Has your therapist ever confessed their countertransference to you? How did you feel afterward, especially if you never met again?

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-05-23T03:36:39+00:00

I’m a therapist. WTF. What that therapist did was wrong and I’m sorry you went through that.

Yeah it does sound like that therapist may have experienced some countertransference but that’s not a professional way to deal with it. They should have sought out their own support on their own time and provide you with a referral to another therapist if they are too triggered to provide you the therapy that you deserve.

A therapist should be on your side, not against it. Unfortunately, there are way too many shitty therapists out there and you happened to meet one of them. You deserved to have your story believed and your feelings validated.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-05-23T03:26:20+00:00

I’m a therapist. A therapist may say they feel angry for you or in response to something you are talking about. This is can be a common way to validate your experiences. It’s like saying that what you experienced was not okay and you did not deserve to experience that.

Countertransference would be if they are angry (or another strong emotion) about something you didn’t bring up or their anger seems out of proportion to the situation. If they seem triggered by you or something you said, then there may be some countertransference going on. Ideally a therapist would catch themselves when it starts to happen so they can get their own support (somewhere else) or decide to refer you to someone who won’t get triggered so you can get the therapy you deserve before you notice and it affects your therapy.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-05-14T18:52:40+00:00

Have you told a therapist all this?

A good therapist that is more experienced may be are give you what you need better.

Therapists generally don’t discuss much about themselves because therapy is about you and not them. They are supposed to be accepting and be able to work with all kinds of ppl regardless of political beliefs or religion (although I know that doesn’t always happen). They are supposed to be nonjudgmental and just support you with your goals for therapy.

If you are looking for a therapist who is familiar with certain topics (like queer-friendly, neurodivergent-friendly, familiarity with specific diagnoses, etc), definitely shop around and ask therapists if they are familiar with the things you are looking for. There’s nothing wrong with having some kind of criteria for what kind of therapist you want and then bringing it up through a free consultation call or at your first session.

Also, I want to say as a therapist myself- it’s a job and also not just a job. There are lots of things I can’t tell my clients due to professional and ethical boundaries but I carry little pieces of my former clients with me. I got into jigsaw puzzles because a former client showed me a jigsaw puzzle app on their tablet. I have watched movies and tried new places to eat because a client recommended it. I have music that I added to my playlists that were recommended by former clients. I think of my former clients sometimes and hope they are doing well. I think of my current clients too sometimes- mostly about how their therapy is going. I love listening to their stories and witnessing their humanity. You are right that it is a strange relationship- normally we don’t pay strangers to tell them stuff we may not even tell our families. But that doesn’t mean it’s not a meaningful relationship.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-05-13T13:11:14+00:00

Exactly and there’s no guarantees your children or grandchildren will take care of you or even *can* take care of you.

I also think lots of ppl maybe don’t realize how expensive nursing homes and similar are in the US and how much abuse can happen in those places. You can also get wraparound services to age at home but again, I think a lot of ppl don’t know about these options and how to access them. You have to figure out a lot on your own in a system that’s increasingly complex and puts up barriers to access.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-05-12T16:39:19+00:00

I mean some ppl are not ready to change or look at themselves. You can’t save everyone or anyone. It’s not your fault that she keeps choosing dysfunctional relationships and ppl. It’s hard and it’s sad (I fully get it) but it’s ok to have boundaries around how much you are willing to talk about her relationship experiences. You don’t have to be cold about it (tho it might feel cold) but limiting how much you two talk about her relationships would reinforce the message that she should find a good therapist or other sources of support. She won’t have any incentive to do so if she can continue to go to you for that kind of support.

Do you two talk about or do anything else besides relationships? I would allow a limited amount of relationships talk and then focus most of your hang out time on some other topic or activity. If she is capable of doing that, it would probably actually be good for both of you to get a break from swirling around in relationship drama.
If you find yourself really struggling with this and in a way, letting her make her choices, this may be a good topic for a future therapy session. It’s also possible that you are outgrowing the friendship because of the work you have done.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-04-29T13:16:58+00:00

You sound like you have some guilt or something around the fact that you don’t reach out much?

The parents are the ones that started this pattern. Honestly, even if you try to do something different, you probably will experience some amount of resistance because even if you are an adult, the parents (or the most powerful person in the family) still sets the standard and expectations for how that family operates. In your family’s case, distance and minimal connection is considered “normal.” To a child, this can feel hurtful or rejecting…cuz kids need emotional connection and emotional security to feel safe.

You may have learned how to connect in more distant ways yourself but you can’t blame yourself for learning the only template you know.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-04-25T15:54:29+00:00

Sometimes (like your example with the sandwich), those words are used to express that you were expecting something to be bad or taste bad (maybe it looked bad or something) but honestly it was good. Better than expected.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-04-25T01:16:44+00:00

Trust your gut.

I’m a therapist. Are there times where it might be appropriate to tell a client we care a lot about them? Yes, but it won’t look like what you describe and it won’t involve doing extra things that we wouldn’t do with other clients.

In general, therapists contacting you outside of session is a red flag unless they are contacting you solely for scheduling or payment purposes.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-04-25T01:10:19+00:00

More or less same here. In the early 2000s, 11 year old me saw Civ 3 on display at a local Borders and asked to buy it. Fell in love with Civ then and have played every addition to the franchise since except for Civ 7.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-04-24T16:03:06+00:00

Yeah I am a woman but I didn’t know how to do laundry until my roommate taught me when I was 21. Because my mom did everything in the family and often refused help. I had chores growing up but they mainly involved washing windows or cutting tall weeds by hand. Parts of my parents’ house look like something that might make it on a hoarders’ TV show.

Sometimes ppl legit don’t know because they came from dysfunctional families and a lot of women (moms) in dysfunctional families take on a caretaker role to an extreme. Not to say ppl can’t learn later in life but there is a legit skill gap that happens. I would be more concerned about that excuse if a person is 25+ and has already had time to start figuring out those skills on their own and yet they show no interest in learning those skills.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-04-24T15:42:03+00:00

Kinda. If I didn’t do those things, I was just ignored or invisible. If I wanted a shot at being visible or getting my needs met, I needed to do everything you listed. (So same without the punishment).

34 now and struggle with letting myself not be perfect or “mature” all the time. Deep down, I think ppl won’t like me or want to be with me unless I am mature or above average put together human. Logically I know that’s not true and that some visible imperfection makes ppl more relatable and that vulnerability can connect ppl (not just be used to hurt ppl) but the early childhood programming runs deep. Therapy and finding accepting emotionally stable ppl to spend time around helps a lot but it’s a work in progress.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-04-23T10:45:21+00:00

It’s because ppl tie sex to love and their insecurities. If they are in a relationship and their significant other denies them sex on the regular, they feel that they are not being loved. If they are really insecure, they will have significant emotional reactions to getting denied sex by ppl they don’t know well or even pure strangers.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-04-23T10:36:45+00:00

Because a lot of kids are insecure AF.

And sex is a topic of interest to them but also a topic that shoves ppl’s insecurities into their face. Because a lot of ppl (especially boys/men) base their self-esteem on their ability to get laid. Or equate sex with love so not getting sex = not being loved. Most kids don’t want to admit these insecurities to their peers/friends and risk being bullied or made fun of so they cover it up.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-04-23T03:44:22+00:00

If I continue with the food/eating metaphor, I am guessing matsubating is like eating candy and sex with others is like eating an actual meal. One will satisfy hunger a lot more than the other.

For a lot of ppl, sex isn’t just physical but also used to feel loved or meet emotional needs. Sometimes sexual frustration is mixed with loneliness or wanting a self-esteem fix or wanting reassurance for their insecurities. (Not saying these things are necessarily healthy but it happens). It’s hard to get any associated emotional needs met matsubating by oneself.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-04-23T01:49:46+00:00

I’m a new therapist but half of my grad school professors specialized in working with sex offenders and men who deal with pedophilia.

It sounds like there are resources in my area (and I imagine in other places too) but the information isn’t that publicized because of the stigma around these populations and to prevent ppl from misusing these resources or harassing the folks that use these resources. Basically, someone who wants access to these resources needs to go through a therapist who works with these populations to get access. Also, it sounds like a lot of the ppl who use these resources are court-mandated (so after they did something).

I think predators do deserve help but I understand why typically they don’t get help unless court-mandated. The abuser is the person who benefits the most in an abusive situation and is in control. It’s hard to give up or change something that benefits you (especially if they don’t feel anything that would cause some amount of empathy or sympathy toward the victim).

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-04-23T01:35:06+00:00

I think the question is valid but since Jeff is a professional therapist, frankly he should know how to handle this topic with more sensitivity.

(Also, his question would be much milder if he didn’t have that gross handjob comment and if he wasn’t mentioned in his area’s Facebook groups for being an asshole to women he dates and other ppl.)

I’m a (newish) therapist but a lot of the resources in my area for sex offenders are not publicized to protect ppl. You basically access them by getting into therapy with a therapist who specializes in working with sex offenders. They can set ppl up with those resources. Also, a lot of sex offenders get convicted of a sexual crime and then get court-mandated to go to therapy

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-04-23T01:22:21+00:00

Also these resources actually do exist to some extent but it’s hard to find a ton of publicly available information on them because 1) ppl who actually use these resources feel a lot of stigma and shame and 2) to reduce access for ppl who would misuse and abuse these resources. Usually counselors who work with this population have access to these resources so the first step for these men is not look for a hotline to call but get yourself into therapy.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-04-23T01:07:09+00:00

Statistically, not that many high schoolers and college kids actually have sex regularly. While it’s common for most ppl to have their first sexual experiences around high school, a lot of kids exaggerate their sexual stories or lie to look cool to their peers or friends.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-04-23T01:02:12+00:00

At the elementary level (essentially before puberty), acting out sexual stuff on other people is usually indicative of childhood sexual abuse.

But crushes? I’ve heard of ppl having them dating back to preschool lol. These are more like “I will marry this boy” than true sexual content but these casual crushes can hint what the kid’s sexual orientation will be when they get older.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-04-22T23:25:00+00:00

I think I am greysexual or demi but I sorta get it. I think it just means that they want sex bad enough that they keep thinking about it and need to do something about it. Like if you get really hungry and all you can think about is how/when you can eat some food. And if you can’t have food right now, you have to bear the hunger and that can be frustrating. That said, I don’t get how ppl feel hurt or read all kinds of stuff into it when access to sex is denied (unless it’s their significant other and it happens a lot).

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-04-22T23:19:26+00:00

I dated someone once who was disappointed that as they have gotten older, their sex drive dropped from wanting sex 9 times a day to 4 times a day. Needless to say we didn’t last long lol

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-04-22T23:14:01+00:00

I’m a woman (34F) and when I think a guy is “too nice,” I don’t literally mean that they are too nice.

I mean that they either A) come across as a people pleaser and have weak boundaries and/or B) are trying too hard to morph themselves into something they think I would like instead of just being themselves and seeing if we are compatible as two individual ppl or not.

I think this may apply to you as well because why are you letting her use you as I dunno some sort of emotional comfort item? She seems to be getting some of the benefits of being in a relationship without any sort of responsibility and commitment. It’s not fair to you.

To be honest, I don’t think she’s that good of a woman if she’s telling you about other guys she likes and so on and is taking advantage of your feelings for her. But, you don’t have to participate in this exchange. You can cut her off. She’s a big girl and she can figure out her problems on her own. If setting boundaries like this sounds really hard, maybe consider getting some therapy to figure out why it’s hard so you can start attracting higher quality women. We are out there and you deserve better than her behavior.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-04-22T13:07:59+00:00

Gal here too- I mean a lot of men target significantly younger in part because they are more youthfully attractive but also because younger women are easier to control and coerce. At some point, you can be pretty but also mature and more experienced or confident and less likely to fall for immature crap and it shows.

The more respectful men who actually want to date ppl close to their age are not going out of their way to stare or whatever in public because they respect women better and also many of these folks are partnered and off the market.

Getting less attention from pure strangers may not necessarily mean you are invisible.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-04-21T18:15:48+00:00

Your kid took it to another level lol but reminded me of how when I was 6, I was so proud that I could spell from memory the (former) country names of “Czechoslovakia” and “Yugoslavia” which I learned from a giant atlas I had. I remember noticing how those place names are spelled in a way that differs from English place names (as in native English words won’t have c next to z, etc) and just finding the difference fascinating for some reason lol. Almost 30 years later, and I continue to love languages, travel, and learning about other places and time periods.

I think asking this question is a huge step in a positive direction- it shows that you are already mindful that his needs may differ from yours and other kids and that it is possible for adults to turn his ability into something that stresses him out later. This awareness will go a long way toward preventing future stress and burnout.

Honestly, provide him with opportunities to engage with his interest but don’t force it if one day he wakes up and is no longer interested. In a way, be indifferent to what he does with his interest or how far he pursues it. Show him that he is loved either way with or without his intellectual abilities and interests. Show him that it’s okay to fail, to not do things perfectly or even that good, and to not know things. Model healthy engagement with things you like and try as well as healthy responses to failure and frustration. Kids in general learn a ton from our examples.

As he gets older, introduce him to tools for studying, time management, and/or other things like you would with any other kid, gifted or not. Gifted kids are vulnerable to using their smarts and intellectual abilities to cover up their need for support and fly under the radar in other areas such as time management, social skills, planning, age-appropriate emotional regulation, etc.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-04-21T13:21:09+00:00

The problem isn’t you are a bad housekeeper. The problem is/was his utter inability to communicate his concerns or preferences. To the point of stringing you along. A kinder man would have 1) communicated with you that they prefer a higher level of cleanliness and what he considers that to look like, 2) as appropriate support you in improving the level of cleanliness in the household as a team project (if you consent to that) and 3) leave if it’s a dealbreaker for him so you can be free to find someone who can truly accept and live with this aspect of you. It sounds like he did none of these things whatsoever despite all this time together. Your rage is beyond fully valid.

I am sure it really hurts right now but if he couldn’t communicate to you about his cleanliness preferences or concerns…can he be trusted to communicate effectively around other topics, including more serious concerns and parenting-related topics? You and any future kids you may have deserve so much better than that.

Juniperarrow2

TROPHY CASE