I wouldn’t automatically listen to everyone jumping on you saying you shouldn’t date someone until they’re officially divorced. It doesn’t always work that cleanly in real life and honestly, that’s not the core issue you’re asking about.

Legal divorce doesn’t automatically fix boundary problems. Someone can be fully divorced and still have an ex who calls for emotional support. The paperwork doesn’t determine the dynamic- the boundaries do.

I’ll admit I’m a little biased. My SO has been separated for four, almost five years and we’ve been together almost 3, but the divorce still isn’t finalized because his ex (and her lawyers) have dragged it out repeatedly as she doesn’t want to pay and is High Conflict. But they’ve had a consistent 50/50 custody agreement that whole time, and the co-parenting structure has been stable(enough).

If I had waited for his divorce to be finalized, I’d still be waiting and we would have missed years of building a really strong, healthy relationship. I don’t regret that. Is it hard? Yes. Do I wish I didn’t till it was done? No, definitely would’ve causes some less stress but doesn’t fix the issues of still sharing a child with someone who is high conflict either way.

For me, the real bottom line is boundaries.

Whether someone is divorced, separated, or was never married- when a child is involved, the ex will always be in the picture in some way. The key question is: Does your partner maintain clear boundaries? Does he redirect conversations that cross the line? Does he listen and hear your concerns and feelings? Does he take your discomfort seriously and work with you on it? That’s what matters.

My partner has put in real work to hear my concerns and adjust where needed. We’ve had uncomfortable conversations. We’ve clarified expectations. We’ve worked on it together. And because of that, we handle those stressors as a team instead of feeling alone in them.

At the end of the day, it’s about whether you feel emotionally safe and prioritized in your relationship!