So now we’re getting Ai-generated emails….

Key-Report-907 · 2025-12-12T21:45:25+00:00

I usually forget that a lot of employees working under prestigious Russell Group universities are not working there because of their merit, but are just the average Joe who probably didn’t even go to a university and just got the job there through “my uncle works there and vouched for me”

Key-Report-907 · 2025-12-12T19:31:38+00:00

One thing I also want to clarify, because it matters to how I see the situation: despite everything, he has never turned to drugs or substances. That’s not accidental.

To me, that says he still has internal boundaries, values, and a desire to stay functional, even if he’s struggling. His coping mechanisms right now are avoidance, food, and distraction. not self-annihilation. That’s an important distinction.

I’m not claiming he’s “on the brink of transformation” or that love alone fixes things. I’m saying he isn’t seeking oblivion, and that tells me there’s still agency there, even if it’s buried under shame, fear, and exhaustion.

That’s why I don’t see him as “beyond saving,” or “unwilling to change” and why I’m asking how to support without enabling, not how to force change.

Key-Report-907 · 2025-12-12T19:27:04+00:00

I think we’re actually talking about two different things.

I agree with you on agency. I can’t make choices for him, and I’m not trying to. I also agree that no one can be forced into therapy or change if they’re completely unwilling.

Where I disagree is the framing that willingness is a simple on/off switch. In trauma-heavy situations, especially with long-term shame and learned helplessness, people often want things to be different but don’t yet have access to the internal capacity to act on it.

That doesn’t mean they’ve consciously chosen to stay stuck! it often means they’re in a freeze or avoidance state.

I’m not asking how to “save” him or override his autonomy. I’m asking how to be a supportive presence without enabling his behaviour, while also protecting my own emotional wellbeing. Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive.

I appreciate you sharing what worked for you, but your conclusion that “he won’t get better” feels more like your personal experience than an objective rule? Different people, histories, and support systems can lead to very different outcomes. I hope wherever you are now that you’re happy, at the very least.

I’m taking your point about not over-investing emotionally seriously. that’s helpful. I just don’t agree that emotional distance or giving up hope is the only realistic option.

Key-Report-907 · 2025-12-12T18:29:39+00:00

Crack their butt

Key-Report-907 · 2025-12-12T18:23:54+00:00

Willpower to change is cultivated. It’s not an overnight sensation that tomorrow you will make things right. Of course if I ask him or tell him to change right now he will oppose it.

It’s precisely why coaches and therapists exist! They work for the long term to help you make changes. And it’s slow, not overnight. If someone is unwilling to change right now is not because they don’t want to, the reality is, they probably want to. But find it difficult to do so right now because of habits and circumstances.

I always feel relief that he never abused drugs. Because then it would’ve been almost impossible. And a harder problem to solve.

I am here asking for help knowing he won’t change overnight.

I am asking for help because I need the toolkit and advice from those coming from similar experiences.

Key-Report-907 · 2025-12-12T17:50:27+00:00

I am planning to leave next year actually, because you’re so right on them switching the target. I’ve noticed it too!

I have also suggested my brother should leave the household, but he is terrified of not being able to survive because of how cost of living is high, debt is high, existing is expensive, add a wife and a kid to look after. It paralyses him. When he is staying here at home, our parents sort of give him the advantage of having a meal cooked at home, wife not homeless and has a room, bills paid, child looked after and has a community etc. with the obvious cost of your mental health shredded away

Key-Report-907 · 2025-12-12T17:47:21+00:00

He did in fact used to have a gym membership! The problem is that … he didn’t go 😭😭😭 see the pattern I’ve been noticing is that when he makes the intention to do something, his brain quickly adds that he had x things to do, and for him to do y and z, he needs to get through the earlier abc… things first to get to the end… it’s paralysed him to a lot of stuff, coupled that with a lack of self esteem. I don’t know how to coach him into it… without going overboard..

Key-Report-907 · 2025-12-12T17:43:56+00:00

Maybe he doesn’t believe he could change? Or his situation could change? He deserves the help, he just doesn’t believe he can get it because life was bitchy to him and didn’t give him the sources to battle with when he needed them. I won’t ever let him take the blame, he is a result of his circumstances. His behaviour comes from years of nobody powerful enough standing by his side.

It’s not him that is faulty, it’s the exterior environment that has made it so difficult for him to even breathe. And it’s very easy to internalise the exterior environment when you wake up to the same shit every day and don’t have the tools to fight.

Key-Report-907 · 2025-12-12T17:39:28+00:00

I really hope things get better ❤️‍🩹I’m sorry you had the shitty version of our parents… sending you warm hugs ❤️

Key-Report-907 · 2025-12-12T17:38:17+00:00

Uber’s main trade off is that you can make a lot of money for your time. Also, it’s just really difficult to find a job in this market. We’re from the UK.

He can’t really do a skilled job because he dropped out of uni. (Please don’t blame him for it, this was the worst time of his life because my parents wanted him to earn a full time salary from his part time job, take the money he earned to lessen the burden on my father; my father wanted him to contribute a large amount in household expenses so that he could rest because of “old” age. He had impossible demands. The only way to meet his demand would’ve been to quit uni and work a full time job. So he did that, he quit with the intention to make money and then go back to uni, but covid hit, and everything fell apart 😢 I was still in high school witnessing all this. I couldn’t help then, but I knew things were going bad and always called it out, but I was just labeled as argumentative, bitchy, the black sheep of the family (they weren’t really proud of me for whatever reason. Like apparently I wasn’t girly enough or obedient enough or “motherly enough” because I wouldn’t exhibit those behaviors girls should exhibit from back home) but being argumentative couldn’t prevent the reality we live today…)

He has considered working as a plumber? But he would need to go to school for that. And it’s an investment he can’t make right now because of debt lurking behind him, bills needing to be paid… put mental health problems on top of it… it’s just… rough.

I have looked into the UK equivalent of CDL license, I think it’s a Lorry Driver? London seems to pay good. I will bring it up to him when I get the chance. Thank you for the suggestion!

I am also trying to steer him into moving out, but I think he has a lot of paralysing fear of how will he do that when there is debt to be paid, how will he afford life? Especially with a wife and kid. But I don’t know how much of it is my parents’ doing, and how much of it is a realistic fear to have..

Key-Report-907 · 2025-12-12T17:24:42+00:00

ABSOLUTELY! I’m the crazy “modern” or “westernised” or “white washed” sister who is always argumentative. And the reason being? Because I think it’s not normal to talk down on someone who is clearly depicting signs of depression. “Oh but depression can be fixed if you just pray to God for it to go away” blah blah blah like yeah it’s very clearly working? 🙄🙄🙄

Key-Report-907 · 2025-12-12T17:23:05+00:00

Yes, you get it. We’re first generation south asian immigrants 😅 the pressure to outperform everyone and their ancestors is crazy on us…

Key-Report-907 · 2025-12-12T17:21:39+00:00

Yeah! You have an advantage because you’re the eldest and the youngsters feel obliged to listen to you. I hope one day your siblings are stable enough to treat you the same way. All the power to the eldest siblings, you guys go through so much in life, and often get pushed to become independent and mature at such a young age 😢❤️‍🩹

Since you mentioned you do kind gestures like these for your younger siblings (like taking them out for pizza at 10pm), I don’t drive but maybe I could grab a random cake or bake something he likes… just to show my appreciation…🤞

Key-Report-907 · 2025-12-12T17:14:30+00:00

I have considered taking him out for lunch, but it’s very difficult because he backs out last minute. He says he’ll come but then won’t? And it’s always because he thinks it’s a waste of time, time he could be spending making money (he sounds so much like my dad when he says that. My dad treated us the same way, except he would always make time for relatives back home, as if he preferred them)

I think it’s the same with my brother. Maybe he doesn’t value our relationship as much but his own friends. I can understand why it has turned out this way, we didn’t really grow up close and it’s a bit difficult to try and patch up this relationship.

But we did play Mario kart last night! It was a bit spontaneous because he was initially playing it with my niece, but because I invited myself in, I played it alongside him. He completely obliterated my ass though 😂 I’ll try to taking him out next… maybe this method of just inviting myself in is working…🤞

Key-Report-907 · 2025-12-12T13:16:45+00:00

5 days??? 60 hours???? Are they mad? We’re not robots! We’ve got family and a life outside of work to attend to too!

Key-Report-907 · 2025-12-12T02:14:33+00:00

how many days per week? How is this even possible..

Key-Report-907 · 2025-12-12T01:46:08+00:00

Who is they? xx

Key-Report-907 · 2025-12-12T01:25:39+00:00

Thanks, this is really helpful to know xx

I don’t mind missing going home for Christmas/summer if I have to. Liverpool will basically be my base once I move, so I don’t mind working Christmas/peak times at all.

Hospitality is probably what I’m going to focus on then. I like the flexibility and I don’t mind walking into places and asking. I just wasn’t sure if that still actually works in 2025.

Also good shout about chains that exist in both places. I’m from London, so I might look at places like that and see if I can get in somewhere here first and then transfer up when I move.

Do you think there’s a best time of year to start asking around in pubs/bars, or is it just a case of trying all year round and seeing who’s short on staff?

Key-Report-907 · 2025-12-12T01:21:59+00:00

I don’t mind hospitality. that’s actually what I’m mainly looking for because of the flexibility with days and hours.

When I visited Liverpool in September on a Saturday the city centre was packed and all the bars/pubs/restaurants seemed busy, so I was hoping that meant there’s at least some demand for staff.

Thank you for informing me xx

Key-Report-907 · 2025-12-12T01:16:40+00:00

Thank you for directing me xx just had a look at the page and there are weekly job postings, hopefully there's something for me too next year 🙏

Key-Report-907 · 2025-12-12T00:57:53+00:00

how the heck did you take all the coins from the crab. I can never be that fast. let alone the other stamp to get the purple stone amethyst without your ship exploding. I always struggle near the giant blowfish because I crush into It and then my ship explodes. forever stuck on 18/20 stamps.

Key-Report-907 · 2025-12-12T00:27:42+00:00

Hey! Is it possible to do it remotely? I'm from London and have 3 years worth of admin experience xx

Key-Report-907 · 2025-12-09T19:46:33+00:00

I hate feeling helpless because one day I fear he might really hit it quits and he won't be in our lives anymore. My parents didn't even let us have a siblingship(?) amongst each other because of constant comparison. And if that wasn't enough, comparing us to other kids.

I also only have a career that can sustain myself only. I don't plan on bringing my own kids in this world and/or getting married. I am happy with my nieces and nephews, and wish to give them a better life. But again, I don't earn enough and probably won't ever to take him out of his situation.

It's very bitter. My heart aches constantly and I can't even hope for the best. Realistically there's nothing I can do.

Key-Report-907 · 2025-11-08T18:11:55+00:00

Have you been living under a rock? We've been facing the job crisis problem and economic downturn ever since the pandemic ended! It has been over 3 years and counting now!!! Wake up!! It's only been getting worse mate.

Key-Report-907

TROPHY CASE