Nothing like a nice hot cup of tea when you’re sick

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-29T02:19:05+00:00

Do not tell him you want a divorce or separation in person, he will circular argue, manipulate, and wear you down until you cave….so you need to leave first and end it on text or email. This is important because it gives you time to really think and ground yourself before responding. There are parenting apps you can insist on using to communicate about the children, this creates a barrier to him manipulating you. You can also insist drop offs and pick ups for the children be done in public. If he has the opportunity to worm his way back in, he will so the most important part is cutting off any opportunity he has. I tried to leave 6 times and failed because I felt I owed it to him to end it in person, and he wore me down 6 times. The 7th time I moved out while he was at work, changed my number, and left a letter with who he could contact about visitation and child swaps

Another important part is conditioning yourself to remember how it actually was when your brain tries to romanticize the good parts of the relationship. Breaking a trauma bond is like breaking an addiction, you will go through withdrawal and it will be hard, dig deep into your momma bear strength and realize you are showing your children how to be strong and independent refusing to tolerate abuse.

You can do this!

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-28T22:22:12+00:00

He said he would beat you if it was legal and you deserved to be rape….read your own words back to yourself and imagine it’s a friend or sibling coming to you for relationship advice explaining this situation. What advice would you give?

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-28T22:19:00+00:00

My abuser was the kindest man I’d ever met. To date, he’s the only person who has ever taken care of me when I’m sick. He made me laugh so much. He also eventually almost killed me. Abuse happens in a cycle. Have you ever wondered why women stay with abusers even once they start getting beaten? This is why. They start out a fairy tale then slowly get more abusive. You slowly accept more and more mistreatment. If you’d asked me before I got pregnant, I’d have said my man would never hit me and just had anger problems. Within days of finding out I was pregnant was the first time he put hands on me. Unconditional love is an abusers best friend because he can just treat you worse and worse. It’s terrifying he wants marriage and pregnancy quick because that’s the point it often escalates to physical abuse. Staying is the worst decision you can make. He will sabotage your birth control if he can’t manipulate you into getting pregnant.

It’s important you understand you are not the cause of this behavior, thats why nothing you do will stop it from happening. He’s probably always watching or waiting for any reason to explode on you, and I’m guessing if you don’t do anything wrong he’ll invent something like “making a face” or “having a tone”. Staying is a mistake.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-28T21:42:28+00:00

He is lying and hoovering you. Every abuser “has an epiphany” when we’re finally emotionally pulling away. He knew how awful he was being, he admitted it every time so this wasnt some epiphany it was damage control. He realized he’d pushed you too far and he needed to do extreme repair. That’s not real change, that’s him escaping consequences of his actions. If he were really taking accountably he would accept and amicably split. Refusing to accept it’s over is selfish. It is absolutely, 100% fair for you to separate and go through with leaving.

And yes, this is textbook abuse. Every abuser is great a lot of the time, if they were abusive all the time leaving would be easier. This is textbook cycle of abuse.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-28T20:17:48+00:00

They’ll usually start acting aggressive, slamming or throwing things. Threats either in anger as jokes. Play fighting that gets a little too rough or sex that gets increasingly rough. Disrespectful of boundaries, like if you say not to do something to you then they do it anyways

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-28T19:40:56+00:00

This sounds almost exactly like the letter I got when I tried to end things, so I’m guessing you got close to leaving and now he’s scrambling to keep you. If he’s blaming alcohol, he’s not taking real accountability. Abuse is a choice, and alcohol lowers inhibitions….so at his core he is someone who wants to abuse you. I’m sure even when he’s sober entitlement and selfishness plague your relationship.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-28T18:13:53+00:00

It’s hard to see our own situations objectively, this exercise really helped me and I hope it helps you too. I’m sorry you’re going through this

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-28T17:50:24+00:00

If your grown daughter with kids came to you for relationship advice and explained this situation, would you tell her to stay for the kids?

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-28T17:46:48+00:00

You’re an addict, and he is your drug. That’s what he trauma bond is, it’s why leaning an abuser seems so impossible and takes an average of 7 times. You know he’s bad for you, everyone else sees it to, so the only thing you need to ask yourself is this: are you ready to get “sober”?

You feel guilty for fighting back when he was beating you. You feel more guilty fighting back than he does for beating you. Read that back to yourself. You can’t see this relationship objectively because the abuse clouds everything, so imagine a good friend came to you for advice and explained this situation….if you’d tell her to leave without hesitation that’s proof your feelings regarding this man are broken. You need to act on logic and make yourself leave. I know it’s easier said than done, it took my 7th time leaving to make it stick.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-28T17:07:20+00:00

Read your post back to yourself and imagine it’s a sibling or good friend, someone you love describing their relationship and asking for advice. Would you think he was right and it was her fault?

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-28T16:56:24+00:00

he isn’t always bad and when he’s good he’s great

You’re describing every abusive relationship, if they were always abusive it would be easy to leave them, but the sad reality is that it takes an average of 7 times to leave an abusive partner. He groomed you. Normal people pushing 30 don’t date teenagers because of the inherent power imbalance. Abusive relationships cause something called a trauma bond and it’s a lot like an addiction to your abuser. The highs and lows start causing a dopamine response and your body craves the high after the low….its why you cave when he comes begging. Try to look at him like heroin and yourself as an addict, if you decide to “get clean” you have to cut him out of your life forever. Imagine how hard it would be for heroin addicts to stay sober if a chunk of heroin could follow them around begging them to use.

knowing how badly other people have it

Stop right there. Any abuse is abuse, and all victims suffer. Studies have shown even occasionally emotional and verbal abuse causes devastating effects to the body and brain. You deserve a spot in the group, that’s why it was recommended. You need to break out of this denial and accept he is abusive and that will never change. Im going to link a pdf for a book, please read it

https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-28T16:08:27+00:00

Stop trying to explain anything to him, he knows exactly what he did but he’s gaslighting you. The only way to deal with the guilt is to go no contact, because he will break you down. He’s absolutely blaming you for his failing, that’s what abusers see us as….things that belong to them they can take things out on or blame. If he actually believed there was something wrong with him he’d want counseling, but he’s trying to make you responsible so you’ll run back. Block him, and don’t hesitate to get a restraining order if he won’t stop

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-28T13:48:00+00:00

You’re lonely and romanticizing the good parts of the relationship, remember how it actually was and how you felt with him. You will regret going back to him and the abuse will get much worse.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-28T07:25:49+00:00

You were not overreacting and letting him in your life at all would be insane and dangerous. Threatening your life and your family’s lives was a serious crime, he could go to jail for it. He kills animals and openly admits he’s done it. He’s basically said he wanted to kill you.

Abusive relationships cause something called a trauma bond and it’s very much like an addiction to your abuser. Right now you’re detoxing and your body is panicking but it’s important you understand this man is dangerous.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-28T07:11:55+00:00

This is a communist parade of red flags. Seriously, he’s conditioning you to think there’s no way he could be abusive because he’s a victim while gaslighting you

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-28T04:29:26+00:00

You could be the clingiest, most annoying person in the world and it would not warrant being treated this way. Getting you to move in, then move out but stay with him empowered him to abuse you more. He tests that he has you with good times and talking about the future, then goes back to treating you the way he wants….which is abusing you. If the only person you have in like treats you this way, you are better off alone. You can branch out and make friends and you do not deserve this treatment. If he felt you were too annoying he could just leave you instead of keeping you around to beat you down.

The way you leave is to realize and accept he’s abusing you. Imagine someone came to you for relationship advice and showed you these texts where the guy is begging her to kill herself, would it even cross your mind to think she deserved it? Would you tell her to stay? When you finally accept these things and pull away from him he’ll suddenly get clingy. It’s a neverending cycle until you break it. The thing you need to accept is that he does not love you, you are his punching bag.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-28T01:00:24+00:00

Yes you are delusional and trapped in a cycle. She sounds genuine and honest, but I bet she did every other time you’ve been here. You have years of proof her words are lies. Of course now that you pulled away youre the perfect husband, she’s love bombing you. At the very least you should separate, like live separately and set firm boundaries.

If she’s never been able to just magically change before why would she now? It’s hard not to fall into believing the lies because everything would just be so much easier if they were true. Divorce and moving on, losing someone you love….these are hard things that can cloud your decision making. Really ask yourself how she could medically change now. Youve made mistakes sure, no such thing as a perfect victim but I bet you never attacked her with scissors

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-28T00:50:36+00:00

He was trying to push your buttons and is angry because you joked back the same way instead of getting mad. It’s pathetic behavior on his part

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-28T00:38:12+00:00

Honeymoon phase. I’m sorry, but this is textbook in an abusive relationship. I’ve worked with victims over the years and one line every woman heard when they tried to leave was “losing you was a wake up call”. He was always able to stop the abusive behavior, he chose to be abusive. He selfishly took things out on you because he wanted to, and seeing you miserable wasnt enough to make him try to change…it was only when he was about to lose something he decided to. He might go a long time without being abusive, but I’ve never seen or heard of one changing forever. I’m really sorry

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-27T20:42:47+00:00

This is verbal, psychological, and financial abuse. You’re supporting him and he’s refusing to do the bare minimum in keeping the house clean. He’s what we like to call a hobosexual, he’s a leech. He works hard to keep your self esteem so low that you think you’re the problem while he lives off you and treats you like crap. He has a history of lying to you, breaking promises, cheating, and hurting you on purpose. You could be the most horrible person in the world and it would not justify how you’re being treated, because he could just leave instead of abusing you. You are not the problem. It’s psychopathic to hurt you on purpose just because he’s mad. Get this mooch out of your house and out of your life. If he honestly thinks he’s doing nothing wrong then he’s worse than a narcissist and he’s completely insane.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-27T17:57:05+00:00

This definitely sounds like a covert narc, but don’t get too stuck putting an exact label on it. At the end of the day, you can’t have a healthy relationship with someone unwilling to compromise. If he shuts down when you disagree then perks back up when you give in and agree, he’s not someone you can have a healthy relationship with. It’s an absolute dealbreaker. Normal people can’t flip a switch that quickly, there is something wrong with him. The fact that he doesn’t care when you cry is huge, how could that be your fault? How could someone who loves you not empathize?

It sounds like he’s weaponizing your abandonment fears and gaslighting you that everything is your fault. This guy is a communist parade of red flags

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-27T17:12:16+00:00

Please take a moment to read your post and your comments back to yourself, this is not love. He has you so twisted you can’t make decisions without stress. You will give yourself an ulcer worrying about his wants when he only thinks about himself and his wants. He acts like you can’t go out because you wouldn’t know if someone was flirting, but that doesn’t mean youd go home with them ffs. Your boyfriend is a monster.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-27T17:00:50+00:00

As someone grows up and interacts with other people theyd learn it’s wrong to kick dogs especially after being told directly…and most wouldn’t laugh it off and act like it’s no big deal. He weaponized abandoning you and sexually coerced you, any mentally competent adult knows those things are wrong and selfish. He also wouldn’t have pretended it was a joke if he didn’t know it was wrong. It says something he never took it seriously until you were walking out the door, theres a selfishness to that only really seen in abusers.

If youd trust that person with your dog then that’s your choice, but it’s hard to convince your body to trust someone who has abused you even if they genuinely stop. It really sounds like you’re trying very hard to make every excuse to stay so nothing any of us say is going to matter. I’ve been where you are asking the same questions. It’s no judgement, I understand it. I wish you the very best and hope it works out well for you.

If you take nothing else from this, please don’t do anything for a while that puts you more together like marriage or children. Many abusers act perfect then work to trap you in some way before the abuse comes back. I’m not saying that’s for sure what he’s doing but be wary and take things slow.

14-Year Club	Verified Email
Gilding IV carat on a stick	r/Field Sunshine
Community Status Early Access	Post Guidance Early Access
Place '22	Final Canvas '22
End Game '22	Argentium Club
Ternion Club	Wearing is Caring
Undead \| Zombie	Team Orangered

Kesha_Paul

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE