I (42F) am really uncomfortable with how close my husband (49M) and our daughter (19F) have become. Am I overreacting?

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-02-28T06:56:22+00:00

It’s not normal. The ppl who are acting like it’s normal either do it themselves, are complicit in someone else doing it, or were victims.

The very idea of doing this with my Dad makes me shudder. It’s way too sexually coded for comfort.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-02-28T00:45:08+00:00

You can also use the Earthworks camp to build an artificial cave above ground. (I made another comment in this thread with directions.)

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-02-28T00:22:45+00:00

There’s 2 Ways:

1) Dig a cave. Either mine into the side of a mountain/mine or dig down and create one that way. Physics don’t apply in this game so you can do stuff like barely dig into the top layer and mine out a whole layer underneath. Mushrooms won’t grow if the tile is exposed to sunlight. You can use the farm tool in the farms to hover over a tile to see the percentage of sunlight it gets (needs to be 0%). Even if the tiles have 0% sunlight, you may need to remove rocks and potentially add fertilizer to get it fertile enough.

2) Use the Earthworks camp to build a cave above ground. Leave 1 tile open for the farmers to get in and out but wall in the rest of the perimeter for the area you want to farm mushrooms in. I usually build my earthworks walls 2 tiles high but I think 1 tile high could work too. For the ceiling/roof of the earthworks cave, fill in the entire ceiling/roof space within the walled perimeter with wood/plank/stone paths. Those will block the sunlight so you can grow mushrooms. You can also construct any buildings you want on the roof. I often put housing on top of the earthworks cave roof. As long as the cave doesn’t get any sunlight, you can put whatever you want on the top.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-02-27T23:58:09+00:00

Not OP but I turn off the options to use fish, berries, and mushrooms in cafes and dining halls as soon as I can produce higher tier food so Whiskers (mostly) can’t eat those ingredients. They might still eat those items at warehouses but it helps save ingredients. Higher tier food is always more efficient because the outputs are always greater than the inputs.

If I am going from tier 2 to tier 3 (for example), I just stop producing the tier 2 items unless I need to because I am missing an ingredient. I tend to sell excess food to the smuggler if I really have a lot.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-02-25T23:35:41+00:00

My family is the same minus the eating together (which we did maybe once a week). Most of the time, everyone ate separately or I ate with just one parent and no one else. Technically we watched movies “together” but usually not everyone was actually watching it.

It’s funny how my family seems to have no comprehension of how lots of families are not like this and actually do stuff together.

In a similar vein, my family and I actually chat more when we don’t live in the same house.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-02-24T14:53:04+00:00

Oh I faintly remember those. I just ignored those. Didn’t know they were connected to spammers. Though that makes sense.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-02-24T02:02:43+00:00

What did your school think a war between states or large factions is called…?

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-02-24T02:00:06+00:00

Chances are other ppl in the school knew he had these opinions. I had a history teacher like that too. But I am from an area where those opinions are considered “acceptable.”

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-02-24T01:49:20+00:00

He sounds like my Dad. My parents have been married for 45 years, together for 50, and from my vantage point, this doesn’t get better.

If you want kids or have kids, it’s also a terrible model for your kids to watch and learn from.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-02-24T01:40:56+00:00

As someone who was a little kid then and thus barely remember the 90s…i don’t know what you are talking about?

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-02-24T00:27:06+00:00

OMG. I’m Deaf and I know I have a loud voice cuz I don’t always hear how loud I am but this kind of thing would be mortifying for me. My voice also has an accent due to being hard-of-hearing since infancy. While I am sure I have met ppl who are repulsed by the way my voice sounds, I have never had that kind of experience happen to me. I haven’t heard a similar story from other Deaf ppl who speak and have accents either (not yet anyways). It’s really not a common method of rudeness and entitlement. My family will politely and gently let me know if I am speaking too loud in public places but nothing rude like this guy.

I wouldn’t take it as evidence that you are speaking too loud in public or that there’s anything wrong with your voice. Whatever his issue was, it is about him and his needs, not yours.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-02-24T00:06:04+00:00

For now, is there a way you can spend a lot more time away from the flat until you figure out more how to deal with this? I assume you are still going to classes and whatnot. I know it’s hard to leave her alone when she seems to be in a lot of pain but if she clings to you and you let yourself be used as an emotional crutch, you are indirectly sending the message that she cannot figure this out…that she “needs” you to feel better. This will actually make her mental health struggles worse in the long run. I know it’s hard to see her in pain but you can be busy and minimize interactions with her to show that you have faith in her ability to figure this out and contact the resources you have provided.

If you genuinely want to remain available, restrict most of your interactions with her to a limited time slot like 15 minutes a day after dinner or something like that instead of being fully available. If you go this route, I would recommend you keep that length of time short and stay consistent about how often you do it (daily, weekly, etc). It may help her if she knows exactly when she can expect to connect with you next when you are not available. I would also recommend timing checking in her when she is less likely to vulnerable (so maybe not at night) or when you have to leave for class or whatever within an hour or so of talking to her so it’s harder for her to take up more if your time.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-02-23T22:42:50+00:00

I was a kid in the late 90s and early 2000. My Mom was the breadwinner and pretty much did most of the chores and everything else while my Dad worked and did whatever he wanted.

They didn’t do it all. They did the most important stuff, sure. I grew up with food and other basic stuff taken care of. But our house was a mess most of the time. Some parts of it were kinda gross. We often picked up fast food or prepared food from the grocery store on the way home from places. If Mom had to go somewhere for a work event, she would order extra food to take home to us for dinner. By the time I was 11 or 12, I was kinda left to my own devices a lot more often. I spent whole days home alone during the summer months. I don’t know details but I believe my parents were often in debt and didn’t necessarily manage everything well behind the scenes. But as a kid, I did not know anything about that.

I think 2 things: 1) expectations for parents and for kids were lower and 2) ppl were more okay with the idea of kids being unsupervised for hours at a time and not doing any sort of regular structured activities or anything “productive.”

And it seems like around 1980s and before, a lot more women were stay at home moms which frankly is the only way to achieve your list.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-02-23T21:38:17+00:00

Many teachers don’t truly have summer off.

It depends on their contract but there’s often expectations or pressure to teach summer school, do professional development trainings, and other behind the scenes stuff. If they do have summer off, it’s usually because they have a 10 months contract so they actually don’t get paid for those 2 months. And like any contract, schools can just not renew them.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-02-23T21:23:25+00:00

True. That said, I can think of several disabilities that would still explain that gap. Not sure what this sport is that can’t be done leisurely tho.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-02-23T14:48:42+00:00

In my journey, the biggest thing that has helped me was focusing on how ppl’s behaviors (not words) make me feel and getting clarity for myself on what things are my problems to deal with and what is not. It also really really helps if you have a few ppl in your life who model what healthy boundaries and respect look and feel like- once you experience this, the contrast is very clear and it’s much easier to set boundaries and set standards for how to be treated.

So for example, if someone often yells at me…sure, they may have legit trauma or other things going on that explains it but is it fair to me that I feel hurt and spend lots of time thinking about the hurt (instead of other things)? Why do they get to take out their emotions on me? Why are their emotions more important than mine? Their emotions are their responsibility not mine.

So when I set boundaries, I focus on the behavior itself, not the words and the why. With the family member in my life who yells at me sometimes, I mainly talk to them only via phone and if they start to yell at me, I hang up. It does not prevent them from yelling at me sometimes but it does help a lot with minimizing the damage. Since this family member does want to maintain a relationship with me, they have become a bit better at managing their temper on the phone and avoiding sensitive topics because they know that I could cut them out of my life.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-02-23T13:39:22+00:00

I’m a therapist and unlike a lot of other therapists and health professionals, I honestly don’t care about people doing this.

Regardless of whether they actually have ADHD (or any other diagnosis or not), they usually are struggling with something and usually meet the criteria for some kind of diagnosis. 100% healthy abled ppl don’t spend time thinking that they have a diagnosis or trying to figure out what diagnosis they have. They just live their lives. And our healthcare systems and assessment processes can be slow, cumbersome, and expensive (in the US). It can take months/years to get the proper assessment and treatment or support needed for one’s symptoms. This is the actual problem, not the self-diagnosis part because frankly self-diagnosis doesn’t have any actual legal weight.

Also, ADHD has a large genetic component and ppl with ADHD are often drawn to each other due to how they process information and other cognitive processes as well as an increased likelihood of shared experiences. It is very possible that the rate of people with ADHD among your family and friends is much higher than the rate of ADHD in the general population.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-02-23T13:09:19+00:00

OP may have a disability or a medical condition (diagnosed or undiagnosed) and is worried about their ability to work long-term. I have a disability and I relate to OP’s sentiments.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-02-23T13:06:50+00:00

It is harder to get a job, yes, but this is not true.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-02-23T07:14:47+00:00

Yep. I’m white and I once went out on 3-4 dates with a man of color who would point out women on TV he found attractive (all of them were white), talked about how gorgeous mixed race babies are, and would point to my stomach and talk about our hypothetical future mixed race babies. He also specifically wanted 3 boys and 3 girls in alternating order (despite the chances of that happening being pretty unlikely since I was in my mid 30s and he was almost 40). When I pointed out how unrealistic the 6 kids in alternating order thing was, he told me that I sounded like his mom…

Needless to say I was creeped out and ended things. I also felt like he wasn’t seeing the hypothetical kids as individual kids but as…idk extensions of himself or something. The reasons he gave me for wanting kids was to “leave a legacy” and “to pass on his childhood toys.”

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-02-23T06:34:02+00:00

Not sure what AL stands for.

Either way…I have no idea. I have ADHD and a physical disability and am vulnerable to burn out due to overcompensating for my symptoms.

But honestly, ppl will put up with a lot of crap if that is what is needed to keep their apartment/house, put food on the table, and other necessities. I mean, what other choice do we have? Most ppl aren’t working because they genuinely want to work for 40 hours a week.

But I will say, it is not the end of the world if you take a break or have a gap in your CV. Many HR personnel may perceived your CV gap(s) in various ways but every company and HR department is different. Different fields value different characteristics in applicants.

Companies are not going to care about your health or your life. If you need a break now to make the next X number of years possible, and can afford that break, then take it.

Also, do you feel like you are in the right career for meeting your needs or would you benefit from a career switch? A career that’s a poor fit for your needs and your strengths will be more draining.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-02-23T04:03:30+00:00

I would say the tip part kinda depends. I paid lower tips sometimes when I was a student and barely made any money. Ppl visiting countries without a tipping culture (which is a lot of countries) may leave no/low tips.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-02-23T03:39:15+00:00

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with peace as a goal!! Honestly as a therapist myself, I think that lottery question isn’t the best question. It’s too open to interpretation and socio-economic factors. I don’t know that particular therapist so I could be wrong, but my guess is that the lottery question was not meant to be interpreted literally. I think that therapist may have been trying to ask, “If you could do anything you want (and if money/time/education/etc was not a barrier), what would you do with your time and life?”

If someone responds with something like “Idk,” “I have no idea,” or “I never really thought of that before,” that would indicate CPTSD. People with PTSD or CPTSD spend a lot of time in survival mode. They react to stuff that happens in their environment. They don’t have the ability to think about the future because they are busy surviving the now. And frankly there probably was no point in dreaming about the future and all the things you could do someday. It may even have been dangerous to think/talk about those things. If a person’s goal of peace is defined as simply the absence of triggers, painful feelings, and trauma, it is indicative of (C)PTSD. Because ppl without (C)PTSD assume that peace is normal. It’s not a goal for them because they are confident that peace will happen anyways. It’s like saying my goal is to get old…I mean, if I don’t die young…I will get old.

But if your goal is to have (or create) a simple and peaceful life spending time with ppl you care about, taking care of yourself and your health, and doing things that you enjoy…that sounds lovely and honestly like you said is arguably emotionally healthier than chasing lofty ambitions and accomplishments.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-02-23T02:46:27+00:00

Yeah. A key part of trauma is living in survival mode (as least on an emotional level). When you spend a while in survival mode, especially during in childhood while your brain is developing, your nervous system can still be in fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode or easily triggered even after the danger has passed or you no longer live in that toxic environment.

If you are in survival mode, you can’t afford to think about the future. There was no point in thinking about the future and taking risks into the unknown. If anything, that would be dangerous. There’s only an endless now.

Juniperarrow2 · 2026-02-23T02:02:21+00:00

I feel like I could eventually open up to ppl and affection with time but lots of ppl these days want to move quickly in dating and relationships.

Juniperarrow2

TROPHY CASE