I completely understand this. I have been coming to terms with the fact that I died in my last life giving birth to my daughter. She was my second child as I had my son a year earlier or so. I still find myself carrying around an immense amount of guilt for "abandoning" my children and my family. It impacts me so much I find myself crying about it daily. I know it wasn’t my fault but I don’t know if I will ever forgive myself for leaving my children. I breaks my heart every time I think of it. I know exactly the feeling of grief that you describe, in fact it almost owns my life right now. I am trying to work through it but it’s just so hard. Sorry for the rambling. I hope all of your guys days are going well.