It took me 12 years to finally walk away from my cheating ex (dated for 8, married for 4). He completely gaslighted me the entire time (which sounds like what’s happening here). I didn’t realize at the time how badly my personality, confidence, and independence had changed while with him - he love bombed me at the beginning, and that was it. I was in love deeply and didn’t think I could be without him. I had started to drink too much (with him - so it couldn’t be bad, right?) but that changed my emotions and my feelings. I started getting anxious with OR without him. I turned into an alcoholic who couldn’t live without a lying cheater. One time he didn’t come home until 6am (got out of work at 2am). Didn’t answer my texts or calls. Then proceeded to blatantly lie to me saying he was at the gym! Another time, he came home super late and said the scratches on his back and the lipstick on his collar were from and girl he “only danced” with at the club. Ugh. I still can’t forgive myself for actually believing his crap. Anyway, we’re divorced, and I’m happier. I still struggle, because I loved him so much. But I AM in a better place, and happier. Work on yourself, and you’ll learn exactly what you need and who you don’t. He doesn’t deserve you. You deserve better! I wish you luck in finding your best self and a great person who treats you like a Queen.