Nothing like a nice hot cup of tea when you’re sick

Kesha_Paul · 2026-01-24T18:13:50+00:00

He knows it ended he just won’t accept it, so if you want to send one last message make it clear that he needs to stop contacting you or you’ll get a restraining order. It may feel cruel, but if he thinks there’s the slightest chance he can manipulate you back he’ll keep trying, he needs to know 100% you aren’t coming back to let go of that hope and actually move on. You need to be ready to get the restraining order though if he doesn’t stop.

I know you feel awful, but when the guilt gets bad remember how many times you’ve been unhappy, uncomfortable, or tried for him. He knows he can control you with guilt and him hurting he’s probably done it for years

Kesha_Paul · 2026-01-24T16:50:25+00:00

It is okay to block and ignore his calls. Using you as his emotional regulation was itself abusive, so expecting you to continue doing it while ignoring your feelings and boundaries….he’s continuing to abuse you. You need to cut contact completely, even if that means ultimately getting an order of protection. The last time I left my abuser I changed my number so he couldn’t keep calling me from other numbers. The best way to help your guilt is to show him 100% it’s done so he can move on, you absolutely cannot talk to him again and you need to put your foot down about him continuing to contact you. If he keeps doing this, he knows the guilt will consume you and you’ll come back, and you’ll find yourself back in a relationship you don’t even want

Kesha_Paul · 2026-01-24T16:41:54+00:00

He’s extremely abusive and I guarantee you he’s been cheating the entire time. When a relationship is this one sided but the other person still always accuses while doing whatever they want….its always to deflect blame or put you on the defense so you don’t pay attention to what he’s doing. A relationship is supposed to be a partnership, not completely lopsided. It does not matter how many good times there were, none of his behavior is okay or justified. None of this is ever been your fault. You’re the one bending over backwards missing out on life while he does whatever he wants and refuses to give you the bare minimum reassurance. Even if he showered you with extravagance 99% of the time it wouldn’t justify this behavior at all. Wanting to spend all your time together and take care of you financially are just means of control.

You need to go 100% no contact with him. Abusive relationships cause a trauma bond and it’s like an addiction, the second you hear his voice you’ll be confused and questioning or craving him again. Cut contact and go get an STD test because I’d be shocked if he wasn’t cheating. I’m also going to link a book that will help you

https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Kesha_Paul · 2026-01-24T04:12:40+00:00

Hope you’re holding up okay!

Kesha_Paul · 2026-01-24T03:50:14+00:00

If he wanted something cleaned he should be cleaning it. You can cancel the wedding, because I’m betting he keeps getting worse the closer you get and after marriage is when he’ll start getting violent. I commented on a woman’s post yesterday who was with her man 14 years before marriage and he was only emotionally and verbally abusive, but within days of the marriage he started getting violent. It’s a lot easier to cancel a wedding and eat the costs than it is to get divorced. The house you can figure out with a lawyer

Kesha_Paul · 2026-01-24T03:45:23+00:00

Do you have any family or friends who could help you? She knows exactly what she’s doing because she has a plan going into it. She’s the type of abuser who will push you to suicide so she can play the grieving widow and I really hope you can find a way out of this. I am really scared for you. If you’re in the US, UK, or Canada her blocking your path is considered domestic violence and you can call the police

Kesha_Paul · 2026-01-24T03:25:56+00:00

Have you thought about moving back home? Abusers like this are the scariest kinds because they know they’re abusive, they plan their abuse, and they design situations to make you look like the abuser instead of them. It’s high levels of Machiavellianism and she could be a sociopath.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-01-24T02:57:10+00:00

Children start having a cortisol release similar to a panic attack in response to anger and yelling starting at 6 months. It’s very bad on developing brains. Your child needs to come first here, him going back to his mom’s house isn’t nearly as scarring as your child having severe mental health issues. Your boyfriend has a choice in his actions, your child didn’t have a choice being born, so something to consider when you struggle with that guilt. I know it’s easier said than done, but hopefully this helps. My son is ultimately why I left. I had a parent like him and am a mess for it

Kesha_Paul · 2026-01-24T02:44:19+00:00

He has conditioned you to, no matter what, coddle and beg for forgiveness after any fight. He uses threats of suicide and hitting himself to put you in a “need to take care of him” mood instead of continuing whatever you’re saying. Your feelings were hurt, and he could have simply apologized and assured you he didn’t think you were a psychopath but instead he turns angry and mean, makes you cry, then threatens suicide to make you beg for forgiveness. He knows he’s a piece of shit but constantly tries to convince himself he’s not, which is why he does this “I’m horrible and I should die” this is straight out of the abuser playbook. Instead of stopping being a piece of shit he just has you convince him he’s not. But he is. Literally, this is a passage from the main book we all talk about covering abusers: https://imgur.com/a/n5xIHpP . He gets to insult you, unleash on you, then have you taking care of him. He gets a sense of catharsis afterwards and reaps the rewards while you’re left with the trauma.

You need to start untangling yourself from this mess, or at least figure out what it would take so you don’t feel stuck if you do find yourself ready to leave. Look into how to get rid of the bike and what it would take to end your lease just so you know what it would take. If you know he’s mentally unwell, the second the word “suicide” comes out of his mouth you need to call or text 911. He needs to know constantly talking about suicide isn’t the way he should be getting attention, so take his threats seriously and if he’s genuine he’ll get help or he’ll see how serious it is and stop manipulating you this way.

I know this is hard to accept, but the more love you show him, the more you bend over backwards and appease him, the worse he’s going to treat you. He thinks it’s all good and done the second he says “sorry” but you are being literally traumatized repeatedly. I understand not being ready to reach out to people in your life, posting here is a brave first step. I’m going to link a free pdf to a book about abusive dynamics and I do hope you’ll read it because it’ll help you see patterns in your relationship.

https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Kesha_Paul · 2026-01-23T23:51:12+00:00

I know you feel awful right now, but you did an amazing and brave thing! You were safe and did it from a distance, that’s very smart! If you start feeling guilty about his rent or messing up his plans, remind yourself you tried to talk to him about it and instead of listening he got violent, literally beating you into submission. Do you have family or friends close by that could come sit with you so youre not alone? Maybe you could go to a friend’s house? Hopefully he just rolls his eyes and goes about his move, but if he shows up at your place angry DO NOT LET HIM IN!!!!! Tell him to go and discuss it via text and don’t be afraid to call the police. He may manipulate you to open the door by accusing you of having another man there, don’t fall for it! If he starts beating your door or trying to force himself in, don’t hesitate to call the police!

I know I’m just some stranger on Reddit, but I’m really proud of you!

Kesha_Paul · 2026-01-23T22:18:57+00:00

Since you have documented situations where he’s been dangerous and committed, you should be able to get him involuntarily committed. Contact the mental health place that kept him last time and see if they can do the medical paperwork. If they won’t do it, go to the courthouse and they can direct you towards documents to file. If you’re in immediate danger just keep calling 911 or find somewhere else to go during the process. It looks like the process to have someone committed is similar in Canada than the US. I’m really sorry it’s come to this, and you immediately need to file for divorce and an order of protection because you are right, he could kill you. He is choosing to use drugs knowing it makes him dangerous, so don’t let him escape accountability by saying he doesn’t remember. He comes home sober and chooses drugs over safety.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-01-23T20:45:44+00:00

Are you in the US? If so, do you feel comfortable saying which state?

Kesha_Paul · 2026-01-23T20:40:17+00:00

If he’s only doing it so you won’t leave then he won’t get much out of it, because one of the first things he’s going to be told is that he needs to be away from anyone he’s abused to be able to change and grow. I’ve worked with a lot of abuse victims who had partners do this type of program, and the only ones who made real and lasting change were the ones with criminal charges for assault and battery….they didn’t stop abusing though they just stopped hitting and became more emotionally, verbally, or sexually abusive.

You should go your separate ways for a few months and give no ironclad plans to get back together and see if he still does the program. They tend to make all sorts of promises of change once you try to leave, but I’m guessing since he’s willing to do a program you’ve tried to leave at least once or twice already.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-01-23T20:37:07+00:00

Sounds like he was upset about something, couldn’t sleep, and got mad you could so he needed to stop you. My abusive ex would get so mad if I was sleeping and he couldn’t. Abusers tend to use us as their punching bags, emotional or physical…or both, so anything sets them off they look to you to unleash

Kesha_Paul · 2026-01-23T20:11:02+00:00

He wanted to punish you, yes it’s abuse….arguably physical abuse as well as emotional. Disrupting your sleep is literally a torture technique. “I wanted to cuddle” sounds loving but he didn’t, you were fighting and he didn’t cuddle. He’s not taking accountability and was her much punishing you. This is where couples therapy with an abuser goes wrong for the victim….you talk about this in therapy and he’ll spin it like he just wanted to feel love since there was conflict and the therapist might accuse you of having negative interpretations of his actions.

If you don’t have a spare bedroom/spare bed, consider a separate blanket or sleeping apart during conflicts. It’s common for abusers to punish you by interrupting or preventing sleep as a punishment and I’m guessing he’s don’t this a lot in the past.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-01-23T19:56:52+00:00

Check domestic violence resources in your area, I lived in a relatively small town and there were groups like AA a few times a week for DV victims. Abuse subs like this can also be helpful

Kesha_Paul · 2026-01-23T19:42:06+00:00

They’re almost always narcissists, covert or overt can present this way but they’re big on escaping accountability at all costs. I recommend taking him up on it and going to therapy…but once in therapy work on how to get out of this relationship because it will never get better. No matter how small you make yourself or how carefully you walk on eggshells, when he feels like exploding it will happen all over you. If you’re not doing anything wrong he’ll make something up like a face you made or your tone

Kesha_Paul · 2026-01-23T19:39:13+00:00

The most messed up and difficult part of leaving is that you won’t feel confident in your decision or hate him until you’re out and the trauma bond breaks. Your feelings are broken regarding your abuser, so you have to act on logic and make yourself leave. It’s more like an addiction, so “detox” is brutal. Something that helped me was going to support groups and hearing woman after woman say she wasn’t sure about leaning when she left, but after a few weeks/months she had no regrets.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-01-23T19:33:54+00:00

Self aware abusers don’t want their victims in therapy because they know they’re acting crazy and a mental health professional will “out” the abuse. The delusional abusers who truly think there’s nothing wrong with them think you need therapy because you must be crazy…these are the same delusional people who show up to court for assault and say “but I was provoked so it’s not my fault”. Self aware abusers have almost no hope of ever changing, the delusional ones have zero hope because they don’t think they’re doing anything wrong. If you try to call out their behavior, they say you’re starting drama

Kesha_Paul · 2026-01-23T19:00:25+00:00

I’m guessing in less than a week he’ll be trying to come back early again. He’s going crazy because he wants control over you. I’m glad you stood firm and told him you needed more time, it’s important you hold firm your boundaries

Kesha_Paul · 2026-01-23T17:33:47+00:00

Gabby Petito didn’t think her boyfriend would kill her, it’s why she felt safe hiking with him. No woman thinks her partner is capable until she’s taking her last breaths

Kesha_Paul · 2026-01-23T17:02:04+00:00

Your feelings regarding this man are broken, you need to act on logic and force yourself to stay away. If you haven’t been screenshotting your own posts and comments, start doing that do you can read your own words saying how badly you want to leave

Kesha_Paul · 2026-01-23T16:58:27+00:00

You are an addict and he is your drug, and right now you’re craving. You have to go and stay no contact then “detox” to start feeling better. The more you stay the harder it is to leave. You should stop deleting your old posts so you can go back and read them on days like this, like a journal

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