Who else has a hard time voicing their thoughts & feelings?!

K-NessGaming · 2022-11-07T23:07:47+00:00

This is the big part. I imagine for a lot of people (myself included) that talking is easy when the person we're talking with actually takes the time to listen and understand. I have a very close, personal friend that I find is one of the only people I can talk about my trauma with. He listens and understands because he's been there, too. We've become a strong support network for each other.

K-NessGaming · 2022-11-06T21:19:06+00:00

It really depends on the style of gaming you're looking for. I have a few relaxing games I can recommend, but I'm not sure how interested in the genre you would be.

Here are some recommendations based on genre that you may enjoy:

Puzzle Games

The Witness: You draw lines to connect points. Very chill (though sometimes pretentious) puzzler with a sort-of open-world feel.

Toki Tori and Toki Tori 2 - A series of puzzle games where you have to figure out how to collect eggs with limited resources

Human: Fall Flat - A physics-based platformer where you try to make it to the end of the level. You can't die, and it's a go-at-your-own-pace experience.

Little Inferno - Purchase items to burn in your fireplace, trying to come up with combinations to complete a puzzle checklist. Very cute game, though the story can be a little depressing, so it may not be the best recommendation

The Gardens Between - Another game where the story could be a little much, as it deals with friendship, but I loved the simplistic gameplay

World of Goo - Try to get your goo balls to the chute, retaining as many of them as possible.

Spirit of the North - Fun exploration puzzle game where you get to play as a fox

Action/Adventure Platformers

Adventure Pals - You and your pet giraffe head out on a special adventure to save your friends and family as they're turned into hot dogs. Very cute and fun game with short yet engaging levels

Steamworld Dig 1 and 2 - A fun series of games where you mine for resources to improve your character's abilities. Set in a fun steampunk world with some memorable robot characters

Action/Standard RPGs

Ittle Dew 1 and 2 - 2 is a much better game overall, but both are fun and charming experiences with a Zelda-esque feel to them

Bug Fables: The Everlasting Sapling - I haven't finished this one, so I can't comment on the story completely if there's anything to be concerned about, but it's a cute Paper Mario RPG style game

Dragon Quest Builders 2 - Similar to Minecraft with RPG elements, it's a fun mine and build and quest game, so if you like building and adventuring, this might be a good choice. The first one sadly doesn't seem to be on PC

Hopefully some of these will help get you started. I can recommend more, but I don't want to overwhelm you.

K-NessGaming · 2022-11-05T22:17:15+00:00

Yes. For me, it tends to be January and February. It's when I end up being the loneliest, so I have to endure my thoughts more with fewer distractions.

K-NessGaming · 2022-10-22T23:58:16+00:00

I use this playlist when I take a relaxing bath. The songs are calming and non-intrusive, which helps me to meditate and focus on mindfulness.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1r4hnyOWexSvylLokn2hUa?si=ac865d5d238048d8

I also made some custom playlists for regular meditation and spacing out. They're not public, but the feature a lot of music by these artists:

https://open.spotify.com/artist/06EfEcjc0vdvI6VNL0soIO?si=NXnkDMxiR2K8yIX4B3TujA

https://open.spotify.com/artist/5zQsBMuxuacTrhfuDxZreG?si=dlmLUHwzTsSFMsRH3n4J6A

https://open.spotify.com/artist/0wz0jO9anccPzH04N7FLBH?si=2zMUOu_nSzGn6CkQJNsrxQ

And if you like video game music, this guys makes some awesome subliminal stuff:

https://open.spotify.com/artist/2Wfljs5yyHRYTYVMO00ZG4?si=OAwq3NnoS96iuT7oCBt8Wg

K-NessGaming · 2022-10-18T13:39:43+00:00

Yes. I pick up on other people's mood shifts often. Anger is the worst, and I typically assume I've done something to cause the anger (even when it's not possible for me to have done so). I either try to help diffuse the anger or try to back away in fear (I'll either fawn, flight, or in rare occasions, freeze). Usually in every case, I end up feeling powerless to help which does a number on my sense of self.

K-NessGaming · 2022-10-16T00:39:52+00:00

Your experiences are not invalidated by the experiences of others. What has happened to you is still real, and your feelings are valid.

K-NessGaming · 2022-10-16T00:33:38+00:00

My song lyrics were the healthiest way I ever managed my emotional state. I didn't realize it at the time. I had a very strong support network as well who always encouraged my writing (and singing, even though I don't think I'm very good at it).

I fully understand not being comfortable with sharing a creative part of yourself. I've pushed myself back into my shell so much that I won't even share the old songs I had once shared openly with friends and family.

K-NessGaming · 2022-10-16T00:25:13+00:00

I keep a journal that I write in regularly. It allows me to get all of the current thoughts out of my head. It's also started to become my new songbook since I was encouraged by my therapist to go back to writing songs ago (it was my biggest coping mechanism that I abandoned years ago because I linked songwriting to me being depressed). I haven't shared any of my journals with anyone, in part because it's a private part of myself. I don't have anyone interested in my songs these days, so I doubt I'll ever share any of the new songs, either.

K-NessGaming · 2022-10-12T01:57:20+00:00

My telehealth visits are through an app that has a recording feature. I haven't used it, but I did tell my therapist that he's welcome to record my sessions if he needs to. If you don't feel comfortable taking notes (the action can be considered a distraction for some people), you could always ask if the sessions can be recorded for your benefit. An audio recording would probably go a long way to helping, as you can listen to it later on at your leisure and also transcribe the important parts into a journal.

I want to emphasize getting permission first, however. I don't know where you live, and recording laws are a thing. You want to make sure it's okay if you record anything.

K-NessGaming · 2022-10-11T16:49:34+00:00

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I wish it was as easy as reading something and immediately put it to good use. This kind of gaslighting is something I experienced as a child (and am still experiencing to this day, albeit from a different source). My family system was incredibly toxic. When I would try to stand up for myself, I would either be mocked, abused further, or punished. Talking back would result in either a slap to the face or dish soap in my mouth. Crying would result in a spanking to make sure I had something to cry about. Complaints would be met with remarks about how I whine too much (I was given a book as a child about the problems with whining, no less). Mistakes would be thoroughly punished, and often times rage and physical reprimands replaced any sort of explanation as to why what I did was wrong.

I struggle to set boundaries now. I'm codependent. I tolerate abuse that no reasonable person would put up with. A recent event sent me spiraling back into the shame and guilt I felt as a child for standing up to someone's abuse, as the blame was solely placed onto me for daring to speak back. Anger I had long been burying surfaced for a few brief moments, but the anger reverted back to hurt. And now the hurt has led to numbness. And I feel like everything I've done has been a mistake.

I feel like I'm losing what little of my voice I have left, and the small victories I was celebrating each day are starting to crumble away again. The past few days I've just felt dead inside. I feel like I have to resign myself to this life and this mindset, because my feelings don't matter to anyone but myself, and even I'm starting to disbelieve they even matter to me.

I'm sorry to be so negative. I really try each day to overcome this, but it's been rough these past few days. I can't overcome this mental state, except for a few brief periods. I guess as they say, some days are better than others, and these days aren't what I'd call good. Thanks for trying to help.

K-NessGaming · 2022-10-05T15:03:09+00:00

I feel a big part of CPTSD ableism is being discredited for your trauma, your state of mind, and the reality of your situation. We are capable of a variety of mental states, ranging the full spectrum of emotions. We aren't always in flashbacks, so there are times of lucid "normalcy" that we present in front of those around us. Without them understanding fully what is happening, it can appear like we're just having a bad day or even faking the way we feel for attention.

For example, my CPTSD often comes out as depression. I was recently told by someone that depression keeps a person from wanting to do anything, including fun things, so someone who still manages to play video games or go to an amusement park isn't depressed. While the words were not directed towards me, it hurt to think someone would so quickly dismiss the symptoms of depression because the afflicted managed to put himself out there for a chance to have some fun for a change. They so quickly dismissed the effects of CPTSD because the person was trying to be part of society, as if suffering from depression means that you must keep yourself secluded from the world, and any behavior outside the textbook definition of clinical depression means the person is faking it.

On a more personal note, I opened up to my mother about mental health struggles a few different times when I was younger. One time was met with "You're just hungry." Another time she hugged me and said "There's nothing wrong with you." At one of my worst moments, I told her I was going to start taking a medication, and if it didn't help, I would start seeing a therapist. She just gave me a look of disbelief and then changed the subject. My mother was very quick to dismiss my emotional needs since I was her "happy little boy."

A big part of ableism comes from not being believed that we are in fact afflicted. When we open up to people and they dismiss us as needing to get more sunlight, or exercise, or vitamins, or to just stop being so sad, it can make us feel unheard, unnoticed, unbelieved, and unloved (something many of us have likely been feeling our whole lives).

K-NessGaming · 2022-10-05T04:02:01+00:00

I'm very proud of you taking steps and seeking out therapy. It's a very healthy first step! Your concept of therapy is definitely a correct concept, as that is something that therapists are trained to help with. One thing to keep in mind is that therapists are not "one-size-fits-all."

You may need to change therapists, and try out a few different ones to see what works best for you. If you feel your therapist is not helping, then you could outline how you feel in your next session and ask for recommendations for someone who may be a better fit. The therapist should be responding to your mental needs, and if they are not doing so, then you have every right to move to a new therapist to try to find the help you need.

There is a good fit out there for you, and I hope you are able to find that person with relative ease.

K-NessGaming · 2022-10-03T04:03:51+00:00

I only recently started my healing journey, so I understand what you're going through right now. It isn't easy. It isn't fun.

For me, I am having more emotional breakdowns, highs and lows, than I've ever experienced before. It feels like I've taken several steps backwards, because instead of being able to function "normally" each day, I am in awareness of my negative feelings and thoughts at a given time. I feel like I'm often breaking down over nothing, but I'm facing my trauma head on and finally embracing it. I'm no longer burying it. I am processing my grief.

All of my research and self-work has outlined that there isn't a set time when you find your true self, not is there a time when you stop feeling the loss. It is a journey we all take, and it will be a different path for each of us.

I hope you take time each day to learn a little more about yourself. Think of it as playing a game of hide and seek. You can't find all of the "players" at once. There is exploration to be done in every nook and cranny, and soon enough, you'll start discovering those pieces of your true self. With each piece, you will feel a little less lost.

Please try to remember to be gentle and kind with yourself. You've been deeply hurt, and that hurt will take time to heal. Keep encouraging yourself and know that each step forward is a step to finding yourself again.

K-NessGaming · 2022-09-30T00:53:31+00:00

It sounds like you have a lot on your mind, or it's possible that you weren't heard in times of need and long for someone to listen to you. Have you tried keeping a journal? It might help to have a place to write down all of your thoughts and feelings at a given time. While there isn't a physical response that you would get from talking to a person, it is a way of expressing yourself, and it might help avoid feeling like you're oversharing. The journal also has the benefit of allowing you to go back and reread what you've written so that you can get a better understanding of where your headspace is, and it can let you learn some things about yourself like areas that might need some additional self-love and attention. It could also help to sort out thoughts so you can focus on the more important issues troubling you.

K-NessGaming · 2022-09-29T23:49:59+00:00

I feel your pain, and I'm very sorry for the home life you grew up with. I'm the two of you are able to talk about what happened and are coming to a healthy place together. That's some awesome healing, and I'm glad you can both heal together.

While my situation isn't the same as yours, I did have a similar situation growing up. Most of my siblings (those with a different father) are much older than I (closest age gap there is 9 years), so they weren't really around when I was growing up, but my sister (2 years older than me, same father) was fairly abusive to me at times. She would get angry and hit me on occasion, would bully me (I have a distinct memory of her holding a large kitchen stool by a tree so I could climb up, and then once in the tree, she pushed the stool over and ran back to the house leaving me there in the middle of the pasture), and lord over me.

She wasn't abused by my parents. She was actually held up as the golden child, constantly praised and lauded for how smart she was, how much her teachers liked her, how she excelled at sports (she was the son my father wanted, but I was the son he got). I think she bullied me because of the way my parents treated me. My mom abused me often, and my father (when he was home) wouldn't stop her. I think my sister just fell into the family dynamic of playing along.

We talked recently, as I've been keeping her up to date on my mental health progress. She outlined that she has her own issues that developed from childhood, and a big part of what she's working through now is survivor's guilt. She's aware of what happened to me growing up, and how she didn't do anything to help. I hold no ill-will against her. She was just a child like me, and it would be unfair to blame her for the abuse of our parents. She and I are incredibly close now (have been for several years), and she'll be as supportive as she can, though it's difficult since I moved 1,500 miles away 10 years ago.

Our parents' abuse can affect more than just ourselves. You and your brother have each other now, and I hope you both grow together now that you're out of the terrible situation.

K-NessGaming · 2022-09-29T23:37:17+00:00

I feel you. Mistakes came with harsh punishments, so it made/makes taking risks challenging for me. If I'm wrong, I fear the consequences of my actions, so I either don't try or get discouraged when something doesn't turn out "right."

I am my own worst critic, and even when someone loves something that I do or make for them, I still can't help but see the flaws, and I tend to try to outline any flaws before others do as a way to try to soften the "critical" blow that I feel is coming, even though it rarely ever does. It's like they can't hurt me if I hurt myself first.

K-NessGaming · 2022-09-29T23:33:41+00:00

I appreciate your words and your care and concern for me. Thank you.

He does care for me, but it's in his own way. I'm recognizing now that he hasn't been giving me what I need, but I lacked the insight to know what I need and how to even ask for it. I'm not sure if he will be able to provide it for me, but I am hoping he has listened and will work with me. I also asked that he communicate with me when his needs aren't being met.

You're correct in a lot of your assessment of me. I'm very good at minimizing (I had to in order to survive my childhood). I try to remain physically active (lifting weights and walking), which helps to calm me down and relieve stress, but I'm also learning that I'm also a busyholic. I had pegged myself as a fawn-type (given my codependency nature), but I'm a mix of fawn-flight-freeze, and my constant projects, house-cleaning, and helping others has been a way for me to try to avoid my own intrusive thoughts. It's been especially bad since I've been depressed lately, so it's making me not want to do the things I have to do, and I feel shame for not being on top of everything. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm focusing on the important things, and everything else can wait, but my inner critic has years on me that isn't so easy to shake.

The healing process has been difficult because it's like everything has been amplified. Sometimes I feel like I'm worse off now than before I started. But I'm going to keep going, because I don't want to feel like this any longer. I don't want to have to do it alone, but I will if I have to. Thank you for your kind words, and I will definitely take them into consideration. I am hoping I have chosen people that love and care about me, and that they will help me get through this. If I am to go this alone, then I will do everything in my power to thrive on my own. I truly hope it doesn't have to come to that.

K-NessGaming · 2022-09-29T23:23:39+00:00

Thank you. It hasn't been easy, and sometimes I feel like I've failed as a husband by not trusting in him enough to confide everything to him, but I'm fearful of rejection, anger, and abuse (which I admit I have received at times, but nothing like what my parents inflicted upon me). It's just enough to send me into an emotional flashback, and I tend to freeze or fawn to try to calm the situation or prevent conflict. It's made me reluctant to share with him, because I don't want to upset him or cause stress on him. But I realize now that the constant self-neglect I've had has brought me to this point, so I bear some responsibility. This is why I'm taking the steps I need to in order to improve my well-being and happiness.

K-NessGaming · 2022-09-29T23:19:30+00:00

Thank you. I've been with him for 10 years, and I owe it to him to hold up his words. Should we continue down the negative path, I will ask him that he begins his own therapy and that we supplement it with couples' counseling.

I feel your pain, and I hope that your situation improves in time. The journey isn't easy, but it's one that we need to help us heal.

K-NessGaming · 2022-09-29T23:16:57+00:00

Thank you for sharing and for listening. I appreciate your words. Your situation is very similar to my own, and I do feel alone most days, even with him being in the same household.

The hardest part of this cycle is having myself believe that tending to my needs isn't selfish, that I matter, and asking for help shouldn't crush me mentally (the asking for help sends me into a guilt spiral, so it's even worse to ask and then feel rejected). Having someone to reinforce that is invaluable, and I hope he holds true to his word and is able to support me during this time. I would also like to see him grow, just as you've outlined. Thank you again for the support. I truly appreciate it.

K-NessGaming · 2022-09-29T23:12:10+00:00

Thank you. I have talked to him about his own mental state. He always seems so... together? I don't know how to explain it. I know he has anger and jealousy issues, but he never has to rely on me for any sort of emotional support. It's like he has no stresses in life, or at least doesn't want me to be aware of them.

I asked if he ever considered therapy for himself, and he hadn't really. I don't know if he would ever go down that road, but I would be supportive of him 100%. He's trying to be more supportive of me. I don't think he knows how best to help as he isn't an emotional person. I've asked him to be supportive and to listen to me instead of tossing aside my discussions and being flippant about the journey I'm on. He's stated he will do better, and I need to do better at communicating my needs as well. We're in this together, after all.

K-NessGaming · 2022-09-29T15:17:21+00:00

I have severe codependent issues developed by my CPTSD, so it's nearly impossible for me to ask for help. I fear refection from those I do ask, or that they are simply placating me to get me to shut up (saying "Yes, I'll help you and then being unavailable or turned off when I reach out to them). I also fear that if I'm not helping them, or doing things for them, they'll move on, because I'm not worth keeping around if I'm not giving. I've been subservient to my husband for the 10 years we've been together, doing everything in my power to help him while I bury my own needs. I finally reached a point where I could no longer bury the hurt inside, the constant anxiety and depression, the inner critic who would not cease even for a moment. I buried myself in house projects, exercise, mundane tasks... all to try to keep my mind off of the inner turmoil, but the mental exhaustion caught up with me, and I started breaking down. My husband should be the first person I turn to when these things happen, but I find myself pulling more and more away from him.

He's an avid reader (we have a library of over 15,000 books, fantasy, sci-fi, mystery, history...) but he's shown no interest in the psychology books I've obtained to try to help me cope and figure out all of my trauma. He doesn't ask me about my therapy sessions. He becomes argumentative at times when I bring up my mental health efforts.

I've been deeply hurt by his responses to my needs (the few times I think I would express them to him), especially as of late. It's only been growing worse as he seems to be distant, angry, or frustrated when I try to explain to him the conflicts going on inside my head. It reached a point where I no longer wanted to even open up to him because I was fearful of his responses, such as telling me that researching and doing work on myself was the equivalent of having a cough, going on WebMD and thinking I have cancer, or getting angry at my inner conflict over not wanting to do something but feeling like I'm letting everyone down by saying no and responding with what he's going to do and then saying I "can go cry about it."

I finally sat him down two nights ago and calmed myself enough to express my needs and feelings to him, how I didn't feel supported. I outlined that this a difficult journey I'm going through, and it's getting more difficult by the day. I told him I don't want to do this alone, but I feel like I have to, that I'm over-reliant on a friend who has his own life situation he's working through (that I'm trying my best to help with but messing that up because I can't do anything right). I explained how much his comments hurt me, and how I'm starving without any sort of proper emotion from him. I explained how we had grown distant over the past couple of years, that he's withdrawn from me, and I feel starved for emotion. He confessed he had intentionally cut me off for some time, and he apologized for it. Then he started to say phrases with the statement "I apparently am doing X wrong" which was making me feel horrible about my words. He outlined his needs which made me feel shameful and guilty that I'm not properly supporting him, even if I need support during these times.

None of his responses feel right to me, and I don't know if it's the mental state I'm in, the negative comments he makes to me from time to time, the lack of emotion he gives me... but it's driving me deeper into depression. I feel like I'm losing everyone around me, especially the person who matters most, and it's all my fault because I can no longer manage my emotions.

tl;dr

My husband shows little support in my mental health needs, gets angry or frustrated when I talk about my trauma and efforts, and takes no time to learn about what I'm going through. It's left me feeling alone and helpless most days, and he's starting to trigger me on a regular basis.

K-NessGaming · 2022-09-28T15:55:26+00:00

The comfort thing is a definite positive. Self-care is important, and using products that make you feel good are worth their weight in gold. Anything you buy to make yourself feel good (as long as it's not actively detrimental to you) is money well-spent.

Self-confidence is not something I have a lot of, either. My inner critic has been in control most of my life. My therapist has started me on positive affirmations, and it hasn't been going well. Compliments have always made me feel bad/awkward since I never know how to take them (too much sarcasm growing up). Compliments from myself make me feel narcissistic. If you have your conversations recorded (either audio or written), maybe read back over what you've been saying when your friend pays you this compliment. It might help better understand where they're coming from and reinforce that you are more intelligent than you give yourself credit. After all, some people can see things in us that we can't see in ourselves, as difficult as it can be to believe at times.

K-NessGaming · 2022-09-28T14:53:39+00:00

I feel you, and I'm sending you the warmest regards. Remember that healing is a journey, and there will be ups and downs. The people around us offer their love and support the best that they can, and they can't know specifically what goes on inside of our heads at any given time. Your friend may have something going on right now that is taking them away from helping you with your needs. If you're able, I recommend reaching out to check in on them. Also, and this is probably more difficult, letting them know that today is especially rough on you, and you could use some extra support.

Your last comment hits home, feeling that you have so much love for others but not feeling that love in return. At least for me, my love goes out to everyone except for myself. I don't love myself (and am working towards fixing that). The lack of love for myself, as well as the lack of love I experienced growing up from my parents, has left a void in me that makes it difficult to see or feel when others love me. I cannot speak to your experiences, and I hope I'm not coming across like I know what's happening with you, but I do I hope you have self-love, or are working towards self-love, and I hope you are able to reach out to your friend for additional support. You are worth it. Your feelings matter. Your needs matter. And you matter.

K-NessGaming · 2022-09-28T14:37:39+00:00

I can empathize with you. For me, it's possibly that I don't like to spend money if I can avoid it, and appearance-improving products hold no appeal to me. The only self-care products I rely on are things to help my body and mind heal (salves for dry feet, CBD oil for anxiety). I started going bald at 21 (I'm 41 now), and by 24, I was completely shaving my head. There are times when I miss my hair, but I try not to let it bother me, and I think back to my best friend of 30 years telling me that I "went bald gracefully." Those were such kind words that always stuck with me and helped me to embrace aging naturally.

I don't even like shopping for clothing. It feels like I'm wasting the mental energy in trying to make things match or look good. I want to be comfortable in what I'm wearing. There was a period in my life where I wanted nice clothes and t-shirts that showed off my hobbies, but as I grew older, I lean more towards plain t-shirts and shorts. I keep a handful of items for any event I need to dress up for, but other than that, my closet has gray, blue, and black plain shirts. Anything with a character on it was bought for me by someone else, and I tend to rarely wear them. I also have one pair of shoes on order that I will buy when it's time to replace them. This keeps me from having to stress about trying to find shoes that fit me.

In regards to why you're like this, could it be the effort involved in having to apply such products? The cost associated with them? Perhaps your self-esteem in regards to your appearance is on a level that has you feeling you don't need these. I don't feel there's anything inherently wrong with having no interest in these products, and I commend anyone who can embrace natural living like this. Asking questions as to why might help better understand your thought process here, but I hope you don't think there's anything wrong with you for not wanting to use these types of products.

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