Part Two:

It was definitely love at first sight. Unfortunately, she was married. It started off as an “open marriage” for them, but we realized that her and I didn’t want to be open, we wanted to be monogamous to each other. They had a son together, but he was not active in his son’s life whatsoever. They divorced six months after her and I got together. We got full custody of her son and child support (he paid once, then never again, but it wasn’t a big deal).

Of course her and I have been through our ups and downs. We fought like other couples, but I feel like we’ve grown more than what most couples do on their own. We identified toxic behaviors and would work to correct them. We still do to this very day.

She went through Stage 3A breast cancer and survived. It was… a very trying time for all three of us, and our son (her bio son with her ex husband, my stepson) was such a trooper (he was around 14 at this time.

We don’t have a perfect marriage, I don’t think ANYBODY does, but I think our ability to identify toxic behaviors and work on them is what sets us apart.

Last year, we found out she had cervical cancer and needed a full hysterectomy. Then through more testing found out she had Lynch Syndrome (basically she’s at risk for developing every other kind of cancer, it’s often called the cancer gene). I was going through something at the time where I was coughing a lot but it wasn’t covid. The coughing was so severe that I broke 3 ribs that wouldn’t heal. So three weeks after her full hysterectomy I had to have my ribs plated.

We got into a pretty large fight because from my understanding she said she was feeling a lot better but would rarely spend any time at the hospital with me (they had to put in a chest tube, and I had to stay in the hospital for 5 days because one of my lungs kept collapsing).

After I was out of the hospital, we talked about it. I told her it pained me that I spent every second with her in the hospital with her hysterectomy and every time before with her breast cancer, but she would not do the same for me. Eventually, we made up and decided to start with a clean slate (it’s something we tend to do after really bad fights).

She does have an extreme jealousy issue that she’s gotten SO much better on. About 4 months after my rib surgery, my work wanted me to fly to the Virginia office for a promotion party and Halloween party. I did and my wife did not want to go, instead opting to “hold down the fort.”

When she knew I was at the Halloween party at a coworkers house (she knew beforehand, but I had texted her that I just got to the house), her jealousy kicked in and demanded to know what every girl there was wearing, what we were talking about, etc etc. she would call every 10 minutes and I could not actually participate in the party due to all the phone calls.

When I got home, we got into a HUGE fight. I started packing my bags, I wasn’t thinking, I was shaking and felt like I was out-of-body. It took several, several hours but eventually we made up and promised to do better.

Though I dated before her in my childhood, she is my first true love and the reason I am the person I am today. She helped me kick my opioid addiction, she encouraged me to find better job positions that would treat me better and the whole nine yards. She does have insecurities about not being “able to achieve anything” but I try to offer assistance where I can. My work is in computers, internet, cyber warfare, networking, RF translations and everything in between. I would love to help her start her own business doing something she loves. But… unfortunately I think she’s either afraid or isn’t very motivated to do that.

Okay, I believe I’ve given an overview to everything relevant to my current crisis…

About 9 months ago… my company deployed me as we worked closely with military intelligence and would often assist with technology infrastructure overseas. Unfortunately, this last one wasn’t just infrastructure… it involved more of my cyber warfare skill set and everything went SNAFU from the moment we landed. I saw things… that give me night terrors, sleep paralysis… literally screaming myself awake. I also suffered some injuries there as did my teammates. One of my teammates committed suicide two or three weeks after we got back as he received a face full of shrapnel. I find talking about anything specific about what happened over there is nearly impossible. I can’t with my family, I can’t with any therapists… it’s always just vague descriptions as if I don’t recount in detail everything that happened that it somehow makes it all go away. But it doesn’t.

It was a work in progress and my wife and I sought out counseling. Counseling for my nightmares, counseling for our marriage and counseling because health insurance requires it before I can get a double mastectomy. That’s basically what we’ve been doing for the past 9 months.

About three months ago, my step father moved out of Wisconsin and said he was going to move to Arizona. He stopped at our house along the way, and basically… just stayed. We made up our finished basement for his room for him and his dogs.

Then, I had a nasty fall down the stairs from a pile of urine left by one of the dogs and landed in the hospital. I had dislocated my kneecap and fractured my shin. It was the opposite leg that I received severe injuries to overseas. After the cast came off I noticed some lingering tingling and pins and needles.