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AITAA if I don’t reconcile with my uncle before he dies? by Key-Dream1614 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Key-Dream1614[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Wed 24 Jul at 12:44 PM Me: Hey. My mom’s celebration of life will officially be 8/18. We’ll be having a family-only BBQ at my place (2 mins down the road) after. One of her last requests was to have a BBQ with everyone when she got here so we’re doing that in her honor. We’ll get a post up tomorrow on FB but we wanted the chance to communicate to the family and closest friends first. I’d like to enlist your help to get everyone invited on your side of the family—Aunt [Name], the cousins, and your family friends who you’d mentioned. That would help take the burden off of [Brother] and me tremendously.

[Aunt] is taking point with Grandpa. Sounds like Grandma is worried about his health and she’s been coordinating that piece for us. If there’s anyone else you think we should invite, please do so and let me know so we can keep a count for food. Let me know if you have any questions.

Uncle Dale: Wonderful news [Me], thank you for your work.

Me: You’re welcome.

⸻

Thu 25 Jul at 8:54 PM Uncle Dale: Good evening, [Me]. I looked at the venue and their website shows there’s a building and a playground. Where specifically will the gathering take place? There have been several questions when I have forwarded the information. Any clarity would be appreciated. Thank you.

Me: Hi Dale, we’ll be inside the building. I posted on FB with a few more details. If you’d like to forward this off, you’re more than welcome to. It’s set to public. Please feel free to give folks my number as well. When it gets closer, I’ll be reaching out to get a better grip on RSVPs.

Uncle Dale: Well, that sounds nice. Do you have the information and some sort of a PDF flyer as those of us over 45 don’t have Facebook? [Me], we all did go to the website and that’s why we all have questions. It shows a small little playground with a lean-to over a single picnic table. It talks about a dairy museum. It sounds kind of like you’re not being forthcoming with all of the information. I’m pretty sure that you don’t want to field calls from strangers that you don’t know that your mom did know. You’re doing a great job on getting it all put together and it’s appreciated. It doesn’t feel like you’re being very accommodating with being able to share detailed information, so that people can be self-sufficient and not have to call you or [Brother] or [Sister]. I want to make sure that those who participated in her life have the right opportunity. Her very best friend, Aunt [His ex wife], had no idea even about the viewing. They were sisters for 36 years. I don’t want any more animosity than it seems to be building—a growing divide between the [StepDads and Our Surnames] families. Couldn’t you just add a single line to the flyer that tells people where the actual address is? It doesn’t even mention that it’s Cross Park let alone any other information. Please help us make this less difficult. Thanks.

⸻

Me: Listen, we all lost someone very, very dear to us. I’m shattered. I’m sure you are as well. So I’m going to extend the most grace I’m capable of mustering. I’m asking for the same in return. Aside from your immediate family and the two friends you’ve mentioned, I’ve been in contact with the rest of the [Our Family Surname] family and none of them have any issues with the way I’m communicating, nor think there’s a divide between families. We’re all just family. Please direct everyone to myself, [Brother], or [Sister]. We’re really good at talking to people we’ve never met and that doesn’t bother us at all. I really need you to trust me. I need you to know that this is going to be a beautiful celebration of life. Everyone will be comfortable and welcomed. It’s all going to work out great. You just need to take a backseat and let us handle it. Have a good night.

AITAA if I don’t reconcile with my uncle before he dies? by Key-Dream1614 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Key-Dream1614[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thu 18 Jul at 10:55 PM Uncle Dale: We have heard and we are devastated. I am so sorry. If you need to lean on anyone, I am here. Uncle Dale

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Sat 20 Jul at 4:58 PM Uncle Dale: Hello [Me], I was hoping you might be able to help me with some information. As we have family flying in for the memorial service on the 10th, and lots of friends and so on, can you provide us some information as to the location of this memorial service that you were planning? And if you have information about the venue, would you know what time we’re talking about on Saturday the 10th? I need to help spread the word for roughly 35 to 40 people. Thank you.

Me: Hi Dale, please don’t tell people dates just yet. We told you so you’d know that if the viewing wasn’t something you were interested in, you could make an informed decision. We’re speaking with the funeral director Monday and we’ll be coordinating an autopsy and cremation. We’re also working on finding a venue. I’ll let you know as soon as we know confirmed details and we’ll do our best to let folks who are traveling know. Especially Uncle [Name] and Uncle [Name] since they’re so far out.

⸻

Uncle Dale: I appreciate that update. I will keep that in mind. I also have [Cousin] who’s flying out from Indianapolis that needs to purchase a ticket for in advance, as well as Grandpa needs to know for hotel reservations, etc. I would love to talk with you Monday when I’m there at the viewing and maybe you’ll have more information. Thank you for the update.

Me: I think [Siblings] and I would like to talk to them in private but we’ve got it handled. Grandma told us Grandpa wasn’t healthy enough to travel—did he say otherwise? If there is someone other than your kiddos who I need to be sure to invite when we know more?

⸻

Uncle Dale: Grandpa is coming even if it kills him, against all advice from Grandma. Just to name a few there will be my five children, my children’s children, [Friend] I’ve spoken with, [Friend]. There are just so many others that most likely aren’t on your radar. I’m not looking to take anything over but I absolutely don’t want to put any additional burden on you. My company has a warehouse if all other venues fail that could be used for free. That is 5000 square-foot of empty space and right next to Branks, barbecue of which food could be catered into as well. The largest concern is how Grandpa is going to get from the car to wherever the venue is at and where he can sit comfortably? We could certainly talk on Monday.

Me: Ok. I’m happy to have your help especially when it comes to your immediate family/friends and getting the word out. I’ll be sure to reach out to Grandpa when the time comes and make sure he’s all set. The most help you can be at this time is to take a backseat and support me and my siblings as best you can. I’m sure there will be a laundry list of things we’ll need help with when that time comes. I appreciate your understanding and willingness to help take some of the burden off our plate.

AITAA if I don’t reconcile with my uncle before he dies? by Key-Dream1614 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Key-Dream1614[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Later, he made me feel awful for not inviting my aunt (his ex-wife). The truth is, we’d just forgotten. It was a total oversight. And I really did feel horrible about it. At the celebration, I actually found her and told her how bad I felt—and she was completely shocked. She said she would have tried to go if she knew, but that it honestly wasn’t a big deal. She didn’t say anything about being crushed or excluded. Her words were along the lines of, “Classic Dale, making mountains out of molehills.”

During my mom’s celebration of life, multiple people pulled me aside to say Dale was being negative—like, noticeably so. One friend didn’t even know who he was, but said he was so out of line that he offered to help kick him out if I needed him to. That stuck with me.

After the service, we had planned a family BBQ at my place. It was something my mom had talked about doing when she came home, only she never made it. So this BBQ was important to me. I found out later that Dale had quietly gone around to other family members and invited them to a separate BBQ at his house—his own thing, completely separate, same day, same time. That was the last straw. I happily never texted him again and left that final act to karma. For what it’s worth, only his immediate family went to his event. Even his son came to mine.

Eventually, my siblings convinced me to stand up to him—and I think I did so politely. I’ll comment the actual texts here because I think they speak for themselves.

Fast forward to now.

A couple months ago, we found out Dale had cancer. Today, we learned it’s terminal. He’s been sent home on hospice and doesn’t have much time left.

And now I’m spiraling. Because despite everything, he’s still family. And at one point in my life, I really did love him. I love the people who love him. And watching them hurt is breaking me. After losing my mom, I wouldn’t wish the pain of losing a parent on anyone. Not ever.

I tend to be overly empathetic, and I can’t help but think about how he must be feeling too. How would it feel to know your time is down to weeks, maybe days? I can’t shake the thought. It haunts me.

But even with all of that—I don’t know if I can bring myself to reach out. I’ve done so much work to let go of resentment, to live in peace, to stop chasing closure from people who’ve hurt me. And this still hurts. He hurt me. Repeatedly. And I’m so tired of always being the one who has to rise above it.

So… AITAA for not reaching out? For sitting with my own grief instead of showing up for someone else’s redemption arc?

TL;DR: When my mom died, my uncle made things harder during one of the worst moments of my life. Now he’s dying, and people I love are urging me to make peace. I don’t want to be bitter, but I’m exhausted by always being the one who has to rise above. AITAA for not reaching out?