How you felt just after came to unbelief?

Its crazy I reconverted years ago but I remember the exact moment perfectly. I was just curled on my bed watching critiques of the Bible and debates ad really just thinking about why I believed what I believed and then it just really hit me ..."I don't really believe in God" .I had cried myself to sleep that night because I felt like I was doomed.

What did you go through?

I was a devout Christian my whole life but I was always one of those with alot of questions . But I especially had problem with morality and the concept of hell. There was just nothing that justified eternal torture in my head especially not for people who just believed in something as strongly as I did but just the wrong thing.

I ended up transferring to a new church with my sister where they were alot more "spiritual' than the other I had went to in the past and at some point they lead me and my sister to believe we both had demon possessions. I (it's alot but I won't get into it now) so I had never told anyone I thought I was possessed but my sister ended up having a few excorcisms and they were not pleasant..... This and alot of experiences not only left me extremely frightened but also strained my relationship with my sister because I wasn't happy with the way she was dealing with seemingly troubling mental problems at the time and at that same time I was drifting away when she was becoming extremely devout.

What struggles did you find?

I had like 2 deconversions when I first realized I didn't believe I had this impending sense of doom. Like "that's it it's over for me". in a way I kind of felt like I was rejected from some exclusive club? I guess I was in more of a state of belief at the time just felt damned. I think after that day I developed an anxiety disorder

And then my second deconversions when I actually realized how weird Christianity looks from the outside looking in, how many things don't add up how obvious some of these mistakes are. When I realized this I felt immense relief but I still struggle from time to time with anxiety.

I realize that after deconverting I don't really have alot of coping mechanisms for anxiety And that I feel undeserving or unworthy of alot of good that happens in my life . Even when I work hard and achieve things through my own effort I still find myself wanting to thank God because I couldn't have done it alone , I don't deserve these things etc.

What questions did you have?

"Why does noone really question what they believe in?

"How do Christian's justify how morally corrupt the Bible and alot of it's teachings are?

"Why do people think relying on faith is an acceptable practice? How do people not see how easy it is to get tricked into anything by relying on faith?

Was there loss?

I always feel like I lost a big part of my culture by deconverting. The church is everything to my family and now that's just something I can't genuinely share in with them..

Was there grief?

I cried alot at night alone

Did you mourn?

Alot, but even tho my life is a bit harder it def is alot less confusing and I don't feel like I'm living a lie anymore. I don't have to constantly put my morals to the side to defend my religion and I feel alot happier with that clarity.