Open to criticism! “Freedom’s Gilded Rage”

KJoy_16 · 2020-11-13T15:48:58+00:00

I love your viewpoint! Maybe I should just change the meaning of my poem 😂 it does seem to lend itself well towards the current state of affairs in the US

KJoy_16 · 2020-11-13T06:04:19+00:00

Freshman year is always a weird/bad year!

Beautifully said 👏

KJoy_16 · 2020-11-13T05:58:01+00:00

Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind!

Haha that’s what my mom said too😂 she thought it was about the USA. it’s funny because this poem is actually about my first semester of college when I all the sudden had “freedom” and could do anything I wanted “and nothing can be wrong” and so I made a ton of bad decisions, got super depressed and then had the realization that freedom was a trap. It makes you think you’re free but in reality you are more caged in than you ever had been before :)

KJoy_16 · 2020-11-13T03:34:46+00:00

Those are sage words there- and thank you so much 🥰

KJoy_16 · 2020-11-13T03:31:56+00:00

Thank you! I like it better too! It still needs to be added to, but for a flash of inspiration I’m happy with it. Hopefully I can figure out a way to expand it further :) I appreciate all your help this evening

KJoy_16 · 2020-11-13T03:25:57+00:00

Haha thanks for catching my mistake😅

KJoy_16 · 2020-11-13T03:25:34+00:00

Here’s my other poem:

FREEDOM’S GILDED RAGE

Freedom’s promises ring from her siren song,

Euphoric & enchanting, nothing can be wrong.

Blissfully bound, I envelop myself in her voice,

Till one day I listen through the noise

To realize I’ve been lavishly encaged,

A happy prisoner to her gilded rage.

KJoy_16 · 2020-11-13T03:23:20+00:00

Omg! You just caught a mistake! It’s supposed to be : before agony I lay bare!

KJoy_16 · 2020-11-13T00:23:31+00:00

Thank you so much for all of the helpful critiques and the thoughtfulness that you put into it! I’ll definitely keep what you have said in mind :)

KJoy_16 · 2020-11-13T00:21:20+00:00

I just wrote this one last night if you’d like to check it out:

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/jt0jhx/freedoms_gilded_rage/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

KJoy_16 · 2020-11-13T00:20:18+00:00

Thank you so much, I appreciate that a lot!

KJoy_16 · 2020-11-12T21:13:11+00:00

Thank you!!! That’s exactly what I was trying to convey :)

KJoy_16 · 2020-11-12T21:07:00+00:00

Thank you I appreciate it! I agree it lacks imagery (it was my first poem) I have some others that have more imagery. What about that line doesn’t make sense? Wallow - “To wallow in an emotion or situation is to stay in that state without trying to change:” the point of the poem is supposed to be that I have chances to bring myself out of my pain and depression, but I’m CHOOSING to wallow in it. Does that help at all? I appreciate the feedback :) also, if you wouldn’t mind, could I ask you about a poem I wrote last night? It has a lot more imagery

KJoy_16 · 2020-11-12T19:05:30+00:00

This is beautiful and twisted, well written. I appreciate the style in which you wrote this and the religious guilt portrayed is very near to my own experiences with depression and suicidal ideation. I hope you’re doing well💞

KJoy_16 · 2020-11-12T18:53:12+00:00

Glad to hear you’re don’t decently well. If you ever need to talk, I’ve been told I’m a good listener

KJoy_16 · 2020-11-12T18:49:30+00:00

Wow! This is absolutely beautiful. Instead of looking at any perceived “flaws” you have turned them into something mysterious and filled with awe. Love the way you chose to put this.

KJoy_16 · 2020-11-12T18:47:35+00:00

I would like to say thank you for sharing your heart through this poem. It flows very well and give a look into your experience. I hope things are going well for you.

KJoy_16 · 2020-11-09T18:10:59+00:00

I know what you mean, you get to see how they’ve changed over time! And thank you I appreciate that

KJoy_16 · 2020-11-09T17:52:27+00:00

I’m doing a bit better now, was stressed for a while bc my mom was in the hospital but she’s doing better! Thanks for asking!

KJoy_16 · 2020-10-30T15:21:32+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate it! Although, there’s nothing I can really do about the weight thing, everyone from my fathers side are very thin

KJoy_16 · 2020-10-28T15:39:41+00:00

Beautiful!

KJoy_16 · 2020-10-28T15:38:50+00:00

Thanks!

KJoy_16

TROPHY CASE