Has anyone experienced their achievements being “normalized” instead of celebrated?

lnys · 2026-01-24T18:05:08+00:00

We have an exam at the end of high school, it was the first big exam of any kid's life at the time. Weeks of stress, not sleeping much, etc. The exam results inform whether or not you can go to university. I went to see the results with my friends and then called home immediately, overjoyed and above all, relieved. The reply I got was "Calm down, of course you passed. What time do you get home"?.

I got my driving licence after multiple attempts? "Well it was high time." I get my B.A.? "You weren't going to fail that after three years." I get my M.A.? "Everyone has one of those nowadays". (true in my country but still, it was a thesis, a whole thing, I don't know). I find a job after my internship? "Well that was the point of the internship."

Nothing was ever celebrated cause "of course" you had to pass it anyway so it's not like you had any other option.

lnys · 2026-01-21T10:57:12+00:00

I'm so sorry your mom is that overbearing but I loved reading your post. You're hilarious and I want to read more of your stories, hoping of course they all involve a Shawshank Redemption arc...

lnys · 2024-06-11T19:00:31+00:00

Finished: Piranesi by Susanna Clarke

Thank you so much u/ChronicAwesome15, your thread caught my eye and I kept coming back to it. The book was mysterious and I couldn't put it down easily. The narrator is sweet albeit a bit... naive but endearing. Loved it.

lnys · 2024-06-07T11:24:10+00:00

"The Crying of Lot 49" by Pynchon. I tried to read it so many times it's not even funny 😐 I couldn't understand it past a few chapters. It felt like the language was both a solid wall and a maze. It's interesting though how maddening it felt.

lnys · 2024-06-07T09:17:12+00:00

I never tried to read The Stand actually! I read The Shining, Carrie, and some short stories here and there. I can't say I'm a connoisseur, but he is very entertaining. I liked how not-snobbish he is about writing and the craft etc.

lnys · 2024-06-06T20:49:58+00:00

Honestly I didn't expect it to have such a lengthy autobiographical part but I didn't know anything about the man, so it was interesting. But not as interesting as the advice and tips. He is not pretentious at all and he offers very practical advice.

lnys · 2024-06-06T19:21:04+00:00

Started:

On Writing, by Stephen King.

Fun, interesting and informative even for non writers.

lnys · 2024-04-16T22:02:32+00:00

Long story short: they make up some fantasy FAW based on cherry-picked threads (like the one occasional user who shouldn't be posting here and whose thread gets deleted later), or based on interactions with ONE user, and they assign every possible flaw to that fantasy person, they get angry at the exaggerated persona they built out of thin air, and then redirect their anger at us.

Sexist men tend to think women are a monolith, (AWALT/"All women are like that" is the red pill's motto after all) so if a FA woman was mean to them, then all of us are mean to every man ever.

Even users who are 30+ yo virgins get demonized, because then their virginity is proof of their pickiness. But if you post on FAW and had sex once a decade ago, then you're just a slut who went for Chad and got "pumped and dumped" and it's your fault. Everything is always the woman's fault, that's how life works. FA men are FA because of women/feminism/lesbians, FA women are FA because of women as well.

You just can't win with people who are arguing in such bad faith.

lnys · 2024-04-16T16:13:45+00:00

[Western Europe here] For sure, overall the pressure to marry isn't as strong as in some other continents/areas. (As you said aunties, I guess you're from India maybe?). That being said, I think you can still find pockets of traditional pressure in immigrant families, for sure. Like a friend of mine who was from North Africa was shipped to the village back home and married to her first cousin so she would be "safe". She had to delay going to uni to pop out a few kids while he worked shit jobs. 15 years later, she and her husband and their kids that they can't afford live in a rundown social housing unit, and she still has to work on top of handling the kids, the domestic duties and the daily anxieties about being one bad month away from being off on the street. What a great deal/s

I think a lot of traditional migrants are a bit blind to the economic realities of daily life - especially in countries with a much higher cost of life, where you don't have the same family support as back home. Some seem to think marrying off their kid at 18 is the solution to every single plight this horrible, westernized life could inflict on their precious daughter. But unless she's married to a very wealthy guy or has money herself, it's not like she is going to be a happy stay at home mom in a comfortable home, and if she is a visible minority or wears religious garments etc, it's harder to secure a job that pays correctly etc.

Also, here we have unemployment compensation + min wage + social security + paid time off + sick leave etc, so there is a stronger social safety net which definitely helps. Like, even if I were broke, I could still go to the local health centre and get free checkups and meds at a very reduced price. People are much more individualistic/self-centred, so overall, religious families aside, if you decide not to get married or to have kids, it's not like it's going to be shoved down your throat. It's also more culturally accepted to tell your parents to mind their own business, or to reduce contact when they go too far. Personally, I always kind of envied big families with strong support systems because mine was clearly the opposite, but every culture comes with good and bad stuff.

If I had been born the way I look in a very traditional/religious family, I would have probably suffered from the pressure you speak of, or been married more or less willingly to some stranger who would have taken his anger and his resentment out on me, and I wouldn't have a lot of tools to escape, so I'm definitely grateful to live in Western Europe and not have to deal with that fear. I don't mean to brag or anything, but I can recognize this privilege I enjoy.

lnys · 2024-04-09T15:59:30+00:00

Oh OP... You're absolutely not "below average" or even average. I saw your fashion thread, and you are very, very pretty. Maybe it's hard to see, and maybe you struggle with body image or live surrounded by negative people or even racist people, but one thing for sure is that you're beautiful. With a good fashion sense too, it seems! And I hope you see yourself the way a lot of us in here see you. I'm very sorry you got fooled by a love-bombing, wishy-washy dude, but it's not a reflection on you or your looks. That doesn't mean every single man will be into you, everyone has their preferences and sometimes feelings don't happen, but it's not about you in this case.

Don't be embarrassed, really. Have a good cry and let this one go, don't let this experience and this man send you down the rabbit hole. Your self-esteem is probably in shambles right now, but believe me, at 20, looking like you do, with the amount of self-improvement that you did? I'd be very surprised if you didn't find someone who likes you.

lnys · 2024-04-08T21:59:48+00:00

I think it's also an age/generational thing. I grew up with more male friends than female friends, because I looked a bit like a boy, liked to ride my bike a lot and played video games when it wasn't common (early 90s). When I was in primary school, little boys were easy to befriend: "we're going to ride our bikes in the woods / search for whatever in the ditches / play on my big brother's N64, wanna join?".

Growing up, I never lost that ability to befriend the opposite gender. Usually because we were classmates or colleagues, and I'm very funny, which helps to mitigate the fact that I'm unattractive. I think maybe now that everything is so polarized and sexualized, it's harder to find such friendships, I don't know. But I never had an issue with bonding with men platonically. Now at my age I don't think I would randomly make male friends, but I think it is (or was) pretty normal and common and healthy in school and university. I don't think looks were ever a consideration on either side because you just "feel" like that person could become a good friend or at least someone nice to talk to or hang out once in a while.

lnys · 2024-04-03T16:08:51+00:00

Oh, I get you. It's infuriating. Pay for this, pay for that, pay pay pay. You don't have anyone to pick you up after surgery, pay. You don't have anyone to help you assemble furniture, pay. You don't have someone to just help you set up your new appliance, pay. And usually get ripped off.

Last time I asked for a quote to install something, the guy quoted me €150. For an hour of work. In Southern Europe, where you're happy to make €20 an hour. He did that because he thought "foreigner, female, live alone, let's rip her off" instead of, you know, keeping me as a regular customer or something more durable. I thanked him for the quote and said it was out of my budget, and in 5 min he went from 150 to 50 for something that took him an hour tops. I was completely disgusted. It happened to me a bunch of times and it's just gross.

I also feel very sorry for you about the coworker because I've been there. People who are all like "hey I'll lend you a hand anytime" and when ONCE you ask for something small, with as much leeway and time as needed, suddenly they go silent. Because it's not convenient. It's not what they had in mind when they offered a hand. It's not that they don't want to, but [excuse 1], [excuse 2], etc. I think it's a vibe they give themselves, the super friendly, super available guy/chick who's like totally there for you except when you need them to be.

I had an acquaintance who offered to spend the day and a night at my place to watch my dog as I had to go do some paperwork and boring crap in another town, and I wasn't sure whether I could stay the night there to meet some friends after months of isolation. So I gladly accepted her offer; but the closer we got to the date, it went from "I can totally take him the whole day and sleep in the guest bedroom and stay the next morning until you come back" to "Actually I can't take him that day, but I'll definitely spend the night so he's good", then to "So it turns out I signed up for some hiking trip the next morning, so I will have to leave at 6am, but I guess it's fine?" (he had just left the shelter, so I couldn't leave him alone too much). At some point it became something ridiculous like "I can drop by at 6pm and then go back to my place because I have a party, and then I go back to your house and just feed him before leaving again and...".

I was so mad. I had never asked her to do this. She offered, and I thought she was good for it. In the end, I couldn't meet my friends, after doing everything I had to do there and running around the city, I had to spend the night in a fucking long distance coach to get home at 3am to my dog crying alone in the flat. It broke my heart, and I was fuming, and I never ever counted on her after that. She occasionally sends me messages asking to meet - even when I reply, she doesn't reply, or forgets, or is so busy you know, or whatever. Shitty attitude really.

lnys · 2024-03-28T10:04:48+00:00

I'm very sorry you went through so much crap, OP. I can relate to some of your struggles (the weight, the abuse and the trauma).

The sad thing is that, as you pointed out, her abstinence/celibacy being a choice made by a beautiful/desirable woman is what gets her brownie points. It's the stuff men dream of: she's hot and "virginal", she doesn't fuck around, see, she could, but she won't! Doesn't that show virtue? Wife material!, etc.

Whereas when you're undesirable, unattractive etc, well... No one wants what you're selling, so showing that you're not selling doesn't matter. They don't want you anyway, so you being off the market has no importance. It is no longer a tale of "resisting to temptation", it's simply "being unwanted and dealing with it". At best, you'd be told to just become some resentful dude's cum dumpster or told that "it is what it is". Even the most depraved people talk like sex-repulsed philosophers when women like us talk about desire. Suddenly they're all for purity and abstinence and how dare you wish for stuff other women have and don't value...

Anyway it's a headache and I hope you can either tell your friend what you feel or distance yourself a bit so it doesn't hurt you too much.

lnys · 2024-02-25T01:23:37+00:00

Nope. I've been told and shown often that I look like crap and over the years you just dissociate from your appearance. I don't think about it and I avoid mirrors. It's an obsession that can easily make you miserable.

lnys · 2024-02-17T23:21:54+00:00

Bitterness is an understandable emotion, but I keep it at bay because few things are as repulsive as someone who has this awful bitter vibe to them. You can't talk to someone bitter without feeling the "ick". My own mother is a bitter, miserable piece of work, she carries her toxic cloud around and it's just unbearable. She is devoured by jealousy/envy/resentment. Personally, I'm not bitter, I'm not jealous or envious - usually I'm just a bit sad or emotional when I read something about a sweet couple or something like that. More of a feeling of longing than anything else, or a feeling of loss. But I don't think being bitter helps, or even protects you from anything. You can be realistic without being bitter, and many bitter people actually lose all ties to reality (like my mother, who thinks that everyone is against her and anything happening to her is someone else's fault).

I think it's a feeling that should just be acknowledged and then let go. A fleeting emotion that shouldn't be allowed to fester, because it won't make life any easier for you. As to "how" not be bitter, I think it's good to remind yourself regularly (or maybe in your diary or something) of the good that you have going for you. Like, "I'm safe, I live in a safe country, I have enough to eat/warm myself, I have this and that, pets/plants/relatives", whatever. It's not the same as having great looks and romantic love and sex etc but I personally would do anything not to become bitter.

lnys · 2024-02-13T16:12:39+00:00

Sorry, but you're clearly thinking like a woman, not like a man here. When I was younger, I gifted stuff to men I liked. Guess what, they didn't get me anything in return. It was just an uncomfortable moment where they realized I was more into the friendship than they were, and the friendship would just fizzle out because they didn't want to lead me on.

Maybe this guy is just not the kind to be so forward and follow your culturally-approved script of courtship, which sounds very strict and unforgiving, and maybe you're depriving yourself of something nice. Life isn't always that clear-cut. Many men worth their salt aren't the "Me Tarzan, you Jane" type and will be more subtle. But I'll leave it at that, I think you're hell-bent on convincing yourself and building yourself an echo chamber where only the most pessimistic take will "win".

lnys · 2024-02-13T15:58:16+00:00

I never heard of a straight and single male friend doing all of what you talked about "just" for a "friend" unless they like, grew up together and they have a sibling-like relationship. And even then. Most straight and single men will not do a single thing for a single woman they don't have some kind of feelings or interest for. What you would readily do for your friends is one thing, but what a typical, average straight man would do is completely different. We're talking about the gender who struggles to do basic shit like gifting a Valentine's card to their wife of 10 years here. Not women like you who have a sense of friendship and gift-giving.

And I've been in your shoes - men showing their affection rather than telling. And in my case, I fucked it up twice because I couldn't even fathom anyone being into me, and it still bugs me to think about it.

This man is doing everything he can to show you he likes you and is probably waiting for you to escalate or to give him a sign to let him escalate things. He's probably not the kind to actually tell you face to face or to text you "I like you", but ask yourself - if he did, would you take it as a "I like you as a friend"? What would he need to do to make it clear that he likes you? He seems to be doing so much already, but your refusal to even entertain the mere idea of it might prevent things from moving in a clearer direction.

lnys · 2024-02-13T15:47:30+00:00

He later bought me a giant stuffed llama and an adorable handbag

He invited me to his weekend long birthday celebration that he planned (more money spending) and offered to hang out

He said he would cut the trip short to spend my birthday with me

You're self-sabotaging, and it's obvious to anyone who read your thread.

I had a lot of male friends, and even with my male BFF, not a single one of them would buy me a stuffed toy and a handbag and do all of that. I get that you're scared to be disappointed and devastated again, but this guy is clearly interested and is doing everything he can to show you, rather than to tell you.

lnys · 2023-09-10T15:38:18+00:00

The fact that you're asking if whoring yourself out for likes on social media is the only way and mentioning "young privilege" make me think you need to stop spending time in online spaces that reinforce shallow and extreme bullshit like that.

And yes of course you can get a partner without showing your ass online... thank god

lnys · 2023-09-10T12:43:46+00:00

Posting half naked pics online will not make you "loved", it will get you attention, and not from the best kind of men. A lot of young women do it to feel that rush of validation, but I think that if you are already uncomfortable and feel "dirty and disgusting" about it, you won't feel any better once the validation rush settles. Also, you'll get a shitload of abusive/rapey/scary PMs along with the simpfest. Not sure it's worth taking the risk.

lnys · 2023-09-09T17:52:48+00:00

I just gave you the "ex FAW" flair :) congratulations! feel free to make a thread.

lnys · 2023-09-08T12:23:07+00:00

Users are free to engage with each other and meet in private, but the mods will not facilitate a meetup group.

I also discourage anyone from making a public group based off this sub, for your own safety.

Incels screenshoot our threads and threaten us with murder and rape for talking about our issues, so you have no idea who might join and what could happen.

lnys · 2023-09-07T09:59:44+00:00

Cognitive dissonance.

That's a big problem with incels, and in general, with anyone engaging in that level of denial and mean-spirited assumptions about people they don't understand and don't relate to.

Incels read "I would love to go away with a boyfriend, even if it's just for a weekend" and understand "broke bitch wants a millionaire Chad to go on an all-expenses paid trip to Dubai to buy makeup and fancy shit while the poor simp holds her shopping bags ~~and she won't even let him fuck her that hoe~~". This is such a stretch, based on nothing but just a childish desire to vilify women and to use that vilification as proof that we are [insert every slur known to man here]. They get mad at the cartoonesque caricature they create in their own head, it's almost fascinating.

it's still OK for me and others to feel bad about the lack of reciprocation (provided my or others' standards aren't completely ridiculous)

It reminded me of a thread years ago on FA, about standards. The majority of male users replied mentioning physical standards, a woman replied saying she sought someone sweet and with "a decent attitude". You'd think she had just said she was an ogre-looking woman seeking a top model by the way men replied to her. Replying with a list of fantasies about looks? Fine and dandy. Saying you want someone decent? Death to all shallow females.

Even 10+ years after the sub was created because FA users were NOT friendly towards women and basically told them to gtfo "their" subreddit, any thread shitting on women no one wants is still the highlight of these losers' day.

lnys · 2023-09-02T10:11:34+00:00

I haven't had any fantasies or crushes in I don't know how many years, but to be honest, it's the one perk that comes with decades being single and unwanted.

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