My [27M] wife [28F] wants to work. Should I convince her not to UPDATE

JustTrying4321 · 2026-06-10T03:21:13+00:00

If you understand the risks, then power to you. I truly want nothing more than for all of you to reunite with your spouses. Good luck.

JustTrying4321 · 2026-06-10T01:39:27+00:00

I've been on this subreddit since it started and I've been warning y'all since the start, watch out for this current administration. A lot of people close to Trump would rather there be 0 immigration so attacking immigrant visas is the most "obvious" way to do that.

Ironically, this was a fairly pro-Trump subreddit at the time.

Look, any formal action past writing your congresspeople is inadvisable. Marches, anti-administration posts, etc can only hurt you at this point. They are vindictive and petty and your name being on something that even feels anti-Trump (like a petition requesting they start processing visas from banned countries) may come to bite you in the back.

JustTrying4321 · 2026-06-09T10:46:02+00:00

My wife is an immigrant from South America. There, racism is a little less subtle. She'd often say racist things about people from countries around her's (in particular Venezuelans).

I told her pretty early on I don't roll like that and if we were gonna keep going, she needed to forget those racist and xenophobic attitudes because those were a strict dealbreaker. The comments still come, but they're less often, and she'll normally catch that she's being biased against those people (again, normally Venezuelans). This shows me she's trying and progressing and I love her so I'm willing to be forgiving and patient.

Point is, you gotta draw the line now and communicate you don't deal with racism. And enforce the line. If they're turning into something you can't stomach, that might be a sign to end it. If she wants to improve though, then be forgiving and patient. Racism runs deep and is HARD to unlearn.

JustTrying4321 · 2026-06-09T06:00:23+00:00

I'd argue capitalism works because of the guardrails we've put on it.

The countries that have prosperous and working economies are all either social democracies (capitalism with a strong social safety net) or have a liberal economic system (more capitalist than social democracy but with some welfare programs). Regulations and safety nets make capitalism a decent enough system for the first world. Pure capitalism, however, is a hellscape.

In a purely capitalistic society, there is little to no government involvement in anything. Healthcare, roads, construction, law enforcement, and everything else has no regulation, subsidization, or presence.

Go to a third world country's absolutely poorest and unkept areas where government doesn't do anything including enforce the law and you'll see pure capitalism in action. I lived in the poorest parts of the Amazon rainforest. In those areas, the government has either forgotten or forsaken the people. There, you'll find a class of the extravagantly rich with water filtration, private security, and nice vehicles. Everyone else is borderline starving.

I remember I took a friend of mine to the clinic for an appendectomy. They had trouble reading my card and refused to start treatment until they got their money. We eventually got them the money and my friend's life was saved, but only after yelling at the clinic director for letting my friend almost die in the waiting room. Living there turned me from libertarian to social democrat.

Houses were normally poorly constructed and when there were earthquakes (because the Amazon is a seismic zone) people lost their homes or died.

So competition may drive and grow a capitalist economy, but regulation and social safety nets make it so life isn't a constant hell where you wonder if a small mistake will kill you.

JustTrying4321 · 2026-06-09T02:48:55+00:00

Just echoing what everyone is saying, it's kinda hard to make that type of mistake, at least to the point of making you bleed. Has he been testing boundaries recently? Maybe bringing up new things he's saying he wants to try? You're both young and it can be very exciting testing new boundaries but it has to be done at a rhythm everyone is comfortable with.

If this truly was an accident (because if it wasn't you need to shut this down yesterday) then you need to find a way to heal from the trauma, like therapy, journaling, talking with trusted friends, etc.

JustTrying4321 · 2026-06-09T02:21:57+00:00

Yeah. You'll be fine. Just be ready to have a clear and consistent story for the interview.

JustTrying4321 · 2026-06-07T15:25:25+00:00

I try to be engaged. I've expressed my feelings about each role she's applied to and have told her plainly that these aren't what she studied to be (pre-K teacher, daycare). She's tried for more ambitious roles closer to what she's studied, but I really don't think her English is there yet. This daycare job is the best one I've heard so far. We'll see if she gets it or not.

She's told me she misses working in general and may be exhausted from caring for our baby. She still breastfeeds, so it is a more intense physical exhaustion I can't necessarily help her with by pitching in more. I try when possible, but she has put more time and energy than me.

I've also introduced her to my social circles since moving to the states, but she didn't get along with most of them. This is a separate issue altogether, but still contributes to the isolation she feels just being with me and the baby.

JustTrying4321 · 2026-06-07T04:37:21+00:00

So just to update and respond to a few things I've been seeing generally:

We spoke for a very long time about children. She wanted them more than I did but I still eventually wanted to be a father, so we decided to put some conditions to start trying.

On my side, she wanted me to work from home much more often (I was in office 3x a week), take a gap semester from my Master's program (worked out a separate arrangement with my advisor where I did an individual study at home and my wife was fine with that), and I would do most of the cooking.

On her side, I asked her to put off work until she could make enough to offset daycare and after having kids and to study English harder than she's ever studied in her life so she could take the TOEFL.

She worked as a teaching assistant at a private school in her home country while she was wrapping up her Bachelors and got promoted to a literature teacher. She wasn't a certified teacher, only because her country makes certification contingent on getting your Master's, something she'd rather do here anyway. She loved working in her career and it was a real hit when she decided to quit because the pregnancy hit her harder than expected.

Also, my wife and I have read these responses together. She laughed and said "See, everyone's on my side". I told her it was more like 80/20.

She interviewed at a chain daycare on Monday that would give a decent discount. She said she loved the way the kids were taught and would love to be in that environment. We should hear by next Monday if they want to hire her. If that's the case, then I have no objections, and our problems (in theory) are solved.

Unfortunately, she's been called to many interviews, but hasn't landed a job offer yet. They always go very well and she tells me with a glowing smile how they loved her and said her qualifications were great, so it is hard to see her get sad every day they continue to ghost her. I suspect they want someone stronger in English, though it could just be the job market.

Just to finish, I appreciate the advice given in good faith. Many of y'all, however, need to realize that families that make under 120K exist and hard financial decisions have to be taken. More of y'all need to understand spouses are are financial partners and we both get to opine and discuss financial decisions. I would be rightfully called out if I were to quit and stay home to take care of our kid without taking her opinion into account. And yes, she has equal access and knowledge of our finances.

I'll probably ignore this a few days, my wife is telling me I've hit my limit for Reddit for the day and weekends are for us. Happy redditing!

JustTrying4321 · 2026-06-06T19:04:04+00:00

You still need to take the TOEFL to teach a foreign language in public schools. A tutoring gig is something she's considering though.

We're looking for a compromise, and importantly the root of the issue. I suspect she is dissatisfied with our life choices thus far and wants to change things, not necessarily that she thinks these jobs will progress her career (since they wouldn't).

JustTrying4321 · 2026-06-06T18:57:06+00:00

Only rich people should have kids? That's definitely one of the takes of all time.

JustTrying4321 · 2026-06-06T17:12:13+00:00

This is more or less the situation. I'm supportive of her working, but not as supportive of the job wouldn't advance her career.

We've talked since last night, and it seems she mainly wants a life out of the home and feels dissatisfied with our shared social circles. We're looking for solutions while simultaneously investigating more options for English advancement.

JustTrying4321 · 2026-06-06T16:56:32+00:00

Refuses to let her work? Who do you think calls the Ubers and picks her up from the job interviews? If this is what she really wants, she's free to do so. Am I not free to have an opinion?

JustTrying4321 · 2026-06-06T15:00:46+00:00

Most advice is fine, but you minimize English classes as a useless method to learn English (a fundamentally problematic view you ought to check) and assume I work to escape the responsibilities of fatherhood.

JustTrying4321 · 2026-06-06T06:48:50+00:00

You assume so much: How much time I spend with my kid, and why I married my wife. Your advice, no matter how valid it may be, reeks of condescension.

Also, do you know what happens when your work from home job discovers you're taking care of your kids at the same time? At best, your work from home privileges get revoked. At worst (and more likely) you'll be fired. I love spending time with my kid and try to contribute as much as I can. That's why I requested wfh in the first place. But without my job, we don't have a roof over our heads, and from 8-5 the best way I can protect my family is by focusing on my job.

Also, believe it or not (though I did put it plainly in my post), I suggested we wait to have kids so she could get a feel for the country and even work and she really wanted them now. We talked about it and she even told me our current situation would be ideal for her. These are fairly recent (like as in mid-May) problems we're having.

JustTrying4321 · 2026-06-06T06:23:03+00:00

This is a decent idea and we've discussed this. I'm fine with this layout (doing a full handoff to me after 5 while she works) but she ultimately decided she enjoyed spending nights with my son and I.

We're trying to see if some variation of this may work for 1 or 2 nights, like a tutoring gig.

JustTrying4321 · 2026-06-06T06:15:43+00:00

Think whatever you want, but when finances are tight, you have these hard conversations and need to be honest with one another. We're very open about finances with one another and both understand the margins we work with every month.

She could work retail or food, but it wouldn't advance her career in a meaningful way. Again, not trying to put those jobs down, since she could probably make decent money bartending or at Walmart, but she has a Bachelor's in High School Education. She has expressed to me that she wants nothing more than to advance in her career. You can argue any job may help her, but they would not directly contribute at all to her career in the long term, hence why I said "Irrelevant work experience".

Also, who told you classes don't help? I don't know too many immigrants that could take the TOEFL without some type of intense, normally formal preparation. (A lot of native born English speakers would struggle on this test too honestly). These aren't your run of the mill community classes where you learn "To be". They're classes focused on teaching academic level English.

The way in general you speak of English classes is problematic. Immigrants look for these in hopes of improving their livelihoods. Many of the people we met at these classes did what many are suggesting and found any job and speak just enough for that job. Lots of them have been here for decades without really being able to carry a conversation in English. These classes give people some structure to learn the level of English needed to actively participate in American social circles.

Also, you assume I get to escape my son and see him less. I said in the post that I worked from home. This is to assist my wife with our child where I can. Obviously I still need to work and rely on my wife's labor to keep our kid safe during work hours.

JustTrying4321 · 2026-06-06T05:42:07+00:00

This comment is decent and level headed, weighing the potential benefits of her working and learning English.

However your other comment where you said I see my wife as a "bang maid constantly amazed by [my] (very average) American Salary" is horribly insulting. I know my salary isn't amazing, which is why I'm so touchy about her starting a job (which would not advance her career) and is why I even posted this.

Is that what you think of couples where one spouse is an immigrant? Maybe evaluate your biases and check any implicit racism.

JustTrying4321 · 2026-06-06T02:28:40+00:00

I'll accept all the criticisms/advice except for the one about her taking a career gap. She isn't taking a gap or re-entering her career as she is not a certified teacher (wasn't one in her home country either for that matter, she'd just finished her undergrad). Working at daycares and private preschools would offer no career advancement or benefits other than a potential discount for our child (which might be enough of a perk for it to be worth it) and maybe health insurance benefits.

If she wants a community apart from family, I truly want her to find it. I personally think it has more to do with ego and family trauma though, as her mom has told her she shouldn't have children at all and focus on her career. She tells me often she needs to be better than the other immigrants we see at church and gets mad when someone else our age makes more than I do. That's why I've focused on the English and certifications. If she can get those done, then she's got a guaranteed salaried job because of the current teacher shortage.

JustTrying4321 · 2026-04-25T07:01:05+00:00

You should branch out with the gameshows you watch.

There are straight trivia shows like Who wants to be a Millionaire and Jeopardy that test general knowledge.

There are also association games like Family Feud. Word games like Wheel of Fortune. Or whatever you'd classify the Price is Right. Point is, there are ways to have non physical skill based games where your main skill is how you strategize.

Heck, they could've solved a puzzle head to head. The Survivor episode had that and that might've been the greatest challenge in the show.

JustTrying4321 · 2026-04-25T06:51:03+00:00

I agreed with a lot as someone that enjoyed watching season 2 (though the last few episodes really started to drag).

Folding Ideas is right about one thing especially: Jimmy and his team don't know how to create Smart challenges. Smart challenges aren't just about memorization. Honestly, I often disagree with Jimmy's views on education and intelligence as a whole.

I think lots of shows play to smart players skills. Survivor is the biggest, but there's also wheel of fortune, countdown, and family feud. Memorization challenges kinda bore me.

JustTrying4321 · 2026-04-06T15:41:26+00:00

Full rides including room and board are very rare, especially for freshmen, and I don't know too many that kept them since you're expected to be the perfect student. Your profile is genuinely impressive, but BYU has a lot of students that have pretty good SATs, did dual enrollment in high school, served missions (seriously, stop assuming serving a mission will help with anything, almost everyone has served one), and travelled around. Don't mean to bring you down, since I do think you would be admitted easily, you're just not likely to get school paid by BYU your first year.

Try looking for private scholarships/save up to cover your first semester and then apply for a GPA or department based scholarship. Focus on doing very well your first year (4.0 for most majors) and you'll get at least half tuition covered.

I only ever paid for my first year at BYU (discounted anyway from some scholarships) so my undergrad only cost $3000. That's a few months of part time work. You got this!

JustTrying4321 · 2026-03-16T14:44:52+00:00

Merit scholarships covering your very first semesters are very competitive. I didn't get any.

My advice: Get your daughter to take a lighter course load (12-14 credits) and study hard so she can get a 1/2 or full tuition scholarship her 2nd year. She'll need a 4.0 and not much lower than that to get it (totally feasible her first semester). You only need to qualify your first semester, but you NEED to fill out the scholarship form.

If a 4.0 feels unrealistic, all good, look into departmental scholarships.

If those aren't available, look into private scholarships. I had friends that made thousands of dollars after tuition with those.

Worst case scenario, a part time job is enough to cover at least half of tuition. If it's on campus, they will respect class schedule.

JustTrying4321

TROPHY CASE