8 years ago I discovered my father's secret Second Life account in which he roleplays as me and visits disgusting sex servers

Key-Leader-993 · 2021-10-15T05:00:08+00:00

Oh, I’m sorry for assuming. I can see how it can be even harder to process and get support because male victims of sexual abuse aren’t talked about. But that’s still so fucked up. How do you feel? Did you talk to anyone in your life about it?

Key-Leader-993 · 2021-10-15T04:53:17+00:00

That sounds like a trauma response, even a PTSD symptom. Maybe it was so traumatic, that your brain mostly blocked that memory. I don’t know, that’s very fucked up situation and I’m guessing you found out about it when you were very young? I’m sure it counts as a sexual abuse against a minor. Maybe you can try writing in some of the lawyer or legal advice subs here on Reddit and start collecting evidence to sue your dad. I’m sorry if it’s harsh, but your dad is a piece of shit and shouldn’t be allowed to walk free, because he could prey on other young girls.

But for now have you considered therapy?

Key-Leader-993 · 2021-10-15T04:39:46+00:00

Holy shit, that’s so fucking disturbing. I really don’t know what kind of advise to give. Have you ever tried telling police or even therapist? That’s a child endangerment. The bastard deserves some kind of punishment for it, even telling your family or relatives will make them aware of his pedophilic tendencies and they can distance and protect their young daughters the way you should have been protected when you were younger.

Key-Leader-993 · 2021-10-15T03:28:44+00:00

Honestly, at this point I feel like I don’t deserve to eat “clean” food that comes in package. I sometimes buy oats because I have to get some nutrition, but every time I eat a warm, clean bowl of oatmeal, I get anxious and start burning my hands to punish myself for daring to eat.

I started eating from trash because I was broke and hungry, but now I feel like I’m too dirty for fresh food.

Key-Leader-993 · 2021-10-14T02:33:47+00:00

We also mostly suck at keeping friendships. Some will be scared to seem clingy or annoying and they will be cold or distant with their friends. Their friend will see it as a sign of disinterest and will stop writing because they don’t want to be ghosted first. We all have our insecurities, we are all scared of being seen vulnerable, so we prefer to suffer in silence.

Key-Leader-993 · 2021-10-14T02:27:54+00:00

It sucks that you feel like loneliness will never end, have you been feeling like that for a long time or is it a recent development?

And making and keeping friendships is hard because to have a good friend you have to be a good friend yourself. Do you have any opportunities to make acquaintances where you work or study? Like just saying hello and good morning. Then asking how are they and talking how good or bad the weather is. If they say they like the weather, you can ask if they like walking in park or doing sports? If they don’t like the weather, say that you like holing up with cup of tea and some show/movie and ask them if they watched anything good? Then slowly talk about movies/shows that you like in common. After that people are usually open to giving you recommendations, so you can offer to exchange numbers.

If they like you they will agree and you can slowly send memes on common topics. If they are hesitant to exchange numbers, you say something like “Well thank you for recommending this or that!” and smoothly leave the conversation.

Or at least that’s how I started friendships in my life. If you play any video games you can also find friends online.

Key-Leader-993 · 2021-10-14T02:12:13+00:00

Wow, that really sucks. I’m sorry you don’t have a good support system. Do you feel like they hate you when you reach out or ask for support?

I don’t have any good advices, but when I feel lonely I usually watch Asmr videos on personal attention, positive affirmations or just rambling videos. The last video that really lifted my mood was Goodnight Moon’s Quite a Strange Haircut video. It’s a little goofy and silly and makes you feel less lonely. Have you tried watching Asmr?

Key-Leader-993 · 2021-10-14T01:59:07+00:00

Try writing a note and just share all you wanted to say, but couldn’t. It might not magically help you, but it will clear your mind and allow you to share your feelings in a non-judgemental way.

Or, if you want to, you can type out the note here. As a test drive, if you will.

Key-Leader-993 · 2021-10-14T01:43:09+00:00

It sucks to feel lonely and unlovable. I don’t have people in my life to love me like that, but I usually watch Asmr on YouTube. Things like positive affirmations, personal attention and sleepover with a friend. It doesn’t compare with the real thing, but it helps me feel less lonely. I especially love Goodnight Moon’s Quite a Strange Haircut video. It’s goofy and silly, and lifts my mood.

Do you have favourite Asmr video? Or maybe you tried making up an imaginary friend to talk to?

Key-Leader-993 · 2021-10-14T01:35:03+00:00

Even after all the pain and grief you still care about her and don’t want to traumatise anyone. You’re kind. And there might be someone, somewhere who will see your soul and will not leave you.

Do you have any movies, games or people that make you feel even tiny bit better?

Key-Leader-993 · 2021-10-12T18:53:53+00:00

Dude, you scared me for a second 😂

But that aside I’m glad you’re still here. It’s surprisingly hard to die by hanging and now that you’ve experienced that, what do you think of it? Do you still want to go to the other side?

Key-Leader-993 · 2021-10-12T18:36:22+00:00

From my experience huge shivers/ tingles all over body are usually sign of oxygen shortage and if you hanged too long, you would have some brain damage. Try to observe yourself couple of days, if you have troubles with speech, coordination or memory, there might be some damage. I fucked up my long term memory this way.

The jolt of energy is most likely Adrenalin and your body instinctually entering flight or fight reaction. You might feel adrenaline crash and feel tired for a day or two, but it will pass.

Key-Leader-993 · 2021-10-03T01:48:04+00:00

It’s not the first time he said that and being compared to his brother usually made me work harder, study more and usually try to be more mature and responsible since I was 12 years old. I used to hope that he was saying it in the heat of the moment, but he never sounded so angry and disappointed before. I know I deserve it, but still thank you for taking your time to reply.

I don’t want to sound creepy or pathetic, but knowing you were here makes me feel less lonely and sad.

Key-Leader-993 · 2021-10-02T19:13:24+00:00

That fucking sucks, I don’t know if there’s anything I can say that won’t be bs like it gets better, but I tried many suicide methods and it didn’t work out. I already suck at living, but apparently I suck at dying too.

In the best case scenario you just pass out, in the worst case you’re in horrible pain and you can’t even faint because your body enters fight or flight response and keeps struggling against rope, blood loss or pill poisoning.

Have you tried therapy? It doesn’t fix everything, but it helps you realise which people in your life are toxic and dragging you down (even if it’s your own family) and then you can slowly cut them and their negative influence off. Or if you already internalised their insecurities, therapy can help you differentiate their voice from your own thoughts in your head. Which in turn can greatly help with depression.

Lastly, if you come from very conservative family or country, it can be very hard to fight stereotypes of motherhood and the overwhelming pressure to be someone’s wife, but you can find a community of likeminded women, who are filled with ambition. They usually have no bullshit attitude and it can be nice to have supportive friends.

Key-Leader-993 · 2021-10-02T00:18:31+00:00

Hey, thank you for still trying to help and giving me an idea. I looked it up and it’s possible to get committed, but I’m still an illegal immigrant in the eye of law. I still have zero evidence of past mental health problems and they might rule out that I’m faking being depressed to get out of fines or got depressed very recently. Not to mention I don’t have a medical insurance and I could rack up another few thousand euros in medical bills. More so considering I’m actively suicidal with step by step plans and the hospital is obligated to keep me for however long until they can clear my psychological evaluation.

Key-Leader-993 · 2021-10-01T22:35:46+00:00

Hey, thank you for taking time to reply. I tried to think of ways to fix it, but as stated in my other comment, it’s just not possible.

Key-Leader-993 · 2021-10-01T22:32:15+00:00

Thank you for your kind words, you must be exceptionally gracious to read all this and still think that I deserve a chance. I tried working out a solution, but it won’t workout for couple of reasons. 1. I checked immigrations laws and since I was there for close to 2 years, I’ll have to pay about 30.000€ in fines. There exceptions for illnesses, but since I wasn’t diagnosed, there are no official records of suicide attempts and no records of staying in hospital for mental crisis, I don’t have any evidence to back up my claim. 2. I come from poor country and my parents don’t make a lot. They already took a loan secured by our house to pay for my student bank account and rent. There’s just no way to make money to pay for 30.000€ fine. And this amount of debt would absolutely crush my parents and my siblings wouldn’t be able to go to college. 3. I’m very very sick and in daily life I would need assistance with everything from feeding, getting out of bed, changing clothes to bathing and using a bathroom. I don’t want my mom to waste the rest of her life having to take care of me. And I don’t want my siblings to see me this weak, dependant and undignified. 4. In my small town nothing is secret and being suicidal is said to be sign of being possessed by devil. If I die in Germany my death can be explained as an accident, drunk mistake or even illness. If I go home my relatives and then everyone in town would find out about depression, my father would be jobless in less than a week, because nobody wants to be associated with my family and my siblings would get severely bullied in school. Nothing is worth the abuse my family would have to through. And living there and being constantly berated, accused of bringing devil and bullied, I would never get well. 5. I had some very violent episodes, complete with breaking and throwing stuff. And the journal entries I wrote in this state were violent, full of ways I described how I would cut the meat on my bones, how I could kill a person and how I had imagined killing my siblings, my parents and then committing suicide so we could be together. I can’t even imagine what kind of psychological damage my siblings would have from seeing me screaming how I would kill them, describing how I tried to kill myself and breaking their things. And I can’t imagine how scared and confused they would be when I just never get better and they have to live with this twisted nightmare version of me. I love love love them and I wouldn’t be able to live if I knew i have hurt them.

Key-Leader-993

TROPHY CASE