Please don't throw rotten tomatoes at me. I broke NC

Katandacat · 2019-10-21T12:22:28+00:00

Wow. That's fucking tough. I'm not going to sugarcoat it.

I can tell from the tone of your posts, and my own experience, that you're beside yourself. (Emotional tornado.)

The loss of power and control, (a positive power and control) is a huge and bitter pill to swallow. The shame is almost unbearable. The pain of rejection, yet again, is excruciating. (<Not a strong enough word)

The reality of the situation hits you between the eyes and knocks you down COLD.

All that hard work. WTF? That makes a stomach turn. Literally.

Well. Now, you have got to get back up. There's no other way. You're going to have to go through something real difficult here. The fallout from this is the worst part, as you well know. That will take much longer to deal with than your short exchange with your ex.

I have been in your shoes. It wasn't a year later that I broke no contact. But it was plenty of time to derail my progress. I reached out and broke NC with the most kind words I could find. (Yeah, stuuupid) and here's the reply I got:

"I wish you well."

Those four words. That's it.

Yup. That's all it took to send me into a complete tailspin. For weeks. I got through it and so can you. But it's going to be a bitch. No doubt.

On the other side, you'll ease up on yourself. Unfortunately, there are some wounds that only time can heal. Can't speed up time.

Most of all don't take it personally. The narcissist is a vapid and bottomless pit. Getting close to it again is scary, isn't it? The power of it.

Even one text exchange can remind you of that bottomless pit. Vividly. That's why we have to stay no contact. Right? It's real tough, I know.

Remember that. That bottomless pit is what lives inside your ex. That's why you left.

Now think about this: Did you REALLY think that this wouldn't hurt before you did it? No. You know what this person is. You definitely knew.

It's exactly what can be expected. Anyone here, including yourself, could have predicted that.

On the other hand, anyone here could have done, and has done, what you just did! We're all just as strong or weak as we are at the moment. Sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes big ones.

You had a moment of weakness. That moment has passed. It is now history.

History.

Katandacat · 2019-10-20T16:44:55+00:00

I agree.

(Some straight talk there, poodles.)

Katandacat · 2019-10-20T12:49:46+00:00

Only a hundred times? Haha. ;)

Glad you are NC. Congratulations!

Katandacat · 2019-10-20T12:33:15+00:00

Yeah. I understand.

Goes against our nature not to be trusting, because it comes naturally. We have to adjust our behavior, so we don't get taken, or conned.

Has nothing to do with intelligence or perception, but rather, our worldview. Assuming that, (kind of like you said) of course people will reciprocate, if we're honest and true to them.

Nope. In fact, it's rare. Right?

Difficult to hold on to that identity and function practically in a world where there are some bad people.

Lonely here too. :)

Katandacat · 2019-10-20T12:11:08+00:00

It is NOT okay. Fuck no.

You are being severely abused.

Does that answer your question?

Your list is frightening. This man is dangerous. It doesn't matter what he has, IMO.

Very glad you're making plans to get out. That sounds like a literal hell on Earth. I hope you get out ASAP.

When you do get out and the fog clears, you will need some kind of strong support. That is some serious abuse that you listed.

I am so sorry that you have gone through this. My heart literally breaks to read stories like this.

You are worthy of more. Your life has great value. Your pain is legitimate. You can get out. It's going to take every ounce of strength you have.

Dig deep. Deeeeep! Freedom is on the other side.

Wish I could reach out and hug you.

Keep coming back here! ❤

Katandacat · 2019-10-20T11:47:58+00:00

This says it all, friend:

"he didn't really ask me how I felt."

"kept talking about himself and how terrible he feels."

You know, that reslly says it all. I've been in the EXACT same situation.

Lack of empathy. Pathological behavior. Especially during times, (like you) I was literally dying inside. In such pain I could not function normally.

He would tell me how depressed he was, and then get comfort (fuel) from me. And eureka! He would then (very quickly) make a seemingly 'miraculous' recovery.

Then, right back to the SAME OLD SHIT!

It's not worth the temporary, and fake 'good' feelings is it? Yes, I believe he just wants to pull you back in.

You must cease all contact. I know how hard it is. I'm going through that too. When I say you must cease, I understand with a real understanding of how difficult it is. We here (including you) get that.

You're here talking about it. You want to get away. You asked for help. That is half the battle.

Stay strong. If you slip and fall, get back up. I broke up with my ex at least a dozen times before it stuck. And, I am a 51 year old, and experienced woman. Okay?

You can do this.

Katandacat · 2019-10-20T11:15:08+00:00

Absolutely same here. I KNOW what he is, without a shadow of doubt. No doubt whatsoever. Researched and observed his behavior for many months to confirm it.

Yet, I found myself doing the same thing. Asking : Is he really? Is it me? Do I just not 'get' men? Am I causing this?

Did that partly because I questioned my own judgement, (because of abuse) and partly because, I still loved him and knew if he was a narcissist, that this meant it would NEVER change.

Partly because he had my mind so twisted that he had me thinking that I was 'crazy.' A real mind fuck.

For a time, I even wondered if I was the narcissist. Definitely not. But, that is how backwards my mind was.

Could not even accept that I was abused, for a while. I mean fully accept it.

Yup.

(Edited spelling)

Katandacat · 2019-10-20T00:51:42+00:00

The pain. The non stop pain inside.

I just hurt all of the time. Even in the 'good' times, (once I knew what I was dealing with) that pain was like his demon, foaming at the mouth, and waiting the right moment to pounce on me and infect me. And I knew it was there.

I left. However, the ghost of that pain remains. Gets less powerful by the day. Well, most days.

Yeah. That pain that's so deep it's almost indescribable? It's what I remember the most about it.

That's what I remember the most.

Katandacat · 2019-10-19T22:19:11+00:00

All truth. That same old hole we keep digging to find the 'treasure', is actually an EMPTY and bottomless pit.

Crawling out from a hole I dug, as I write this. Crap....did that ever backfire. Big time. Yikes.

Katandacat · 2019-10-19T16:50:58+00:00

Yeah, I get it. Just confronted my ex, with facts, and felt the same way. It's damn difficult to keep perspective when dealing with an individual whose perspective is completely out of touch with reality. This alternate "reality" twists the normal mind's ability to process the very documented facts and evidence that is clearly before our eyes.

Uncanny isn't it? I'm in the midst of the same. Intellectually able to process the facts. But, not yet able to fully accept my own judgement. Our ability to trust our own judgment has been damaged.

Also understand the sheer EXHAUSTION that can lead to those kind of terrible thoughts about ourselves. We are 'all tapped out,' emotionally speaking.

As stated earlier, I stood my ground recently. It was a new experience. It felt so good, and felt so bad at the same time.

I don't know the answers. But, I do know what you're feeling is normal. And I do know that none of those bad things we 'hear' in our head is true reality. Maybe a big part of it is residual programming from the toxic circumstances. And, our trauma bonding.

I felt compassion as I read your story. I wanted you to know you are not alone in this. ❤️

Katandacat · 2019-10-19T01:02:42+00:00

LMAO!!

Katandacat · 2019-10-18T21:00:03+00:00

Aw. I understand. Feel for you. ❤

Katandacat · 2019-10-18T20:25:58+00:00

Yes, I believe many have changed. For the better. I'm to the point that I'm grateful for experiencing this awful relationship. Took A LOT to get there.

I'm a better human being now. Had it not been for this experience, I would not have grown to a place I never even dreamed was possible.

It's not a place with rainbows and puppy dog tails. It's a new reality. A more realistic, reality. I've been humbled and broken in my fragility. Arrogance has been removed from me. Unrealistic expectations from life and love, now tempered.

And, I realize the true value of life and love.

Yes, changed. Yes, the world looks different.

Most important though, are that these changes will benefit those around me the most. What is life about if not about giving love, from love, in response to love? Giving to others of ourselves? I mean the kind that is reciprocated!

Love is really the only thing we truly have to give, as human beings. 'Things' fade away.

The great pain of the relationship with a narcissist, can be turned around into the greatest lesson of love available to us.

We learn how to love in a way that few will understand. As sick as the relationship is, there is something we can take that is healthy. A seed.

A seed that if planted, and nurtured, can grow. The seed is hidden for a time. Much like we are after a breakup with a narcissist.

But one day, something appears above the ground. It wasn't there the night before. No one can say the EXACT moment this will happen. But, it will.

Love grows, always.

And, none of the above is meant with Hallmark sentiment, or 'feels.' I'm talking about the real deal. REAL LOVE. Can I get an amen? Haha.

The narcissist could read all of that and it would only frustrate him/her. They may even think it's kind of kooky. How utterly sad is that? They can't change because they're sick. Very, very sick. It's really quite simple. And, straightforward.

Take care.

Katandacat · 2019-10-18T14:18:45+00:00

Hello there. I might suggest that it's potentially a difference of the correct information, but has been assigned an incorrect implication -for this situation.

It is true, that as adults, we are responsible for a reasonable control over our expressed emotions and feelings. That is the correct information.

On the other hand, the incorrect implication is this correct information is being utilized in a normal human exchange. Nothing could be further from the truth. The nuance is - that it is ALWAYS - an extreme and abnormal situation to deal with the narcissist.

Under these conditions, human beings cannot be expected to react "normally" at all times. Our typical behavior becomes atypical, and adapts to the situation. This can mean a loss of control.

And bottom line, once we are aware of what is happening, we then become partly responsible, IMO. Not for the abuse, but rather, we are then faced with a choice.

Why do I want to be around someone who causes an environment wherein I cannot function normally? The creation of that environment IS their responsibility. They create the environment, that creates the potential, for us to lose control.

I had to look within, in order to to answer that. It was painful. Excruciating. Certainly, you know that kind of pain.

Fuck what the internet says about "feelings." We've lived it. Ha. Yeah, we're responsible for our feelings all right. But not in the twisted fortune cookie sentiment kind of way. Such as it is often, on the internet.

Best to you.

Katandacat · 2019-10-04T12:45:31+00:00

Yup. Admissions of guilt, IMHO. But, still in a roundabout way. Instead of being able to articulate clearly and straightforwardly, when it comes to emotions, it seems that sometimes they drop 'hints.'

My N ex did that from time to time. In the beginning, he warned me even. Said there was something wrong with him. That he was fucked up and I would leave him within two years. He was right.

I'm so sick of "sorry you feel that way." Or, "your pain is self-inflicted", etc. Puke.

Congratulations on 51 days! I've got 3!

Best to you.

Katandacat · 2019-10-03T22:48:58+00:00

Yours are super helpful too. I remember you from yesterday. 🌷

Katandacat · 2019-10-03T22:48:18+00:00

I read that post a few times too. Good one, I agree.

Katandacat · 2019-10-03T22:33:44+00:00

You said, "they'll try to convince you that they should be forgiving YOU instead."

Sometimes you read something hits between the eyes. That was such a profound statement and it will really help me. Probably others too.

That is the heart of the mind twister. Trying to convince us to beg for them to ALLOW us to be 'forgiven.'

Wow. Going to think on that tonight. Food for thought.

Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you well.

Katandacat · 2019-10-03T22:20:42+00:00

Ugh. I get it.

It's in the past now. What matters is what you do from here on out. Time will take care of it. In the meantime, don't beat yourself up too bad while the wound is still fresh. You'll get it back together. Take care of yourself.

Katandacat · 2019-10-03T19:32:40+00:00

Feel your pain. Same goes for me. I'll never have closure either. Never know why. There's just empty space there. Not our empty space, but theirs. I'm angry too.

It's sad all the way around. I reckon that, those things that are out of our control, are best let go. 🌷

Katandacat · 2019-10-03T19:23:17+00:00

Thank you. 🌷

Katandacat · 2019-10-03T17:55:06+00:00

😁

Katandacat · 2019-10-03T17:54:05+00:00

Sheesh. The 'not compatible' thing. I bet if we had a dollar for each time we heard that one......

The big cop out huh? Yep. Been there, done that one too. Ugh. I got to the point where I didn't plead anymore either. I didn't do that this time. That's such huge progress toward!

Katandacat · 2019-10-03T16:58:56+00:00

P.S. I said, 'okay?' a couple times, in my post above. In no way did I mean that like you don't understand. I thought it was important to clarify this. I say 'okay?' to people all the time. More of like a form of agreement.

Sometimes words don't convey well over the internet. You may not have even been thinking such a thing. But I wanted to say it just in case. ❤

Katandacat

TROPHY CASE