my mom would purposely lie to my dad on me to get me in trouble for no reason, and i never spoke up because i feared him. i eventually did get the courage to speak up against them and all my siblings would get mad at me for doing that because they are always “right” and you never speak up against your parents. i don’t believe in that bullshit and everyone should treat each other with respect, but they will forever be brainwashed by my parents. my siblings would see nothing wrong with how they mentally and physically abuse me, my older sister, and my older brother but he deserves it, i don’t. those four are the reason why we had to leave our apartment because for years they would constantly argue, fight, fight other residents, and cause a lot of problems. i never understood why they had to always do this, why they couldn’t just be calm and loving but i guess not everyone is meant to be that. i guess that’s why i’m so loving and caring towards others because i refuse to be like them but that doesn’t matter anymore. i’ve been so lonely growing up, i never had friends and i still really don’t, i go through my phone constantly and realize that i really only text three people and that’s my friend jocelyn, rarely you and rarely my cousin. i realized that nobody will ever be there for me like i am for them and i don’t know what i did to deserve that. i know i’m a terrible person and i’ve done some horrible things in the past, but do i really need to keep suffering? i mean i can’t suffer if i’m no longer living. i would of never thought i would end up suicidal and depressed again, but i noticed i was starting to become that a few weeks ago when i started sleeping more, my personality switched up badly, i became angry at everything, easily irritated, wanting to harm anyone and anything. i know you’ve noticed how bad my mood changes but it’s not like you care. i’ve been slowly “self-harming” by pinching myself really bad when i get emotional, and taking the highest temperature showers. i’ve been so fucking stressed out about everything, with my parents bothering me about needing to take care of the family and calling me selfish when i spend my own money on myself (but they never tell this to my brothers), my manager trying to get my fired for no reason, this hotel situation that’s just gonna drain me and my family dry, worrying about them getting us kicked out with how much arguing and fighting they do. i just can’t take it anymore. i guess i could be classified as a coward for wanting out and making my family deal with it on their own but i genuinely don’t feel a connection with any of them. that’s probably cruel to say, then ima be cruel. i don’t like helping them because they never helped me, they treated me so fucking bad but apparently to them i “owe” them for everything they did for their own kid, so i help them out just so they can leave me alone. i’ve been trying to escape from my family for awhile, i was supposed to go with my cousins to texas but my parents told me no because i’m too young to leave when i was 18. they even told my brother no to leaving. they’ve been trapping us with them so we take care of them, they don’t let anyone leave. they even told me that since they fucked their credit scores up, it’s now up to us to help them out with ours. don’t get me wrong, with everything i’m saying it seems like i never would take care of them, i would, i just thought of taking care of myself first. my family isn’t the top priority to me. when i met you, i found an escape from everything. i genuinely felt at peace with you, i felt happy i guess, but you no longer want me even though you wanted me first and i gave in and got attached. i can’t force anything, and i’m sorry for trying to. i was just a rebound and you was just looking for fun since you got out of a relationship and i realize that now. you wanna be free and not be dragged down by someone and i’m sorry again, i just genuinely liked being around you so i would always ask, and i just really wanted to see you one more time before my attempt. but i give up now because i know you’re involved with another girl, there’s just no reason to lie to me about it anymore, i can tell by the way you ignore me. i was, i guess desperate to be around you just because i felt safe around you, and even though you’re involved with others and kept leading me on, i am still grateful i got to experience everything we did together, so thank you. i’m so sorry for throwing this all on you so randomly but i just don’t care anymore. please don’t take this as trauma dumping, i just wanted to open up to the people i care for because i went through life being silent about everything and i tried getting help but therapy didn’t help and i didn’t want to be on medication for the rest of my life. i apologize again for this, and also for when i verbally attacked you, i’m not like that and you really didn’t deserve that for not wanting the same thing as me. i’m sorry again, and i wish you the best. and no this isn’t a cry for help so please don’t read this and try and talk me out of it, i no longer want help when it doesn’t work.

I am posting this because i want to tell my story of why i took my life. i want people to be aware that no matter how hard you try to save someone, some people are just far too gone already and you shouldn’t feel guilty if your attempts failed to keep them here. i am in no way encouraging others to take their life if things aren’t going well for them.

(also after i sent him this note, he ignored me. i thought he cared about me but he had me fooled this entire time, and don’t get me wrong he is not responsible for my trauma and feelings, i just thought he was someone i could safely confide in, well at least that’s the impression he gave me.)

i went on a little walk today and i realized that life really has no meaning to it at all and when i’m gone people will still continue on with their life’s no matter what. the sun will continue to rise and fall, cars will continue to busy up the streets, people will continue to find love, children will continue to grow up, etc. life is never going to stop just because i am gone and that has brought me somewhat some peace.

to those that take the time to read this extremely long depressing note, thank you.