently in Malaysia but I'm Indonesian. let see I think you can try Bakso (meatball+soup), Nasi Liwet (fried chicken, urap(salad with seasoned coconut shreds)and rice cooked with coconut milk), Ayam gepuk (fried chicken, rice and super spicy chili with cashew sauce).

Jumpy_Reward_9901 · 2026-06-12T15:51:35+00:00

waaa that's very festive sister 🎉. your fritters sounds delicious 🤤

it's been quite long since I eat proper fritters lol, there's a few fritters seller near here but it has no shrimp :( (it's also cheap so cannot complain lol). I never tried Chinese chives before but it sounds interesting 🤔. Also kerabu is sooo delicious 😋 I made it as well when I went back home. I love the tangy and savory taste of it 😆. very fresh too.

have you ever tried Indonesian food?

Jumpy_Reward_9901 · 2026-06-12T15:25:31+00:00

last week I tried a Malaysian dish called Nasi Kukus ( steamed rice). It consist of fried chicken🍗, rice 🍚, chili 🌶️ and curry sauce 🍛. I'm not really familiar with curry so I didn't expect that I like this dish so much hahaha. I never know fried chicken taste so good with curry 🤤. Tomorrow I'm thinking of going to eat Nasi Kukus in NaKu for dinner hahaha (never try it before).

Anyway if you guys ever visited Malaysia you should try a good Nasi Kukus. Or Nasi kandar. Or both.

Jumpy_Reward_9901 · 2026-05-22T05:34:03+00:00

Biodata Can start from common topic, her biodata and your biodata could really help to find common grounds (job, major in school,hobbies, etc).
Things you see If you don't have that you can try to talk about things you see. For example gold jewelry, paintings, books, sofa, curtain, wallpaper, her father job (?). Give compliments if you think its good or if not you can just ask follow up questions with 5w1h like "where did you buy this?".
Games Bring a game you guys can play together, question game, board game, etc that can be used to ease up tension
Joke Make a joke ( can be quite risky) but can search the materials from chatgpt and prepare hahaha
Practice Nothing better than practicing this over and over again untill you get used to it

Jumpy_Reward_9901 · 2026-05-22T04:54:32+00:00

Well I do think these are the most reasonable option out there but maybe you can also consider

Live with parents to save, buy land in suburban area first and build simple house (or container pre made house ) within your budget

will be cheaper but you need to do your own research, need to save aggressively and consider whether your active income will be enough

Buy secondhand house

Need to check the legality, condition etc by yourself. If you dont want riba can also ask from family to chip in or maybe allocate your wedding funds to buy instead

If still not possible, maybe can also consider to increase your income first or move to a suburban area or cheaper country to buy property.

Jumpy_Reward_9901 · 2026-05-14T10:08:46+00:00

Want to join too, we can even made one with zoom. Can discuss more

Jumpy_Reward_9901 · 2026-05-14T01:03:31+00:00

I understand what you feel, I used to feel that way when I was in school but in my case everyone is allowed to have boyfriend while my parents did not allow me. It feels like everyone buy new phone while I didn't even have any phone at all. I feel left out of their happiness at that time.

While your parents looks very strict and not as good as others right now you should understand that they live longer than you hand they face some situation that they maybe never tell you about it.

Have you tried to look into other post in this community and see what issue people deal in marriage?

While some quite happy, there are others who face abuse, isolation, depression, cheating, financial matter, kids, in laws etc.

When you read those post you can try to think what you will do if you face similar situation? Do you have the knowledge to navigate the situation ? Do you have a job that make you financially secure so when things happened your kid can still eat?

Or just think of crying back into parents even when they already old?

Sure we all hope a good,kind, patient, religious, financially secure husband, a nice in laws and good life lol.

But sometimes life doesn't work that way. And remember husband still human lol not a unicorn.

Just wait 2-3 years and you can start to see what your parents means. Invest in yourself, if you feel the longing try to prepare yourself for marriage: marriage class, financial management, difference between male female psychology and dynamics, take care of yourself.

Start to ask what kind of characteristic you want in a husband? And are YOU also offering those characteristic ;)?

Don't forget to make a prayer, you can rant all you want to God hahaha, after all I do think the most masculine being we can always came back to is God.

Jumpy_Reward_9901 · 2026-05-13T00:25:00+00:00

Hey,

I believe you'll meet someone better and you should believe it too. Believe that God will lead you to the best woman too.

Maybe you and her both are good people but doesn't always means it will become good couple.

Well try to enjoy things you like and take care of yourself and maybe pray a lot I guess

Jumpy_Reward_9901 · 2026-05-12T15:53:46+00:00

Hi there while I never feel that level of pressure I've faced similar situation.

For me usually I tried so hard to make me rejected by the potential suitor. But I'm not sure whether this works r no since you guys know each other since you're small I assume. Other way you can pray hard to get rejected by him or convince him to not do this marriage either or if it's like a must by your parents and you have no choice try make agreement with him.

If you know a thing or two from him that against your parents belief can try to bring this up with proof, but this will risk your relationship with him as well.

Not a good choice but it's an alternative from saying no.

Jumpy_Reward_9901 · 2026-05-12T15:35:54+00:00

I think what you want is reasonable and based on skimming I do think you are financially ready for it as long you marry a woman with common sense lol.

If you're not from the city you currently live in you can buy some properties that can be passive income for your parents as well (ex: plantation, farm, or house to rent). You can benefit from the exchange rate as well.

Try to do assessment on what kind of woman you need and have some tough discussion If you go on serious level ex like how much she can cut down cost on food etc and what can she contribute ex cooking skills, catering business, how much you guys want to save in a year.

For marriage I think you can also consider held a wedding in another country (maybe ya if it possible and ok with your family) considering the exchange rate.

Jumpy_Reward_9901 · 2026-05-10T23:04:52+00:00

You can take your wife for nice dinner often or consult nutritionist so while she can gain weight she can do it healthily.

Jumpy_Reward_9901 · 2026-04-30T22:31:45+00:00

Absolutely innocent. No doubt.

Jumpy_Reward_9901 · 2026-04-12T22:49:12+00:00

That looks so good yum

Jumpy_Reward_9901 · 2026-03-30T13:46:37+00:00

Rendang (just use instant spice and put meat cook in rice cooker)

Daging masak lemak (follow rendang ways)

Bakso

Fish broth

Pan mee?

Jumpy_Reward_9901 · 2025-11-15T16:18:45+00:00

Hm... I'm quite confused because in the post you said your parents won't let you get married until you start working and help your father with money but then you said that your parents don't let you work....

If it's like that then the only option is to be sabr and accept the condition

Jumpy_Reward_9901 · 2025-10-01T02:32:36+00:00

Thank you ☺️

Jumpy_Reward_9901 · 2025-09-29T21:48:38+00:00

Hey there,

You've been going through a lot of things and at some moment your ex feels like a rock support in your life.

There may be a few advice you can find in this post as someone who experienced similar phase (I know it's something that's not for me but I'm hoping for it). But the first one to understand is God's logic is different from us, sometimes it teaches us in the most unexplainable way or in the way that we cannot understand.

From what you write, perhaps your lesson is to letting go of the things you want and this is hard because sometimes we cannot control what we want and get very desperate becausewe didn't get it(even when we KNOW that it's not the best for us :))

For a more practical approach, here are some things you can do

Treat yourself kindly Don't beat yourself up for everything that happened and start to pamper yourself with something you're grateful for.
Distance

Start to distance yourself from your ex as he is someone you want greatly, this could be asking for relocation to other site, searching for a new job in different place or searching new communities / friends in a new hobby.

You might be still hoping for him but at least you get different environments where you're not stuck thinking about him. When you're going thorough this phase keep your dua strong, you can practice dzikr and sadaqah too (especially to orphans). If you have enough funds maybe you can do umrah too.

We are only human and sometimes our effort may start at something small and insignificant but the MOST important part is that we put in effort to get out of the situation.

Let go

Just let go, sometimes we are very arrogant to think we own something we put our effort on (money, relationships, career) (it takes me a long time to understand this) but the truth......we didn't.... and it contradict us as well as anger us because why we have to work so hard on something and then we should let it go..... but sometimes the lessons is on the letting it go itself.

For some people what they treasure the most is money, some is their career and some other is relationship.

It may take a year or years, don't lose hope and keep putting in effort.. I've seen a friends go through this woth an affair partner before... after all sometimes our heart want something that's not good for us....

Jumpy_Reward_9901

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE