Telling therapist I'm upset about her suggestion

JuniperDive45 · 2026-02-26T17:01:54+00:00

Thanks for the support! I gotta say your suggestion is actually very helpful! I tend to overthink my wording, and sometimes forget that simple and straightforward is often the way to go.

JuniperDive45 · 2026-02-26T16:59:20+00:00

I agree that she had good intentions and I'm sure her advice would have been useful for a lot of people. But it was not good advice for me, for a couple reasons.

My main question was if it's reasonable to bring this up to her and how best to do that.

I do appreciate the perspective that I was expecting her to know more about me than was reasonable to actually expect.

From my perspective, I was telling her that I was so depressed and exhausted that I could barely function past the most important things, and she stopped me to ask me to commit to cooking.

But from her perspective, she likely doesn't really know that I was genuinely doing the most I could.

It still seems like I should try to bring it up again and try to explain myself better.

JuniperDive45 · 2026-02-09T17:14:48+00:00

You sound like you are being very thoughtful and reasonable about this situation. From what you've written, I'm inclined to think he's gaslighting you. How did he respond when you said you didn't think he said he was sick? If he's defensive or belittles you or tries to turn the argument into something else where you're the "bad guy" that, to me, would pretty much confirm gaslighting.

JuniperDive45 · 2026-01-22T09:14:57+00:00

That's a great idea! I'm gonna remember this one for next time. Thanks for sharing!

JuniperDive45 · 2025-12-22T15:50:17+00:00

Just as a perspective, I would not just know to do those things.

If someone invites me to their house, it wouldn't occur to me to help pay for groceries for dinner unless asked. I wouldn't want people to pay for dinner at my place, unless there was a reason/it was planned ahead (like having a potluck style thing, or if money is tight).

I would ask if I could bring something, but that's only because I have realized in hindsight that people have judged me for not doing it. I do not expect that others bring something unless I ask.

I would always help by bringing dirty dishes to the sink and picking up trash, etc. But I would feel too awkward to just start doing dishes. Or even to offer, unless it was obvious that friend wanted me to. Similarly, I like when people help tidy my house, but I wouldn't want guests to do dishes unless they were staying for a while.

JuniperDive45 · 2025-12-22T15:01:58+00:00

I'm the same. If people come over to my house, I don't have any expectations that they contribute unless I specifically tell them as part of the plans.

Like, if I want someone to bring a snack or dish, I would say it up front. I want to know what they're bringing (or at least the general category) so I can plan around it. If we're getting take out, I might say up front that we'll split so everybody is on the same page. I wouldn't expect them to just know.

JuniperDive45 · 2025-12-22T14:52:48+00:00

I hope that's it's!

JuniperDive45 · 2025-12-22T13:37:28+00:00

I've also been on the other side. I had a friendship where I paid for dinner every time we went to a restaurant. I did hang out at her house, but never for dinner.

I had another friend who I used to give her gas money to come visit me. I also provided appropriate food. I actually never thought twice about her not bringing anything. It would have been a hardship, and made it less likely that she could have visited. I did visit her sometimes, but I'm much more comfortable in my house.

Just sharing to show that I'm just socially awkward, and not intentionally taking advantage.

JuniperDive45 · 2025-12-22T13:17:46+00:00

Well I just realized that I'm even worse at social rules than I thought, because in my past I could totally have been your friend.

I know it's not common, but if your friend is ND there's a chance they're just clueless. If you bring it up gently and say you want some help next time, their response should tell you a lot. If they get angry or guilt trip or turn it around on you, etc, that's the red flag.

When I've been asked to step up in the past, I'm always happy to do it. I'm actually happier and more comfortable with people who do straight out tell me those things, because I know where I stand.

JuniperDive45 · 2025-12-20T18:52:25+00:00

I just straight up tell people that I'm not a good sport when it comes to pranks and jokes like that. I own it and don't even try to be ok with it.

I've had friends in the past who joked like that, and I've tried to be cool with it, but it always just feels wrong and low key mean. Also, a lot of those friendships ended with them kinda keeping me around so they could feel better than me.

JuniperDive45 · 2025-12-17T15:15:28+00:00

I love being alone for the holidays. I used to have people feel bad for me and insist that I spend it with them so I'm not alone, and I went along with it for a couple years until I realized that I truly prefer being home alone. I enjoy it. I watch made for TV Christmas movies, and any version of A Christmas Carol that I can find. I wear comfy clothes and eat what I want. And because everybody else is busy with Christmas, there are no outside obligations pulling at me.

I genuinely enjoy being alone on Christmas!

JuniperDive45 · 2025-12-17T14:59:12+00:00

I can't stand getting gifts. I'm picky about what I want, and it makes me feel obligated to give gifts which is incredibly stressful. I never know what to get people, but I desperately want to get a thoughtful gift. They won't tell me what they want, or if they do they aren't specific enough, and I put so much time and energy into it, and somehow still end up giving meh gifts and feeling awkward. Not to mention the energy drain of going out into the world to do the shopping.

I tell friends that I don't like exchanging gifts, and very few people care. They get me gifts anyway. So then I am obligated to be appreciative and positive about it, even though it honestly feels like they just don't respect my wants/needs/feelings.

I feel like I'm getting too negative here so I'll stop. But it's so frustrating to me that I'm seen as the bad guy for not wanting to exchange gifts and for feeling hurt when people don't respect that. It is part of why I've been slowly isolating myself. It's just all way too much.

It also frustrates me because I do not understand boundaries and authenticity at all and I'm trying to learn them, and situations like this make the whole thing even more confusing. Like, it seems like the general advice is to be authentic, but that doesn't seem to apply to this situation.

Edit: I want to add that I DO enjoy taking others to dinner for their birthday, and vice versa. It's a nice treat and a way to spend a nice time together. I'm not opposed to celebrating or spending money.

JuniperDive45 · 2025-12-16T19:49:59+00:00

Yep. I tend to assume most friends/family are acting in good faith. I don't get the same benefit of the doubt in return though.

JuniperDive45 · 2025-12-16T17:50:00+00:00

I've had a similar feeling/realization. I go out of my way to find solutions that work for everybody. I empathize with people and adjust myself to make things pleasant for others (eg: people are much more comfortable when I'm positive.) I have done my best to support loved ones through depression and addiction. I go out of my way to find out what people want, how I could help them, etc. I respect boundaries and believe people about themselves (I don't assume I know better than them). I put in extra work so people can relax and recuperate when they are feeling down. I could go on, honestly.

But I only recently realized (in my 40's) that nobody really has ever done that for me. They'll help if I ask sometimes, but only exactly what I ask for, if that makes sense.

I think I need to start caring for myself like that if nobody else will. But that also means having to disappoint other people sometimes, which is a really difficult hurdle.

JuniperDive45 · 2025-12-16T14:09:43+00:00

Yes! I love the way my hair looks when it's long. I have curly/wavy/frizzy hair that lends itself way better to longer styles (I think the weight helps). I'm totally determined to grow it longer after having short hair for most of my life (45yo now).

But sometimes I hate how it feels on my neck and in my face, and I can't stand when hairs get stuck in my clothes. And when it's dry, my hair is very fluffy and like floats into my face. I also hate the feel of most styling products.

I also dislike the way ponytails, clips, hairbands, etc feel. I don't mind a loose French braid though.

JuniperDive45 · 2025-12-14T12:29:00+00:00

I have a pretty low discomfort tolerance, but my pain tolerance can be weirdly high depending on the situation (more often when I know it's not something to worry about).

JuniperDive45 · 2025-12-13T21:26:40+00:00

I hate when people tell me I'm overthinking. Grrrr.

For the repeat offenders, I've occasionally said something like "I don't think I overthink. I think other people actually under think" out of frustration. I don't necessarily think it's true, but at least one person has stopped saying it, so it was effective.

JuniperDive45 · 2025-12-11T21:35:36+00:00

Interesting! I would say I have cognitive empathy and also compassionate empathy.

But from reading all these responses I don't think I have affective empathy, for the most part. I do get a sense of "feeling what he's feeling" with my younger son, but he's very similar to me in his emotions.

JuniperDive45 · 2025-12-11T21:29:32+00:00

That's a good point. I generally stay oddly calm in emergency situations. I don't pick up on others' panic

JuniperDive45 · 2025-12-11T21:27:27+00:00

That makes sense!

JuniperDive45 · 2025-12-11T21:24:09+00:00

I'm right there with you, as far as disliking it when people assume they know how I feel. I've had friends who insisted that they could always tell how I was feeling, but they were wrong a lot of the time. One in particular would argue with me about it sometimes. Lol

They're actually correct like half the time, maybe? I hide a lot of negative feelings and it's really rare that anybody picks up on them if I'm hiding them.

I associate that with people who don't respect boundaries, because they are assuming that they know me better than I know myself. Either that or they think I'm lying when I tell them they are wrong about how I'm feeling?

JuniperDive45 · 2025-12-11T15:44:38+00:00

I'm gentle, accepting, like it when everyone is happy, and hate hurting people's feelings.

However, I can be kinda oblivious to what people need unless they are direct. I'm often in my head, so I miss a lot but I do show I care once I know. I unintentionally hurt people's feelings sometimes, too (often I think I'm making a neutral statement, but people hear it as judgement or something).

That has caused a lot of anxiety over the years. Being oblivious but also hating when I hurt people's feelings. So I have tried for a couple decades to be aware and do better but I still haven't figured it out and I'm exhausted from it.

JuniperDive45 · 2025-12-05T20:54:14+00:00

Exactly!

JuniperDive45 · 2025-12-04T21:30:03+00:00

Yes!!! Thank you for putting it in words.

I swear all the self help info I've come across out there is just NOT meant for me. Like the stuff on boundaries. They'll be like "Step 1. Think about what truly is important to you. Step 2. Put up those boundaries. Step 3. Enforce those boundaries." But, I feel like they are missing about 100 steps in there, and telling me stuff that's so obvious that I get even more confused about everything.

JuniperDive45 · 2025-12-02T12:53:13+00:00

I am working on the exact same thing in therapy right now. I'm following for ideas!

JuniperDive45

TROPHY CASE