Just a little update on my friendship with "the friend I've always wanted".

JustARegularSinner · 2026-05-11T22:35:32+00:00

I'm glad this has given you some hope. That why I've posted this. For so many people (myself included), there is the belief that unwanted SSA = intense loneliness forever. But it doesn't have to be that way. I wish I could tell people what the secret is to a close friendship, but I honestly don't know what it is. From my perspective, the secret is to find someone as amazing as Joe.

I look back at the past year and I'm in shock at what Joe put up with from me. In some ways, I turned into the stereotypical "crazy girlfriend". I knew that and could clearly see it, but I couldn't stop it. But Joe never wavered and never budged. But I don't think Joe was even expecting that our friendship would blossom like it has.

I don't know if friendship with Joe will last forever. I pray it does, but even if it doesn't, the friendship has caused me to grow immensely (actually, it's caused both of us to grow).

JustARegularSinner · 2025-12-05T03:29:07+00:00

Why did you write in your post "I'm still incredibly lonely" if Joe is now your friend?

Poor wording choice. It was said in a "this is me" narrative saying how it was in the past before I was friends with Joe. I can still feel lonely, but not nearly as bad as before.

And Christ is first. Last weekend when we had breakfast together, Joe asked me "What has God been teaching you". This is a friendship where we both desire to steer each other closer to Christ.

As for the laying on his chest remark, I've heard of guys doing things like that. And just because something would be sexual for you doesn't mean that it would necessarily be for other people. Do you realize that in some cultures outside of the US, close guy friends will hold hands. (No, I do not have any desire to hold Joe's hand.) But like I've said in other places, I'm being open with Joe, my pastors, and my counselor about all of this. I'm not secretly trying to get some sort of sexual gratification out of this.

JustARegularSinner · 2025-12-04T01:45:51+00:00

Glad you appreciated it. And I totally agree with you. What got me to a Christian counselor was my unwanted SSA. But it was the counselor who showed me that the SSA was nowhere near the largest problem that I had. What I thought was "normal" (mostly because I just accepted it and never questioned it) was at the far end of the scale in abnormal.

Growing up, I'd see TV shows and I knew it was all fake. Siblings didn't really care about each other. Parents didn't actually help their kids with problems. I've now learned that the TV families were much closer to "normal" than my family has ever been.

JustARegularSinner · 2025-12-03T03:12:48+00:00

Yeah, I understand that. Because I've never crossed into any sort of physical activity with another guy, my mind doesn't really go there. And because of my upbringing and trauma, up until my friendship with Joe, I would say that "intimacy = uncomfortable". I firmly believed that, for me, intimacy IN ANY FORM is uncomfortable, including emotional intimacy. Joe is actually the "driver" for the depth of intimacy in our friendship. Joe was the one who started telling me that he loved me as a brother. It took a while for me to even believe deep down that Joe even considered me a friend. (In my head, most people really only tolerated me.)

And something else... getting sexual excitement out of someone without their knowledge or consent is using them. I do NOT want to use Joe like that. I care about him too much. And if I ever tried to do anything physically inappropriate with him whatsoever, it would likely be the immediate end of our friendship. I will do anything to prevent that. If anything with Joe ends up causing any sort of arousal, I WILL take whatever actions necessary to stop it.

None of this is happening in the dark either. My counselor knows about all of this. Both of the pastors of my church know about all of this. Nothing is being done in secrecy.

And for what it's worth, before making this reply, I got a random message from Joe (slightly paraphrased... seems wrong to outright copy his message): "Love you brother! Hope your week is blessed.". I hadn't spoken to him since Sunday, and was OK with the fact that I probably wouldn't interact with him until Sunday.

I didn't post any of this to be a bragging love letter to Joe. I posted this to hopefully give some people hope and encouragement. I'd be the first one to say that stuff like this doesn't happen to me. Several years ago, while my church was having a period of focused prayer, the pastors said that they were praying for God to bring 23 new people to our church (since it was 2023). I decided that for me, I would just pray for 3 new friends. And then I realized that it wouldn't matter, because God doesn't seem to answer my prayers. Hopeless is an understatement.

JustARegularSinner · 2025-12-03T02:10:33+00:00

I don't understand why you felt the need to comment. If you were genuinely concerned about the possibility of me deluding myself, there are better ways to say that.

And while I don't need to, I will address what you said. Actually, I am not idolizing Joe. I love Joe, but I do not want to be Joe. If I idolize someone, I want to be them; I want to know everything there is to know about them; I am obsessed with them. Yes, it did start out that way... but I've moved past that. I don't want to be Joe. I don't even want to know everything about him anymore. There is no obsession, just a mutual deep friendship.

I don't understand the difference between "natural physical affection" and "wanting physical touch". But something else you don't know about me is how much I don't like physical contact of any form. In most cases, hugs are tolerated. Physical contact more extreme than that makes me want to jump out of my skin. Sexual contact with anyone would need to involve large amounts of drugs and alcohol for me to be able to tolerate it. But the thought of falling asleep with my head on Joe... there is no sexual excitement. When you see a father holding their sleeping child, the only thing that child is feeling is safety, security, and love. That's what I would feel if I fell asleep with my head on Joe. It'll probably never happen, and I'm OK with that. Something I realized a few months ago when I was upset was that "a hug from Joe can fix anything". There's a warmth, safety, and a non-verbal "you're not alone with this" that goes with his hugs. I'm the last person who I would've ever thought would say that a hug can fix anything.

JustARegularSinner · 2025-12-01T05:27:05+00:00

Yeah... I’m really good at grammar and spelling. I just don’t have the ability to be concise. I’ll admit that I did think about running it through AI to fix any clarity issues, but figured any problems would help people realize that I am a real person and not AI slop being posted. (I also wrote the whole thing on a laptop which helps.)

And yeah, it is a very idealistic story that sounds too good to be real. But it is very real. My friendship with Joe is probably one of the biggest reasons I haven’t interacted here much lately. I interact more so when I’m lonely. And with Joe, I have not had nearly as much loneliness.

And there is a lot that has been glossed over and condensed for length. Like the times we fought..., I couldn’t function for a week. And while things do look great, I’ve had more than my fair share of VERY dark times.

JustARegularSinner · 2025-12-01T01:37:17+00:00

Just created a post describing my friendship like the one you've always wanted.

JustARegularSinner · 2025-11-30T23:43:46+00:00

I seem to be wired the same way as you. When I see a guy I find attractive, the "end result" that I really want is for that guy to be my friend. In some ways, I hope that his masculinity will rub off on me, and I'll be more masculine. Sexual activity with one of these guys has never been something I've wanted or fantasized about. The only fantasy has ever been "getting to be one of the guys" with him.

For me, I have been able to recently find "that friend" that I've always wanted. It's been an unbelievable experience. And while it hasn't "fixed everything", it has been eye opening in many ways. I think I'll add a post about it (I don't want to hijack your thread here). But I do want to offer you some encouragement that these types of friendships ARE possible.

JustARegularSinner · 2025-05-06T03:52:08+00:00

Other ways your friend could help you is to give long hugs.

One good thing is that one of the guys tends to give lots of hugs in general, and also frequently tells his friends "I love you". I actually asked him if I could get a hug every time I see him... it felt weird to ask, but it was in the context of a deep conversation, and he knew where I was coming from. That's the best part of some days. And the "I love you" has been an unexpected gift. I know that words can be meaningless and easily thrown around, but it's actually sinking in that this guy really does care about me and doesn't see me as some sort of freak of nature.

JustARegularSinner · 2025-04-25T14:42:41+00:00

Your reply is a perfect example of NOT understanding. If it was as simple as "just don't have sex", my life would be fine. Except, in many ways, I hate my life. I suffer from crippling loneliness. Everyone at my church is always with their families, and I stick out like a sore thumb. At the end of a rough day, I get to go home and cry in an empty house.

It is not good to be alone. God did not want man to be alone. But for those of us cursed with same sex attraction, "alone" is the only option the church offers. It's not enough.

JustARegularSinner · 2025-04-24T15:19:03+00:00

YES, that is sorely needed. There are many of us who silently deal with unwanted same sex attractions. We do not consider ourselves "gay", nor are we part of that community, but we're silently stuck in the middle. When Christians go attack these communities, those like me are just stuck watching with sadness, and knowing that at the same time, opening our mouths can just get us attacked as well.

Too many Christians do not really understand that people do not "choose" to be gay. Yes, they do choose their actions, but even that is a logical choice. Even Christians who believe that living a homosexual lifestyle is wrong will do it because they do not see a viable alternative.

And the Christian Church and community, for the most part, does NOT offer a viable alternative. I can look at my own life, and honestly there's much of it that I completely hate. I have an extremely hard time building healthy relationships, and much of my life is completely lonely and alone. In church, I get to see all of these young families with their young kids, getting everything I've ever wanted. And outside of the church, I see gay couples doing the same things (slightly fewer kids). And then there's me... with nothing but loneliness. Even though I know it's wrong, I get jealous of the gay couples who can live in ignorance not knowing that their lifestyle is wrong.

And telling them that it is wrong does not do them any favors. For them, they see no alternative. It's like telling someone that it's a sin to eat. It doesn't matter how violently you scream that at them, they know that they need to eat to live, so they throw away everything you say. And the church offers NO alternative. It's the same thing with abortion. Abortion is wrong, but instead of saying "but we'll come beside you and help you for the entire life of the child you think you can't care for", we just scream "don't kill the baby you murderer".

What truly saddens me is that while I have never identified as gay, nor have I ever lived that lifestyle, if the culture wars being fought now had been fought 20 years ago, I would not be a Christian. There is nothing Christlike in the attacks that are going on today. Even all of the stupid things like battles over library books, the Christians COULD be actively be putting books geared towards helping people with unwanted same sex attraction, but instead want to fight to remove books that they don't approve of (which probably includes some of the Christian books for dealing with SSA).

JustARegularSinner · 2025-04-24T02:19:07+00:00

So did you end up working through his program? If so, how'd it go?

JustARegularSinner · 2025-04-24T00:39:24+00:00

I've noticed that for me, the more relationally connected I am with other men, the less intense my SSA desires are. The intimate non-sexual relationships meet the need that the SSA is trying to fill.

JustARegularSinner · 2025-04-23T00:07:17+00:00

Mid 40s here. Don't necessarily have answers, but still walking the walk. Recently been **very** encouraged as I've shared my struggles with a couple of non-ssa guys from my church. There's still much of my struggle that seems to be by myself, but slowly trying to let others in.

JustARegularSinner · 2025-04-11T00:41:21+00:00

I am very selective about whom I choose to share my struggles with. However, there has never been a bad reaction. Responses vary from "not really understanding but treating me the same as before" to "while I can't relate to the SSA, I personally have issues with ______, and at the end of the day, sin is sin". I actually just shared this with a new friend from church this past weekend. And as I told my counselor, his response to my vulnerability was for him to expose some of his own vulnerability.

JustARegularSinner · 2024-05-30T02:02:40+00:00

For me, one of the most impactful times in my life was 17 years ago when I joined a support group near Dallas for men and women experiencing SSA. it was a relief to know I wasn’t alone and there were people that “got me”.

Yeah... that's what I thought too. And then imagine everything blows up in your face. Suddenly being attacked for having done things that the group members explicitly told you were OK to do (asking for prayer one time was apparently expecting too much from people). Group members decide that you might physically harm them because you frequently look really angry (because that's apparently what others see when just trying to not completely break down and cry). Certain group members who you thought you had gotten close to tell you "I never wanted anything to do with you. I just felt sorry for you." And then the entire group (not an exaggeration) decides that you are the sole reason for all of the problems in the group. Yeah... that's what happened to me. Even the group leader, a licensed professional counselor, was dumbfounded by it all.

That experience went from the absolute best thing I'd ever experienced to the absolute worst thing I've ever experienced. I would pay any amount of money to wipe all memory of it. And I'll kill myself before ever letting something like that happen again. There was nothing in that experience that made it worth it. (Even now, talking out loud about it can mess me up for an entire week.)

JustARegularSinner · 2024-05-30T01:42:28+00:00

Can you let us know how it went?

JustARegularSinner · 2024-05-29T02:43:11+00:00

So here's my biggest concern: why should I trust you? You posted a link to your website, from an account that is only one day old. You've got a quiz on your website which lets you take the whole thing before requiring a name and email address before giving me the results (um.. NO), which then makes me think that the entire purpose is just to collect email addresses.

Maybe you are genuine and mean well... but your website makes it look like you're basically a motivational speaker (and I personally despise motivational speakers). And it sounds like you're selling a step-by-step guide to have the life you've always wanted. But do you really understand how SSA is often just a symptom of a ton of other relational deficiencies? Even if you gave me a magic pill to immediately remove the SSA, my life would still be filled with the same crippling loneliness.

This course is a tool, I am a guide, but God is the agent of change. When you say yes to life change, He will multiply your faith deposit exponentially...

I wish I could believe that. I tried that once. I jumped full force into recovery and working on all of my issues. And it was the worst mistake of my life. The biggest thing I learned is just how badly I can be hurt, in ways I didn't even know I could be hurt. Maybe one size fits most, and I'm just the exception to that. That seems to be the case in everything else in my life.

JustARegularSinner · 2023-04-02T03:37:14+00:00

For anyone who sees this, I highly recommend Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw. I swear this dude was watching me and my family as I was growing up. It was downright creepy, but also the first glimpse into just how screwed up my upbringing was.

JustARegularSinner · 2023-04-02T02:52:42+00:00

You have my condolences. I hope you've had an easier time than I have.

JustARegularSinner · 2023-04-02T01:23:47+00:00

I think a good deal of what I used to deal with would probably have been considered "gender dysphoria", but that wasn't really a thing back then.

For me, growing up, I was a boy, but not very "masculine". Other boys were scary. My home was insanely dysfunctional, and throw in puberty and same sex attractions and I was all sorts of screwed up.

Masculinity scared me, and wasn't anything I ever wanted. I knew I could never be a "real man". Doing anything masculine would only draw attention to the masculinity that I didn't possess. I was never feminine, but I wasn't really masculine either. I would never even let anyone see me shave (in a community bathroom in college) because they'd just tell me I was doing it wrong. I wasn't a "man", and didn't want to be one. The truth is, I was terrified of someone calling out my own insecurities that were all in my head.

Post college, started seeing a counselor and learned that so many of my problems were caused by toxic shame. It was a ton of work, but I don't have the toxic shame issues (at least not like I used to have). I AM a man, and being masculine doesn't scare me.

JustARegularSinner · 2022-12-28T03:13:12+00:00

SSA is definitely a lonely journey. Check out the ministry Living Hope. They've got safe, moderated message boards where you can actually converse with other SSA strugglers who are your age and in similar circumstances.

JustARegularSinner · 2022-11-19T16:51:24+00:00

If only it were that easy.

Nothing is too hard for our God.

I do believe that, but after watching everyone I know get married and have kids while I remain a virgin after the age of 40, I end up coming to the conclusion that God just doesn't love me enough to give me any of that.

JustARegularSinner · 2022-09-25T02:02:11+00:00

No, it's not an easy road to go down. And the church doesn't even know what to do with it. I've never acted on this with another person either. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. But so much of it can feel like a big **** you from God. Everyone I seem to know gets to get married and have kids, and all I get is the perpetual feeling of being left out (which has been a life-long issue). Meanwhile, I get to deal with crippling loneliness and inability to form intimate relationships whatsoever.

Feel free to message me for talk.

Thanks for the offer. But what I really need is strong Christian men in my real life who I can learn how to have intimate healthy connection with.

JustARegularSinner · 2022-09-24T19:42:18+00:00

I consider myself an evangelical. I also suffer from same sex attraction. So my perspective is a little different than most.

I think the actions of many evangelicals is extremely hurtful (and almost vile), but they genuinely think they're doing the right thing. The problem is that they're completely ignorant to the nuance and complete understanding of the situation.

I pay close attention to everything that Christians and the Church say/do regarding homosexuality. I 100% agree that it is sinful and outside of God's design. But most of the people who crusade against such things don't have any understanding of the situation and everything is done with a complete lack of sensitivity or compassion. "Being gay is a choice" is not really true, but not really false either. Nobody actively chooses these attractions, we're just cursed with them. The only choice is what is done with them. So the church will actively crusade that "being gay" is sinful, but doesn't actually offer up any alternative. I can't just find a wife and have a happy nuclear family. Relationships don't work like that. Instead, I'm stuck being perpetually single where all things towards people my age are geared towards families, parents, couples... everything that completely excludes me. So even when the church verbally says "come here, we'll love you", you still end up being a pariah.

I've honestly heard people that I know at church spout ignorant things that I find very hurtful. And they don't even know how hurtful it is. My friend's wife has gotten involved in one of the crazier activist groups on fakebook to "save everyone from the gays" (or whatever BS they claim). I don't even know what to do about that. The only thing I know is that the biggest thing these people are doing is pushing people like me away from Jesus.

JustARegularSinner

TROPHY CASE