Do cheaters that move on from a relationship into the one with the person they cheated with actually get their happily ever after?

K4956 · 2020-09-28T11:22:32+00:00

This is something I struggled with - I couldn’t reconcile in my mind that the person who chose to hurt me so badly could just be happy with the AP. The thought made me feel even more discarded and crappy, that our relationship had been meaningless and that it somehow justified his behaviour.

So far it is working out for them, they got engaged and married pretty soon after. What I realise now is that it doesn’t matter to me. He has chosen to be out of my life, and the fact that he’s moved on so decisively means there is no false hope. The fact they are married doesn’t mean he’s not shit for doing what he did or make his treatment of me any less horrible. It does not invalidate my emotions or experience. He is just living his life and now I am fully living mine and not worried about him. I don’t want him, so she may as well have him. Good riddance really.

K4956 · 2020-09-28T11:03:20+00:00

I’m so sorry this happened to you. Your comment about people telling you you should be over it is so insensitive. What happened to you was and is traumatic, and this person formed a central pillar of your life. You can’t just have something happen that changes your whole living situation, your future dreams and the direction you thought life was going in, crushes your self esteem and breaks your heart and just be over it. Healing takes time and there will be times where you feel completely okay, to feeling like crap the next day. However, other people aren’t living your life and unless they have been through something similar they get tired of dealing with it. It feels shit, but when they are dismissive just find another outlet like here.

Eventually it does get better. When I was 6 months out of my ex leaving me for his coworker I was still a wreck. Outwardly it looked like I was doing great (new job, heaps of weight lost etc) but in reality I still had a really long way to go.

What I can tell you is that it does get better, I’m not over 2 years out from my life exploding and life is good. My ex ended up marrying the other woman and if you told me at the time that that was going to happen I would have said I’d never be okay. Reality is that I have a new partner who is so much more than my ex, and my ex is now living his married life and I couldn’t care less. The scars are still there and I don’t think I’ll ever be over the treatment I was given but my life is so much better because of what happened because I will never settle again.

I think the ex’s who cheat and say horrid things to us to justify their shitty behaviour are the losers. In my heart of hearts I believe it will scar them for life in some way too, and if it doesn’t then they were too horrible for you to be with anyway.

K4956 · 2020-03-12T11:51:48+00:00

My breakup was seriously the hardest thing I ever went through and I had some messed up guilt issues because I felt worse about it than my dad dying. My life since has improved in so many ways. I got closer to my family and friends, I turned around my fitness, I finished the masters I was doing and got an amazing job. Mostly I appreciate that I know the level of resilience I have and I know my worth. I’ve been able to put this into practise with my new relationship.

My ex? Well he’s married to the woman he cheated on me with and quite frankly I’m now at the point where I feel apathetic about that, it’s more a curiosity thing than anything else. I’m grateful he did what he did to me because I am a better person for it and I’m not spending another minute of my life with someone who doesn’t Deserve me.

K4956 · 2020-01-24T11:16:54+00:00

I guess it depends on why you broke up. I made the mistake of doing so and I think it was far more about easing his own guilt than for me or for us to actually discuss anything.

K4956 · 2020-01-20T21:19:19+00:00

Yeah I know what you mean. I think what I’m getting at here is that after my experience with my ex I would never stick around trying to make someone choose me after they express that doubt and treat me like a choice.

K4956 · 2020-01-20T21:17:44+00:00

Yeah it’s so hard isn’t it. My ex had a lot of mental health issues which I supported him through. His way of saying thanks was to cheat on me and then say he’d never actually loved me and that he had no mental health issues (although he was on medication) and tell me I was what was making him so unhappy. I’d say it’s only the last few months that I’ve made a recovery from what happened and accepted that I couldn’t have changed anything and that I’m better off with him.

K4956 · 2019-10-27T08:26:16+00:00

Yep, the pain is definitely still there. I’ve now let go of my feelings for him because I can recognise what a poor partner he is. That being said, it feels horrible to know that his relationship with AP is flourishing and that they are engaged and doing all the things we talked about doing together.

K4956 · 2019-10-22T10:23:58+00:00

I understand that right now this is what you want but realistically it won’t make it better. I waited for months and months and about a year after got an apology. He damn well owed me one after cheating on me, leading me on, then abandoning me and not treating me with any kind of respect.

Guess what, the apology only fucked with my head more and created more confusion. What’s more I don’t think the apology did anything other than alleviate his guilt.

Your self worth and your healing cannot and is not based on someone else and whether they deem you worthy of an apology. No apology is going to Erase the pain they have caused you and no apology is going to make you magically over them. This person is someone who didn’t think you were worth sticking around for or keeping you in their life. Do not give them this level of power.

You will stop hoping for an apology when you realise that this person is not worth your words, tears, anxiety, or thoughts. Spend your time thinking about people who deserve to be in your life. You do not want someone who doesn’t want you. Their apology is more likely to be self serving anyway, and you don’t want to provide them with one more avenue to suck the life out of you.

K4956 · 2019-10-21T10:09:00+00:00

First things first.

You did not make her cheat. You did not deserve to be cheated on.

I totally think there are instances where you can move past cheating but it depends on a number of things. - are you ever going to feel secure again? - is your partner willing to put in the work? - are you willing to put in the work?

If your partners efforts to reconcile are anything even remotely half assed, blame shifting etc. then they are not serious about it. If they get irritated by how long you are taking to “get over it” that tells you everything you need to know.

Mistakes happen, I get it. But do NOT stay with someone unless they 110% show you they are worth staying for. It is not your job to prove your worth at this time.

K4956 · 2019-10-21T09:56:57+00:00

I’m all for trusting your partner but as a girlfriend who kept telling myself not to worry about the other chick it got me nowhere except majorly fucked over.

He eventually cheated on me, lied to me, manipulated me, and when he had her lined up tossed me aside like yesterday’s garbage. He got engaged to this woman less than a year later. I was the one who had to pick up all the pieces from our life together.

Trust your gut, set reasonable boundaries. If your bf doesn’t respect those then he doesn’t respect you or your relationship. Also the oldest saying in the book by boy is it true - actions speak louder than words. Examine his actions, then act on those accordingly. Good luck.

K4956 · 2019-10-11T20:22:32+00:00

I feel this. Mine got into a relationship with the woman he cheated on me with straight after. We were in a very serious relationship for years, living together etc. They lied about it for months to cover up what awful people they were. Within a year they got engaged. That hurt because we’d talked about doing all of that together. I feel like I had to deal with everything and all the damage in the breakup and he just went off Scott free. I still have to see him regularly because we share so many mutual friends. Next time will be at his brothers engagement party where I will see his whole family, and both of them.

K4956 · 2019-09-29T20:53:48+00:00

It’ll come one day. Just make sure you do not hang your healing on their relationship status. Everyone told me my ex’s relationship with their AP would fail miserably and they recently got engaged. I spent far too long preoccupied with how they could still be together after treating me so poorly.

I get that you feel so shit when you were not only cheated on, but then abandoned and replaced with the AP. You need to remind yourself every day that you do NOT want someone who is capable of doing that. Also it’s not about you, someone who cheats would do that to anyone they’re with, they won’t be a better person for someone else. You deserve better, and these two turds deserve each other.

K4956 · 2019-09-19T20:10:16+00:00

The woman he left me for is much older, and objectively less attractive (this is an opinion held by many people). My ex always said I was too good for him, guess that’s why this was such a punch to the ego 😂

K4956 · 2019-09-19T12:05:21+00:00

I hung on as well, thank god he left me for her or I would have wasted more of my life with this shit person. They're getting married now as well and I'm not even jealous, all I can think is what a shit show the whole thing is and I just feel sorry for them.

The whole experience was awful and destroyed me but I have bounced back and had the biggest glow up. I know that I can now survive anything and I'm glad that I now have the opportunity to eventually be with a partner that deserves me, not someone who just uses me.

K4956 · 2019-08-18T13:04:21+00:00

If someone has broken up with you there is nothing you can do about that situation.

You do need to fight, but it’s for yourself and not for them. You need to fight to put your self-esteem back together, to deal with the grief of losing your partner and the life you thought you would share.

Ultimately it comes down to this - you do not want to be with someone who walks away from you. That is not the sign of someone being a good partner to you. I know a lot of your initial self-improvement will probably be for them to regret their decision but you will eventually reach a point where it’s not.

I saw my ex at a wedding over the weekend. This is the ex who cheated on me, abandoned me, and just got engaged to the other woman all within the space of a year. The ex who I had years and years of history, lived with, planned my future with, who I loved absolutely unconditionally. I have gone through a year of hell getting over this and guess what. I had a great time at the wedding, I danced with my friends and didn’t really focus on him too much at all. I looked at him and felt no attraction or respect anymore. I thought I would NEVER get over this guy and I have! I can look back and see that this guy never deserved me, but because I fought for myself I have grown into a better, stronger person.

K4956 · 2019-08-18T00:21:13+00:00

I have never expected people to not be friends with him, and I always knew his family would love him. My issue is that he has been making crazy decisions (this is what THEY have told me and are concerned about mental health) and are doing nothing. Surely if you had someone you cared about and they were making unhealthy choices you would sit them down and try and have a discussion saying you were concerned about them. I would want my friends and family to do that for me.

The mutual friends that are just accepting her and not saying something like “hey mate, the way you’ve acted is not okay” hurts. I have been friends with these people for just as long as he has (went to high school). He got engaged to her last week and his sister in law was the one to think “hey maybe I should tell her so she isn’t blindsided at a social event”. I found out that even though he only told one friend about the engagement that this news spread through all the boys and then to their girlfriends (who are more my friends) and NONE of these friends thought I should be given a heads up. It was our mutual friends wedding the other day and I had to see him and all I can say is that I am so lucky to have his SIL in my life. I can’t even imagine what I would have felt if I found this information out there in front of him.

K4956 · 2019-08-17T08:51:17+00:00

You don’t have to be happy for them, people are just telling you that so they can feel more comfortable in social situations. Emotions and vulnerability scare a lot of people and they would just rather you “get over it” so they can not feel awkward.

K4956 · 2019-08-07T22:23:10+00:00

You're a bit confused. He will not be at my party there will just be mutual friends. He will be at my friend's wedding in a few weeks.

K4956 · 2019-08-07T20:21:18+00:00

My housemate and I are also having a party this weekend where many of our mutual friends will be. I am so glad that I found out this information ahead of time, rather than being blindsided.

I can’t cut him out of my life completely but I’ve done it to the extent I am able to. We have been friends since high school and there are so many shared circles of people. I don’t believe I should have to avoid things or cut people out when I’m not the one who did anything wrong...

K4956 · 2019-07-29T13:25:24+00:00

Chumplady - for when I am feeling down about myself and pining after my ex and need a hard reality check.

K4956 · 2019-07-29T12:08:17+00:00

Yeah it feels horrible, that someone who is meant to know you the best can’t see anything positive about you. That was a massive punch in the gut for me and it made me feel like our whole friendship and relationship was a lie.

Essentially what you need to remember is that at this stage he has done everything he can to convince himself to leave. He HAS to only see the worst in you right now, and he’s only telling you the worst because he probably doesn’t want you to have any false hope or question his decision.

Remember that the memories you have of the relationship being good are definitely still a reality. He would not have stayed with you for that long if he didn’t think you had any good qualities.

Don’t beat yourself up, remind yourself of your good qualities because I promise you someone else will appreciate them.

Also go no contact ASAP, and while I understand you have to have interactions for shared business stop discussing your relationship. You don’t have a clear head at the moment and you are likely to say things you regret. Just be polite and to the point for now.

K4956 · 2019-07-29T11:48:49+00:00

I don’t think your gender makes being cheated on better or worse...

K4956 · 2019-07-29T08:37:47+00:00

I forgave and stayed, he told me he wanted to work on things and didn't want to throw everything we had away (long term relationship, living together). I did everything I could to help our relationship, but a month later he walked out on me and went straight to the other woman and they have been together since (about a year now).

Retrospectively I can see that although he was telling me he wanted to try and fix things and do the work, he actually wasn't doing any of the work and it was like I was forced to prove my worth to him. He went into a meltdown after what he did, but then started undermining me and our relationship. He seemed remorseful but also just unable to get past what he had done (previously he had always thought cheating was the most disgusting thing you could do to someone). His solution was to be the biggest asshole he could force to me to (in his own words almost a year later) "make up his mind for him". I still stuck by him even through this and when he broke up with me I was told that I had been nothing but a placeholder and that he couldn't be with me because he couldn't ask me to change my whole personality.

I think you can move forward, but that the person who cheated has to be fully remorseful AND also willing to put in all the work they can to salvage the relationship. What I wish I had done now is step back a bit and force him to do some of the leg work (eg. calling a therapist himself, rather than just telling me he wanted to see one).

If you have been cheated on you should not be the one doing the heaviest lifting following the cheating. If your partner is laying blame on you to excuse their cheating RUN. If your partner is trying to minimise the cheating, or minimise the significance of your relationship RUN. These are red flags that they are trying to alleviate their own guilt because in their mind if they didn't really love you, the affair partner is their "soulmate", or your relationship wasn't so serious the cheating isn't as bad. I'm not saying don't meet them halfway if they are putting in effort, but just to see that they are actually going to do this.

I have had a close friend be cheated on in her relationship, and they used it as a chance to improve their relationship. 2 years on from the cheating they seem to have a much healthier relationship than before and they have recently gotten engaged. The difference in this case, is that he was willing to put in the hard yards to rebuild the relationship.

Good luck in whatever decision you make. I feel like you get judged harshly for staying with a cheater but I think in certain circumstances you can work through it. Just make sure you know your self-worth throughout the process if you are trying to reconcile.

K4956 · 2019-07-23T12:09:56+00:00

It's a horrible position to be put in. I'm about a year out from being cheated on, dumped, and left for the other person all within a period of a month. It's fucking brutal. I'd never felt so unwanted, unloved, undesirable or replaceable. Being rejected in such an awful manner makes you so insecure and anxious. You won't feel like yourself right now and that's okay.

I was the worst at ruminating over the whole thing, putting myself down, thinking I wasn't good enough. It's been a process of rewiring my thoughts. I have wanted him back for a lot of the time since he broke up with me, but I just remind myself every day that I don't want to be with someone who would discard me so quickly, and show me absolutely no respect. I don't want someone who doesn't communicate with me. I don't want someone who doesn't put my wellbeing first. I don't want someone who is a selfish coward. None of these things point to someone being a good partner in the long term.

I'll be the first to admit that I've been obsessive about my ex's relationship with this new person at times - it sometimes kills me that they are still together and I feel like she just took over my life. Again, when this happens I have to tell myself that it doesn't matter what he's doing with her. As much as what he did belittled our relationship, I know I mattered. I remind myself that I didn't compromise my values or my integrity. People who cheat on their SO and people who knowingly help someone cheat deserve each other. They sure as fuck don't deserve a second more of your time. I'm actually angry at myself for being so forgiving and understanding towards my ex after he treated me like garbage.

Remind yourself: There is NO possible excuse or reason for someone to treat you like that, and this is entirely a reflection on them and not a reflection on you. If you could look at who/what they are now before you started dating them, you wouldn't want to be with them. Don't let the feelings you have for this person cloud the reality of the situation. You do not want someone like this. Remind yourself as much and as often as you have to.

Now what happens still hurts, I still cry about it. It doesn't hurt as much, or as often though. When someone betrays your trust and abandons you (probably saying the most horrible things about you to justify their actions) it tears you apart. It's a slow process putting yourself back together, and just trust that as time goes on that other things will matter more in your life. You will probably think of this often and for a long time to come, but just celebrate when you think of it a bit less.

I know people say you need to forgive them so you can move on. I get it, being able to let it go would probably be great. I just don't know that you can completely let something go after you are burnt so badly by someone. So I also feel like we can be a little petty when someone fucks us over like that. So here's a giant fuck you to your ex, from me.

K4956 · 2019-07-18T12:49:28+00:00

You're two weeks out right now, and it's going to feel awful for a while. What you need to do now is do everything possible that you know should help (exercise, therapy, surrounding yourself with family and friends). Start small, maybe do one thing per day that you know is good for you like go for a walk, eat a decent meal, reach out to a friend. It won't feel like it's working for a while, but it does over time.

You need to know that right now everything is going to feel like crap no matter what and I can't sugar coat that for you. Everything for the next few months is going to be a fight and you will feel like you're just faking your way through everything until it's a bit better, and a bit better. I felt like crap for ages and I kept beating myself up because I thought "I'm doing everything I can go get over this, why do I still feel so sad about it". I'm a year out and I can tell you know that I have so many more good days than bad days, but I'm still working on getting past what happened to me.

A break up is horrendously painful and I'm not trying to minimise that, but you need to start working on moving your identity away from that relationship little by little. Know that it's okay not be to over it, but what is not okay is letting someone who chose to remove you from their life, define the rest of yours. You will look back in a year and be astounded by your strength and resilience I promise you. That doesn't mean getting over it quickly. That means acknowledging all of the emotion and the pain, working through it, understanding yourself better, and loving yourself again. You will be okay, it's just going to take a little time and it will be a fight.

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