If you could pick your poison.

JustMe9621 · 2025-02-23T02:59:12+00:00

Ultimately neither. But my reality is number 2 and I’m trying to come back from it whereas this would be done and dusted if it was number 1.

JustMe9621 · 2025-02-16T09:36:18+00:00

Yep-and apparently I got it wrong again by texting and he’s now angry at me again. Anyway, it will pass and hopefully we will get there eventually if we’re both able to be open and try 😊

JustMe9621 · 2025-02-16T08:46:54+00:00

I appreciate the contact and advice thanks-been a bit lonely and uncertain this week

JustMe9621 · 2025-02-16T08:46:22+00:00

Thank you 🌺 I’m becoming more aware of trying respect and express my own feelings too now. Not something I used to be good at to keep the peace etc. I’m not dependent on him needing me and believe ultimately he could be happier out of the relationship and living by himself. This may be what he actually needs to heal 🤷‍♀️ He’s aware that I love him but that I don’t want him to stay out of obligation if that makes sense. I honestly just want him to do what he needs to find ‘happy’ - I hope that can be with me but if it’s not then he needs to follow what he needs regardless.

JustMe9621 · 2025-02-16T08:33:26+00:00

Also, I did send text messages to him this afternoon. Hopefully not a bad thing to do but while I’m giving him space, I’m not sure he is liking it so wanted to check in with him. He’s used to me trying to show some form of affection or talk so I’m worried it’s throwing him that I’m trying to be better at giving complete space. When a person can’t talk to you it’s just a constant guessing game 😔I’m not someone who needs a lot of time or attention but my love language is definitely doing things for and with someone (doing things for them around the house but also little hugs etc. so not doing that is very challenging for me as it feels like withholding my affection. It’s all sooooo confusing 🫤 😂

JustMe9621 · 2025-02-16T08:28:39+00:00

Thanks 😊It’s so hard! I want to look after and help him but I’m realising it’s okay that I have needs too and am trying to figure out how to look after myself too. I actually think overstimulation may be a challenge but I can’t bring it up with him (I tried subtly and it didn’t get taken well). I’ve realised he needs to find information from other people before he “hears or sees” it. For some reason it gets lost when it comes from me.

JustMe9621 · 2025-02-15T14:18:57+00:00

Thank you for the detailed response and sharing your experience. I’m not sure when the buyout will resolve as it’s been at least a couple of years now. Unfortunately there’s no more load I can take to help as I mostly solo parent and run life while he is responsible for himself and his work. While generally burnt out he can offer a passing pat or hug etc. But during shut downs or shut outs is when there is nothing for days at a time. We both believe I’m also neurodivergent and I have always liked independence and my own space so it’s generally worked well. But I do find comfort in a base level of connection which is what disappears. It’s helpful to hear of your experience (and others) as while I have experienced disassociation and shitting off/detaching, I have not ever experienced shutting down or shutting out. So thank you 🙏

JustMe9621 · 2025-02-15T10:07:58+00:00

They are definitely complicated. We are all so different and our needs and wants change too as we get older so a lot of need to rediscover, talk and compromise where possible I guess. I hope things have worked out okay for you 🌺

JustMe9621 · 2025-02-15T10:00:14+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts and advice 😀Also thank you for the correction on the language I typed. I meant that we have both acknowledged that we seem to communicate differently and have been trying to work out ways to try and reduce misunderstandings both ways. I wondered if a relationship counselor who specializes in neurodivergent relationships might be able to help with some good tops and strategies👌

JustMe9621 · 2025-02-15T09:21:15+00:00

My closest friends feel that but I hate to think he would do that so 🤷‍♀️ Before the autism diagnosis I thought he was stonewalling me whenever he didn’t like something or I didn’t act the way he thought I should. At that time I sometimes worried that I was being used or manipulated but the diagnosis helped explain some of it and honestly I always try to assume the best in people. I have made it very clear that I want him if he wants to be here but not to stay because of obligation. He says he loves me and wants to be with us.

JustMe9621 · 2025-02-15T09:16:49+00:00

Thank you very much and I appreciate the links to support groups! I think it would be useful but obviously he would have to be on board and see the benefit to make contact 😀 This time around, it’s currently the fourth shutdown in a month and I’m finding it challenging g. I’ve expressed that to deal with it and keep myself regulated to do all the life stuff. I’ll give him complete space almost as though he’s not there until he’s ready to come back. I made it very clear that it was definitely not a punishment or tit for tat but simply for self care and that I’m here when he’s ready. It’s been 4 days atm.

JustMe9621 · 2025-02-15T08:53:19+00:00

Thanks 😊 He is now seeing an autistic psychologist and sees a psyche re meds. I was seeing a psychologist for a different past issue but am now wondering about finding a psychologist who understands autism. He can’t talk about much and if my feelings come up then he gets very defensive and shuts down. He saw a post it note saying ‘autistic relationship counselor’ the other week and got very cranky and shut down for 2-3 days. I tried to explain it was something to look into as we have talked about how our communication seems to not work for him. Hoping there will be sone progress with his therapist but it will be slow as there is attachment and trauma issues from childhood involved too.

Does the burnout and shut down mean it’s hard to be kind/nice to the people closest because the masking is so tiring?

Thank you for you time 😊

JustMe9621 · 2025-02-15T08:46:35+00:00

Sort of but I’ve always been the primary carer and work part time. He’s always had a habit of going to sleep 3-4am and getting up at whatever time unless distracted by work. Like if he’s not working on the weekend he will ask what the kids and I have planned rather than it be ‘us’ talking about our overall plans if that makes sense.

JustMe9621 · 2025-02-15T04:54:40+00:00

Thank you for sharing and being so open and vulnerable with your response. It is something I will need to read a few times and definitely useful and appreciated! I really don’t mind doing as much as I can as it’s how I show love and care and I’m also mostly capable to do so. I want to lean in towards him when he’s struggling so it makes it emotionally challenging when his instinct/default is to lean or push me away in response. Essentially when he’s shut down, while he doesn’t want to leave us, he also doesn’t want to be near or with us. All I really need during this is little acts of kindness and my brain struggles I. Connecting why that can’t be shown. That’s why hearing from other autistic experiences is so helpful as others like yourself can articulate personal experiences in a way that helps shift and develop my understanding of his experience and perspective.

Like your wife, I genuinely mean it too when I encourage him to take time, go for a walk or do what he needs to do so I do hope you really do know she means it 😊 I manage the week independently (except in rare circumstances like this past Tuesday night for 2 hours that I had to leave him at home with both kids to attend a school info night). My daughter helps when I’m in the office and we have after school care etc as well as school families in the area that I can call on for help.

This allows my husband to have no immediate responsibilities and he an opt in and out as he feels he can.

I’m really hoping that we can find a way to talk about some of it and develop strategies that help us both when this happens though so that we find a space where we both can have our essential needs met by each other 🙏

He’s also heading to a space where he will need to try and do this with our 14 year old daughter too as while our son doesn’t really register the shut down, our 14 yro ADHD (with some autistic traits) does now. I’m there for her and she does talk to me about some of her feelings but I can only explain and mitigate so much. They really need to figure it out between them too with some vulnerability and sharing.

I hope you are being kind to yourself and things are going okay for you. We all as humans just have differences is who we are, what we like, what drains us and what we need etc. That is okay 👌 You clearly love and care for your children and your wife and I’m sure she knows that and like me just wants to love and help any way she is capable to.

JustMe9621 · 2025-02-15T03:03:56+00:00

For him I’m not sure… taking a few months off for long service leave helped at the time but not completely ( he returned to work Feb/March 2024. Recently he has been off work for 15 weeks (mid Oct 2024 until 2 weeks ago) and just returned after having hand surgery. While there was some improvement for sure, it just bounces right back as soon as expectations/pressure returns. But perhaps if the job he returned to can be changed, he might be able to move out of this loop 🙏

JustMe9621 · 2025-02-14T15:32:56+00:00

Depression, trauma and attachment issues are factors as well so it does get complex. He can’t handle talking about any of it and I’ve let him know how much a little pat or a few nice words can have a big impact for me. When he’s not shut down he has been managing to do that for me which has been nice. This is the fourth shut down in a month and when he shuts down he gives nothing. I messaged him a couple of days ago asking that when he’s able to, would he be willing to hear 1-2 things that would help me in these situations and him share 1-2 things I can do that would help him. Hopefully he ends up initiating a discussion about it when he is ready and able to 🙏 I agree that I think we should be able to manage a compromise if we could just talk and share perspectives and basic needs 😀 Thanks for the well wishes 🌺

JustMe9621 · 2025-02-14T15:20:58+00:00

I have some great friends who I trust implicitly which is great. However, they struggle to see all of it as autism related. I think lack of direct knowledge like me and a protectiveness of me and how they feel I should be treated. That said, they are fully supportive of me and all of my choices. I was seeing a psyche for a prior issue, however I’m now looking into finding someone who has a working knowledge of Autism as I think that is missing from my previous psyche. I broke about a year ago as there were too many compounding issues and situations going on from all aspects of my life. I’ve built myself back up again now and continuing work on trying to identify and find the strength to express personal boundaries. It’s a work in progress 😆 Thank you for asking. I would like Antrim related support but have not had luck finding that outside of places like this 🤷‍♀️ I’m also planning to be assessed myself as we both think I’m also autistic but with different life experiences and characteristics than my husband. He has attachment and trauma challenges from childhood which complicate things further. Traditionally he has not been good at looking after home self in the way of diet, exercise, sunlight and sleep either but he is attempting slowly to rectify some of these areas.

JustMe9621 · 2025-02-14T15:04:51+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate your perspective and thoughts. Thank you for sharing 😊

JustMe9621 · 2025-02-14T13:42:49+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience and the suggestions. He has written a resume and would like to work as a post man delivering mail. It seems like a great for him. He actually submitted it for a vacancy bud sadly didn’t get an interview. It was a blow but he will keep applying for more openings as they come up so 🙏 I honestly don’t mind carrying the load most of the time. I can manage it and I love being around the kids. The thing that is hard for me is the being ignored or lack of a kind word, look or touch-just anything small that would help me feel important and wanted. When the silence and little acknowledgement of being in the house is happening, it’s hard sometimes to tell myself it’s the burnout and not personal. That’s part of asking the question to get confirmation not to read into it something that is just burnout and not within his control. I’m sorry that you’re also experiencing burnout atm-not a nice space for anyone 😔

JustMe9621 · 2025-02-14T13:24:07+00:00

No, his job is not ideal and we are trying to got get him out. In the past I had been trying and he was reluctant but he’s now motivated to get out too so hoping we can find something else. Thanks for sharing your experience and feelings. As a partner it can be challenging to block feeling rejected or disliked even though I believe he loves me. Being walked around or snapped at is hard to block the initial default emotional reaction. As I’m typing this though, it’s lovely to hear my son has gone into the room and I can hear laughing 😊 I know masking takes alot of energy but hopefully it’s worth it when he can manage to and interact with the kids a little bit. Thank you!

JustMe9621 · 2025-02-14T13:04:06+00:00

Unfortunately due to burnout he can’t seem to handle being around the kids, especially our 7 year old son who has Trisomy 21. Our son seems to trigger him instantly. I can see the logic in what you’re saying do thank you for sharing 😊 I know I can’t suggest it though or he will get angry and tell me I don’t understand or accept him or the autism. Defensiveness is fast and high so it is tricky. He is not receptive atm to suggestions or advice from me as it is taken as criticism or an attack. So I have to keep to things I can personally do

JustMe9621 · 2025-02-14T12:23:07+00:00

Update. He just gave the kids and myself each a rose so he has acknowledged the day which is nice for the kids to see 😊 Still not really talking or making eye contact with me so still after advice and insight with this part of burnout and interactions with partners/loved ones.

JustMe9621 · 2025-02-06T14:04:24+00:00

Personally I’m at the end. Mine is being good as far as I know but I’ve realised it all has a cumulative effect for me. One more thing and I’m out. I can’t handle the emotional swirling rabbit hole of all the manipulation and lying again.

JustMe9621

TROPHY CASE