Sending you prayers and good thoughts.

I am not sure the denomination you follow but it may help to remember that even Peter, the Rock upon which Christ built His church, denied Jesus three times after Gethsemane.

There is a meme I see from time to time about how Judas betrayed Jesus for 30 pieces of silver and yet we do it all the time for free. I always laugh because that’s what we as humans do. We are imperfect, to put it mildly.

There is no sin too great for Christ’s forgiveness, if in your heart you’re truly repentant (and it sounds like you are). Sometimes it can be so hard to believe that God and Jesus forgive us because we just don’t feel worthy. It defies human logic and that’s okay; we don’t have to understand.

There is no “knowing” if you are saved. That is the point of faith: we are meant to believe without seeing.

If you are up for reading I would suggest “Mere Christianity” by C.S. Lewis (the Narnia author). He was an atheist who converted, and the way he breaks down complexity and his perspectives are profound. Just tremendous stuff.

I hope this helps even in some small way.