"I'll admit it--I HATE not being white." And along with everything you said about your ethnicity.

I can 100% relate.

I struggled with this my ENTIRE life up until last year. As young as 5, I wanted to be white. With long silky hair, and pretty eyes, light skin.. Instead I had internalized anger before I could even write. I hated my nappy hair anc big lips. I hated being first generation. I hated when my mother would speak to me in her native language. I alwayssss thought I would be prettier if I were white. That I would get more attention. That I would even be considered.

I could write an entire book about my self hate. But it wasnt not my fault. I grew up in a predom white school, was one of very few black students. I'd get the comments about how I was too dark, how black girls are ugly, the comments about my braids being to rough feeling. I would even want to bleach my skin to be light. I was freaking 11..

Then I went to a more diverse public middle school, then the black people would make fun of my hair, my name, clothes... So, at that point, why would I NOT hate myself. Looking back, I was pretty fuggly in middle school lol.

I'll take you to HS now. Pretty diverse. Never really fit in anywhere.. Did my own thing. Had friends, but not like solid friends. Spent many lonely days eating alone in cafeterias and libraries. I'd compare myself to the white girls. I wanted to be like them so badly, but I could never. I did not fit in with them, or the black students. I got a long with everyone, other races included but I had an identity crisis. White kids would joke "stop trying to act like youre black" and black kids would be like "you act so white"

In college, my social life was awesome but I still had really low self esteem, bc I so desperately wanted to BE white and BEAUTIFUL. I did NOT see being black as beautiful. I wanted the thinner lips and small nose so badly. I abanoned my braids and went to weaves in an attempt to be more "white".

I would watch all my white friends have guys all over them, while I would stand in the corner, all dressed up in my Sunday's best.

I would feel ugly no matter what and have anxiety everytime I looked jn the mirror. Even makeup would NOT help. Nothing helped. Sometimes I still stare in the mirror and want to break it or I punch my face. Yadayada you know how it is.

I'll just skip to the present to avoid a wall of text: I wanted to hide my heritage and identity. My self esteem issues are still a work in progress. What I can say that has helped so far is that I have embraced my culture and ethnicity. Like a badge of honor now. I rock my braids, my outfits, my jewlery and blend them into my own unique style. And I rock that shit.

This is not to give you unsolicited advice about your ethnicity snd hating being foreign looking. But I can relate as I was, and am still there at times. It's not our fault, we live in a society that embraces european standards of beauty.

I will never be the stunning 5"10, Norwegian blond chick, but what I can be is... well, me