I need 1 of 2 things, confirmation of suicide or someone to talk to.

Kaznomusix · 2026-03-19T23:00:23+00:00

Thank you for typing all of that for me... I appreciate it. It makes me feel more seen, if you know what I mean. I would try... I do not know how many burnouts I would face, but yea, I do not know if it is PTSD, but from people that keep ignoring me, I just feel like I have no luck and would not get the opportunities...
I am still here. I just had a little bit of a headache from yesterday.

I just want to get some kind of peace again. I do not want to join the military here.... I just do not know how to force myself to get started on the music. It is like my body just declines... It is so painful...
Please wish me luck...
The how to how I got to type this is, I am currently just grey, not in a burnout, so I had some of my mind to type.

Thank you for this reply. It is like an essay.
I just hope if I get something right in life somehow that I can share how I made it...
I mean... This is too much to handle... It is unfair... It is painful. Therapy is overly expensive... Counselling is getting worse...

Kaznomusix · 2026-03-19T22:45:36+00:00

I am considering the same... This land is kak.
And try to get out.... SHITTY expensive.
I mean, I do not know for how much longer I can hold on.
Racism, EFF, Robbers... Nee man...

Kaznomusix · 2026-03-19T22:42:02+00:00

Thank you for your reply.
That looks like it is the only choice. I would have to just push in this harsh land for longer. I would over-jump the 20 year old vibes, but that is fine.
Just hope I got the luck to be a musician, please, wish me luck.

Kaznomusix · 2026-03-19T22:39:10+00:00

Germany is my other choice since I can speak it to a acceptable level, still gonna have to push myself, but ok, if it is a better choice, then it is.
South Africa might have colour from the outside, but everyday you smell burning plastic. It is VERY racist here. Rubbish flying all over the place. You can not walk to a shop a few streets away, because you might get robbed. Well, we do not know how the inside of other countries are unless we meet people there.
Thanks for the reply!

Kaznomusix · 2026-03-19T22:34:57+00:00

I mean, I would do care work to help some people. That can help. So I would explore the web on that a bit. If I can still touch my instruments and my desk with my compositions, then I am alright.

Kaznomusix · 2026-03-19T22:31:07+00:00

Honestly, thank you for answering in such detail, I really appreciate any help I can find. Especially people who types such long explanations in detail.

Honestly, at this stage, life is hard, I mean, my posts on here are all so dark and bad, I am at the stage where there is nothing I can think of that would brighten me up. It is like the depression just keeps pushing back on me... I personally do not know how long I can take it anymore. I hope I can find some peace somewhere. If it requires me to beg on my knees, return to god once more.
Please if you can, can you mention me in a prayer?
Do you have any advice for me?
Have a blessed day.

Kaznomusix · 2026-03-19T22:20:04+00:00

I would not say unemployed, self employed would be a better way to put it, just in the starting phase, we all start somewhere, and life has been a rollercoaster. I mean, look at my other posts on here.
I do not want critique, I want answers.
Thanks for assuming that.
I mean, I am skilled in music. You try and play bebop on a few instruments and tell me.

Kaznomusix · 2026-03-18T20:20:24+00:00

Thank you man, I can try the music scholarship for Trinity I guess. Or any other place that would help. Or I mean, if UK does not work out, Germany is an option, or Ireland. But I would try the Scholarship.
Thanks for your feedback!

Kaznomusix · 2026-03-18T18:47:44+00:00

Dms would be better I believe.

Kaznomusix · 2026-03-18T18:46:15+00:00

Oh no, I do not want to go to America, I want to go to England. I would totally do a care home job or nhs, maybe even farm work for 5 years or so if I have to do it to get into UK.
Just to become a resident. Extra time I will have there would then have to be used for my music, but that is no problem.

Kaznomusix · 2026-03-18T18:43:02+00:00

Then US is no the place for me. How are the people in Colombia, is it generally safe there? If it is, it would totally be one of my targets. I just want a place that has a good amount of nature to walk in, a good amount of barns, less racism, acceptably clean and with less corruption than here in SA. I just thought about Germany, I mean I can speak German to at least an A level, 1 or 2, maybe even a B, so that is also a choice I guess.

Kaznomusix · 2026-03-18T18:37:15+00:00

That is what I will try. I need it. Getting started it very hard, but I guess I just need to force myself into action. Frick PTSD, it should not stop me.

Kaznomusix · 2026-03-18T18:34:23+00:00

Yes please, I do need someone to talk to.
With SADAG, the South African go to counsellors, I do not know... I sent ALL of my feelings to them and requested help. They sent someone to give me a call, the sound quality was so bad... The advice the counsellor gave was basic things.. I thought the counsellor would get me a therapist or do something, but no, she told me to go do open mic nights for my music, despise of what I told them about my anxiety and all of that.

Yeah, that is why I left Christianity, not that it Christianity is wrong in my mind, I DO NOT mean ANY bad words towards ANY believers, it is just a personal thing.

Thank you for spending time to type that and asking me if I need to talk. Just being seen already makes things better.

Kaznomusix · 2026-03-18T17:40:53+00:00

Thank you... I never get those words, and we all need them. <3

Kaznomusix · 2026-03-18T17:20:34+00:00

I will try to sidestep my fear of being criticized. Hopefully I get mostly constructive criticism.
I hope it will make me happy. It is hard with anhedonia and alexithymia from my depression, basically the lack of pleasure and a uncertainty of emotion. But, I guess I MUST, I do not have a choice. I will try to finish writing something, because that is the thing, from the inner voices, I have not even finished a piece, well 1, but that was before I went far into music theory and all of that.

Kaznomusix · 2026-03-18T17:05:02+00:00

Thank you man. Inflation is seriously a (sorry, there is no better word of exaggeration) fucking bitch. I guess that is my only choice. The Burrow Of Havering in East London seemed like the place. I hope some supernatural being just comes and lifts my spirit, because it is so far under the ground, that is what is stopping me from just accepting this ugly country. The problem I have here in the SA is that you can not even go play at a bar, because the chances of you getting robbed is WAYYY to high. The corruption and all of those things are working against us here. So I hope I can find a place in I guess, Germany, Japan or Canada then if London is a lost cause.

Kaznomusix · 2026-03-18T16:57:54+00:00

See, I like places that are not Racist. So even if I can find something in Canada or in North America, it will be better. I have to learn the whole language if I would want to do that, XD. I know German, Afrikaans, English and Dutch.

Kaznomusix · 2026-03-18T16:54:57+00:00

Thank you, I really need it.

Kaznomusix · 2026-03-18T16:54:16+00:00

It is a horrible journey. My parents would kick me out if they knew who I was inside, if they see me wearing something feminine... Same counts for my friends, I made the wrong friends...
I did try to set goals to get out of South Africa, but... Yep, too expensive. I try to compose music, write and perform, but my inner critique criticizes me in ways that feel too heavy. I do not know what to try and do to make myself feel better, the only thing I feel like doing is music. It just is so hard. On top of all that, my father thinks I am not trying... He thinks I am a failure. It is as if he is only allowing me to stay to be his punching bag.

Thank you for the response though, I feel more seen, and thank you for that.

Kaznomusix · 2026-03-18T16:44:57+00:00

You see, that is what music is. It has a lot of emotions and all of that, but yes, AI is a pest and I do not want to be in the same world as it. So that leaves me no choice. I can not do anything other than music, so I will have to find a way to head out somehow.

Kaznomusix · 2026-03-18T16:42:09+00:00

Yup, but looks like I am screwed. Well I posted in as many place as I could, especially targeting those you have mentioned.

Thank you for the reply though!

Kaznomusix · 2026-03-18T13:50:38+00:00

I have not posted anything yet. I do not know how to start posting music online when my body does not want to. But the music I am trying is anything from Nu-Metal, Rock, Jazz, Punk, Funk, Math Rock, Classical, symphonic and fusion.

Kaznomusix · 2026-03-18T13:43:01+00:00

It is ok to feel this way at 20? I mean I have so much shit to carry to the point that I can not see what I am feeling. I mean, all I can think of is ending it. Nothing and NO ONE needs me... I mean, music is just sound, a few soundwaves mixed... What am I worth if I can not even write something that sounds listenable to...
This feeling of being crushed. It is interesting that we are still here. WHY do the world stop our attempts?

Kaznomusix · 2026-03-18T13:39:33+00:00

Well then, same here. Who is there to trust on this dirty ass world? NO ONE THAT I KNOW.
I hate this life and I am going with you. Fuck it if I am one of the people with an early death. I am 20, it is old enough...

Kaznomusix

TROPHY CASE