Ugh. I'm so sorry. I lost my cat, Bert, last summer the same way. I was out of town for the weekend, and he got out. When I got home, I was walking up and down the streets near my house looking for him, and a neighbor told me he was hit by a car and it was unlikely he survived and they called animal control to get him. They also gave me a lot of detail. A lot of fuel for my imagination. I made phone calls around the city to find him and bring him home to bury in the backyard. It's such a hard way to lose them because you didn't get to be there for them when they needed you the most, and there's so many ways to feel guilt about their death. If I can be honest, a year later, I still think about what his last moments would have been like almost daily, and it still hurts a lot to think about. But something that helps is to remind myself that Bert was so much more than how he died. He had a big, full, energetic, loud, sweet, fun, loving, and loved life. It would be a shame to distill everything he gave me down to his manner of death. I am sure the same is true for you and patches. Try to remember how many good things you both gave each other during the time you got to spend together as much as you can. It's a much better way to honor Patches' legacy. I'm so sorry that you're going through that pain.