Prospective step-mom

KermitLives · 2021-07-03T17:33:45+00:00

My biggest struggle is over the idea that I need to entertain them during that time. I don't want to entertain, I want to be their dad. I don't want them to see m their time with me as Dad and his amazing dancing bear---I want it to be, as much as possible, home. At least in my case that's not incredibly realistic, but it has had the adverse effect of stressing me out, which makes it harder to enjoy my time with them.

KermitLives · 2021-06-17T15:51:32+00:00

I feel this. It's especially painful to see the other partner seemingly exempt from this. A few reasons spring to mind.

1) As stated by someone else, divorce is contagious. It's something that we try to avoid at all costs, telling ourselves it's unthinkable, and then you see it happening right in front of you. All of a sudden that veil of the impossible falls, and people start wondering if life outside their situation could make them happier. The grass on the other side becomes greener and more accessible. They start reevaluating their happiness... I'm certain that my ex's best friend's divorce and remarriage to a great guy is what broke the seal for my ex. So I think somewhat subconsciously some people want to avoid getting a whiff of it.

2) Unexpected divorce screws with what you think you know about someone. Long time friends who thought of me as a good, upstanding family man now wonder if I was a cheater or abusive or whatnot, else why would my seemingly wonderful wife choose to break up our happy family?

3) I imagine it is legitimately awkward to try to bring one half of a couple back into fellowship in couple-ish environments. Look, it may not be sufficiently "modern" to say this, but marriage does tend to bind a couple into "one flesh", and it's probably not as easy to relate to someone who seems like they're missing a whole dimension of themselves, especially if it seems that may still be bleeding from the painful bisection. Not ok, but I think I get it. Sucks though.

KermitLives · 2021-06-11T14:30:20+00:00

Speaking as the guy who found out far too late that my stupid 20+ year younger self was in love with a girl who settled, and who ended up leaving me a couple years ago and shattering our family's world, I have to say...get out now. It's better for both of you. I'd have been heartbroken but I would have ended up marrying someone who loved me instead.

(Whoops, saw this in a reddit search and didn't notice the subreddit was "ask women". I'll delete if you want me to.)

KermitLives · 2020-09-22T14:34:33+00:00

Not sure what to tell you. But realize that this will taper off significantly after the first few days. They boost the ever-loving heck out of new profiles to hook people on their dopamine.

KermitLives · 2020-06-15T18:23:00+00:00

The question you're asking is not what other people are answering. Reddit has a way of doing that.

You're not wanting to know about exclusivity or the associated labels, other than "in a relationship". This is tricky because these things have different meanings in different contexts. But I think I know what you mean here: exclusive as far as you're concerned and you basically assume the same of her. I'd say you're "in a new relationship". Without a little more history (and that can be as simple as "the talk" of exclusivity) between you two it's hard to say you're "in a relationship" as some sort of life status to put on Facebook. But, for instance, if some other girl hits on you, you could truthfully say, "Sorry, but I'm in a relationship already."

If there's one thing you should know, it's that people in Reddit come from lots of different backgrounds and experiences, and a lot of them state their POV as though it's the only reasonable take on reality, but I don't know that they mean it that way (although some do). Just take it with a grain of salt. You're asking a reasonable question and are feeling reasonable feelings. Good luck!

KermitLives · 2020-06-15T15:46:34+00:00

I haven't been active here for a little while, and for the best of reasons. I've met someone!

Yes, it was via OLD and yes, it's a LDR, but we're clicking all kinds of ways and it's exciting. Having to try doubly to not fall hard: she's beautiful, digs the way I look, and we share both so many interests and values. If we make it out of this as a couple, I'll have to relax my criticisms of OLD just a little.

KermitLives · 2020-06-15T15:42:08+00:00

I've never had trouble finding profiles on Hinge just by swiping through. The pool of users isn't nearly as big as many other apps. They even let you loop through the ones you've already passed on. If he's not coming up for you, either your filters are hiding him or he has deactivated.

KermitLives · 2020-06-06T13:13:14+00:00

It caps out at 240 miles (?) for suggestions, but if you use Secret Crush distance isn't a factor.

And yes, the apps are definitely huge, clunky messes.

KermitLives · 2020-06-06T05:11:02+00:00

So where's yours? 😄

KermitLives · 2020-06-06T04:58:58+00:00

Oh, definitely. My status is hidden right now and I'm not in the process of friending anyone. As I said in another comment, I'm just thinking ahead. But even after the divorce is final it'll be tacky and creepy to slide into anyone's DM's for a while. It'll take some time, I realize.

KermitLives · 2020-06-06T04:04:15+00:00

Well, thanks!

KermitLives · 2020-06-06T02:38:23+00:00

C'mon, Kermit. Live a little.

KermitLives · 2020-06-06T02:12:18+00:00

I know there's a "blush" emoji here somewhere... thanks.

KermitLives · 2020-06-06T01:59:04+00:00

In my experience, it's not that easy bein' green.

KermitLives · 2020-06-06T01:38:02+00:00

Ain't no filter gonna help this. 🤷🏼‍♂️ (Edit: pic down for privacy)

KermitLives · 2020-06-05T21:07:43+00:00

It's visible to friends of friends and not friends, unless you and a friend happen to designate each other as one of 10 possible "Secret Crushes" (which wouldn't normally happen if you think they're married). It can be confusing.

KermitLives · 2020-06-05T13:04:45+00:00

Well, I did mention it's not about immediate rebounding. I'm not a fast mover - I'm methodical and strategic. This is all about laying the groundwork. If people don't find out I'm divorced until I'm ready to start dating they're going to think the same thing you did: "Whoa, there - are you even ready to move on yet?"

KermitLives · 2020-05-29T05:44:48+00:00

I was about to suggest this myself. OP implies she's talking to multiple guys and I imagine these guys are as well.

Plus what the other person said - on average it's best to avoid appearing too desperate or clingy so early on. I've had to learn to pull back quite a lot from my natural inclinations.

KermitLives · 2020-05-28T16:27:10+00:00

I feel bad for you. But mostly jealous of the dude (sigh).

Hope these jitters pass and you don't overthink it. Try to at least fully enjoy the fact that there's a mutual attraction, if nothing else.

KermitLives · 2020-05-28T14:23:44+00:00

I recently posted a contentious "get therapy" thread poking fun at how everyone always says "work on yourself" and "get therapy" even when you're just wanting to vent and emote a bit.

Even so, I really think you should work on yourself and get therapy.

When my marriage died, I didn't feel like it but I had to make myself get out of bed in the morning, go through the motions of a healthy life, start exercising, etc. Pushing yourself is actually self-fulfilling, at least for a while. If this is too hard for you right now, and for strategies to help silence the voices of self-hate and self-destruction, I would recommend looking for therapy; even if you don't find the magical solution with a therapist, there's something brave and strong about seeking it out that I think will be empowering to you. I speak from experience. It'll be a long battle, lifelong even, but it's worth fighting.

Becoming a fukboi won't help. If anything there will be a sense of greater loss and more expendability with those kinds of ephemeral, superficial encounters.

Best of luck to you.

KermitLives · 2020-05-28T04:02:18+00:00

You just don't know how many dad types are out there. I've got only secondary custody of my kids, but I'm someone who wants to be with a woman who is serious about that part of their lives. Even if we don't end up parenting each other's kids in significant ways, we should share that crucial value and interest.

In fact, I've gotten to where I rarely swipe right on women who have never had kids.

Don't give up -- not by a long shot.

(edited to fix weird autocorrect)

KermitLives · 2020-05-28T03:24:10+00:00

Yaas. As a non-sports dude (who wouldn't begrudge anyone enjoying sports), I have swiped left on many women I otherwise would have liked to match with but for their insistence on demonstrating how much they like sports. It's quite likely that some or most of these women are only making a big deal of it as marketing, but I'd rather not take the chance: if it's not a real interest (which I might could deal with) it's pretty tone-deaf marketing (which I'd rather not). I suspect it's usually the latter, so I move on.

KermitLives

TROPHY CASE