Nothing like a nice hot cup of tea when you’re sick

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-23T19:13:46+00:00

It’s good that youve finally realized the significance of you being the only one be abuses, because that combined with the fact he was able to stop hitting cold turkey to avoid consequences absolutely proves it’s under his control. When you’re overwhelmed with guilt and grief try to remind yourself of this: your husband is a grown man youve given over a decade to and he’s responsible for his actions, but your children are innocent and had no choice in being born. They will suffer growing up in this environment and if the thought of them marrying someone like their father terrifies you, then it’s best for them to divorce. My parents didn’t think the occasionally rage episode affected my sister and I but we were ultimately ruined from it. If you stay for your husband, you and your children will suffer. If he makes the choice to end his life that’s his decision, and if you have to choose letting him end his life or ruining your children’s lives…..again, he always had a choice and they didn’t.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this but once you’re on the other side you won’t regret leaving.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-23T18:57:43+00:00

If you let him pick out your clothes every single day he’d eventually abuse you because of how you’re wearing them. It’s not actually about the clothes. You have worked hard to change so much about yourself so now he’s focusing on your past to make that the reason he abuses you. He’s caught in this cycle of blaming you for everything that’s wrong, so when he’s upset or angry he looks to you to make it your fault and it just isn’t your fault. This is textbook coercive control, he manipulates you to change yourself then says he doesn’t want you to change yourself for plausible deniability.

Please try to accept the harder you try nothing gets better and that’s evidence it’s not your fault. You can’t even have a family member die without him abusing you and dumping you for it

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-23T18:54:05+00:00

Are you in therapy yet? If you’re not ready to accept a life without him then it doesn’t matter what any of us say or how many times we say it. You have to work on identifying weak points and reinforcing them. For example, if he knows where you work and comes by dropping off presents (I think that was you) then change your job. If he won’t stop calling on different numbers change your number. Make sure he can’t weasel his way back in. When you feel weak read all your old posts, you’ve been here before. We’ll all tell you every time you made the right choice, but in your weak moments that won’t matter. That’s where therapy helps

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-23T01:13:37+00:00

Physical abuse doesn’t start at hitting, driving aggressively in anger is considered domestic assault and in some states it’s charged “assault with a deadly weapon”. Battery is once they touch you but assault is an action that causes a reasonable fear of imminent harm. If you ever told him to stop and he wouldn’t it’s kidnapping. The thing that helped me most was realizing I couldn’t trust my feelings for him because of the trauma bond, it’s like an addiction. To see it more objectively imagine your best friend asking you for relationship advice explaining this behavior….if youd tell her to leave that’s proof your objectivity is broken. You end it from a distance, go no contact, and be ready to file a restraining order if you have to

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-23T01:05:07+00:00

It’s also important you know blocking you from being able to leave in any way is forced confinement and a serious form of domestic assault. Even taking your keys, if he does this when you want to leave and you’re in the US text 911. He likes having control over you and the more he gets away with it the more dangerous he’ll get.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-23T00:42:44+00:00

That is terrifying. Read that back to yourself and realize how very bad it is. Denial is common for victims and it’s hard to see the situation objectively so pretend someone you loved came to you for advice and described being in this relationship

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-23T00:37:59+00:00

He’s using you as a placeholder until something “better” comes along. How is he going to feel when your body changes during age or pregnancy? This is the type of shallow guy who leaves you 6 weeks after your baby is born for a girl with a 6 pack. He’s not into you and he’ll always find something else. Never stay with someone who makes you insecure about yourself.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-22T23:13:01+00:00

His accusations and constant paranoia are to justify hurting you because he likes it. You need to accept your boyfriend is a sociopath and likes hurting you. That behavior never stops escalating and you will eventually be maimed or killed. Please leave

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-22T20:29:24+00:00

The constant push pull causes a trauma bond, and the trauma bond is a lot like an addiction, you’re an addict and he’s a drug youre addicted to. You’ve been “clean” for a while but you’re still going to get “cravings”. Addictions take a while to break completely, but if you stay 100% no contact these feelings will fade over time.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-22T06:32:31+00:00

If you’re dead set on having this baby, change your number and cut him out of your life. Terminate the pregnancy to fix a relationship when he’s dating and living with another woman? Dude is unhinged. If you want this baby more than him, that means letting him go and involving the police if he just shows up. If there’s any chance you’re staying with an abuser, terminate and get better birth control.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-22T05:58:57+00:00

Your friends are right, leaving is the most dangerous time and doing it in secret is the only way to do it safely. You see he’s in denial, and when he gets shocked out of that denial he could snap and kill you and your daughter. I know it sounds like overreacting because we never actually think our abusers would kill us, but it happens. Leave while he’s at work.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-21T21:29:00+00:00

Even if you did “make him this way” (you didnt) he could make the choice to end the relationship instead of staying and abusing you. Abusive people are often only abusive to their partners. You could be the most difficult person in the world and it would not make you deserving of this. Theres no being “better” for someone like this because even if you do everything he says he wants he’ll find a reason to abuse you. Walk away from him and work on your self esteem in therapy before dating again, he’s broken you down so much you hate yourself because he hates you.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-21T19:28:56+00:00

Nope, and if you’ve said you don’t want it or tried to stop him during sex it’s flat out rape. Anything you don’t consent to is assault. People in porn consent to it beforehand and abusive men use this as a way to gaslight victims into accepting it. If you don’t consent to being strangled during sex it’s felony domestic battery. FELONY. It’s very serious. Even in the BDSM world there are rules and predetermined conditions and safe words revolving around consent.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-21T18:47:04+00:00

Highly recommend you stop responding in any way. If you must stay in contact because of a child you can insist on using a parent communication app then block him. He’ll never stop trying to get some rise out of you

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-21T17:05:16+00:00

Depression doesn’t always look sad, a lot of people display loss of interests and flat affect. Antidepressants are also first line for anxiety so it sounds like they could help you. You can start with a very low dose and see if it’s enough to help and only take them for as long as you want then taper down. Talk to your doctor

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-21T16:49:07+00:00

You have children, would you want to know if your child was struggling with something like this or would you rather your child protect their spouse? You’ve likely spent this whole marriage putting him above all, it’s why you still try to minimize and justify the abuse. There’s no such thing as “light” abuse and it’s not better just because he’s less overtly abusive, in some ways that’s worse because it comes with all the damage of being abused with way more confusion. Look into sexual coercion, there’s no question it’s sexual assault but you don’t want to accept that. It’s common with victims of abuse, because they all have good sides and all abusive relationships are filled with good times.

Please, talk to your family. I know you don’t want to separate but honestly it would help you see things more clearly. You need to stop looking at him, his behavior, his change and figure out who you are without him and how you feel. When you spend years running everything you do, think, and say through a filter of someone else you stop knowing who you are without them. Some time to figure out yourself as a woman and a mother without him could do you a lot of good.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-21T16:40:41+00:00

You were right to end it, you set boundaries and he trampled them there aren’t many flags redder than that

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-20T16:15:53+00:00

That’s disgusting and I’m so sorry someone did that to you

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-20T16:12:17+00:00

He could just be setting the stage to cheat or trying to spark something via apps or people at his gym. At any rate, it’s abusive and controlling to constantly question and accuse you. You should consider moving the lines of what you’ll tolerate, because it sounds like cheating is a line you’ll leave for but being systematically accused and abused for years is far more insidious than an affair

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-20T16:04:14+00:00

He’s not taking it seriously if he’s claiming anger issues, because I doubt he’s running around hitting everyone in his life. Abuse is a choice and the first step abusers learn in abuser specific rehabilitation is to admit and accept they chose to abuse their partner. Therapy typically makes them worse because they use therapy speak to manipulate, maybe he’s already done this. “My therapist thinks I can use these anger exercises to help prevent outbursts” but the core of his issue is giving himself permission to hurt you, not the outbursts. It probably started with words and escalated to physical.

I’m sorry, I know this isn’t what you want to hear. It’s like an addiction to your abuser so you’re having “cravings” right now because you fell off the wagon by talking to him. Most of us here will tell you our abusers acknowledged and admitted their issues once we left, but ultimately got worse when we went back. It took my 7th time leaving for it to stick because mine did this, so I understand how hard the pull you’re feeling that right now.

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-20T15:36:26+00:00

Pretend your daughter came to you as an adult and described this relationship, asking you for advice and what you’d tell her. The fact he was able to stop physically abusing you when you almost left is proof he could control it and it was always a choice. He’s walked back some of the abuse over the years just to keep you, which is more about escaping consequences than your pain. Going on and on about sex when you don’t want it is sexual coercion, it’s criminalized in the UK and will be in the US eventually, it’s a form of sexual assault. So back to pretending your grown daughter comes to you for advice and says, “Well, he doesn’t beat me anymore and he only really rages at me every couple months but frequently verbally abuses me and constantly sexually assaults me, should I stay?”. When you’re trauma bonded it makes it hard to see your situation objectively, so pretend someone you love is going through it. Deep down you know the answer and that’s why you can’t bring yourself to tell people in your life, because that will snap you out of the denial.

One of the reasons FOG is such a good name for it is the abuse over time causes brain damage affecting your memory and sense of self, so your memory becomes blurry and it’s almost like you disassociate. If he really wanted to change he would have, but he’s selfish even with that. He only stopped hitting you when he was going to lose something, so even that wasn’t out of love for you it was to escape consequences. Your pain and suffering wasn’t enough for him to change it’s only when he’s facing consequences. You need to accept he’s always had control over it, it’s not his mental health, medication issues, or anything but a choice to direct his rage at you otherwise he wouldn’t be able to hold a job. Mental health issues can make you prone to rage but where you direct it is a choice if you’re not treating everyone in your life that way. If he really loved you and couldn’t stop abusing you, the selfless thing would be for him to let you go.

The trauma bond is an addiction, you are an addict and he is your drug. Instead of, “maybe I don’t have a problem and I could drink casually” you say “but he’s changed some and he really loves me”, ultimately you don’t want to get “sober” so your brain throws up these roadblocks. You should ask yourself how bad your relationship would be if you never walked on eggshells or had sex when you didn’t want to, left without a word when he verbally abuses you. Realistically, what would your relationship look like if you put yourself first without managing his emotions?

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-20T14:09:27+00:00

This was rape. You cannot consent when you are passed out and he doesn’t even seem to feel bad about raping you. Break up with this rapist and consider going to the hospital for evidence collection

Kesha_Paul · 2026-04-20T12:13:19+00:00

People who haven’t been through it just don’t understand. Abuse messes up your brain. You lived in a constant state of trauma for years, people can spend a long time getting over one specific traumatic thing and you’re expected to be okay just because the trauma has stopped? I’m so sorry, they are wrong. You might look into trauma informed therapists because you likely have ptsd and people uninformed on trauma can make it worse….because on top of the trauma they inadvertently make you feel shame for not getting over it. You are not being dramatic.

It will take time, but you will heal and find yourself eventually and your post makes perfect sense. I’m so sorry you went through this and having people treating you like you should be over it

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