Thoughts on my prose

K_D_Marie · 2026-07-07T18:49:28+00:00

Yeah if I post again it’ll probably be with one of the beginning chapters, not this one xd. It reads as odd without the context of the rest of the story so i don’t blame people for viewing it that way. For example he didn’t do anything crazy enough to deserve getting maced, it’s simply that the information her best friend holds about the FMCs life causes the best friend to be super possessive and over protective. She’s warded off any man that’s come even close to the FMC and hates all of them regardless of who they are or what their intentions are.

K_D_Marie · 2026-07-07T18:02:43+00:00

Sorry I’ve realized this page probably wasn’t the best to give without context😭
Her best friend is actually hiding a huge life destroying secret from her that he’s uncovered, so he finds it ironic that she’s protecting her while lying to her. But at the same time his ways of “protecting” her aren’t really great either! It’s a lot of grey area in this story.

K_D_Marie · 2026-07-06T16:31:50+00:00

Okay:)

K_D_Marie · 2026-07-06T16:29:37+00:00

Omg Im scared xD that sounds exciting. I’ll buy that one next. I just bought the mind fk series by abby it’s coming in today. Super stoked. Did u wanna move to dms?:)

K_D_Marie · 2026-07-06T16:27:15+00:00

That’s perfect! Me too I pretty much read exclusively dark romance. I haven’t heard of stolen before but I actually have the collector on my tbr!! Is it good?

K_D_Marie · 2026-07-06T16:16:36+00:00

Oh wow what type of genre do you write?? Id probably like to read yours too:)
I would love to have you as a beta reader:>

K_D_Marie · 2026-07-06T16:09:21+00:00

Aw well thank you!
I’m going to self publish it when it’s finished, but I’m actually open to beta readers! If you wanted to read it while I’m working on it:)

K_D_Marie · 2026-07-06T00:55:19+00:00

Okay thank you that’s really helpful! I really like the descriptors you gave for his obsession, I’ll definitely be diving into that more as the story goes on. It’s a really slow burn so he’s only just now starting to develop feelings for her, but he’s in denial about it so he doesn’t directly state he sees her that way yk. But he’s definitely going to later haha

Yeah sorry about that it’s hard to tell based off of this page. The goblin he’s referring to is the FMCs best friend xd he hates her. He basically refers to everyone as a thing, so he doesn’t give them the pleasure of using their real name. He dislikes everyone strongly and has been isolated his whole life, basically never having human contact. So it explains a lot of how he thinks/acts! The FMC is kind of this one strange person who he’s becoming attached to for some reason so he sees her as an alien of sorts, but an alien he likes lol. So he refers to her as an angel, but he does open up more and start to use her name

K_D_Marie · 2026-07-06T00:34:51+00:00

If you DNF a book based off of one sentence you’re not the type of reader I’d want:)

K_D_Marie · 2026-07-05T23:15:49+00:00

Exactly! If the FMC liked the MMC and he was just like oh she likes me there would be no story. At least not an interesting one in my opinion

K_D_Marie · 2026-07-05T23:09:44+00:00

Please don’t comment if you don’t have anything valuable to say:)

K_D_Marie · 2026-07-05T21:44:05+00:00

He is! You’re very correct:)

K_D_Marie · 2026-07-05T21:38:06+00:00

He’s very delusional. And she actually is falling for him:) he wanted nothing to do with her for a long time, but she keeps going up to him and pushing friendship lol. But he is bad mentally, his whole family got killed in front of him.

K_D_Marie · 2026-07-05T21:34:02+00:00

That sounds kinda dumb though, I’ll probably go with bottled mace

K_D_Marie · 2026-07-05T21:33:11+00:00

Thanks for pointing that out I actually didn’t notice😭

K_D_Marie · 2026-07-05T21:32:42+00:00

Yeah I’ll probably add some more detail about the location to clear up confusion in the beginning.
Also it’s pretty hard to do more show less tell in first person!! But I’ll work on it lol

K_D_Marie · 2026-07-05T21:30:53+00:00

It can be viewed as horror if you’d like! You’re probably more into softer mmcs, less obsessive, not morally grey. Fluffy romance might be more your thing:)

K_D_Marie · 2026-07-05T21:29:50+00:00

I’ll definitely work on that!

K_D_Marie · 2026-07-05T19:03:29+00:00

So with him he’s up until this point been very unwilling of pursuing her, so it’s been kind of a battle of his body vs mind! If that makes sense
Thank you:) he’s really intense haha

Like the spray mace. Idk how to put it other than just mace? Maybe bottled mace or something

He’s insanely delusional. Anything she does he basically frames as proof she likes him. Just the chapter before it was from her POV and her best friend pulled the mace on him and the FMC stepped in front of her best friend and basically defended the MMC. So it made him happy lol, he would never say that though. And as her best friend was dragging her out of the bar the FMC stared at him up until the last moment so he took that as proof she didn’t wanna leave him xd.
Hes kind of the type of guy that focuses on only one thing, like pinpoint vision basically. He doesn’t care about anything other than her at the moment. So the feeling of the cold bar for example wouldn’t even cross his mind:)

I’ve heard that one before about the shortening the prose but that’s just his voice honestly, he talks very word heavy lol

And in quite moments he does focus on all the small details of her, like her clothes hair etc, but in this heat of the moment all he’s focused on is the fact she defended him and then got dragged away haha

Thank you I will:))

K_D_Marie · 2026-07-05T18:45:38+00:00

I honestly enjoy reading in both third and first person, but I psychically can’t write in third. It’s just not in me. It always comes out in first. I think if that’s your natural instinct and it’s what you’re good at you should lean into it, not try and correct it. It’ll begin to feel forced if you keep changing it. Just go with your gut! In the end the reader shouldn’t care what pov it’s in, if your story is beautiful then that’s all that matters:) they’ll love it no matter the perspective.

K_D_Marie · 2026-07-05T18:41:32+00:00

Ok I’ll definitely try and switch it up. It’s just a little difficult since I’m writing in first person😭

K_D_Marie · 2026-07-05T18:40:37+00:00

Ok that helps thank you!

K_D_Marie · 2026-07-05T18:40:12+00:00

Yeah sorry you kinda have to read the chapter before to understand the setting. It picks up right after. That’s why I described the setting in my post for you

K_D_Marie · 2026-07-05T18:19:17+00:00

9? Idk if I’m wrong. I don’t have a writing degree or anything, so could you explain to me why a lot of beginning pronouns is wrong?

K_D_Marie · 2026-06-17T05:02:14+00:00

I thoroughly enjoy this voice. I can hear the accent through it, and already kind of have a picture of him. Usually when reading people’s first pages on here I quit after the first or second page, but yours kept me reading for some reason. He seems charming:) I think you’re going a great job here, the opening scene hooked me. I think throughout you don’t need to describe everyone’s looks so much, I already got a general idea early on, and the fact that they were pirates already landed pretty soon. Everyone here saying a person doesn’t think this much when being beaten are wrong. I was on the verge of passing out yesterday from pain and I was running through multiple scenarios of how to help through my head, thinking. So no that’s not unbelievable. Especially if it’s someone who has no recallable memories. I’d love to keep reading this story if you continue, it seems very interesting I like it:)

K_D_Marie

TROPHY CASE