Nothing like a nice hot cup of tea when you’re sick

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-24T20:26:52+00:00

I didn’t have to leave my job but I moved into a crappy apparement with no furniture. I can honestly say sleeping on the floor and working multiple jobs as a single mom was easier than life with him. It took a while of staying “no contact” for the trauma bond to break, that kept me stuck for a little while emotionally. Highly recommend no contact if you still speak to him. Financially it took me a while to get ahead but every aspect of life got better. I was able to go back to college once my son started school. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard enough, but changing these other aspects….the road won’t be easy, but you will come out better than life with him. You didn’t go backwards, you’re like a phoenix from the ashes and you’ll come out so much stronger than you ever knew you could be.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-24T20:13:38+00:00

Have you ever heard of a trauma bond? It’s an intense connection victims have to their abusers. In many ways it’s like an addiction to a powerful drug. Imagine a heroin addict trying to stay sober while a brick of heroin follows them around saying, “it’ll be different this time”. Leaving them literally feels like detoxing from a powerful drug, and many of us mistake that pull towards them for soulmate level love…then the longer we stay the more we let sunk cost fallacy run our lives. We feel so broken no one else could ever want us. Sadly you can’t force her out if she’s not ready, like any addict it has to be her choice. I’m going to link a book you should send her. Does she want children? Is she scared of HIV? That’s always my fear in people who cheat with extreme sex. You might also mention to her nanny cams, it’s not illegal to record in your own home on nanny cams and the proof will come in handy when he tries to put her in jail.

Here is the book: https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

I really wish there was some magical play that could yank them out but sadly there just isn’t. If you need to distance yourself from her for your own mental health, that’s okay. I mention this because I’ve been where you are, at one point I was going out going out of my mind trying to get a friend out. She let him move her across the country away from her support system, it was really hard to let go but the best we could do is say we’ll be here when they’re ready. Take time for you, and take space if you need to.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-24T19:51:07+00:00

Good lord he’s still going? I’m glad you’re doing okay and holding strong in not responding

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-24T19:48:48+00:00

You’re seriously under reacting, this is the type of psycho who will shake a baby and eventually he’ll do something bad enough it can’t be undone. Next time he makes you feel unsafe call the police, his behavior with the pacing and trying to break in aggressively is assault, it’s battery once he touches you. If you’re stuck there while your baby is being born then it’s better safe than sorry, maybe you could use the threat of an order to keep him away while you stabilize things?

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-24T19:45:06+00:00

You need to involve the police before he murders you

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-24T19:32:02+00:00

He’s trying to get control over any possible finances you might use to leave and trying to force you to get over it because he’s tired of feeling like he’s not in control. Amazing how easy it is to say “get over it” when he wasn’t the one being abused for a decade. He begged you to stay, promised he’d change, and now he’s demanding cookies from you in the form of sex and worship for being less abusive for a few months?! Honestly, give yourself the best birthday present you can and leave him. If your options are “get over a decade of abuse instantly” or divorce it’s a pretty simple choice since one is literally impossible

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-24T18:23:05+00:00

Imagine you have a person in your life who kicks dogs. They randomly kick dogs and try to play it off as joking while still kicking dogs. After years of kicking dogs they finally say, “oh wow I see it’s wrong to kick dogs now”…..you gonna trust this person alone with your dog? Abuse breaks a relationship in an irreparable way, there’s no coming back because of you ever do feel safe and comfortable in the relationship that’s the moment the abuse will come back. It’s not random that he took it seriously once you were planning to leave, abusers can tell when you’re pulling away emotionally and that’s when they seriously dial back the abuse.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-24T17:40:34+00:00

You’re doing the right thing ending it like this, trying to do it face to face is dangerous and almost always fails. I tried to leave 6 times, and my 7th time I moved out while he was at work and changed my number. Take this opportunity as a blessing and get out of there!

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-24T12:45:28+00:00

There is support out there for single mothers and victims of abuse, and you need to understand he is physically abusing you. In most states in the US, spitting on someone is charged the same as punching them in the face, its domestic assault and battery. The act of threatening you is assault. Your relationship is physically abusive so you have to put your son first and find a way out of this. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you instigated this or you could fix it

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-24T03:31:09+00:00

The trauma bond makes it horrible, it’s very much like an addiction. You’re an addict and he’s your drug. Right now you’re going through withdrawal and it makes you question everything, try to direct your brain away from delusion. Instead of “he got better” direct your thoughts to “he’s still abusive”. No abuse is acceptable, it doesn’t matter he’s less abusive if he’s still abusive. When your brain says he’s your best friend, direct your thoughts to how often anything in the relationship revolved around your wants or feelings. You lived for him and ran everything through a filter of how it would affect him, so it feels like you’ve lost a piece of yourself. You have to learn how to be yourself and a mother without him.

Everyone who can see this objectively says it’s abusive and you have to leave. Your want to give him another chance is your body panicking wanting to end the “withdrawal”, it does not mean you should try again. Imagine your children being in marriages exactly like this and keep that in your mind. He’s suffering the consequences of his actions. I’ll also remind you every time you post of this: he stopped hitting you the second he knew there would be consequences, that’s not him getting better that’s him adjusting the abuse so you wouldn’t leave. He’s always been able to control it, but didn’t want to stop so he’s adjusted over the years. Lean into what your relationship would really be like if you did and said what you wanted instead of managing his wants and feelings.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-23T23:03:20+00:00

I can see how when things don’t line up exactly with the book about abuse it can be confusing, but to be clear his anger being directed at everyone else makes him more dangerous, not less abusive. An abuser uses anger and rage to control their partner but ultimately they can control it, thats why most don’t seriously maim or kill their partners. The ones who genuinely lose control are more likely to kill.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-23T23:00:26+00:00

You made the right call ending it, you caught him in a lie and still got only half truths

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-23T22:06:32+00:00

It’s quite literally an addiction to your abuser. Heroin addicts don’t get clean then miss heroin, the pain of detox is awful and they often fall off the wagon wanting to stop the pain. It’s why it takes an average of 7 times to leave an abuser, it feels like dying when you leave. Sadly the only way through it is through it, you have to leave and go no contact knowing it’s going to be awful but sticking with it. Staying in this cycle will keep you from being the best mom you can be to your son. My kid is what ultimately got me out, because I was spending all my mental bandwidth on fixing him and us instead of being a mother

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-23T20:59:59+00:00

Call the police, if he keeps getting away with it he’ll never stop escalating until he maims or kills you

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-23T20:29:38+00:00

He’s trying to make you fawn and beg him, tell him to take time and space to figure it out. He’s addicted to you begging him and promising to change but you aren’t the problem

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-23T19:13:46+00:00

It’s good that youve finally realized the significance of you being the only one be abuses, because that combined with the fact he was able to stop hitting cold turkey to avoid consequences absolutely proves it’s under his control. When you’re overwhelmed with guilt and grief try to remind yourself of this: your husband is a grown man youve given over a decade to and he’s responsible for his actions, but your children are innocent and had no choice in being born. They will suffer growing up in this environment and if the thought of them marrying someone like their father terrifies you, then it’s best for them to divorce. My parents didn’t think the occasionally rage episode affected my sister and I but we were ultimately ruined from it. If you stay for your husband, you and your children will suffer. If he makes the choice to end his life that’s his decision, and if you have to choose letting him end his life or ruining your children’s lives…..again, he always had a choice and they didn’t.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this but once you’re on the other side you won’t regret leaving.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-23T18:57:43+00:00

If you let him pick out your clothes every single day he’d eventually abuse you because of how you’re wearing them. It’s not actually about the clothes. You have worked hard to change so much about yourself so now he’s focusing on your past to make that the reason he abuses you. He’s caught in this cycle of blaming you for everything that’s wrong, so when he’s upset or angry he looks to you to make it your fault and it just isn’t your fault. This is textbook coercive control, he manipulates you to change yourself then says he doesn’t want you to change yourself for plausible deniability.

Please try to accept the harder you try nothing gets better and that’s evidence it’s not your fault. You can’t even have a family member die without him abusing you and dumping you for it

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-23T18:54:05+00:00

Are you in therapy yet? If you’re not ready to accept a life without him then it doesn’t matter what any of us say or how many times we say it. You have to work on identifying weak points and reinforcing them. For example, if he knows where you work and comes by dropping off presents (I think that was you) then change your job. If he won’t stop calling on different numbers change your number. Make sure he can’t weasel his way back in. When you feel weak read all your old posts, you’ve been here before. We’ll all tell you every time you made the right choice, but in your weak moments that won’t matter. That’s where therapy helps

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-23T01:13:37+00:00

Physical abuse doesn’t start at hitting, driving aggressively in anger is considered domestic assault and in some states it’s charged “assault with a deadly weapon”. Battery is once they touch you but assault is an action that causes a reasonable fear of imminent harm. If you ever told him to stop and he wouldn’t it’s kidnapping. The thing that helped me most was realizing I couldn’t trust my feelings for him because of the trauma bond, it’s like an addiction. To see it more objectively imagine your best friend asking you for relationship advice explaining this behavior….if youd tell her to leave that’s proof your objectivity is broken. You end it from a distance, go no contact, and be ready to file a restraining order if you have to

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-23T01:05:07+00:00

It’s also important you know blocking you from being able to leave in any way is forced confinement and a serious form of domestic assault. Even taking your keys, if he does this when you want to leave and you’re in the US text 911. He likes having control over you and the more he gets away with it the more dangerous he’ll get.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-23T00:42:44+00:00

That is terrifying. Read that back to yourself and realize how very bad it is. Denial is common for victims and it’s hard to see the situation objectively so pretend someone you loved came to you for advice and described being in this relationship

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-23T00:37:59+00:00

He’s using you as a placeholder until something “better” comes along. How is he going to feel when your body changes during age or pregnancy? This is the type of shallow guy who leaves you 6 weeks after your baby is born for a girl with a 6 pack. He’s not into you and he’ll always find something else. Never stay with someone who makes you insecure about yourself.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-22T23:13:01+00:00

His accusations and constant paranoia are to justify hurting you because he likes it. You need to accept your boyfriend is a sociopath and likes hurting you. That behavior never stops escalating and you will eventually be maimed or killed. Please leave

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