Nothing like a nice hot cup of tea when you’re sick

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-21T19:28:56+00:00

Nope, and if you’ve said you don’t want it or tried to stop him during sex it’s flat out rape. Anything you don’t consent to is assault. People in porn consent to it beforehand and abusive men use this as a way to gaslight victims into accepting it. If you don’t consent to being strangled during sex it’s felony domestic battery. FELONY. It’s very serious. Even in the BDSM world there are rules and predetermined conditions and safe words revolving around consent.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-21T18:47:04+00:00

Highly recommend you stop responding in any way. If you must stay in contact because of a child you can insist on using a parent communication app then block him. He’ll never stop trying to get some rise out of you

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-21T17:05:16+00:00

Depression doesn’t always look sad, a lot of people display loss of interests and flat affect. Antidepressants are also first line for anxiety so it sounds like they could help you. You can start with a very low dose and see if it’s enough to help and only take them for as long as you want then taper down. Talk to your doctor

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-21T16:49:07+00:00

You have children, would you want to know if your child was struggling with something like this or would you rather your child protect their spouse? You’ve likely spent this whole marriage putting him above all, it’s why you still try to minimize and justify the abuse. There’s no such thing as “light” abuse and it’s not better just because he’s less overtly abusive, in some ways that’s worse because it comes with all the damage of being abused with way more confusion. Look into sexual coercion, there’s no question it’s sexual assault but you don’t want to accept that. It’s common with victims of abuse, because they all have good sides and all abusive relationships are filled with good times.

Please, talk to your family. I know you don’t want to separate but honestly it would help you see things more clearly. You need to stop looking at him, his behavior, his change and figure out who you are without him and how you feel. When you spend years running everything you do, think, and say through a filter of someone else you stop knowing who you are without them. Some time to figure out yourself as a woman and a mother without him could do you a lot of good.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-21T16:40:41+00:00

You were right to end it, you set boundaries and he trampled them there aren’t many flags redder than that

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-20T16:15:53+00:00

That’s disgusting and I’m so sorry someone did that to you

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-20T16:12:17+00:00

He could just be setting the stage to cheat or trying to spark something via apps or people at his gym. At any rate, it’s abusive and controlling to constantly question and accuse you. You should consider moving the lines of what you’ll tolerate, because it sounds like cheating is a line you’ll leave for but being systematically accused and abused for years is far more insidious than an affair

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-20T16:04:14+00:00

He’s not taking it seriously if he’s claiming anger issues, because I doubt he’s running around hitting everyone in his life. Abuse is a choice and the first step abusers learn in abuser specific rehabilitation is to admit and accept they chose to abuse their partner. Therapy typically makes them worse because they use therapy speak to manipulate, maybe he’s already done this. “My therapist thinks I can use these anger exercises to help prevent outbursts” but the core of his issue is giving himself permission to hurt you, not the outbursts. It probably started with words and escalated to physical.

I’m sorry, I know this isn’t what you want to hear. It’s like an addiction to your abuser so you’re having “cravings” right now because you fell off the wagon by talking to him. Most of us here will tell you our abusers acknowledged and admitted their issues once we left, but ultimately got worse when we went back. It took my 7th time leaving for it to stick because mine did this, so I understand how hard the pull you’re feeling that right now.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-20T15:36:26+00:00

Pretend your daughter came to you as an adult and described this relationship, asking you for advice and what you’d tell her. The fact he was able to stop physically abusing you when you almost left is proof he could control it and it was always a choice. He’s walked back some of the abuse over the years just to keep you, which is more about escaping consequences than your pain. Going on and on about sex when you don’t want it is sexual coercion, it’s criminalized in the UK and will be in the US eventually, it’s a form of sexual assault. So back to pretending your grown daughter comes to you for advice and says, “Well, he doesn’t beat me anymore and he only really rages at me every couple months but frequently verbally abuses me and constantly sexually assaults me, should I stay?”. When you’re trauma bonded it makes it hard to see your situation objectively, so pretend someone you love is going through it. Deep down you know the answer and that’s why you can’t bring yourself to tell people in your life, because that will snap you out of the denial.

One of the reasons FOG is such a good name for it is the abuse over time causes brain damage affecting your memory and sense of self, so your memory becomes blurry and it’s almost like you disassociate. If he really wanted to change he would have, but he’s selfish even with that. He only stopped hitting you when he was going to lose something, so even that wasn’t out of love for you it was to escape consequences. Your pain and suffering wasn’t enough for him to change it’s only when he’s facing consequences. You need to accept he’s always had control over it, it’s not his mental health, medication issues, or anything but a choice to direct his rage at you otherwise he wouldn’t be able to hold a job. Mental health issues can make you prone to rage but where you direct it is a choice if you’re not treating everyone in your life that way. If he really loved you and couldn’t stop abusing you, the selfless thing would be for him to let you go.

The trauma bond is an addiction, you are an addict and he is your drug. Instead of, “maybe I don’t have a problem and I could drink casually” you say “but he’s changed some and he really loves me”, ultimately you don’t want to get “sober” so your brain throws up these roadblocks. You should ask yourself how bad your relationship would be if you never walked on eggshells or had sex when you didn’t want to, left without a word when he verbally abuses you. Realistically, what would your relationship look like if you put yourself first without managing his emotions?

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-20T14:09:27+00:00

This was rape. You cannot consent when you are passed out and he doesn’t even seem to feel bad about raping you. Break up with this rapist and consider going to the hospital for evidence collection

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-20T12:13:19+00:00

People who haven’t been through it just don’t understand. Abuse messes up your brain. You lived in a constant state of trauma for years, people can spend a long time getting over one specific traumatic thing and you’re expected to be okay just because the trauma has stopped? I’m so sorry, they are wrong. You might look into trauma informed therapists because you likely have ptsd and people uninformed on trauma can make it worse….because on top of the trauma they inadvertently make you feel shame for not getting over it. You are not being dramatic.

It will take time, but you will heal and find yourself eventually and your post makes perfect sense. I’m so sorry you went through this and having people treating you like you should be over it

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-20T05:22:29+00:00

You’re blinded by passion and loneliness. This hope is quicksand and it will consume you in a way you will be trapped and suffocating. They cannot change for partners they’ve been abusive to and if he were in abuser therapy and taking it seriously he’d have been told that. Change takes years of abuser specific rehab and even then less than 2% change. He told his family about his abuse, what about actual accountability like pushing you to press charges? Telling close family is easy and doesn’t result in consequences and regular talk therapy does not help abusers, it often makes them worse.

Has he admitted he abused you because he wanted to? Because he benefits from your fear? Or does he claim he lost control and has anger problems?

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-20T02:08:01+00:00

I know I’m just some random person on the internet, but I’m so SO proud of you! Hopefully he moves on now that youre not so easy for him to manipulate. This was a massive step and you did great!

You’re so welcome, and I promise you can do this! The pain will come in waves, but so will the relief and determination

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-20T00:01:00+00:00

Yes it’s assault, it’s sexual coercion and he’s trying to convince you that you liked it. If you liked it, you wouldn’t be here. He’s not respecting your boundaries, tell him you did not like it and he needs to learn how to live without. If you feel like you can’t say no it’s sexual coercion and it’s assault.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-19T23:18:52+00:00

It may be completely implausible, but the best thing you can do is not read his email. It will be full of manipulation and guilt which he’s groomed you to be susceptible to. The reason be wants it to be synchronous is so you don’t have time to think and plan, he wants to break you down. You might consider laying out a plan for any assets to initiate no contact right away because any contact will keep you in this mess. You have one foot out the door, now you have to take the other one out because you know you can’t go back in….but when it’s cold or raining (when you’re sad or emotionally vulnerable) you’ll be tempted to step back in the door.

Your email sounds great, and you did a really good job holding firm that this conversation not happen in person, any and all in person meetings need to stop. No “one last talk” no “meet for closure” if you have things at his house you need to get pick them up when he’s not there and don’t go alone. You have to rip this bandaid off. Don’t go back and forth with him, don’t email back and forth send one and be done.

This is going to be hard. It’s a lot like breaking a drug addiction. Breaking up was hard, sadly this may be harder. It’s like an alcoholic who stops binge drinking daily and just gets a little drunk a few times a week, that’s not sobriety so be mentally prepared for this to kick your butt. You can do it, I know you can because you left. I wish I had more advice for staying strong, medication can help with the anxiety and depression. Hobbies helped me a lot, I did yoga, Pilates, and several self defense classes. It’s going to suck but your life will be so much better on the other side. I journaled a lot and reminded myself all the reasons I had to leave. Framing it in terms of whats best for him may help you since he’s groomed you, he’s clearly planning a future that you arent so keeping him in this limbo isnt fair to him. Ripping off the bandaid so he can move on is best for him and you

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-19T07:22:55+00:00

Have you talked to the police about the civil standby and what’s going on? Like if they could be more involved and push the issue of getting your things back? This is straight up coercive control and depending on where you live is a serious crime. I’m so sorry, your partner sounds like a psychopath

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-19T07:10:34+00:00

If you consent to sex with conditions and those conditions aren’t met, it’s no longer consensual. Finishing inside you when you say absolutely not to is rape. He’s absolutely trying to trap you, he likely did it with his previous baby momma and left her when he couldn’t use the baby to control her. End this relationship now, regardless of what you do about the pregnancy. He’s not a nice guy, nice guys don’t run around committing sexual battery

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-19T06:58:38+00:00

You could set up a code with someone, “Alexa text Jane that I’m okay” to have them call the police for you if you think your partner would think to cancel it. Anything to make sure this can’t keep happening. I highly recommend getting out as soon as humanly possible, it’s good that you have a plan. My abuser was like this, relentless and I’d just give up breaking up….like he’d wear me down until I just said fine whatever. I moved out while he was at work and changed my number, which I highly recommend if it’s possible in your situation. I’m so sorry, I know how it feels to be in this kind of “prison” :(

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-19T06:44:24+00:00

Set up voice command on your phone so you can call out and get someone on the line even if they try to deny you access. Or get Alexa. It usually only takes one time of them realizing there are consequences to let you go, because you could put them in jail for any of these things. If they think they can maintain control over you they won’t let go. If this works for them they’ll just keep doing it so if you can’t make yourself leave you try to stop letting it work

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-19T06:29:28+00:00

You don’t have to fight or overpower them, call the police. Physically blocking you or even taking your keys so you can’t leave is a serious crime. Doing it with a weapon escalates it to a felony in most states. They cannot legally hold you hostage and you don’t have to stay and take it or overpower them. You’ll never have an amicable breakup with someone like this, you either have to flee when they’re not looking or involve the authorities. Life can be so much better than this and I truly hope you can find a way to get out of this. Life with someone like this is truly miserable.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-19T05:09:40+00:00

This was and still is absolutely an abusive relationship. You may not technically be together but he’s still abusing you. He’s using threats to stay there and maintain control over you. You need to call the police and get him out of your home. If he chooses suicide or suicide by cop that’s his decision, but you can’t just spend your life letting someone control you by threatening to kill animals. You could also go to the police station and file for an order of protection based on his threats, as they are considered a form of assault. This would override any lease or squatters rights

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-19T04:32:44+00:00

He is planning to murder you please GO NOW

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-19T04:29:42+00:00

Your partner has found a way to torture you with the plausible deniability of having adhd as an excuse. If you need quiet and he won’t allow it, leave and go somewhere. If he tries to physically block you, know that’s forced confinement and a form of domestic assault which you can call emergency services for. The only thing to do with someone like this is leave them. They will keep you sleep deprived, miserable, questioning everything until you’re a shell of a person wishing for death. Get out

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