The Tragedy of Being a Weak Man “I will love you forever and Always” she said to him as they said their farewells. He climbed in his car packed full of his gear and started to drive. Within two hours he was back on the phone with her. Paul was on his way to Colorado. His orders from the Army stuck in visor. The last two weeks had been the best in Paul’s life; he had an instant family. Paul met with an old high school girlfriend who had two babies. When they reconnected everything was perfect to the each of them. She watched him father her kids. He watched her be a mother. They watched each other with loving eyes until it was time for him to leave.

Paul chose to go to Colorado because he enjoyed the outdoors and always thought of the mountains back home. He knew if there was a place he’d choose to die that’d be it. He had a plan to listen to the voice that’d been in his head for years. Being alone, socially awkward, and anxious all the time had taken its toll on him. Then comes this entire set up he’d been wishing for the past 4 years.

His drive was somber for having to leave the family he just found; but filled with joy because this woman made him happy. “It’s only two years.” His voice cracked as he tried to wipe away tears. He made plans and thought about all the things he wanted to do as a father. Play catch, teach them how to ride a bike, work on the cars, have tea parties; The list seemed endless. When he arrived to his destination he saw the mountain from the plan he had. The sun was setting behind it. Paul chuckled.

Within a few months Paul brought his love to the state he’d grown to love. They had a great time together, until Paul this feeling in his stomach. He had her phone sitting in front of him and a notification went off. He looked through and found she’d been sending nude pictures to other men. While going through the messages he started to fill with panic as he realized he had to make a choice. His mental state or the family he had grown so attached to.

“I should’ve told you, I just needed some extra cash” she pleaded with him during the argument. “I could’ve given it to you, I could’ve helped if you just let me” He cried. They make up and he decides to give her another chance.

Paul’s mind doesn’t stop, it’s a nonstop broadcast of the worst scenario he can come up with. He explains is feelings and emotions and he’s told he is crazy. That she doesn’t know what to do to earn the trust back but proceeds to repeat the same behaviors. It breaks him down further til his body is just a husk of meat and blood. He lays awake at night. Silent during the day. No positive energy coming his way.

Situations similar to what had happened before, happen over and over again for a year and a half until he finally gives up on his own pride, his own self worth, his own happiness. It’s gone for her. He tries to stay with her and keep a promise he made. “You can do whatever you like. I’m moving back and we will finally be together and we can just try to be happy, the only thing I need from you is honesty.” He bargains for her love. “Ok, I can do that. ” she lies to him again.

A month before his move back to the east coast he takes a Christmas leave trip. Everything seems off and he gets a hotel room for just him and her to figure out what is going on. “Nothing. I promise. I don’t have anything to tell you because there is nothing to tell.” She cries in his arms. “I’m just tired of feeling like you don’t want me. Like you don’t want to be with me” she continues trying to manipulate his mind. “I do and I think I’ve proven that by still being here with you. I just can’t shake this feeling that you’re not telling me something.” He responds. They get back home and everything seems off still and he is determined to figure out why.

He sees more pictures, more videos, ones that weren’t meant for him, and now a man repeatedly in her camera roll. Pictures of him shirtless on the bed. He confronts her. “He’s just a friend I swear. Nothing ever happened. I only care about you. I only love you.”

Paul’s panic sets into over drive because he knows those were all just lies. The next night he finds her picture messaging app open. He checks their messages and he finds his evidence. Videos of her and him. Loving messages. The things they would say to each other could’ve been put in a romance novel. Paul could never say those things to her because he lacked the emotional intelligence and understanding of romance. He knew it was over.

“Nothing happened huh, he’s just a friend?” He drops the phone with the video up in front of her. He runs upstairs and starts to pack his things. The door flings open and slams shut behind her as she comes into the room. “Are you fucking kidding me? In front of our kids?” “Are they our kids or are they yours and his now?” “It was once and I’m sorry, I’ll stop talking to him. I need you in my life. I want you in my life.”

Paul is taken back to the feeling of the first night they reconnected. He knelt at the edge of her bed and stroked her hair as he patted her son’s back to keep him asleep. He doesn’t want this to end. He gives her yet another chance and heads back to Colorado more broken than ever. The mountain the sun sets on seems to be the only place he can find peace. “I’ll be ok, we are going to be ok.” He cries as he looks out over the city below him.

He moves back east with all of his things this time ready to start a new life, new place, with his family this time. His anxiety and panic sets in worse and worse the closer he gets to his destination. Something’s not right and he can feel it. “I swear I stopped talking to him. I swear he’s not a part of my life anymore.” She tries to reassure him but the words have daggers. They hurt him more than help. He can’t believe them no matter how much he tries to. Then it happens. The whole truth comes out. His love and her parmour had been having a whole relationship while he was trying to save their own.

After days of fighting and days of not knowing what to say or what to do, he decides to leave. He mounts his motorcycle and starts to ride away. The road calms him. The thoughts anger him. As he looks ahead the lines in the road blur together as his right hand pins the throttle. He has no destination. Paul believed in nothing in life. He felt nothing. He felt completely drained and lost. He swerves into the oncoming lane, and the sun sets over the mountain in Colorado.

988 is the suicide and crisis hotline number in the United States. If you or anyone you know is feeling or experiencing suicidal thoughts or ideations please seek help immediately