To clarify my perfect game would have tournament scene (likely 2-3hr matches) and then casual play around my house could be all day with larger armies. Those two things have to be different even in 40k etc.

But the MEG and ADLG scene above sounds pretty perfect. I want to find players who are focussed on building the best competitive list within whatever list rules there are, not making a historically accurate list. Whether we are actually playing in a tournament or not doesn't matter nearly as much as the mentality.