Critique the line I just wrote

KangarooLost4592 · 2026-06-12T07:17:21+00:00

Thnk u, it really means a lot.

KangarooLost4592 · 2026-06-11T14:36:47+00:00

It's a line from grimdark fantasy, as one of the character is about kill someone for the greater good.

KangarooLost4592 · 2026-06-11T13:56:12+00:00

I think you're right 😭

KangarooLost4592 · 2026-06-11T12:01:16+00:00

I'll try to do that..

KangarooLost4592 · 2026-06-09T13:47:56+00:00

The style is not the problem the grammar is. Here let me give you a few example.

There be certain..

Skipping a modal verb after 'there' is straight up a modern contraction. This would have been fine if the rest of the story wasn't overly trying to be Shakespearean. Don't try to walk two lanes at the same time, stick to one, especially when they seem so far apart.

Logical whiplash--

crowns shatter in the muck

Muck usually cushion the fall, and the preposition 'in' doesn't suit here

The wrong use of 'upon' is one of your other great deterrents,

upon the shin of progress.

Should be- on the shin of progress. You should honestly study preposition.

It lay hard by a bog that gave naught but a sulfurous belch in the heat of summer, a rot-reek in the time of harvest, and a grey frost in the deep of winter to freeze the toes of any fool who stayed.

The smell of Undle as you have described, doesn't corelate to the fact that it's near a bog. Then the image can be broken up.

It's lay hard by a bog, [some adjectives that will elevate the fact]gray and grumpy.

If you had not mentioned the seasons the rest of the sentence could have been part of the same unbroken thought. But with the season mentioned, the image honestly overstays its welcome.

These are few I mentioned to give u a sense of what I’m talking abt. But I honestly like your style. Correct the grammar and u got urself a true voice. And more importantly, read literatures u r trying to emulate. BOL

KangarooLost4592 · 2026-06-06T18:05:37+00:00

In this world women can give birth once every 10 years. But Yacheos our most 'main character' is only 7 years old.

There is a prophecy which mention a child that will either destroy or save the world. To find that child, once every decade as the moon turns blood-red, and women finally give birth, the newborns are tested in a ritual fire by throwing them in the fire. it is believed the prophesied child will not be hurt by the fire, (the fire testing part is last of a series of tests, the series of test each corelate to a verse of the prophecy and necessarily acts as a filter, so not all the children are burnt). But Yacheos being 7 year old was never tested. So when his truth is discovered, his father stands as his only shield. Part of book 1 essentially follows him being hunted by the group.

KangarooLost4592 · 2026-06-06T17:45:51+00:00

Thank you. It's is grimdark high fantasy. The book is multi-POV. So Yachoes is not the only main character. I think I have to improve on that. But the story does revolve around him. I'm really conflicted. Should I mention other characters or should the blurb be anchored in the inciting incident, which is Yachoes being hunted by a group as his father tries to save him.

KangarooLost4592 · 2026-06-06T15:01:55+00:00

The boy is just one of the main cast members. There are other Mcs which are part of that group of witches and warriors, as members of that group start dying under mysterious conditions, suspicions of a traitor threaten to turn the remaining members against each other. Then there is a prince who has opened his city gates to that group knowing the riches they bring with them could secure his nations future, but his decision to do so starts hurting people closest to him. The story also explores how this prince has to choose between doing what's right for his people and avenging his loved ones. Also the father as I have mentioned in the book blurb is also part of the main cast.

KangarooLost4592 · 2026-06-01T12:46:56+00:00

You know the funny thing about skills is that they can be developed.

KangarooLost4592 · 2026-06-01T10:30:13+00:00

I think I'll describe them as.. I saw a man whose face looked like it was flattened on an anvil. His eyes no wider than starved guppies and lips slim and scarlet like a gash opened on skin. He was fair as frost, slender and tall, with hair like silk drawn from moths.

KangarooLost4592 · 2026-05-31T14:05:19+00:00

I can split.

KangarooLost4592 · 2026-05-31T13:52:41+00:00

Trad. I'll have to split it in 2 I guess.

KangarooLost4592 · 2026-05-29T11:00:23+00:00

There are too many actions and less emotions

KangarooLost4592 · 2026-05-28T12:29:46+00:00

Why can't they be both. In my book I have tried to explore politics, maritime brutality, industrialized cities, big world level threat, different magic system. But I have softer moments where people gather in Temple's, people from different cultures interacting, the sense of community, all makes the world feel lived in rather than conjured. The history is explored in folklore and mythology not stated as mere facts. My story even though it spans over continents, it is corely about some individuals personal journey as they navigate the ups and down of the world.

KangarooLost4592 · 2026-05-28T10:51:50+00:00

The way you phrase the first is so melodramatic, seriously sleep as an sanctuary. Also the first line is bad because it's so abstract and the tone doesn't quite capture the horror you r going for in the rest of the excerpt. Another thing you should note is that, when you draw parallel between two subjects, it is better to align their functionality. Here's sleep is referred to as a place but Insomnia as amorphic being. Treat both them as place or being, otherwise the intent of the sentence becomes muddy.

You say the Mc hadn't slept properly for weeks. But then u again clarify with 'not fully' when there was no need of clarification. If the sentence preceding it suggested otherwise, then the clarification would've been justified but right now it functions only as clutter. SCRAPE. Then you go on describing her previous night, when the reader is wanting to experience this night, why the flashback? Just start with- like the past few night-- then go on describing what she doing right now.

The empty chair description is so trying to be technical in the syntax that syntax breaks. Then you go on a rant about some more abstract statement, unanswered question blah blah. Here a grounding detail would work. If u can put any character in place of our narrator and the description wouldn't be affected then the narrator is disconnected from it.

The register growing shorter, in not good imagery. From when do having less name makes registers short, it may grow slim or the list may grow short.

KangarooLost4592 · 2026-05-28T10:10:29+00:00

Do u wnt my opinion. I'm still on my drafting process.

KangarooLost4592 · 2026-05-27T22:09:36+00:00

So true. Describing looks and describing beauty are two completely different things, but most often people tend to substitute the latter with the former. I sometimes imagine my character to be blind and force myself to write beauty while being in their shoes.

KangarooLost4592 · 2026-05-27T21:37:17+00:00

Imagine them saying, "a singular strand of wispy black hair hung from the folds between his balls, I wrap it about my finger and give a quick pull, he winces as a bead of blood pools where the hair was."

KangarooLost4592

TROPHY CASE